Chances Are Omnibus (Gender Swap Fiction)

by P. T. Dilloway

  This time I can barely see over the jewelry counter. I have even less money, so I just stand back while Jamie studies the necklaces. She finds something she wants and then starts to bark at the salesgirl like an old pro. “Don’t bother gift wrapping it,” Jamie says. “We’ll wear it out.”

  I assume she meant the royal we until she turns to me and presents me with a red cardboard box. “What’s this?”

  “Open it and find out, dummy,” she says.

  I open the box and see a silver necklace. It’s one of those half-heart necklaces. My half says, “ST ENDS EVER.” Jamie has the other half of the heart. When we put them together, they spell out the full message: BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. Though there are millions of similar necklaces around the city, my eyes still tear up. “This is so sweet,” I say. “No one’s ever done something like this for me before.”

  For the first time, Jamie acts shy; her cheeks redden. “I thought we should make it official,” she says.

  We share a hug. Then we put the necklaces on each other’s necks. Now in a small way we’re bonded. As we skip away from the jewelry counter to show the necklaces off to Travis and Caleb, I wonder why Maddy, Grace, and I hadn’t ever done anything like this. If Maddy and I ever do get back to being ourselves again, I’ll have to buy her a necklace so she’ll know how important she is to me.

  ***

  It’s a lot different to shop with Jamie than with Maddy and Grace. It’s not just that we shop in a different section of the store. The stores we visit are different too. Jamie is too young for liberal guilt, so she shops at the Gap, Old Navy, and similarly commercial stores instead of vintage shops.

  Jamie takes it upon herself to update my wardrobe. When I try to resist and say I don’t have the money, she says, “Daddy won’t mind.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “He doesn’t care, so long as I don’t try to buy a Ferrari or something.”

  “What if you did?”

  “I’d be paying for it out of my allowance for a long, long time.” We laugh at this and then Jamie takes a T-shirt off the rack. It’s pink, which to this point I’ve always avoided. When she holds it up against me, I shift uncomfortably. “I think that would look great on you.”

  “It’s a little girly,” I say.

  “Well, duh. You’re a girl.”

  “That’s true.” In the end I let her buy the shirt. I don’t want to offend her. Besides, nothing says I actually have to wear it. Maybe I’ll have to wear it once so Jamie can see me in it.

  “We should get something really cute for the presentation,” she says.

  She finds a red dress I’m sure Tess would not approve of. The skirt barely touches my knees and the neck dips to the point it would show off my cleavage if I had any. “Hey, it matches your glasses,” Jamie says.

  She’s right about that. That makes me love the dress. “I guess I’ll try it on,” I say. In the mirror I see it’s just as short and revealing as I thought. I smooth the red fabric over my potbelly; maybe I can lose a few pounds before the presentation. I step out of the dressing room so Jamie can see me in it. “You think it’s too short?”

  “You look great. But you need some pretty shoes to go with it.”

  I feel an icy hand grip my stomach. It took me a while to walk in heels as a grown-up; I don’t want to try it as a kid. My fears are assuaged when Jamie picks out a pair of red flats. “Wow, you look awesome,” she says.

  “You think so?”

  “Oh yeah. Keshia is going to be so jealous.”

  “I hope not. She’ll probably try to beat me up again.”

  “You’ll be fine.” Jamie grins at me. “You want to look good for Darren, don’t you? Then he’ll kiss you for sure.”

  I slap her on the arm. “Shut up!”

  Jamie gets a dress similar to mine, only it’s light blue. We have both of them boxed up so we don’t get them wrinkled before our big night. I feel like Princess Stacey again as the driver takes our purchases and loads them into the trunk.

  Caleb didn’t go with us into the clothes stores. Travis took him to the arcade so he could blow a few dollars on the machines there while he waited for us. “What took so long?” he whines.

  “None of your business,” Jamie snaps.

  From there we go to the movie theater. After some negotiation between Jamie and Caleb, they agree to Dolphin Tale, in 2D because Jamie claims the 3D glasses give her a headache. “They don’t make prescription ones for Stacey either,” she says and then sticks her tongue out at me.

