Belonging

by Maria Bernard

  “Gwen, how about a deal?” He looked back and forth from her to the notes in his hands.

  “What kind of deal?”

  “A trade. I’ll trade you this bracelet for this itinerary.”

  “You want my itinerary?”

  “Yes, I do. I’ve been racking my brain for ideas as to where to go. I need to get away. And, well, this is perfect. You have taken all the thinking out of it for me.”

  “You want to go to England?”

  “I do now. Why not? It makes perfect sense. God knows I have no interest in sunny destinations. I’m an art major, and you’ve included galleries and museums, perfect for a Goth like me. Of course, if I don’t make it to half of them, I’ll be quite happy. I’m afraid I’m not as ambitious as you apparently are. Besides, dreary old England is the perfect place to inspire the songwriter in me.”

  “When would you go?” she asked, holding her breath.

  “Next week, of course.”

  “But… I mean, who would you go with? Won’t it be difficult to arrange at the last minute?”

  “Difficult? Not with this plan of yours to go by. Besides, I’m going alone. And I’m actually rather keen. So no need to persuade myself. As far as I’m concerned, I’m already on the plane. So, what do you say? Do we have a deal?”

  “I-I don’t know. I worked rather hard on that.” Suddenly, she was struck with an idea. Actually, more of a knee jerk reaction. “What if… what if I went with you?”

  “Um… no, not possible. Thank you just the same. This isn’t that kind of trip.” He quirked a suggestive eyebrow. Well, now where did that come from? Was she actually proposing…

  “No, of course, that’s not what I was implying. Please, I hardly know you. I only meant as your own personal tour guide since I know my itinerary so well. In return, I’d have your company. You see, my main reason for hesitating in going is that I didn’t have anyone to go with. And, well, being female, I’m reluctant to travel on my own.” As pathetic as that sounded, at least, she hoped to appeal to the gentleman in him. She would rather he believe that her wanting to go with him was purely for reasons of personal safety. He didn’t have to know the real reason, her crippling anxiety.

  Crispin could only frown. His inherent protective nature winced at the very real and honest admission on her part. Looking in her clear blue-grey eyes, her blatant vulnerability called to him. Yet… this was not something he wanted to deal with. His whole purpose in going was to be on his own, to distance himself from people, not attach himself to another. As it was, he was already feeling a little too much for this particular young lady. The last thing he wanted was to exchange one clingy female for another only to have them rip his heart out in the end. He already had that with Becky. He’d fought his affections for her from the beginning only to be steamrolled by her loveable quirkiness. Trouble was, he knew he had issues keeping his perspective when it came to relationships. Therefore, he needed to nip this in the bud.

  “Listen, as much as I would love to help, I cannot be your escort.” He paused and gave his head a shake. He needed to focus. Odd sensations were starting to take root and he didn’t like it one bit. “So, do we have a deal or not? The bracelet for the itinerary?” When she hesitated, Crispin frowned. He already felt like a bastard in the truest sense of the word, he didn’t need the added guilt. “Never mind, keep it. I’ll just book my own trip. I think I can work from memory. As for the bracelet, perhaps the best place for it is at the bottom of the lake. Maybe I’ll head over there now and toss it in.”

  “No! You can’t!” Gwen’s mind raced with what to do. She suddenly wanted more than anything to make this trip happen. And the last thing she wanted was for her beloved bracelet to end up at the bottom of Lake Ontario. “Here, take it! Please, don’t toss the bracelet.”

  “Wonderful decision.” He slid the trinket towards her. In return, she reluctantly slid over her notes. “Tell you what, I’ll go on my own this time and when I get back I’ll let you know if I would add or subtract anything from this plan.”

  “Okay, sounds fair, I guess,” she said, watching him gather up her beloved itinerary. The whole time, her mind worked. This could not happen this way, she kept repeating to herself. She would not let it happen.

