“You mind if I ask a question?” Maddy says.
“What?”
“Have you and Mac, you know…”
“Fucked?”
“Yeah.”
“No.”
“So you’re still a virgin?”
“If you want to use that definition, then so are you.”
“Touché.”
“It was Mac’s idea. He’s a traditionalist that way.”
“But he has—”
“Of course.” I lean closer to whisper, “Him and Dr. Palmer used to…”
“What? No way.”
“I’m serious. She has a picture in her apartment. They used to be quite the couple.”
“Really? I always thought Palmer was…like me.”
“Apparently not.”
“Guess my gaydar needs some adjusting then.” We laugh as the bartender brings our next round. We clink our glasses together and then drink up.
“So are you nervous?” Maddy asks.
“About the wedding?”
“About the wedding night.”
“Oh, that. A little. I mean, what if I can’t come?”
“Then fake it. Duh.”
“I’m not sure I can.”
“It’s not hard.”
“You’ve faked it?”
“Sure,” Maddy says. “Sometimes Grace would be in the mood and I wasn’t, so I’d fake an orgasm so I could get to sleep.”
“You did not.”
“Swear to God.” Maddy takes a sip of her drink. “That little cunt probably thinks she’s such a great lover too.”
“How do you know she wasn’t faking?”
“All women fake it sometimes.” She pats my hand. “But I’m sure you won’t have to. Mac seems like a virile guy. God, remember when he rescued us off that plane? If I hadn’t been a baby and if I liked guys I would so have been swooning.”
“Me too.” I gulp down the rest of my whiskey. “A few times after that happened—and after we became grown-ups again—I, you know…”
“Jacked off?”
“Can women use that term too?”
Maddy shrugs. “Whatever.” She slaps me on the arm. “I never knew you were such a little slut.”
“Shut up.” It’s weird to admit this stuff to my daughter; she wasn’t old enough to talk about the birds and bees before her mom and I divorced. Now she knows so much more than I do, at least when it comes to women on women. “It’s not like you’ve never done that.”
“Well sure I do, sometimes. Not at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. I mean, if Grandma saw me doing that I’m sure she’d freak.” Maddy starts to giggle and then whispers, “Do you think she ever—?”
“I doubt it.”
“God, it must be dusty down there. I mean, I don’t think her and Grandpa ever do it anymore.”
“Shut up!”
Of course Maddy can’t leave it at that. “I bet when she comes, she says, ‘Oh dear me!’”
“Stop it!”
“Well obviously they got it on at least once. They did have a daughter.”
“I know.”
Maddy shakes her head. “When we were little, we used to talk about our wedding. Not to each other, of course. We’d have our stuffed animals or Barbie dolls get married.”
I think about the recovery room, when I did the same thing as a nine-year-old. “It’s too bad she never got the chance,” I say.
“Yeah, I know. She was a good kid. Kind of like you, except she looked up to me. I was the Messiah to her.”
“You’re exaggerating a little.”
“So what?” Maddy finishes off her cosmopolitan. “Jenny was great. I always thought I’d be the maid of honor at her wedding.”
“To Jenny,” I say and raise my glass.
“To Jenny.” We finish off our drinks. Maddy pushes off her stool. “Come on, let’s dance.”
“I can’t dance to this stuff.”
“It’s not that hard.” She does a few stumbling moves that indicate her tolerance isn’t as high as she thought. “Come on!”
“OK, but if I break a hip, it’s your fault.”
Tess picks us up around midnight in the station wagon. “Did you girls have fun?” she asks, as if we were at a kid’s birthday party.
“Yes, Grandma,” we say in unison and then start to giggle.
***
I don’t get a lot of sleep that night. For one I’m nervous about the wedding. For another, whenever I hear a noise, I think it’s Vollmer about to break in. Since I share a bed with Maddy, the only weapons I have are Pinky and Mrs. Hoppy. Jake keeps a gun in his closet, but that won’t do much good in here.
