So You Call Yourself a Man

by Carl Weber

  “Are you waiting for me, Brother Williams?” My thoughts were interrupted by Bishop Wilson as he walked into the office.

  “Yes, sir, Bishop. I was hoping we could talk.”

  “Sure. Let me get out of this robe and I’ll be right with you.” I turned around and watched him put down his briefcase, take off his robe, and sit down at his desk. I detected a note of sadness, but he was still holding his head up high as usual. The bishop carried himself with the regal air of a king, and I felt both humbled and ashamed to be in his presence.

  “So, how’s Alison? I saw her at the hospital last night, but I really didn’t get to speak with her.” He sat back in his chair and rocked a few times as he listened.

  “She’s doing fine, Bishop. She’s busy as heck, though, between working, going to see the first lady, teaching Sunday school and trying to take care of me. I don’t know how she does it.”

  “Yeah, these church women are something else.” The bishop smiled. “I remember about a year ago, when Charlene was a little stronger, she had about thirty different hats. Lord, what I would do to have those days again.”

  “So, how is the first lady doing, Bishop?”

  “Oh, she’s doing about as well as can be expected.” A sad look crossed his face. “I’m hoping to get her home from the hospital soon, but she’s still rather weak.”

  “Yes, Alison told me. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”

  “You and Alison have done more that your fair share. Tell Alison I appreciate how she comes to the hospital every day and sits with Charlene. She’s in a lot of pain, but you know what a trooper my wife is.”

  I nodded my head. “She certainly is, Bishop. I believe she can beat this thing.”

  “That, son, is entirely up to the Lord.” He bowed his salt-and-pepper head in my direction. “Now, Brent, what brings you here? A handsome newlywed like yourself shouldn’t have a problem in the world.” He gave me this piercing look, his distinguished voice sounding like a cross between James Earl Jones and Barry White.

  I scratched my head. “I wish that was true, Bishop. Heck, I don’t even know where to start.”

  “Well, let’s start with you. How’s your relationship with God?”

  I lowered my head. “I wanna say my relationship with God is good, but I can’t.”

  The Bishop stroked his beard. “Why’s that?”

  “Well, to be honest”—I paused as I thought about the consequences of my words—“there’s someone else in my life other than my wife.”

  The Bishop sat up in his chair, and it was obvious he was a little stunned. He gave me a solemn look before he spoke. “Are you having an affair, Brother Williams?”

  “I don’t think I would call it an affair, Bishop, but I’m afraid it could go down that road. That’s why I’m here.”

  “What exactly do you mean by going down that road? Have you slept with this person?”

  “No! No, I’ve been celibate since I got saved…that is, until Alison and I got married.” I felt a twinge of conscience when I remembered the one lapse in our vow of celibacy, the week before our wedding, but we were now man and wife, and it wasn’t the problem at hand, so there was no need to confess this to the bishop. “No, it’s just that this person brings out something in me that no one else can. It’s hard for me to explain, but any time this person is around, I have thoughts of lust.”

  “Well, during every marriage, people are faced with lust and temptation, but you’ve got to get past this. Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Obviously you’ve known this woman since before you got married. Why didn’t you pursue her instead of Alison?”

  “I did—until I found out that Ja—umm, I mean, the person I was pursuing is married too.”

  “I see. Well, that definitely wouldn’t have worked.” He cleared his throat before speaking. “Well, Brent, you know, I’m tempted by women every day in the congregation. I just make sure I don’t allow myself to get into a compromising position. I don’t even counsel female members by myself. Has she put you in any compromising position?”

  “Yes. Every time we see each other.” I put my head down in my hands. I saw a vision of the passionate kiss the night before my wedding, Jackie’s hand reaching across my lap on the way home from the airport. Last but not least, I visualized what I’d seen under Jackie’s gown. Good God! “Bishop, if you could have seen what was going on two Sundays ago right here in the church, you might have passed out.”

  “In my church?” I could tell by the look he gave me that he was disappointed, and from that point on, I could no longer look him in the eyes. “Is this a member of my congregation we’re talking about?”

  I nodded my head glumly.

  “Who is it?”

  “I’d rather not say. But what I will say is that it’s a prominent member of the church who’s married to another prominent member of the church. And both should remain nameless.”

