Pet Humor!

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  1. If it itches, you can scratch it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

  2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

  3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your hair.

  4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

  5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think it's cute.

  6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

  7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

  8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

  9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

  10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

  "Meow means woof in cat."

  -George Carlin

  "Women and cats do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

  -Robert A.Heinlein

  "You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."

  -Nora Ephron

  Jim decided he wanted to get an exotic pet. So he walked into a nearby pet store to buy a parrot. The store owner pointed to three very similar looking birds on a perch and explained: "The parrot on the left costs $500."

  "Wow! That's a lot of money," Jim said. "Why is it so expensive?"

  The store owner replied: "Well, this particular breed is extremely intelligent. This bird actually knows how to use a computer!"

  Jim was amazed and asked about the next parrot. The owner told him that one cost $1000, because it could not only use a computer but it even knew how to program software.

  Increasingly startled, Jim asked about the third parrot. The store owner told him that one cost $2000.

  "Unbelievable!" Jim exclaimed. "What can it do?"

  The owner replied: "To be honest, I have never actually seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss."

  During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer: "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."

  "I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

  How do you catch an elephant?

  First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a load of peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!

  THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT CATS

  Cats have the simplest of taste: the best will suffice.

  Dogs are like kids. Cats are like roommates.

  Cats are living proof that eating and sleeping all day isn't all bad.

  Cats teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

  Traits we despise in people, we prize as virtues in cats.

  Cats know all the sunny places.

  A fish tank is just interactive television for cats.

  A cat's favorite game is: "Ha! Made you look!"

  A cat's worst enemy is a closed door.

  Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

  Cats aren't as dignified as people say they are. Ever watched a cat clean its privates?

  Cats are good for dusting high places.

  Cats have fur coats because they look silly in raincoats.

  You don't own your cat. The cat owns you. And the cat owns the house. You just pay the mortgage.

  Cats have their own lives; get on with yours.

  Men don't like cats, because cats are cooler than they are.

  Cats aren't so brave anymore once they're in a microwave.

  TOP TEN REASONS WHY DOGS ARE BETTER PETS THAN CATS

  1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

  2. Cats look silly on a leash.

  3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

  4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

  5. A dog knows when you're sad. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

  6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

  7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

  8. Dogs will come when you call them. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

  9. Dogs play fetch with you. Cats play with small rodents, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

  10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

  Pitbulls used to be called Nanny Dogs in Victorian England, because they were known as very lovable dogs who were good with children.

  A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver. "Where have you been?"

  "I've been at the bar," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles.

  "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

  "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

  A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. He had a different audience each week, so he allowed himself to perform the same act over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

  Once he understood, he started heckling in the middle of every show: "Look, that's not the same hat!"

  "Now he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

  "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

  The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about it. After all, it was the captain's parrot.

  One day the unthinkable happened: The ship had an accident and sank! The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.

  They stared at each other with hatred in their eyes, but did not utter a single word. This went on for days.

  After a week, the parrot finally broke the silence and said: "Ok, I give up. Where'd you hide the boat?"

  An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, petting the cat on her lap, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appeared in front of her.

  "You have won the fairy godmother lottery! Congratulations! You have three wishes!" the fairy godmother said.

  "Oh my!" the old lady exclaimed. "I guess I would like to be really rich."

  POOF! The fairy godmother snapped her fingers, and the old lady's little house was suddenly a huge mansion.

  "And I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

  POOF! Suddenly the old lady was a breathtakingly beautiful young woman. Then the lady looked at the cat on her lap, who had been her best friend and companion for many years, and said: "Can you change him into a handsome prince?"

  POOF! Suddenly an unbelievably handsome young man stood in front of her.

  She stared at him, lovestruck. With a smile that made her heart melt, he leaned over to her, and whispered in her ear: "I bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

  Q: What is a rabbit's favorite kind of music?

  A: Hip-hop.

  Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

/>   A: From stamping out forest fires.

  Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

  A: From stamping out flaming ducks.

  Q: Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

  A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

  Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

  A: A monkey eating cherries.

  An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

  "Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

  MORE ABOUT DOGS

  "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."

  -Unknown

  "Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring, it was peace."

  -Milan Kundera

  "Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends."

  -Alexander Pope

  "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

  -Unknown

  "When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later."

  -Erma Bombeck

  "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork and half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"

  -Anne Tyler

  "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."

  -Edward Abbey

  "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."

  -August Strindberg

  A guy was helping a farmer get a load of hay out from the barn when he noticed a pig with a wooden leg limping around. So he asked the farmer: "Did you see that pig? What's with the wooden leg?"