Maddy doesn’t have any trouble sleeping. As soon as she crashes down on the bed she starts to snore, helped along by the booze. Maybe I should have drunk a little more, except it would catch up to me tomorrow.
After what seems like an eternity, the alarm goes off. Maddy interrupts her snoring with a few snorts before she turns over and goes back to sleep. I shake her shoulder. “Come on, Maddy. It’s the big day!”
She grumbles something under her breath, but doesn’t wake up. I might need a bucket of water to get her out of bed. I shake her again and shout, “Madison, wake up! We got to get ready to go!”
“Whatever,” she says.
“You’re supposed to be the maid of honor. You’re supposed to be getting me out of bed.”
“Whatever.”
I do about the only thing I can do without a bucket of water: I shove her off the bed. She lands on the floor with a heavy thump. “What the hell was that for?”
“It’s time to get up.”
“Jesus, all right,” she says. “I’m up for Christ’s sake.”
“Let’s go, let’s go!” I say with the giddy excitement of a little girl going to her first day of school.
“All right, all right!”
Of course Tess is already up and about. She makes French toast for us today. “Morning, girls,” she says. She gives me a kiss on the cheek. “You’d better go up and get a shower. I’ll have these ready in a few minutes.”
“OK.” I go back upstairs to hop into the shower. I run it extra warm and let the hot water relax my tense muscles. I shower for a lot longer than usual too; I want to be extra clean for today.
When I get out, I lean close to the mirror to study my face as I blow dry my hair. I look like I didn’t get much sleep last night, with bags under my eyes and dark circles around them. I lean even closer. Are those crow’s feet around my eyes? I sigh and shake my head; I’ve got to stop worrying so much.
I dress in a T-shirt and sweatpants before I hurry back downstairs for breakfast. “I thought you were going to be all day,” Maddy says. She shoves the plate of French toast at me. “I left you a couple of pieces.”
“Thanks.”
I’m not very hungry, not this morning. I eat two slices out of politeness to Tess; I hope I won’t throw them up later. Maddy gives me a hug. “I’m taking my shower now. Don’t you go all Runaway Bride on me.”
“I won’t.”
Jake emerges from his study while I sip coffee at the table. He pours himself a cup of it. He looks even worse than I do. “Pull an all-nighter?” I ask.
“Yeah. Fucking Vollmer is doing like we thought.”
“He’s in the city?”
“Found his jumpsuit in a dumpster at a rest stop this morning. Found a dead body too. Some poor naked schmuck.”
“So Vollmer took his clothes.”
“Probably his car too. Once we ID the guy we should have his plate number.”
“Won’t matter. He’ll ditch the car long before that.”
“Yeah. The rest stop was on the south side of the highway, so it’s a good bet he’s coming this way.”
“Just swell,” I say. “If you want to go work on the case—”
“And miss walking my granddaughter down the aisle? Never.”
“Thanks, Grandpa.”
He kisses my forehead. “
You’re welcome, kid.”
***
Maddy and I take our dresses and makeup with us to the church so we don’t ruin them on the way. Reverend Crane lets us have a Sunday school classroom down in the basement. Maddy and I have been down here a couple of times when we briefly went to Sunday school as little kids. I sit on one of the tiny chairs to get ready for my wedding.
“We have some work to do with this face,” Maddy says.
“It’s your fault.”
“You’re supposed to have a little fun on your last night of freedom.”
“I guess I had too much fun.”
“You could have fooled me.”
“Shut up.”
Tess comes down to help us out. She’s already dressed in a lavender dress with a fresh corsage pinned to the left breast. She takes it upon herself to brush out my long hair. “I imagine you’ll want this up for today,” she says.
“Yes, please.” She delicately puts it up into a French twist. Too bad most of the time it will be covered up by my train. “That’s gorgeous.”
“So are you, dear.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t get her too excited,” Maddy says. “We have to do something about these bags under your eyes.”