  The Bishop’s voice sounded stern. “Tread lightly, young fella. Something like this could ruin more than your marriage. You don’t know these church folks like I do. They’re not all Christians like they portray themselves to be.”

  “That’s another reason why I’m here.” I looked up with miserable eyes, then shifted in my seat. There was nothing I could say.

  “Do you love Alison?”

  I gazed up at him. “Yes, sir, I do.”

  “Do you want your marriage to work?”

  “Yes, Bishop, with all my heart.”

  “Well, the Bible speaks of temptation and lust. We have to learn to yield not to temptation and we have to keep our thoughts off lust. The desire leads to the action sometimes. In Matthew 5:28, you know Jesus said to look at a woman with lust in your heart is the same as to commit fornication or adultery.”

  I nodded, feeling guilty. How many times had I seen Jackie’s green eyes float in my mind just before I exploded inside of Alison? So although technically I hadn’t committed adultery, in my heart I knew I had.

  The bishop was quiet for a while. “Let’s go to the scriptures and get the Biblical view on the matter of adultery.”

  I turned my empty palms upward. “I didn’t bring my Bible.”

  “I have an extra Bible here.”

  The Bishop handed me the Bible from his bookcase. For the next thirty minutes, we went over different scriptures and he had me read them out loud. But one stuck in my head.

  “Exodus 20:14.”

  “You must not commit adultery.”

  “Do you know what the scripture, IF YOUR RIGHT HAND OFFEND THEE, THEN CUT IT OFF, means?”

  “No.”

  “Well, it means, get rid of any person or practice that causes you to sin. Sin cuts off God’s blessings to you.”

  Finally, the Bishop got down to his counseling business. “So don’t put yourself in any compromising situations with this woman, and work on building your relationship with your wife.”

  “I will.”

  “Are you and Alison giving each other the marital due?” The Bishop gave me a grave look. I felt embarrassed to talk about what went on in our bedroom with him, but I nodded. “I know this sounds nosy, but you’d be surprised at the number of young couples who are not sleeping with each other then wondering why affairs slip into their relationship. So, how often are you and Alison intimate?”

  “Not enough for me, but we’re going to do something about that. After all, we are newlyweds.”

  “Well, good. Keep doing that. Don’t let temptation come between you.” The bishop took a deep breath.

  “I’m sure you’re a man of integrity, Brent. I watched all the women in the church run after you, but you kept your head. I watched you have a Christian courtship with Alison after you were saved, and I know you will do the right thing.”

  I stood up and shook his hand. “Maybe you’re right, Bishop. Everything will work out. I’ll be careful.”

  “Young man, just pray whenever the devil tries t
o overpower you.”

  Although I sounded firm and resolved, inside I felt as shaky as Jell-O. I understood what the scriptures said, but that didn’t stop me from thinking about Jackie. I knew I needed to be strong. I had to stop fantasizing about Jackie when I was in bed with Alison. I would have to say “freeze” whenever my body thought about Jackie. My mind knew it wasn’t right. If I could just get my body to agree with what my mind thought.

  Straightening my shoulders, I made a new resolution. I made up my mind that no matter what Jackie threw at me, I was passing. No, my marriage wasn’t going to end before it even got started.

  23

  James

  It was a little after four in the morning when I pulled into my driveway with my headlights turned off, praying to God that Cathy was asleep. There wasn’t a light on in the house as I eased around to the back door, so I was feeling pretty safe. I quietly let myself in, then slipped off my shoes in the kitchen. From there, I tiptoed up the stairs like a cat burglar, making sure not to make one stair creak. When I reached the top, I stubbed my toe on one of the kids’ toys and went into mini-convulsions to keep from hollering. I was in so much pain, tears were coming out of my eyes, but I never made a sound. When I got the pain under control, I crept into my bedroom.

  I couldn’t make out more than the outline of her body, but it looked like Cathy was asleep on her side of the bed with her back to me. Now it was just a matter of getting into the bed without waking her up. One leg at a time, I slowly climbed in, trying not to make a sound. As I eased the covers around my neck, I sighed thankfully. God had answered my prayers, and now all I had to do was slide my pants off and go to sleep for the three hours before my alarm clock went off.

