Chances Are Omnibus (Gender Swap Fiction)

by P. T. Dilloway

  I stop at the last landing before the bottom of the stairs; the hair on the back of my neck stands up. It’s an instinct honed after thirty years as a cop. Turns out my instinct is right; a knife flies through where my head was a few seconds ago. Then I hear a door slam shut.

  It’s dark in the basement. I’m tempted to get out my cigarette lighter, but that will give Blades an easy way to home in on me. Instead I feel around with my hands like a blind man. It reminds me of when I had to go downstairs in the house I shared with Debbie whenever a fuse blew out.

  I shuffle a few yards and then listen for any sounds. All I hear is the creak of machines and the hiss of pipes. I have no idea what Blades would want down here. Does Lex hope they keep some old treasures down here?

  After a couple of minutes I see what he’s up to. He stands in a wire mesh cage and faces a big metal box with a lot of wires. It’s not unlike the fuse box in my basement, except that he’s pulling out the fuses. That will take down power to the entire building, to deactivate whatever security they might have.

  I get behind Blades, the barrel of my gun lined up with the center of his back. If the shot doesn’t kill him, then it’ll at least cripple him. I click off the safety. “Turn around slow, Blades. You’re going to be sitting out the rest of this dance.”

  “You can’t stop us, pig,” he says.

  “We’ll see about that. Turn around, now. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life pissing into a catheter bag.”

  Blades starts to turn around. As he does, though, his left hand brushes against a switch. The light in the cage goes out. I pull the trigger; the flash from the barrel lets me see for a moment that Blades is already on the move.

  I feel the blade slash across my left forearm. I grunt with pain while I thrash around with my right hand and hope to connect with something. All I get is air. The hair on the back of my neck stands up again. I pick my left foot up and sweep it around. This time I hit something. I hear Blades grunt and the clatter of something metal on the floor.

  I reach into the pocket of my suit jacket and take out my lighter. Blades scrambles to his feet. I fire again, but he rolls to the right, his instincts almost as good as mine. He takes another knife out. He wastes little time to throw it at me. I’ve already dropped the lighter as I dive to the left. There’s a sharp pain in my shoulder when I land; I’m not as young and flexible as I used to be.

  “Give it up, pig,” Blades says.

  I’m sure by now Blades has another knife, or maybe the first one he dropped. I don’t even have my lighter now to see him. Though unless he’s part cat, he can’t see me either. The best either of us can hope for is to stumble into the other first.

  I do have one advantage, though: Blades likes to talk. “When I find you, I’m going to gut you like a fish. Then I’m going to cut you into little pieces to take home and feed to my dog.”

  His voice is like sonar I can use to track him down. While he goes on about all the things he’s going to do to me, I crawl across the floor to home in on him. I turn my pistol around, to grip it by the barrel. “When I’m done, there won’t be enough left of you—”

  I silence him with a whack across the neck. It’s a good thing I carry a big .45 and not some pansy gun. Though I’m pretty sure I’ve got him knocked out, I hit him again. I shake him a couple of times to make sure.

  I feel around to locate my cigarette lighter. I flick it to life and see Blades passed out on the floor. I take out my handcuffs and attach one to his wrist. Then I drag him over to the edge of the cage. The mesh is wide enough that I can slip the cuff around it. That ought to keep him for a little while.

  I make sure to take all of his knives off of him. Then I go over to the fuse box. I try to flick the switch he touched before the light went out, but it doesn’t do any good. Something’s blown out or else the system needs time to restart.

  Either way, I’ve got to do the rest of this in the dark.

  Chapter 4

  It’s not entirely dark on the second floor. There’s a dim red glow in the corridors from the exit signs. That’s better than nothing, I suppose.

  I find a lunchroom on the second floor. With some help from my cigarette lighter, I see a phone on the wall. No signal there either. The lines are dead. Big surprise.

  In the glow of the cigarette lighter, I see blood seep from the wound on my arm. I take off my suit jacket, followed by my shirt. The left sleeve of my shirt comes off easily enough. I tie it around the wound as a makeshift bandage. Then I put my suit jacket back on over my undershirt.

