Pet Humor!

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  The second man, an engineer, said he thought his dog was smarter. He told his dog Calculus to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into four piles of three. He did.

  The third man, a chemist, said that was good, but he felt his dog was even better. The dog, named Measure, was told to get a carton of milk and pour five ounces into a six ounce glass. No sooner said than done.

  All three men agreed that their dogs were unbelievably smart. A fourth man, a postal worker, who had been listening to the conversation, said: "That's nothing. My dog Coffee Break is the smartest."

  Then he told his dog: "Show these guys what you can do!"

  Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk and had his way with the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed for Workman's Comp, and then he went home on sick leave.

  Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.

  Q: When does a lizard go "moo?"

  A: When it's learning a new language.

  Q: What do you get when you cross a tiger with a canary?

  A: Who knows. But if it sings, you better listen.

  MORE WEIRD ANIMAL FACTS

  All polar bears are left-handed.

  Mosquitos are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color.

  A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

  Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

  The giraffe has no vocal cords and communicates by vibrating the air around its neck.

  A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

  A donkey will sink in quicksand, but a mule won't.

  Dolphins sleep with one half of the brain at a time, and with one eye closed.

  A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.

  A snail can sleep for 3 years at a stretch.

  Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of a blue whale.

  Although beavers live near rivers, streams and lakes, they do not eat fish. Beavers eat only plants.

  Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

  An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

  Chimpanzee DNA and human DNA is about 98.4% identical.

  Despite the many rat-infested slums in New York City, rats bite only 311 people in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers.

  Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

  BIRDS

  "I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think."

  -Rumi

  "Birds scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth, but sadly we don't speak bird."

  -Kurt Cobain

  "What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

  -Rodney Dangerfield

  "I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question."

  -Harun Yahya

  "I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."

  -D.H. Lawrence

  "Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure."

  -Stephen King

  USELESS KNOWLEDGE

  The names of the three wise monkeys are:

  Mizaru: See no evil

  Mikazaru: Hear no evil

  Mazaru: Speak no evil

  The oldest known goldfish lived to be 41 years. Its name was Fred.

  The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of old when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

  It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.

  The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

  There are more plastic flamingos in the United States, than real ones.

  Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

  The sloth moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on its fur.

  In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

  In the Caribbean, there are oysters that can climb trees.

  To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.

  Rats breed so quickly that in just 18 months, 2 rats could create over one million offspring.

  DEEP THOUGHTS ON DOGS

  "Happiness is a warm puppy."

  -Charles M. Schulz

  "The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants."

  -Johnny Depp

  "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

  -Will Rogers

  "A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog."

  -Jack London

  "How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."

  -Abraham Lincoln

  "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

  -Mark Twain

  “I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

  -Winston Churchill

  "Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods."

  -Christopher Hitchens

  "If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience."

  -Woodrow Wilson

  "What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic? You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog."

  -David Foster Wallace

  I WAS FRAMED, I TELL YOU!

  Grizz looked like a mixture between a collie and a German shepherd. Like a more masculine Lassie. He was the sweetest dog, but when he was younger, you couldn't leave him alone for five minutes!

  As soon as no one was looking, he'd use his big wet nose to poke the garbage can until it fell over, tear open the plastic bag inside and go treasure hunting. Ten minutes later the whole house looked like a battlefield.

  He grew out of that habit when he was about two years old, but until then there was just no stopping him. All we could do was to hide the garbage can, and all other breakable objects for that matter.

  One day my wife and I went to the movies without hiding the garbage can. By the time we realized the oversight, it was already too late. For the remainder of the movie we kept telling each other what horrors to expect once we got home.

  Back home, we slowly opened the kitchen door, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. We were dumbfounded to find the kitchen, the living room and all other rooms just the way we had left them. No disaster. We were so proud of Grizz for not having wreaked havoc... until we saw him! There he stood, smiling at us with a picture frame around his neck! Don't ask me how, but somehow he had managed to take the picture over the couch off the wall. Maybe he was chasing a fly or something.

  Anyway, he knocked the picture off the wall, tore it up and got his head stuck in the picture frame. It was hanging around his neck like an oversized collar. I guess he had been so busy trying to get th
e frame off of his neck, he just hadn't had the time to mess up the rest of the house.

  A cow produces around 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.

  A 1,000 pound cow produces about 10 tons of manure a year.

  MORE STUPID QUESTIONS

  Q: What is black ,white and red all over?

  A: A penguin with sunburn.

  Q: Why does a dog wag its tail?

  A: Because there’s no one else to wag it for him.

  Q: Why do fish live in salt water?