I try not to put up a fuss as they apply my makeup. When Maddy holds up the mirror, I look a thousand percent better. The bags are virtually gone, as are the dark circles. I look alert and refreshed, ready to begin the rest of my life.
There’s just one last thing to do: put on the dress. Since there are still two hours until the wedding, we decide to hold off on that. I don’t want to risk it might get ruined by a stain or a tear.
Once my hair and makeup are done, Tess helps Maddy with hers. They take some of the redness out of Maddy’s cheeks, though there’s not much they can do about the plumpness of her face or her double chin. I don’t care about that; I’m just glad she’s here to share the moment with me.
Mac, being a traditionalist, doesn’t come down to see me. He does send Jamie and Mary Anne down. They aren’t in their dresses yet either. Both look more rested than Maddy or me. “Wow, you look great,” Jamie says. “Like a real grown-up.”
“Thanks. I think.”
“Although I think your old look was pretty cool too,” she says. “I thought about dyeing my hair red like that, but Daddy would flip out—once he noticed.”
“You don’t have the glasses to go with it anyway,” I say.
Mary Anne sits down in the corner, hands in her lap. She’s still not comfortable being around us. It’s probably not a good idea to put her on display like this so soon after she got out of rehab, but Mac thinks it will give her a good kick in the pants, to help her feel a part of the normal flow of things again. I’m not so sure.
Jamie and I play against each other on our phones at Angry Birds for a while. I haven’t played the game much in a while, so she kicks my butt pretty handily. Still, it’s a good way to pass the time without thinking about the momentousness of the occasion.
T-minus one hour, Tess puts a hand on my shoulder. “I think it’s about that time, dear,” she says. She means it’s time for me to get dressed.
“OK,” I say. I put my phone back into my purse.
We go into another room to change. Maddy and Tess go with me. I don’t mind if they see me naked; they’ve both seen me naked a few times already. I strip all the way down to my bra and panties. Then I start to dress in nylons and a slip.
Tess takes the wedding dress out of its garment bag. I tried it on once at the store to make sure it fit. That was yesterday. I doubt I’ve gained or lost much weight since then.
I slip into the dress. It fits like a dream. Tess zips me up in the back. There’s no mirror in the room, so I have to rely on Maddy and Tess’s assurances that I look good. I feel really good.
The last thing is the veil. It’s mounted on a little silver tiara, which makes me smile. Four years ago, when I first became a little girl, Mac gave me a silver tiara to wear so I could feel more like a girl. I don’t look so silly this time, in large part because there’s no pink boa to go with it.
“So do you have something old and borrowed and blue?” Maddy asks.
“I don’t really care about that stuff,” I say.
“Well here, let me borrow you something old,” Maddy says. She takes off the diamond earrings Grace gave to her five years ago. She drops them into my hand. “You don’t have to wear them. Just hold on to them.”
“No, I want to,” I say. I have on little silver hoops at the moment. I let Maddy take those off and then put the diamond ones in. She puts my earrings in her ears. “What about something blue?”
“Here you go, dear,” Tess says. She takes a blue petal from the flower of her corsage. I slip the petal in my shoe.
“I guess I’m good to go.”
“You sure are,” Maddy says. She gives me a hug. “God, you look so beautiful.”
“Thanks.”
Jamie is just as impressed when she sees me. “That looks so hot!” she says.
Even Mary Anne surprises me with a hug. “I know you’re going to make Bobby very happy,” she whispers in my ear.
“Now, the rest of you should get ready,” Tess says. She stays with me while my bridesmaids go to get in their dresses. Tess pats my hand. “Don’t be nervous.”
“I’m trying not to.”
“Everything will be fine.”
“I know.” I tell myself that for the next hour, until Jake shows up.
He gives me a big smile. “I was wrong,” he says. “You make a beautiful bride.”
“Thanks.”
He holds out his arm for me to take. “Here we go.”