  Looking quite proud of himself, Crispin finished his coffee and stood up. “Now, where to go from here? I suppose I could get on the internet and try and book a flight.”

  “No! I mean, why would you do that? Listen, I have a better idea. A busy guy like you doesn’t need to have to worry about those types of details.”

  “Oh? What would you suggest?”

  “Uh… my friend. I have a friend. She’s a travel agent. She works across the street right there.” She pointed eagerly. “Just tell her Gwen sent you and she’ll look after the whole thing. She’ll even give you a discount. Stacy is her name.”

  “Hmm… wonderful idea. Stacy, you say?” Crispin glanced across the street at the travel agency. “Thanks for the tip, Gwen. Oh, and enjoy the bracelet.” Tucking the notes under his arm, he took the trinket from her trembling hands and fastened it to her right wrist. “There, as it should be. It belongs with you.”

  With a wink of an eye, he turned and made his way out of the café. Gwen waited with her heart in her throat as he took his leave. She watched him cross the street and reach for the travel agency door before grappling for her cell phone.

  “Stacy, it’s Gwen. I have a huge favour to ask of you!”

  Chapter 3

  One week later

  That had been harder than Crispin imagined. Granted, it was a stupid, selfish thing to do. He should never have tried to sneak away without saying a proper goodbye. He couldn’t fight back the tiny smile, though, at the thought of Becky’s reaction. She had caught him in the driveway as he was loading his suitcase into the car. She had literally grabbed onto him and had refused to let him go until he had sufficiently reassured her of his return. Even then, she wasn’t quite convinced. Such a little dormouse, he loved the silly little twit. But then that was the whole point of him needing to get away from her. From her and his other housemates.

  Regardless of their constant reassurances to the contrary, they would eventually move on. He had no interest in being the fifth wheel. Besides, he simply needed to step away for a while. Even if just to prove to himself that he could be alone and survive it. Yet no matter how much he tried to explain it to Becky, she couldn’t accept his viewpoint. She could not understand that sometimes, one must leave to find oneself.

  Grasping onto the steering wheel, he focused his attention on the road. It was still rather dark, only five in the morning and it was raining heavily. At least, it wasn’t snowing. That would make the three-hour drive to the airport even worse.

  As he drove he thought back to the day at the café with Gwen. He was glad to have come across her itinerary. What a godsend, that was. Before meeting up with her, he’d had no idea where to go. England. What a splendid idea. Especially for a Goth like him. Why hadn’t he thought of that?

  He had even taken Gwen’s advice and had her friend, Stacy the travel agent, book it all up for him. The only thing he had to worry about was getting to the airport on time and catching the early morning plane to Heathrow. He hadn’t even bothered to study the details of the trip. He was sure he would figure it all out as he went. Besides, he had an eight-hour flight to read over the specifics of Gwen’s well-laid plans. If he found anything that didn’t interest him, he would simply skip it and spend the afternoon in a pub somewhere wallowing in self-pity.

  He shook his head at the idea of Gwen going with him. What had she been thinking? They knew nothing of each other yet she had seemed so eager to come along. What an odd girl. On the one hand, she came across as nervous and tightly wound. On the other, she was ready to throw caution to the wind to go on a trip with a total stranger. She didn’t trust herself enough to go alone, yet she trusted him to be her travel buddy? It didn’t make any sense.

  As cute
as she was, her company at this moment was the last thing he needed. The whole point of this trip was to get away by himself, not play escort to a little mundane woman, as sexy as she was in her turtleneck sweater. Crispin gave his head a quick shake. He must be losing it for sure. Another reason to get out of town as quickly as possible. As it was, he had fought the urge to stop in and see her at the shop countless times this past week.

  Of course, he would be lying if he said he hadn’t found her proposal flattering. Most people steered clear of him, especially those who didn’t know him. Given his apparent Gothness, most people tended to avoid him like the plague. As physically attractive as he was, he also realized his challenging personality often put off those who might venture close enough to realize he wasn’t the nicest guy in the world. That was just fine as far as he was concerned. He wasn’t looking to make friends.

