Chances Are Omnibus (Gender Swap Fiction)

by P. T. Dilloway

  “I was becoming a man,” I blurt out. “That weight I was gaining, the hair loss, my voice changing—I was turning back into Steve Fischer.”

  “I see. So what happened?”

  “That day we were supposed to see Dr. Palmer, I didn’t want you to see me. I was so disgusting. I was fat and hairy and…I had a penis. So I broke into Dr. Palmer’s apartment to meet her there. I begged her to give me another shot of FY-1978.”

  “And she did?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you became a woman again?”

  “Yes. Not at first, though. I mean I was a girl, but a very little girl. I guess after the shot I became a baby, but when I woke up I was six. I kept getting older a little at a time, until I was about eleven. Then I hit a wall. I wasn’t going to get much older, maybe twelve or so.”

  “But you’re not twelve, are you?”

  “No, I’m eighteen. Another doctor there, she gave me a second shot. She figured it would jumpstart things again. I got a little younger at first, but then I rebounded. I became a teenager and then for the last ten days or so I’ve been like this.” I run a hand through my hair. “The hair and the nose and stuff is because of that.”

  “I see. And you didn’t say anything to me, because—”

  “What was I supposed to tell you? About a month ago I was in diapers. After I woke up I couldn’t even write my name.” I lean forward in my chair to plead with him. “But I never stopped thinking about you. I spent days drawing pictures of us in crayon, marrying Barbie dolls I pretended were us, stuff like that.”

  “You did all of this on your own, without saying anything to me. Then you lied to me about it. Do you understand that’s a serious violation of trust?”

  “I know, but I did it for us! I did it so we can be together.” I finally start to cry. “I don’t want to lose you, Mac. I love you so much. I became a baby again just so I could stay with you. Doesn’t that tell you something?”

  “If we’re going to be together, I need you to be honest with me. About everything. No more keeping secrets from me.”

  “I understand. I promise I won’t keep anything else from you.”

  He holds out his arms so I can finally collapse into them. I can feel his tears on my face too. “I’ve missed you so much,” he says. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” At last we kiss the way I’ve dreamed of for the last month, the way we will on our wedding day.

  Chapter 14

  I wait until the next day to pay Maddy a visit. Mac and I spent the entire afternoon and night together; we hardly ever left each other’s sight. When we fell asleep, Mac kept both arms tight around me; he didn’t let me go until we woke up in the morning. He was awake before I was. “Good morning,” he whispered and then kissed me on the lips. He didn’t want me to go see Maddy, but there’s still a wedding to plan.

  There’s a ‘For Lease’ sign in the window of the store. My key still works, so I can let myself inside. All of the clothes are tossed into boxes that haven’t been sealed yet. The old brass cash register is gone, which is a surprise because the damned thing weighs a ton. I’ve only been gone a month; what the hell happened?

  I creep up the stairs to Maddy and Grace’s apartment. The situation isn’t much better up there. First there’s a rancid smell in the air that makes my eyes water. When I poke my head into the living/dining room I can see why: there are takeout containers everywhere. From the flies that buzz around, there must still be stuff in some of them. In the kitchen I find dirty dishes left in the sink, some coated with mold and others with rust. All of the cupboards are empty, as is the fridge. I don’t even want to see how awful the bathroom is.

  I press my ear against the bedroom door, to listen for any sounds. I can hear someone—Maddy, I’m sure—snoring inside. The television is on too; I hear a talk show audience applaud while participants argue about whose daddy the baby is. I knock on the door; I hope it’s loud enough to wake Maddy. “Maddy? Are you all right? It’s Stacey.”

  I listen for a minute. The snoring stops, but there’s no answer. “Madison, are you awake? Can I come in?”

  “Knock yourself out,” Maddy finally says.

  I open the door and put a hand to my mouth so she won’t hear me gasp. All the weight I’ve lost, Maddy has found—and then some. She lies on the bed, naked except for a pair of underpants, which gives me a good view of how much her body has swollen in the last month. She must have gained at least fifty pounds in my absence. It won’t be long until she’s as big as she was four years ago.