***
Jake and I wait by the church door while the organist plays Pachelbel’s “Canon in D.” I try to take a few deep breaths like before I go out on stage. Jake pats my hand. “You’ll do fine,” he says. “All you got to do is walk up there without falling down.”
“It was a lot easier the last time,” I say. “I wasn’t wearing a skirt. Or heels.”
“Everything you’ve been through, this will be a piece of cake.”
“I hope so.”
Jake peeks around the corner. “OK, kid, it’s time.” Parade marching was never my strong suit at the academy. Pretty much anything that required coordination with a group of other people wasn’t my strong suit. I’ve gotten a little better since I became a woman, though it still feels unnatural as I follow Jake up the aisle. It’s a lot more like the herky-jerky motion of a car being towed out of the mud than gliding.
I keep my eyes on my feet through the first half of it. Once I feel confident I won’t fall on my face in front of a church full of people, I look up—and nearly fall on my face. There’s Mac at the altar in his tuxedo. Since he’s a traditionalist it’s a plain black tux with a black cummerbund.
He smiles a little, more of a smirk really. His groomsmen are beside him in matching tuxes. I never did bother to find out their names. Darren is off to one side with the rings. On the other side, Maddy has the bridesmaids in perfect formation. Even the flower girl is at rigid attention, probably afraid Maddy will destroy her if she misbehaves.
I don’t see a lot of the audience, except for Tess in the front row. There’s an empty seat next to her for Jake. First Jake has to give me away. He stops us in front of the altar. “Who gives this woman away?” Reverend Crane asks.
“My wife and I,” Jake says since my parents are dead. He squeezes my hand before he takes his seat next to Tess. I go up the step to face Mac.
The rest of the ceremony pretty much goes by the book. Reverend Crane reads that old verse from Corinthians about love and lectures us about how important it is and so forth. Darren steps forward with the rings at the reverend’s bidding. Mac slips the ring back on my finger and says the whole, “With this ring” speech. I do the same for him, just like we practiced at the rehearsal.
Unlike at the rehearsal, the reverend says, “Stacey has prepar
ed a song she would like to sing on this occasion.”
The organist begins to play. The melody sounds a lot different on a church organ than it does on my guitar. The soft, delicate notes on the guitar sound a lot harsher and more ominous with the organ.
I don’t have a microphone and I’ve still got the veil over my face. That doesn’t matter. As long as Mac can hear me, it’ll be fine. I take a deep breath and then start to sing. My voice at least hasn’t changed much after all that FY-1978 I took.
I used to be so unwise
I didn’t want to see
You opened up my eyes
And taught me to be me
It’s hard for me to go on after that because I start to cry. Even if the words aren’t poetic, it’s how I feel about Mac. When I came to his office the first time, I was struggling to figure out who I was. I still felt I was a man in a woman’s body. Mac helped me see I could still retain the good things about Steve while being Stacey. And in the process, we fell in love.
I manage to get through the entire song. There’s some scattered applause even though we’re in church. Reverend Crane waits a moment before he says, “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
I probably look a bit of a mess from all that crying when Mac lifts up my veil. That doesn’t stop him from kissing me the way I imagined in the recovery room, when I could only act out this moment with dolls. Now it happens for real and it’s even better than I imagined.
***
It takes an hour for us to get over to the Radisson for our reception and wedding night. First we have to take a bunch of pictures, some with the whole wedding party and some with just Mac and I. We even take one with his mother. She gives me a tentative hug. “Welcome to the family, dear,” she says. “You’re a Macintosh now.”
“Thank you.”
I have Tess and Jake pose for a picture with us too. And one with Maddy so our whole little family is represented. “You did a wonderful job with that song,” Tess says. “It was beautiful.”
“Thanks.”
“How does it feel, Mrs. Dr. Macintosh?” Maddy asks.
Chances Are Omnibus (Gender Swap Fiction) Page 73