Grave Little Secrets

by Collins, Stacy R.

  Mom emerges from the bathroom looking lost and terribly upset. Her eyes have dark circles around them, her face is abnormally pale, and it looks like she may have even lost some weight. I want to console her and be there for her, but I don’t know how. How do you comfort someone who just lost their only son…when you’re the reason she lost him? A tear slides down her cheek and hits the top of her collared shirt.

  “Mom, do you mind going down to the cafeteria and getting me a bottled water and maybe some crackers?” I have to force the words out past the ever-growing lump in my throat. I’m not the least bit hungry, but it’s the only excuse I can come up with to get her to leave me alone for a while. Images of Zack flashing before my eyes make me gasp.

  Mom rushes over to me, more tears filling her eyes. “Are you okay, sweetie?” she asks, alarm in her voice.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I guess I just moved the wrong way. So, do you think you could run down to the cafeteria for me?” I need to try and make sense of everything that Officer Nielson just told me. My brother is gone, really gone. I hold back the tears that are threatening to spring forward. I can’t break down in front of Mom. I have to keep it together. I pinch the inside of my palm to distract myself from the thoughts of Zack. Okay, Alex, just think happy thoughts. White sandy beaches, lying in the hammock basking in the warm summer sun. I pinch my hand a little harder. None of this is working. She has got to get out of here. I feel it when the first tear forms in the corner of my eye. I fake a yawn and rub my eyes, subtly wiping it away.

  “Sure thing, sweetie. Just lie here and rest. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Mom grabs her purse and heads toward the door, her head hung low. “Oh, Anna called earlier. She and that Luke boy are coming by. I hope that’s okay. They should be here soon,” she tells me, the heartbreak clear in her voice. More tears begin to form in my eyes. God, she has got to leave!

  “Okay, thanks, Mom.” I force a smile as Mom walks out the door, her shoulders shaking lightly with her silent sobs.

  Not even five seconds after Mom leaves the room, I fall into a full emotional breakdown. Tears are flowing down my face at an excessive rate and mixing with the snot running out of my nose. I’m sure I look like a total blubbering mess, but honestly, I don’t care. I’m finally letting it all out. The guilt and remorse I feel for causing all this is just too much. I’m crying for my past mistakes and for the future that will forever be changed because of them. If I had never caused that accident six months earlier, none of this would have happened. We would still be living in Hilldale, Dad wouldn’t be in jail and Zack would still be with us.

  I’m crying for the man whose life I took and the family whose lives were changed drastically. I’m crying for Jeffrey whose life got turned upside down in the blink of an eye. And for Zack, who I loved immensely and still do, and who is now gone from my life forever. The Zack I’ll remember will not be the one who plotted to kill me or beat me to a pulp just yesterday, but the one who used to run around laughing and playing with Anna and me. The one who would spend summer nights in the backyard with us catching fireflies in mason jars, and the one who, when we got a little older, would come to me for advice when he was having a problem with a bully at school.

  “Why, Zack?” I sob into my pillow. Make it be a dream, let me wake up to find that this was all just a horrible dream. This can’t be real. He can’t be gone.

  THAT IS HOW ANNA AND Luke find me: curled up under the blankets, crying and snotty, reminiscing about the little brother I knew and loved for such a short period of time. Luke races over to me and wraps his arms gently around me, careful to avoid all my injuries. I feel an instant warmth run through my body at his touch.

  “It hurts so much,” I cry into his shoulder.

  “What? Are you in pain? Do I need to get a nurse?”

  Yes, I’m in pain. My heart feels as if has been thrown into a wood chipper and shredded into a million tiny pieces. I know that’s not what he means though, so I just shake my head, smearing snot and tears on his shirt.

  “It’s okay, Alex, I’m here,” Luke tells me, his tone soothing and laced with concern.

  “Alex?” I hear my sister say softly from across the room.

  I peer over Luke’s shoulder and see Anna standing against the far wall by the white board. Her eyes are swollen and bloodshot from crying and she’s chewing on her bottom lip, something she always does when she’s stressed, nervous, or trying not to cry. It’s probably all the above right now. I push away from Luke, taking in the sight of my sister. She’s wearing a pair of gray cotton gym shorts with our old high school emblem on the bottom and an old ratty Metallica t-shirt that I’m pretty sure belongs—well, belonged—to Zack. Her hair, which she normally takes the time to style with gel, lies flat against her head. She has no makeup on, and the paleness of her skin is highlighted by the dark circles rimming her eyes. The pain in her eyes mirrors my own. I try reading her expression. Does she hate me? Does she blame me for everything? I stare at her, trying to get an inkling of what she’s feeling, what she’s thinking, but I get nothing.

  Anna runs toward me, her arms outstretched, and I’m not sure if I should get up and run from her or hold out my arms for an embrace. Thankfully it’s the latter.

  “Oh, Alex, I’m so glad you’re okay. Luke and Jeffrey told me everything. I just…I can’t believe it. Did Zack really do all this to you?” she asks as a shudder wracks her body.