  There are almost as many takeout containers in here than in the main room, a lot of them still on the bed. Maddy reaches into one container to take out a chicken leg. “You hungry?” she asks me.

  “No, I’m fine.”

  “You don’t look fine. Are you on meth or something?”

  “What?”

  “You’re so skinny.”

  “I’ve just been in the hospital.”

  “Oh.” Maddy sets the half-eaten chicken leg on her belly; I guess to save it for later. “My plan kind of backfired. I got fat again, but Grace didn’t stay to take care of me.”

  “Where is she?”

  “Lacey Parente’s place.”

  “Who?”

  “This little bitch she was dating before me. I guess they’re an item again or something.” Maddy pauses to let out a belch that shakes the chicken leg off her gut. “Oh yeah, before she left, she said you’re fired. She’s going to sell the store. I’ll have to leave if anyone ever buys the place. Not that anyone will.”

  I clear off some space next to Maddy so I can sit down and give her a hug. “I’m so sorry, Maddy.”

  “Why should you be sorry? Now you two can fuck around without worrying about me.”

  I let go of Maddy and look down at the floor. “She told you?”

  “Yeah, she told me all about how you two got it on at my dad’s funeral. Real classy.”

  “It wasn’t at the funeral. We went back here.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Maddy, I’m sorry. It was a mistake. A terrible mistake. I was confused and Grace—”

  “I don’t care.” She gropes around to find her fallen piece of chicken. She chomps down on it while I try in vain to think of something I can say to make things better. While she chews, she says, “I thought we were friends, but I guess that was only so you could hang around Grace without it being suspicious.”

  “We are friends,” I say. I take one of her bloated hands. “You’re my best friend.”

  “If that’s how you treat best friends, I don’t want to be your enemy.”

  “Maddy, please, it was just that one night. It never happened again.”

  “That’s not what Grace said. She said you two have been fucking behind my back—and Mac’s back—for the last five years.”

  “She’s lying! She just wanted to hurt you.”

  “Why would she ever want to do that, huh?”

  “She had this crazy idea that if she didn’t marry you, then someday I’d come back to her. When I told her I love Mac, she ran off.”

  “Right into Lacey’s waiting arms.”

  “Maddy—”

  “Can’t you see I’m trying to watch TV?”

  I stand up and glare at her; she doesn’t notice. “So that’s what you’ve been doing all month, gorging on takeout and feeling sorry for yourself?”

  “What else do I have to do?”

  “You can get off your ass and do something about the problem. Go get Grace back from this Lacey person.”

  “Maybe I don’t want her back.”

  “Come on, Maddy, I know you still love Grace. And she still loves you. She just needs another kick in the ass to remember it.”

  Maddy summons the effort to roll over onto her side; her back and swollen rear face me. Instead of more food, she grabs Mrs. Hoppy to cling to. “Go away.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, not until you get your ass out of that bed.”

/>   “Then it’ll be a long wait.”

  “You’ll have to use the bathroom at some point.”

  “I’ll go here.”

  I watch her for a few minutes in the hope she’ll get up. When she doesn’t I decide to try some more motivation. “So that’s it? You’re giving up? You’re just going to quit living? Stay in this shithole until you’re so big they need a crane to pull you out?”

  “Uh-huh,” she mumbles.

  “Then I don’t know you anymore, because the Madison I know wouldn’t just give up. She would keep fighting.”

  “I don’t care anymore.”

  “Maddy, please. It was a mistake and I felt horrible about it. I felt so bad I made Grace go over and apologize. You remember that night at Grandma Tess’s house? The beautiful earrings Grace gave you? I made her give them to you.”

  “So what? That doesn’t prove anything.”

  “Maddy, please. I love you. I love you like my own flesh and blood. You have to believe me. It was just one time and I’m very sorry.”