  Jamie and I get a tub of popcorn to share, along with two sodas and a box of Sno Caps. Caleb just gets candy and soda, enough that I’m sure he’ll be bouncing off the walls before the movie is half over. We find seats in the middle of the theater. Jamie insists I sit on the aisle next to her.

  We munch our snacks and sip our sodas while the previews play. I think of my date with Seth that seems like a million years ago. How long will it be before I can go on another date with a boy? It might be years unless Dr. Palmer can change Maddy and I back.

  About ten minutes into the movie, Jamie bumps her soda in the cupholder between us. The soda topples over to splash onto my jeans. I cry out and leap to my feet. “I’m so sorry,” Jamie says. She takes my hand while people begin to hiss for us to be quiet and get out of the way. “I’ll help her clean up,” she whispers to Travis.

  I wait until we’re out of the theater to ask, “Why did you do that?”

  “It was an accident.”

  “Was not. You did it on purpose.”

  “I did not!”

  “I saw you.” I start to tear up as I reach for my necklace. “I thought we were friends.”

  “We are,” Jamie says. She leans close to me and then whispers, “I needed something to get us out of there.”

  “What?”

  Jamie pulls me towards another theater a couple doors down. The digital sign over the door indicates this theater is for Dream House. She puts a finger to her lips to keep me quiet as we slip through the door.

  In my day it was a lot harder to sneak into a movie. The theaters had ushers to make sure no one got unruly. You also had employees who gave a shit. Now it’s so easy that the only difficulty will be to get the soda stain off my jeans. No one stops us or even questions us as we take seats near the back of the theater.

  Jamie can’t resist a triumphant snicker. “You get it now?” she asks.

  “Won’t Travis figure it out?”

  “He won’t care.”

  We slouch down into our seats just to make sure no do-gooder adult tattles on us. I can’t help but feel a giddy thrill at this act of rebellion. It’s been a long time since I did anything like this.

  The movie follows most of the standard horror movie formula. A lot of things go bump in the night. While I’ve seen a lot worse than anything in the movie in my police career, I still feel a nervous tremor. As the movie goes on, I begin to curl up tighter and tighter in my seat. I glance over at Jamie, who is just as nervous.

  By the end I peek over my arm until something scary happens. Then I cover my face and whimper. I keep my face covered for probably the last fifteen minutes and during the credits. Even as the lights go on I’m scared to look up, afraid of what I might see.

  When someone touches my shoulder, I scream. “It’s over now, girls,” an old woman says. She sounds a lot like Tess, but I know Tess couldn’t be here. I finally look up to see the old woman wears a theater uniform.

  I expect Jamie to make fun of me, but her face is pale and she trembles as she uncurls from her chair. “Is it over?” she asks, her voice tiny.

  “It’s over,” the woman repeats. “You two should go before you get in trouble.”

  I take Jamie’s hand and lead her up the aisle. Back in the safety of the lobby, Jamie sighs with relief. “Oh my God, that was soooo scary,” she says. “I almost wet my pants.”

  “Me too.”

  We find Travis and Caleb in the lobby. Caleb plays with his phone
on a bench, oblivious. “You guys done?” Travis asks. I take it from his reaction he knows we snuck into a different movie, but won’t bust us for it. Jamie probably does this all the time.

  “We’re done,” Jamie says.

  ***

  The cook has the night off, so we have a couple of pizzas delivered. Caleb refuses to eat any toppings or to pick them off, so he gets a cheese pizza. Jamie and I eat a Hawaiian one with pineapple, ham, and bacon despite that her father’s half-assed Judaism prohibited pork. “He won’t find out if we eat it all,” Jamie says with a sly grin.

  I’m not all that hungry after the movie, but I pitch in to do my part. There’s a special iCarly on, so we sit in front of the sixty-inch TV to watch that. It’s better with Jamie right here instead of texting me a thousand times while I try to watch.

  “I want a loft like that when I get older,” Jamie says. “We can share it.”