  She looks me over, taking in all the visible damage. My bruised face and swollen nose, the cast on my ankle, and my hair, which is still matted with blood and now snot. She lifts my gown just a bit to look at my stomach which is also bruised. She takes in a sharp breath when she sees my injuries, and I feel a hot tear land on my exposed skin.

  “Some of it is from Jake,” I tell her, pulling my gown back down. “And it looks worse than it feels,” I lie to her.

  “I knew it was him. I knew I saw him.”

  “What are you talking about?” I ask.

  “At the bakery. The person I thought I saw, it was Jake. I knew it.”

  “Jake was there? In New Hope?” My heartbeat quickens. Why was he there? And why didn’t he come to me?

  “I wasn’t sure at first, but now I’m positive it was him I saw. I thought my mind was just playing tricks on me.” Anna squeezes her hands into tight fists. “I knew he was trouble. I knew it from the moment you two first started dating.”

  I huff out an exasperated breath. I heard this spiel from her a million times when Jake and I were dating, so I should have known the “I told you so” speech was coming.

  “Can we not talk about that?” I ask, not wanting to get into it right now, or ever for that matter.

  “Yeah. Sure. Sorry,” Anna says, looking down at her trembling hands.

  A few awkward minutes pass. Anna is propped on the edge of my bed, crying silently, and Luke is in a chair that he pulled up beside my bed, looking uncomfortable and out of place. I watch the little zig zag lines on the machine showing my heart rate and tap my finger on the bed along to the beeping. Finally, I decide to just go ahead and address the huge elephant in the room.

  “So, do we tell Mom the truth?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure that would be the best idea,” Anna tells me, plucking a tissue out of the box on the bedside table.

  I look at her in confusion.

  “I know this whole sordid mess started with lies and secrets, but in this case I just feel that the truth would hurt more than it would help. Plus, this time, you won’t be alone. You’ll have me, Luke, and Jeffrey on your side. We’ll get through this, Alex. I promise.” Anna grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.

  I turn toward Luke, giving him a tight smile. Will we be okay? I silently ask myself.

  “Wait, did you say Jeffrey?” I ask, finally catching on to what she said.

  I know he played a huge part in everything and is o
ne of the main reasons I’m not dead in an old stuffy library, but I figured he’d be back home in Rosetta, washing his hands clean of all this.

  “Of course, Jeffrey. What, did you think he’d just up and leave after everything we went through to make sure you were safe?” Luke says.

  “Well, actually, I did,” I say a little guiltily.

  “Well, obviously, you don’t know me very well.”

  I turn toward the familiar voice and see Jeffrey lingering in the corner. The light from the TV casts a shadow on his face, making him appear older than he is. How did I not see him there before? I guess I was too preoccupied with Anna’s reaction.

  “Um, guys, do you mind if I have a minute alone with Jeffrey?” I ask.

  “Sure,” Luke says, rubbing his thumb over my hand. “We’ll just go grab a soda from the vending machine. You want anything?”

  “No, I’m good. Thanks.” I smile up at him and he gives me a wink. What’s with guys winking at me today? But I must admit, I like it when Luke does it.

  Luke and Anna leave and I motion for Jeffrey to take a seat in the chair by my bed.

  I clear my throat nervously, unsure of where to start. I decide to jump right in. No use in beating around the bush. Not after everything we’ve been through. “Look, Jeffrey, I know I’m a horrible person and you have every reason to hate me, so I can’t for the life of me understand why you would put yourself in danger to help the person who caused you so much pain and loss.”

  Jeffrey opens his mouth to answer but I stop him.

  “The reason isn’t important. I owe you my life, Jeffrey. I can’t thank you enough for what you did for me. I will never be able to repay you, but I am forever in your debt. If you ever need anything, just call me and I will come running…once this cast comes off, anyway,” I say jokingly.

  Jeffrey gives me a hesitant smile in return. There’s no way to explain how I feel at this moment, but knowing that Jeffrey forgives me for the horrible mess I created makes the day just a tad bit bearable.

  “I hope that once all this dies down…” I say, wincing at my choice of words, “…that I can get to know the real Jeffrey and we can become friends.”

  “I’d like that,” he says, giving me another friendly smile. “Well, I just wanted to stop by and make sure you were okay, but I have to get back home before my mom starts freaking out.”

  “Thanks again, for everything,” I tell him as he leans on his cane, standing to leave.

  “No problem. Just get some rest and get better.”

  We don’t hug or have any kind of long, drawn-out goodbye, but I know in my heart that I’ve just made a true friend.

  Once Jeffrey leaves and I am left to my thoughts again, I remind myself that it’s all over. This harrowing nightmare that I’ve been living all these months is finally over and I don’t have to be alone with my secrets anymore. Despite the fact that Zack threatened, tortured, and plotted to kill me, my heart will always hold a special place for him. He was my brother and nothing will ever change that. He is gone and I will miss him terribly, but if I’ve learned one thing from this horrible mess, it’s that life is too short to dwell on the things you can’t change. You just have to put on your big girl panties and push forward no matter how much it hurts. You have to leave the past in the past and carve a new path for your future, which is what I have every intention of doing.