  She doesn’t say anything; she just lies there with her stuffed toy like an overgrown toddler. To start my penance, I clear the takeout containers from off the bed. I dump them in the kitchen, where I find a box of garbage bags to use.

  I clean up the apartment the rest of the afternoon. I throw out the garbage and walk it down to the curb. I open the windows to let some of the bad smell out and spray about three cans of air freshener to cover up the rest of the stench. I salvage what dishes I can; I clean them and put them in the cupboards. The rest I stuff in the trash.

  By the time I’m done, all Maddy has done is roll onto her back again. She still dozes in front of the television, snoring away. With the windows open it’s warmer in the apartment; I turn on a fan and aim it at her.

  Only then do I turn on my phone and call Tess. I tell her about Grace leaving Maddy and Maddy in need of someone to look after her. “She’s really depressed,” I say. “She won’t listen to me. Maybe her grandma can get through to her.”

  “I’ll try, dear,” Tess says.

  I don’t really want to leave Maddy there alone, but I decide she probably won’t get into much trouble in the hour or so it’ll take Tess to get here. In the meantime I have work to do.

  ***

  There’s only one Lacey Parente in the garment district, so I’m pretty sure I’ve got the right address from Google. It would be easy enough if I were still a man to simply break into the place and drag Grace from it. Now that I’m a foot shorter and over a hundred pounds lighter, I have to be more cunning.

  Lacey Parente’s place is in one of those anonymous brick apartment buildings from early in the 20th Century. It’s the kind where someone is supposed to buzz you in, but that’s easy enough to get around. I just wait for someone to leave and then snatch the door before it closes. Once I’m in, I look enough like someone who would live here that no one notices anything.

  Lacey lives in apartment 3F according to the names on the mailboxes. I tap on the scarred wooden door, just hard enough that someone should be able to hear me. As I wait, I assume a slouch, my eyes down on the floor. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to summon some tears; I just have to think of poor Maddy almost nude on her bed, clutching her toy rabbit.

  I have to tap a couple more times before the door opens a crack. “What do you want?” Grace hisses to confirm I have the right address.

  “I just want to talk,” I say with a sniffle.

  “How’d you know I was here?”

  “Maddy told me.” I look up so she can see me crying. “Won’t you let me in?”

  I’m prepared to stick my foot in the door if Grace refuses, although that would probably break my bony little foot. She finally says, “Yeah, fine. Just for a couple of minutes.”

  “Thanks.”

  She does close the door so she can take off the chain lock. Then she opens it wide enough so I can see her. Like Maddy and I, she’s undergone a few changes in the last month. Her hair is dark purple now, her skin an unnatural white, and her lips and fingernails black. She’s got some new piercings on her eyebrows, nose, and lips, plus several new tattoos on her arms. The black mesh tank top she wears lets me see she doesn’t have a bra on and her black miniskirt doesn’t cover much more than her panties. The combat boots look about like the ones I used to wear with my naughty schoolgirl outfit.

  “You look different,” she says.

  “So do you.”

  She doesn’t try to hug me or anything; she just stands a few inches away from me and crosses her arms. “Maddy tell you what happened?”

  “Yes.”

  Grace nods. After a moment, she motions to a ratty plaid couch. “You wanna sit down or something?”

  “I guess,” I say and sniffle again.

  I wait for her to turn her back and then I shove her. She stumbles over the makeshift coffee table made from cinderblocks and a couple stray pieces of wood. Before she can get up, I kick her in the ribs with the spiky toe of my pumps. When she cries out, I kick her again, this time in the face.

  Blood drips from her black lips as she rolls over to stare up at me. “What the hell? You little psycho—”

  I shut her up with another kick to the midsection. “Why’d you tell Maddy I slept with you after that one night? You just want to hurt her or you actually think that happened, you sick fuck?”

  “I’m the sick fuck?” Grace says. She spits a wad of blood at my feet. “Look at you.”

  “Did you really think that would get us back together? Not that we were really together in the first place.”

  “Oh don’t tell me you didn’t like it. Don’t give me that bullshit about liking men now.”