  The farmer sat down on a bale of hay and began to tell the guy the pig's story: "One day, my wife and I were sleeping upstairs, when the pig came running in, jumped in bed with us, and squealed like mad. So we got up and went outside to see what was going on. The old stove down in the kitchen had exploded. The flames were everywhere. The whole house was on fire! If it hadn't been for that pig, my wife and I wouldn't be alive today."

  "Wow! That's amazing!" the guy said. "So the pig lost that leg in the fire?"

  "Well no," the farmer replied. "One day when I was plowing the field out back, my tractor tipped over and I was trapped underneath and couldn't free myself. That same pig came over, dug me out and saved my life!"

  "Incredible!" said the guy. "But how did that pig lose a leg?"

  "Well, a great pig like that, we ain't gonna eat all at once."

  A customer in a little country store noticed a sign with the words "Danger! Beware of Dog!" written on it. But instead of a well-trained watch dog, all he saw was a harmless old hound dog sleeping on the floor next to the cash register. He asked the owner of the store: "Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?"

  "Yessiree, that's him," the owner replied.

  The customer couldn't help but laugh. "That sure doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why on earth would you post that sign?"

  "Because until I hung up that sign, folks kept tripping over him."

  A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear looked over to the rabbit and asked: "Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

  The rabbit replied: "Why no, Mr. Bear, I most certainly do not."

  So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

  Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday. Shlomo, the oldest, said: "I built a big mansion for our mother."

  Moishe, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes and a driver."

  Ira, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mama used to enjoy reading the bible? Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible... Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."

  A few days later a letter arrived from their mother:

  "Shlomo, the mansion you built is huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

  Moishe, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver... he's a pain in the tuchas.

  But Ira, the chicken was delicious!"

  Cindy: "I lost my cat!"

  Rose: "Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper?"

  Cindy: "Don't be silly! She can't read!"

  Ricky, Jimmy, and Stewy were on the bus home from elementary school, when a fire engine zoomed past their bus with blaring sirens. The three kids noticed a Dalmatian dog on the front seat of the fire engine, and Ricky said: "They use that dog to keep crowds back."

  "No," said Jimmy. "He's just for good luck."

  But Stewy knew better: "No, the dog is giving them directions to the nearest fire hydrant."

  Tunas can swim at 28 mph, and at 35 mph in short bursts, which makes them the fastest fish out there. And they can swim further than any other fish.

  The Bluefin Tuna larvae have a 1 in 40 million chance of reaching adulthood.

  One Sunday morning, John stepped out onto the porch in his bathrobe to pick up his newspaper. He noticed a snail on the paper, so he picked it up and flung it across the front lawn onto the sidewalk.

  On another Sunday morning, about two years later, John was out on the porch again to pick up his paper, when he noticed a snail on the paper. It was the same snail.

  Bill looked at the snail. The snail looked at Bill.

  Then the snail said: "Now, was that REALLY necessary?!"

  After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.

  The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!

  "If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

  So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

  Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

  A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

  "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

  "Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

  The neighbor replied: "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some really sick people out there!"

  Q: How is a puppy like a penny?

  A: They both have a head and a tail.

  Q: What is more amazing than a talking dog?

  A: A spelling bee.

  John Smith noticed a parrot sitting on the seat next to him in business class. When the stewardesses came by, the parrot nastily yelled: "Hey bimbo! Bring me Vodka and tonic! And make it snappy!"

  The startled stewardess then looked at Mr. Smith and asked him what he wanted to drink. John asked her to bring him Scotch and water. A few minutes later the stewardess returned with the Vodka and tonic for the parrot, but nothing for John.

  After the nasty parrot finished his drink, he arrogantly demanded another Vodka and tonic. John politely reminded the stewardess that he was still waiting for the Scotch he had ordered. When the stewardess returned, she had the Vodka and tonic for the parrot, but again did not bring anything for John.

  Now John started to get upset at the stewardess for ignoring him in favor of the rude parrot
. So the next time she approached his seat, John yelled: "Hey, bitch! Get me my drink! NOW!"

  Immediately two male flight attendants showed up, grabbed both John and the parrot, dragged them to the door and threw them off the plane in mid-air. As they were falling to the ground, the parrot looked at John and said: "You sure got guts for someone who can't fly."

  Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

  A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

  Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?

  A: A bird that talks in morse code.

  A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He limped over to the bar, ordered a drink, turned around, looked at the crowd, and announced: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

  One day a cat died and went to Heaven. There she met The Lord Himself. God said to the cat: "You lived a good life and if there is anything I can do to make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please, don't hesitate to let me know."

  After a moment of thought, the cat replied: "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. Just once would I like to have a nice soft pillow to call my own."