  IT’S BEEN A LITTLE OVER a year since my near death, and the actual death of my brother. We’re still not used to Zack’s absence, but it gets easier with each passing day. Some are harder than others, but we have each other to lean on, and, somehow, we always manage to get through it. I never told Mom and Dad the truth about what happened. I didn’t want to taint their memory of Zack. I know what Zack did was wrong, but deep down he was a good person, and that’s how I want him to be remembered.

  I still don’t understand what could have made Zack turn on me the way he did. I think about that every day, but I try not to dwell on it. Instead, I choose to remember the kind and loving brother I knew, not the crazy person who turned on me and tried to kill me.

  “I’m going to miss you girls so much,” Mom tells us, wrapping Anna and me in another tight hug.

  “Mom, we’re just going to college. It’s not like we’re moving to a different country,” Anna jokes.

  “I know, but the house is going to be so empty once you leave.” Mom rubs her hands up her arms, her eyes glistening with tears.

  I know she’s thinking about Zack; we all are, but we don’t say anything.

  Mom wipes a few tears from her eyes and smiles. “Look at me, getting all emotional. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.” She waves her hand dismissively in the air.

  “Hang on, girls,” Dad calls out, racing down the front steps, nearly tripping over his own feet.

  Dad was released about four months ago. No one here knows about the accident back in Hilldale, so it was an easy transition for Dad moving to New Hope, other than having to get used to his only son being gone.

  Dad hands Anna and me each a small bottle of pepper spray.

  “Seriously, Dad?” Anna smirks.

  “Yes, seriously. I want you both to carry these with you at all times. You know how those New Yorkers can be. Just slip it on your key ring or carry it in your purse. If anyone comes at you, just whip it out and give them a spray.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” I tell him, leaning up on my tiptoes to kiss his stubbly cheek.

  Luke and Jeffrey pull up as Anna and I finish saying our goodbyes to our parents.

  “You ready?” Luke asks, walking up and slipping his arm around my shoulder, placing a kiss on the top of my head. He gazes down at me, his warm eyes full of love. Luke was by my side through everything, and I couldn’t have asked for a more loving, supportive boyfriend. He knows all my secrets, all my demons, and despite that, he is always there for me.

  “Yep, I think so. You ready, Anna?” I ask, but she’s too busy locking lips with Jeffrey to answer.

  She gives me a quick thumbs up over Jeffrey’s shoulder. I roll my eyes and go over to help Dad load the rest of our luggage into Luke’s car. I give Mom and Dad one last hug, and slide into the passenger seat. Eventually, Dad is able to force Anna and Jeffrey apart, and they climb into the back. Here we go, headed for New York.

  Luke and I will be the newest additions to the Shepard University family where I will be studying to be a grief counselor. I hope to reach out and help those who can’t seem to handle their grief alone. I don’t want to see anyone else suffer the way my brother did. I don’t want them to think that violence is the only option. I just wish that Zack had asked for help before it was too late.

  Anna will be thirty minutes away at Barnaby College where she received a full ride swimming scholarship, and Jeffrey will be interning at a local publishing house. He’s been working on a novel based on my experience and hopes to get it published one day. I wish him the best of luck, but that’s one book I won’t be reading anytime soon. The memories are still too fresh, still too painful. I know I’ll never really be over it, but all I can do is take it day by day, and maybe one of these days I will wake up and the guilt will be a little less.

  As we pull away, I take one last look back. I say goodbye to Zack, and to all the remorse I’ve carried around for so long. It’s still hard to believe my life took such a drastic turn, but I’ve faced all my demons and am ready to start over. I don’t plan on ever forgetting what happened or erasing the memories, but you can’t build a future if you’re busy holding on to the past. It will be hard, and some days it’s going to take all my strength to get through, but with my sister, my wonderful boyfriend, Luke, and Jeffrey—the greatest friend I could ever ask for—by my side, I know I can do it.

  Allow me to express huge THANK YOUs to:

  My husband, Richard, for standing by me and giving me the courage to keep going. Without him
, I would have lost hope numerous times.

  My amazing children, Ashton, Kyrrah, Chloe, and Jax, for being my inspiration. They push me every day to reach for my dreams. I hope my tenacity and perseverance inspire them to never give up.

  My friends Ruby Stephens and Angie Le, for critiquing and helping make changes when needed. You guys are the best!

  My publisher, 48fourteen, for taking a risk on a newbie!

  Stacy was born and raised in the small town of Clinton, South Carolina, where everyone knows everybody, and you learn to always allow fifteen extra minutes for the thirty trains that come through town every day.

  Stacy has always had a love for reading and writing. As a young child she would write stories and poems to share with her friends. As an adult, she would write short stories for, and with her children. It wasn’t until this year that she fully embraced her creative side and wrote her first novel.

  Stacy is a wife, mother of four, and works full-time as a medical assistant. Despite her busy schedule, she always makes time to write, whether it’s in between patients at work, or snuggled up on the couch with her babies.

  For more from Stacy R. Collins,

  visit her at:

  http://www.stacyrcollins.com/

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