  “That would be great,” I say and mean it. If I have to grow up again, it wouldn’t be so bad if Jamie and I could be roommates. “Here or back in Miami?”

  “Here, I suppose. Though Seattle might be cool too.” Jamie says that’s where iCarly takes place.

  “I’ve heard it rains a lot there,” I say. Although this is a hypothetical scenario I wouldn’t want to move too far from the city, not unless Maddy comes with us.

  “That’s true. But we won’t be outside that much. We’ll be inside, kissing boys. Me and Eric and you and Darren.”

  “Shut up!” I squeal. I grab a couch pillow to give her a little tap on the shoulder. “I don’t like Darren. He’s weird.”

  “Sure, that’s why you went over to his house.”

  “That was just for the project.”

  “Whatever you say.” In a more ominous tone she adds, “The Ouija board never lies.”

  I’ve forgotten about the scary movie, at least until it’s time for bed. It’s been a long, long time since I was scared of the dark, yet as soon as Jamie turns off the light, I shiver. At any moment I expect something to burst out of the closet or from under the bed.

  “Jamie?”

  “Huh?”

  “Do you think maybe we could leave the light on tonight?”

  “I guess,” she says. From the way she doesn’t chide me about being a scared little baby, I know she’s rattled too. She hops out of bed to turn the light back on. Then we go to sleep and cling to each other for protection from monsters.

  Chapter 32

  Jamie’s father must not work on Sunday mornings, as he’s the one who takes me back to Jake’s house. Jamie comes along to keep me company. After breakfast we showed him our necklaces and the new clothes we bought. He’s especially impressed when we come out in our new dresses. “Where’d my daughter and her friend Stacey go? All I see are these two little beauty queens,” he says.

  “Dad-dy, don’t be silly,” Jamie says, but she smiles at the compliment anyway.

  As we pull up to Jake’s house, Jamie says, “I’ll text you later so you can tell me how your grandma freaks out when she sees that dress.”

  “She’s not going to freak out that much,” I say, or at least I hope she doesn’t.

  We hug and then I get out of the car. Mr. Borstein takes my packages, as well as my sleeping bag and suitcase. I take my backpack and my pink monkey. To my relief, Tess is there to greet us at the door. She doesn’t look any worse for wear either.

  She just about knocks the monkey out of my hand as she squeezes me in a hug. “Hello, dear. How was your sleepover?”

  I try to answer, but my mouth is muffled by her chest. I’m saved by Mr. Borstein. He sets down the suitcase so he can shake Tess’s hand. “Hello, Mrs. Madigan. I’m Gary Borstein, Jamie’s father.”

  “It’s good to meet you. I hope Stacey hasn’t been too much trouble.”

  “Oh this one is nothing but trouble,” Mr. Borstein says. He gives me a playful wink. “But seriously, Stacey is a wonderful girl. You must be so proud.”

  “We certainly are.”

  I sneak into the house, eager to find Maddy. She’s not in the living room, despite that cartoons are still on the TV. I hurry up to the bedroom, where I find her in front of the vanity, as she brushes out her damp hair. She only wears a towel around her midsection. I say, “Hi.”

  She turns to me and smiles. “Hi!” Maddy gives me a hug that’s not as tight as Tess’s, but still pretty firm. The towel miraculously stays on throughout this. “You’re just in time. We were going to leave for church in a few minutes.”

  “You were?”

  “Yes. Grandma said we should go to the later service in case you showed up.”

  “That’s great,” I say, though I’m not really in the mood to get dressed up and go to church.

  “It is. Then you can meet my new friends.”

  “New friends?” I say. I wonder if she’ll show me a couple of stuffed toys.

  “Margarita and Anita. They’re both really nice and they have a playhouse in their backyard for tea parties and stuff and they’ve got a doggy named Amarillo because he’s yellow.”

  I think of the dog Maddy used to own, a golden retriever named Max. It makes sense she would like kids who have a similar dog. If they’re real and not her imagination. She might have made them up just to get even with me for sleeping over at Jamie’s house this weekend.