  Now, if it was a quick fuck she was after, he might have made an exception. Plenty of thrill seeking mundanes had come around and he had been all too accommodating in the past. But he could tell Gwen wasn’t that type, as much as he wanted her to be. In fact, he would love nothing more than a shot at her. Poor girl wouldn’t know what hit her. She obviously didn’t know who she was dealing with. With that lusty thought in his brain, Crispin turned up the radio and stepped on the gas. The sooner he left town, the better.

  ***

  “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather come with me and the girls to Cuba?” Stacy teased, already knowing the answer.

  “Are you kidding me? After all this planning?” Gwen asked, looking up from her purse. She had just re-checked her plane tickets for the hundredth time. “Terminal One, please.”

  “Yeah, I know. You forget that I’m the travel agent who booked your trip.” Stacy laughed as she approached the drop-off.

  “Thank you so much for doing this,” Gwen said with a nervous sigh.

  “It’s no big deal. Good thing our flights coincided. After I drop you off here, I go directly to Terminal Three for mine. Are you sure you don’t want to trade your tickets in for Cuba? Just say the word, I’ll make it happen.”

  “Stacy, you know how long I’ve been wanting to go to England. This may be my only chance.” Working across the street from Stacy’s travel agency, was actually why they had met. Many times during breaks, Gwen had spent planning this very trip with her. Stacy was in her early thirties and had been a travel agent for quite some time. Plus, she knew all about her anxiety issues and understood why it had taken her so long to actually book the trip. Gwen would be eternally grateful to her friend for not teasing her too much about the reason behind her sudden courage.

  “Just pulling your leg. But I must say, I’m quite impressed with your sudden spunk. Go figure, all you needed was a little incentive in the form a hot guy to get you off your butt. Mind you, he is gorgeous. Not my type at all, but I can see why you’re all worked up. He’s got that whole old world charm going on that you love so much. An old soul, I suppose would be the best way to describe him.”

  “I know, right? He’s perfect…” Gwen sighed.

  “Perfect? Well, now let’s not get carried away. But I can see why you would think so. And what better way to find out than to travel together? The only thing that worries me is, well, he was quite adamant about going alone. I mean, how much do you know about this guy? What if he reacts badly?”

  “I don’t know anything at all about him actually, but this is a chance I’m willing to take,” Gwen said, suddenly not so sure of herself. She toyed with the little bracelet still on her wrist from when he’d first placed it there. She hadn’t yet taken it off. He’d said it belonged with her. Little did he realize that much like the bracelet, he belonged with her. He just didn’t know it yet. “I’ll simply have to convince him that having me along won’t be so bad. When I first offered to tag along, while hesitant, I’m sure I saw something there in his eyes. I can’t exactly explain it but I saw it. Anyway, it just has to work.”

  “Of course, I’m sure he’ll get over the initial shock. I mean, really, who actually wants to travel alone?”

  “Right, well, I just hope he doesn’t freak when he finds out I’m on the same plane, let alone sitting right next to him.” Gwen had made Stacy reserve the seat next to Crispin for the flight. She had even paid the extra charge to guarantee they would sit together. That’s when she would have to come clean and explain herself. As afraid of his reaction as she was, the fear of flying on her own was greater. Sitting next to him would be the only way she could get through the flight.

  “And then some...” Stacy mumbled to herself. “Oh, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled. If anything, he’ll be flattered. Sometimes true love just needs a little push in the right direction. Besides, as eccentric as the guy seems, my gut tells me he’s exactly what you need. There’s just something about him. I can’t nail it down.”

  “Really, you think so?

  “Oh, yeah, trust me. I’ve set up my three sisters, and a cousin and they’re all happily married. If only I could do the same for myself.”

  “Oh, come on, that’s crazy. But, wow, wouldn’t that be awesome?”