  “I like one man: Mac. And if you try to ruin that too, I’m going to do a lot more than cut your lip.”

  “Who do you think you are? Some avenging angel? Why don’t you take your bony little ass uptown where it belongs?”

  “Why, so you can keep making yourself and Maddy miserable?”

  “You’re the one making us miserable. Maddy and I were fine until you came along.”

  “I’ve been gone for a month, so why did you break up with her?”

  “Because I love you. You know that.”

  “You love me, huh? That must explain why you fired me and moved into some strange woman’s apartment.”

  “I needed a fresh start, to get out of that whole scene.”

  Mac always talks about human behavior and reading patients from facial expressions, body language, and so on. It’s something I learned too in thirty years on the police force. I look down at Grace in her Goth outfit and makeup and as I remember what Maddy said about this Lacey Parente person, the pieces start to fall into place.

  “You don’t want a fresh start,” I say. “You want to go back in time. That’s why you’re back with your ex and dressed like you’re seventeen. This isn’t about Madison or even me. It’s about you feeling sorry for yourself because you’re getting older and the world is forcing some goddamned responsibility on you.”

  “You should leave the psychoanalysis to your fiancé.”

  “I know this is Freudian of me, but this is about your mom. She was always the flaky hipster type, the type to move into the garment district and open up that little clothes shop. She raised her daughter to be a rebel, a nonconformist.

  “That’s how it was for a while. You had your store and a disciple in Maddy. Now you realize you’re thirty-four and you and Maddy got real jobs now. On top of it all, your last disciple—me—is getting married and going uptown. And when Maddy suggests you get married and maybe even move out of that dump to find somewhere better, where you might raise a family, that scares the shit out of you.

  “So you try to grab on to me like a life preserver. When that doesn’t work, you move on to this Lacey chick. You try to go back in time and recreate things like they were, when no one expected anything out of you, no one wanted you to be a grown-up.”

  “That’s not true,�
� Grace says, albeit weakly. “I love you, Stace. I wanted more than anything to go away with you. It can still happen.”

  “It’s not going to happen. I love Mac. We’re going to get married. I’d still like you at my side. You and Maddy are my best friends. I care about you both. But if you can’t realize what you’re throwing away, then the hell with you. Madison is a great woman; she’ll find someone else eventually. You can stay here and play dress-up for the rest of your life if you want.”

  I turn to go. As I reach for the door, Grace calls out, “Stace, please. Don’t go. I love you!”

  “Think about what I said. The wedding’s in a month.”

  ***

  I get back to the apartment to find Maddy in the tub. It’s like she’s a toddler again with Tess giving her a bath. Except this time there’s no way another person can fit in the tub with her. Tess stops scrubbing Maddy’s wide back to turn to me. “Where have you been, young lady?”

  “Visiting a friend.”

  “Grace?” Maddy asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “Is she OK?”

  “She’s fine,” I say.

  “That’s good,” Maddy says, her voice tiny.

  Tess is perceptive enough to take a hint. She hands the washcloth to Maddy. “You can do the bottom half by yourself. You’re a big girl. I’ll go check on dinner.”

  “OK.”

  There’s nowhere to sit except the toilet, so I put the lid down and face Maddy. “I’m sorry about what happened,” I say. “It really was that one time.”

  “I believe you,” Maddy says. “Grace was just being mean.”

  “Have you ever considered you’re too good for her? I mean for a shrink she’s pretty flaky.”

  “I guess.” Maddy isn’t convinced. It’ll take her a while to get over it. She probably never will. I just hope she doesn’t turn to the bottle like I did. Or in her case she might turn to the refrigerator. “Stace?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you think Dr. Palmer could give me a shot of that stuff Ling gave us?”

  “Why would you want that?”

  “Then I could be little again. I was happier when I was five. I had lots of friends. I never had to worry about getting married or anything. All I had to worry about was doing my homework, brushing my teeth, and having fun. Even though I was fat, I didn’t really care that much because I could always lose the weight. Now I don’t know.”