  I change into my church dress and then run a comb through my hair. My eyes are a little red from a lack of sleep, but I look presentable. Maddy looks much better, her hair smooth after the brushing she gave it; her cheeks glow with excitement.

  Jamie and her father are gone by the time I get back downstairs. Tess waits down in the living room. She smoothes my hair and dress. “So what all did you and your new friend do?” she asks.

  “We went shopping and saw a movie and Jamie bought this for me. She has the other half so we’ll always know we’re best friends,” I say in one childish gush. I fish my necklace from under my dress so Tess can see it

  “That’s very nice, dear,” she says, but her face clouds with sadness.

  “What’s wrong, Grandma?”

  “Nothing, dear. It’s a very pretty necklace.”

  Then it hits me: Jenny had a necklace like this when she was a kid. Maddy, as Jenny’s best friend, had the other half. I hide the necklace under my dress again. “I’m sorry, Grandma.”

  “Don’t be, dear. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  I give her a hug anyway. Then she says, “I should go check on your sister.”

  Maddy bounds down the steps a minute later. “Do I look all right, Grandma?”

  “You’re very pretty, dear.”

  “Margarita and Anita will be there, won’t they?”

  “I’m not sure, dear. They might not go to the same church.”

  “But they have to. I want to show them my dress.”

  Maddy’s face starts to redden as if she’s about to throw a tantrum. Tess is quick to defuse it; she puts an arm around Maddy. “If they aren’t there, we can go over to visit them later, so long as it’s all right with their mother.”

  “OK.”

  Jake, with a good sense of timing, stays in his study until then. “The prodigal granddaughter returns,” he says.

  “I wasn’t prodigal. It wasn’t even two days.”

  “I’m just teasing.” He makes an exaggerated groan as he scoops Maddy from off the floor. “All right, time for you little heathens to go to church.”

  ***

  The church is built in the colonial New England style, complete with a white steeple. I’ve been inside a few times, most notably for Jake’s wedding. Jake was brought up as a Methodist, but converted for Tess once they got serious. Not that it was that big of a conversion, just a few different rituals to learn.

  As senior members of the congregation, Jake and Tess have seats in the second row. They aren’t explicitly reserved, but everyone knows to leave them vacant. For a while I sat in that row as their adopted daughter; I leaned against the end of the pe
w while I tried not to fall asleep.

  The first time I came here as Stacey Chance, I heard murmurs among the parishioners as they wondered who was this pale, skinny girl with the Madigans. The reverend eventually cleared it up when he announced Jake and Tess had taken me in as foster parents. Though I went to the church for a year, I never did feel like part of the congregation.

  Everything is amplified as we enter the church; I hold Tess’s hand and Jake holds Maddy’s. The whispers are even more insistent and heads turn to catch glimpses of us. Needless to say there aren’t any other Chinese girls in the congregation.

  Not quite as out of place is a Hispanic woman and two little girls. One is a couple years younger but has her hair done just like mine and wears glasses that aren’t as thick. The other girl is closer to Maddy’s age, her hair in pigtails with ribbons that match her yellow dress. Maddy waves to them and they wave back. Maddy tries to pull away from Jake, but he keeps a tight grip on her hand.

  “Can’t we sit with them?” she asks.

  “Not today,” Jake says.

  “But—”

  “You can see them after the service.”

  I worry Maddy will have another tantrum in the church, but she doesn’t. “OK,” she says and then lets Jake steer her to the second row. I take my usual seat with Tess beside me. Maddy is on the far side, next to Jake. That way we can’t get into any mischief.

  As probably the most senior member of the church, Minnie has a seat in the front row. She turns to give us a big grin. “Such adorable children,” she says. “Let’s see, it was Stacey and Morgan?”

  “Madison,” Maddy says.

  “Oh, dear me, I’m sorry. You look very pretty, Madison.”

  “Tank you,” she says in her cute lisp.

  “Stacey looks very cute too.”

  “Thank you,” I say out of obligation.

  “Stacey is a little shy,” Tess says.