  “It’s the truth, I am a matchmaker to be sure. Hey, maybe I should change careers. Better yet I’ll do both. Consider this a freebie, since you’re a special case.”

  “Special case?”

  “Well, only because technically you met him on your own. I only just enabled the love to bloom.”

  “Love? Um, I mean I do fancy him, and, well, he is the embodiment of all my fantasies, but that’s not what this is really about. I honestly just want to go to England and if knowing I’ll be with him helps me get over my anxiety about travelling, then that’s all I can really hope for.”

  “Whatever gets you through, Gwen. Now, I must say, as excited as I am, I’m also nervous for you, sweetheart. This is a huge step out of your comfort zone.”

  “Trust me, I’m nervous too. I just hope I don’t lose it before even make it on the plane!”

  “Gwen, we’ve been over this a hundred times. That’s the easy part. You’ll be fine. Just remember what we talked about. Simply follow the instructions I’ve written down. Basically, the secret to stress-free travelling is to give yourself plenty of time. We’ve arrived early enough to ensure that. So first, get through the check-in process. Then all you have to do is relax until it’s time to board the plane.”

  Board the plane? Would she even get that far? “You make it sound so simple.”

  “It is simple. That’s what you have to keep in mind. I’ve taken care of everything. All you have to do is get your suitcase and get out of this car. One foot in front of the other from there on.”

  “Yes... you’re right,” Gwen said as she robotically got out of Stacy’s car and retrieved her luggage from the trunk. Rolling it up the sidewalk, she stopped in at the passenger side window and waved at her friend. Stacy gave her a brave smile then pointed her in the right direction. Before Gwen could change her mind, she drove off to find Terminal Three.

  Chapter 4

  One foot in front of the other. Gwen repeated the mantra in her head as she walked, dragging her suitcase behind her. It was all she could do to keep from panicking. She knew what she had to do. First, she needed to find the correct airline counter. In order for her to do this, she needed to focus on one task at a time. If she let herself think about all of it at once, she might lose her mind.

  The one thing that kept her from worrying too much, was her trust in her friend. Stacy would not have led her astray. Sure enough, Gwen found the correct airline counter and took a deep breath. With quite a bit of people already ahead of her, she had time to check her documents. Even though she knew exactly where they were, in her purse, she just had to verify their location yet again. It’s what she did. She blamed it on her obsessive compulsive personality.

  While she waited, she tried to ignore the hustle and bustle around her. But she was also vigilant of her immediate surroundings. She took in the faces of those in front of
her and those behind her. These would be the people she would share her flight with. As of yet, she saw no sign of Crispin. She was both glad and worried. She was glad because she didn’t want him to see her until they were on the plane. But she was worried that perhaps he might not actually show up. That would be horrible. She would be forced to go it alone. Both scenarios were terrifying.

  With time on her hands, she started to wonder. When the inevitable confrontation did happen, she didn’t have a clue as to how to explain herself. She hadn’t allowed herself to dwell on it, to be honest. If she had, she might never have gotten this far. What if he reacted badly? What if he wanted nothing to do with her? She would be doomed. She had no backup plan! How did this happen? She planned everything. It’s how she coped, yet here she was, with no such plan!

  What she should do is turn around and go home. That would be the smart thing to do. But before she could make up her mind, she found herself at the front of the line. With one foot in front of the other, she forced herself to focus on the task at hand. One task at a time, one step at a time. It was the only way she would get through this. She would deal with Crispin when the time came.

  ***

  Crispin arrived at the airport with minutes to spare. His unexpected run-in with Becky had cost him precious time. Still, he couldn’t have walked away before she’d been sufficiently reassured of his return. The silly little dormouse was a right mess, giant crocodile tears trailing down her cheeks, lips all aquiver.

  It caused a wince in his heart at the mere memory of her distress. Yet he would be lying if he said he hadn’t appreciated the sentiment. At that thought, Crispin gave his head a shake and approached the airline counter. It was for that very reason, he had to get away.