  I climb up the stairs to the third floor. As I open the stairway door, I get another feeling. I flatten myself just as I hear the wheeze of a silencer. The Tall Man is up here. Not a surprise since he didn’t go downstairs with Blades.

  I lunge through the doorway and scurry behind a corner. I peek around the corner to try to catch a glimpse of him. There’s only the flicker of a shadow against one wall. This is where I wish I had Jake to help me. With two of us we could use a pincer maneuver to corner him. By myself I’ll have to hope I can get lucky.

  I can’t expect the Tall Man to give himself away by talking smack either. That’s not his style. He won’t say a word even as he puts a bullet into me. I’ll have to hope he makes some other mistake.

  It would be suicide to go around the corner, so I trot down the corridor as fast as I can. There’s another corner here. I peek around it to look for any sign of the Tall Man. I can’t see anything. That doesn’t mean he isn’t there.

  I start down the corridor and hope for the best. If I’m lucky he’ll still be watching over by the stairway, to wait for me to come out. Then maybe I can sneak up on him.

  No such luck. I hear the cough of the silencer. I throw myself to the floor just in time. Before he can fire again, I roll to my right. There’s a door there. I flatten myself against it and try the knob with one hand. It’s locked.

  I count to three before I run back into the corridor. Before the Tall Man can get a bead on me, I run back towards the door and barrel into it as hard as I can. The door gives way. I tumble through the doorway and land on my face in someone’s office. There’s a desk, file cabinets, and a shelf of books with scientific names. A degree on the wall identifies the office as that of Dr. Gita Nath.

  I roll over to beside the doorway and then get into a crouch. I count to three before I stick my head around the corner. A second later a bullet almost gives me an impromptu facelift. I jerk my head back before the Tall Man can adjust his aim.

  I decide I’d better adjust my position. I make a break for the other side of the doorway. Another bullet hits the tile floor just behind my left foot. That’s twice I’ve gotten lucky. Especially lucky because in the darkness of the hallway, the only way for the Tall Man to have seen me so easily is that he must have a pair of fancy goggles on to let him see in the dark. Since his shots were a little bit off, they’re probably infrared goggles that let him see my heat signature.

  I look around the office for anything else that might be of use to end the standoff. Unfortunately Nath isn’t the kind of doctor who has a bazooka or flamethrower in her office. The thought of a flamethrower gives me an idea.

  If the Tall Man really does have infrared goggles, then maybe I can give him something else to shoot at. I reach into my jacket for my cigarette lighter. Now all I need is something flammable to light on fire.

  I search through Dr. Nath’s drawers, at least those that aren’t locked. It turns out the doctor is a bit of a germaphobe, which isn’t a surprise given her line of work. In a bottom drawer I find an industrial-sized bottle of hand sanitizer. That should work well enough.

  I dump out the entire bottle of sanitizer on Nath’s office chair. Lucky for me it’s a cloth one, not leather. Then I wheel it over by the doorway. I’m not religious by any means, but I still say a prayer as I strike my cigarette lighter.

  It takes a moment for the sanitizer to light. When it does there’s a whoosh, followed by a burst of b
lue flame. I drop to my hands and knees behind the chair. Now it’s time to put my ruse into action.

  I stay behind the chair as I wheel it into the hallway. Once I get it into the center of the hallway, I drop to the floor. My hope is he’ll hit the chair and not me. I get my wish; three shots go through the back of the chair, over my head. Though it doesn’t matter, I hold my breath and wait for the Tall Man to check out his handiwork.

  I hear his boots on the tile. I wait for a couple more seconds before I jump to my feet. He stands in the center of the hallway, the gun still aimed at the flaming chair as I take the safety off my pistol. “Drop it!” I shout. He does so.

  I kick the chair out of the way, followed by his pistol. Then I rip the red-lensed goggles from his eyes. He grunts, which for him is like a scream. Maybe I should keep the goggles, but I don’t have any idea how they work and there isn’t time to learn. So I toss them down the hallway. Then I motion for him to step into Dr. Nath’s office.