  A: Because pepper makes them sneeze.

  Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?

  A: Fsh.

  Q: What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom?"

  A: A cow walking backwards.

  Q: What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

  A: A gummy bear.

  Q: What do you call a pig who knows karate?

  A: Pork chop.

  Q: What do you call a cow in a tornado?

  A: A milkshake.

  Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

  A: No I deer.

  Q: What do you call an exploding monkey?

  A: A baboom.

  Q: What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

  A: Stuck.

  Q: How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

  A: Put him in the front seat.

  Q: How is a dog like a telephone?

  A: It has collar I.D.

  Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?

  A: The price of bacon would go up.

  A Veterinarian was feeling sick and went to see her doctor.

  The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.

  She interrupted him and said smugly: "You know, I'm a vet, and I don't need to ask my patients a hundred questions. I can tell what's wrong just by doing a proper exam. Why can't you?"

  The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said: "There you go. But if that doesn't work, we'll have to put you to sleep."

  A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but had to borrow the money from the bank to do so. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returned to see if the vet had helped.

  The farmer looked very pleased and said: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows too!"

  "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

  "He just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

  "What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

  "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of tasted like

  peppermint."

  Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "I'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

  One day at the veterinarian's office, an impatient man and the receptionist were arguing loudly.

  Then a technician came to her co-worker's defense and said: "Sir, do you know what we do here to aggressive males?"

  A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. Of course, the woman is very skeptical in believing this and goes home.

  A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, getting very frustrated, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles and, sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

  Later that night, her husband returns from being out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him, too. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it on her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him.

  The woman falls asleep again. The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to pee. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his testicles.

  He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says: "Boy, I don't remember what the heck happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we got first and second place."

  Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other: "Do you recall your worst day last year?"

  The other responds: "Yeah, the day I had diarrhea."

  Lemmings don't actually commit suicide. That's just a myth. The lemming population can decrease or increase dramatically, and when things get crowded, food becomes scarce. Then they decide to migrate, looking for more space and food. Sometimes they have accidents along the way.

  Lemmings have waterproof fur and are great swimmers for short distances. But if they jump in the water in large groups, or the water gets choppy, most of them drown.

  SNAKES

  Snakes sleep with their eyes open, because they don't have eye lids.

  Snakes do not have ears. They are totally deaf. But they can "hear" by sensing vibrations on the ground.

  Snakes have infrared imaging and they can sense prey using infrared.

  Of the many species of venomous snakes, only 30 kinds of them can actually kill humans.

  One drop of cobra venom could kill 50 people.

  A dead rattlesnake can still bite you if you get too close. The snake's heat sensors remain active until rigor mortis is complete, about a day or two after death.

  The mortality rate if bitten by a Black Mamba snake is over 95 percent.

  The Taipan of Australia is considered the most dangerous venomous snake in the world.

  The island of Komodo, Indonesia, contains more poisonous snakes per square meter than any other place on Earth.

  According to ancient Chinese wisdom, a snake in the house is a good omen because it means your family will not starve.

  Snakes play a big part in the folklore and mythology of India. Many Indians seriously believe that snakes grow beards as they get older, and that snakes have a diamond in their heads.

  The venom of a female black widow spider is more potent than that of a rattlesnake.

  The tiny poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people.

  The venomous copperhead snake smells like fresh cut cucumbers.

  Oh, and of course snakes are immune to their own venom.

  What's the difference between venom and poison? Something is poisonous when you bite it. Something is venomous when it bites you.

  DOG PROPERTY LAWS

  1. If I like it, it's mine.

  2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.

  3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

  4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

  5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

  6. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

  7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

  8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

  9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

  10. If it's broken, it's yours.

  A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says: "Give me a beer." The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner: "Hey boss, there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer." The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies: "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer." So the bartender heads back out front, hands the horse a beer and says: "You know, we don't get many horses around here." To which the horse replies: "At these prices I'm not surprised."

  It's so unfair that women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come when you call th
em, they like to stay out all night and when they are at home they like to be left alone and sleep all day.

  In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

  A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat walks by.

  "What are you?" asks the cat.

  "A gnome," he replies. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"

  The cat replies: "Uhmm, apparently I’m a gnome."

  A lonely woman buys a parrot for companionship. After a week, the parrot hasn’t said a word, so the woman goes back to the pet store and buys it a mirror. Nothing.

  The next week, she brings home a little ladder. Polly is still incommunicado.

  So then the week after that, she gives it a swing, which elicits not a peep.

  A week later, she finds the parrot on the floor of its cage, dying. Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers: "Don’t they have any food at that pet store?"