  “Time for you and I to have a little chat.”

  ***

  I use the power cord from a lamp in Dr. Nath’s office to tie the Tall Man to a chair. His eyes are watery, but they follow me as I pace in front of him. “What’s Lex doing here?” I ask him.

  When the Tall Man doesn’t say anything, I pick up Dr. Nath’s stapler. I use it like a brass knuckle to hit the Tall Man across his pale horse face. He grunts with pain, but still doesn’t say anything. Jake’s not here to play good cop, so I hit the bastard again. “You want to have any teeth left, you better start talking,” I say.

  The Tall Man still doesn’t say anything. I hit him a couple more times. A gash opens up on his cheek. “What’s he doing here?” I ask.

  When he still doesn’t talk, I decide on another approach. I stick the barrel of my pistol between his legs. Even the Tall Man isn’t immune to this form of persuasion. “Don’t,” he says.

  “So you can talk. It’s a fucking miracle.” I take the safety off my pistol. “What does Lex want here?”

  “Some drug they’re working on.”

  “Why?” When I don’t get an answer right away, I push my gun harder into his crotch.

  “I don’t know.”

  “The hell you don’t. Unless you want your friends to start calling you the Tall Woman, you better start being cooperative.”

  “He wants to sell it.”

  “To who?”

  “I don’t know.” For the first time I see real panic on the Tall Man’s face. “He hasn’t said anything!”

  “I believe you.” I pull the gun back a little. “Where is he?”

  “Fifth floor.”

  “Thanks.” I take the thickest book off the shelf. I hit him across the jaw with it. There’s a snap of bone and a scream. I’ve probably broken his jaw. He’s still conscious, though. Another whack from the book takes care of that.

  I leave the book on the desk and the Tall Man tied to the chair. It’s time to go find Luther.

  Chapter 5

  There’s no one to welcome me to the fifth floor with knives or bullets. I keep my pistol ready anyway, just in case. I’m not sure where Lex is on this floor or if he’s still here. Why he wants to steal and sell a drug is beyond me. Seems a bit penny ante for Lex, given how much he makes off one shipment of coke or heroin or whatever else he’s into.

  Before I have any more time to consider this, a door beside me flies open. A beefy hand reaches out to grab me by the collar. A moment later I’m airborne. Another moment later, I hit the wall hard enough that my pistol flies out of my hand.

  I collapse forward, onto a table. Unluckily for me, the table is covered in all sorts of beakers, tubes, and vials. It’s like one of those old Westerns as Bruiser sweeps me along the table; shattered glass cuts my face and chest. I run headfirst into another wall.

  Bruiser turns me over so I can look up at him. “Boss says to get rid of you, pig,” he says. I’d say something witty, but I haven’t caught my breath yet.

  He grabs me by the lapels of my jacket and then flings me across the room as if I’m a football. I’m somewhat lucky to land on the floor, instead of on the edge of a counter or anything that could knock me out or break my neck. It still doesn’t feel good as I lie there and bleed from dozens of tiny cuts.

  Before Bruiser can get me again, I scramble to my knees. Discretion being the better part of valor, I run. Bruiser is big and strong, but he isn’t fast. I’m old, slow, and dinged up, but it’s still easy enough for me to put some distance between us. I’m not sure where to go; I just know I need a moment to think things over.

  I bash through another door; my shoulder screams with pain. I shut the door behind me, although I know it won’t do a damned bit of good. Then I turn and nearly give myself a heart attack.

  I’m in a zoo. Or maybe a pound would be a better description. There are rows of metal cages all around me. In them I see mice, rats, rabbits, and on up to a couple of chimps. The animals start to get fussy when they see me; the smaller ones hide in the corners of their cages while the bigger ones slam at the bars. Each cage is tagged with a number and a basic description of their purpose. I see a couple with Dr. Nath’s name on them.

  I don’t take any more time to read the labels. Bruiser is dumb, but it won’t take him long to find me. I look around for a weapon. I’m about to grab a chair to use like a lion tamer when I see something else, something much more fitting: a tranquilizer gun. No doubt it’s so the animals in here can’t rebel against their owners.

  I use my elbow to bash open the case for the tranquilizer gun. The animals start to go nuts as they watch me load the thing. They say animals can sense when natural disasters are going to happen; maybe that extends to manmade ones too. The door bursts open with a thunderous crack that knocks it off its lower hinges.

  “You can’t hide, copper,” Bruiser says. He takes a couple of steps towards me. I see that he has a length of pipe he probably tore out of a wall.

  I kick the cage nearest to me. It’s not enough to open the thing, but the lock is weakened enough for the chimp inside to break out. It’s a fifty-fifty proposition on whether he’ll come after me or Bruiser. Maybe the monkey is smart enough to remember who helped release it, because it goes after Bruiser.

  The chimp moves faster than I think possible and then throws itself into the air, towards Bruiser. He swings the length of pipe like a baseball bat and connects with the chimp’s skull. The chimp goes down in a heap on the floor. But his sacrifice is not in vain. I use the distraction to pump three darts into Bruiser’s back.

  He turns to me; he still clutches the now-bloody pipe. He stomps towards me, ready to finish me off. Before he can, his knees wobble. He collapses to the floor, the boxer KO’d by animal tranquilizers. I drop the tranquilizer gun to the floor and then sigh with relief.

  I drag Bruiser into an empty monkey cage. It seems a fitting place to leave him.

  Then it’s off to find Lex.

  ***

  In the lab I find my .45 on the floor. I change out the magazine to put in a fresh one in case the old clip got damaged. I wish I had time to strip down the weapon to make sure it still works, but there’s no time. I have to find Lex before he takes off.

  As I turn a corner, I hear Artie Luther’s voice. “I’m losing patience, Doctor. I want the formula for the serum.”

  “I don’t have it here,” a woman’s voice says. “It’s in my office.”

  “We’ll see about that.” There’s a hiss of static following this. “Thomas? Thomas, come in.” There’s nothing but more static. “William? Robert?”

  By the time he’s done, I’m at the door. “It appears we’re about to have company,” Lex says.

  I spin into the middle of the doorway to pull off a shot that will get Lex in his big, bald head. Instead I see him facing the doorway, an Indian woman in a lab coat pressed against him. Lex has the barrel of a nickel-plated pistol against the Indian woman’s temple.

  The nametag on her lab coat reads, “Dr. G. Na
th.” She’s the one whose office I broke into on the third floor, where I left the Tall Man. Lex gives me a smug grin as he sees me. “Hello, Detective Fischer. So good to see you again.”

  “It’ll be better to see you at your funeral,” I say. Maybe not the best comeback, but I’ve lost a pint or two of blood. I tighten my grip on my pistol. “Let the girl go.”

  Dr. Nath’s eyes narrow in a way that indicates she doesn’t like to be referred to as a girl. Tough shit. This isn’t the time for political correctness. “I will do no such thing,” Lex says. “You, however, will lower your weapon and let us walk out of here.”

  “Why would I do that?”

  “Because otherwise you’ll be responsible for this dear woman’s death.”

  “You shoot her and I shoot you.”

  “Perhaps.” Lex grins wider. “This is what they mean by a Mexican standoff. I trust you neutralized my associates?”

  “If you mean that I knocked out your thugs, yeah. All three of them are sleeping like babies right now.” I motion to him with my gun. “You might as well join them.”

  Lex stares back at me. Sweat starts to form on his forehead. “I know all about you, Detective,” he says. “You’re a brave and honorable police officer. All those commendations and medals. A man like you isn’t going to let an innocent woman die.”

  “Yeah? You want to bet your life on it?”

  “Are you ready to bet her life on it?” Lex says. He cocks his pistol. Nath’s eyes go wide. She stares at me; her eyes plead with me to do something.

  I take a step away from the door. “Go on, you son of a bitch.”

  “Thank you, Detective,” Lex says and I’d like to punch myself for it. He steps out of the room with his human shield turned to face me. He’s not stupid enough to give me an opening to shoot him, not unless I want to hit Dr. Nath.