  But there wasn’t going to be any sleep for me tonight, because out of nowhere, there was movement from Cathy’s side of the bed, and without warning, her end table light came on. The bulb’s brightness stabbed at my eyes like a thousand pins, making me pull the covers completely over my face to protect them. When my eyes finally adjusted to the light, I was staring at Cathy’s aggravated face. I hadn’t seen her look like this since she tried to kick me out a few years back. Her face was flushed and her eyes were red, like she’d been crying for hours. There was no doubt in my mind that she knew I’d been gone, which meant I was in trouble. I clutched the covers up around my chin, trying to hide the fact that I was still dressed.

  “Where the hell you been?”

  “I didn’t—” Cathy didn’t even let me finish my lie before she reached down and snatched the covers off me.

  She glanced at my clothes. “Now, I asked you a question. Where have you been?”

  “Huh?” I was thinking about telling her I went for a walk.

  “Don’t huh me, James Robinson! You ain’t hard of hearing. I said, where the hell have you been? I’ve been blowing up your phone ever since I heard your car pull out the driveway five hours ago.”

  Let me rephrase what I was thinking before. I wasn’t in trouble; I was in big trouble, because there’s no such thing as a five-hour walk, especially since she heard me taking the car.

  “Ah…ah…well…” What I was trying to do was get my lie together, to think it through so it would sound legit, but under this kind of pressure it was hard. The longer I waited to answer, the more heated Cathy seemed to get. Then a lightbulb went off in my head. Sonny. I’d blame it all on Sonny. Cathy would believe that since Sonny was always getting himself into trouble. But after seven years of marriage, she was on to that one before I even got the words out of my mouth.

  “And don’t even try that ‘I was with Sonny’ crap, ’cause I called him. He said you were on your way home four hours ago, and I don’t even believe he was with you then. I’m surprised he didn’t try to warn you that I called. Anyway, it don’t take four hours to come from his house. It only takes fifteen minutes. So where the fuck were you?”

  Sonny probably did try to warn me, but I’d left my phone in the car to charge while I was babysitting Marcus. Stupid me, I never even checked to see if I had any calls. Well, there was always Brent. Now that he was married, Cathy would never call his house this late.

  “Oh, and I called Brent too. He and Alison were at home in bed like married people are supposed to be, so don’t even go there either.”

  “I wasn’t gonna say that.”

  “Then what were you going to say?”

  I stared at her dumbfounded for a few seconds because I was just plain stuck. I knew I had to tell her something. I just didn’t have any idea what it was. When I didn’t answer her question fast enough, her eyes began to fill up with tears. She shook her head like I’d already given her an answer and it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. Slowly, tears fell from her eyes, until her face was covered with salty streams.

  “Who is she?” she sobbed.

  “Huh?”

  Her voice became more serious and she was gritting her teeth. “Who is she?”

  I’d never felt so trapped before in my entire life. I loved this woman more than I loved myself, and I wanted to tell her the truth, but sometimes the truth is more painful than the lie. I looked at Cathy and I could see the pain I’d caused her spread across her face. I knew I had to do something, but the only thing I could think of was to play dumb.

  “What are you talkin’ about?”

  “What am I talking about? Don’t you play stupid with me, James Robinson. I wanna know who she is. And please don’t tell me it’s someone I know.” I tried to put on a confused expression, like I didn’t have a clue, but that only set her off. She reached down and grabbed the clock radio, throwing it at me. I batted it away with my arm, but if I was a second slower, it would have broken my nose.

  “Hey, what’s wrong with you? Stop it!” I yelled as she grabbed a coffee cup and flung it across the room. This time I ducked, and the cup ricocheted off the wall, hitting me in the back of the neck.

  “I’m not stopping shit until you tell me the truth. Who the fuck is she?”

  She reached for the lamp, and I grabbed her arm, throwing her on the bed. “I said, stop it! I’m not messing with anybody!”

  “You’re a liar,” she cried, then began swinging her hands at me like a maniac. “I know you’re cheating on me, James.”

  Before I could deny it, she hit me in the head, and God only knows where I found the control not to hit her back. “No, baby, I swear I’m not.”

  She hit me again and I held her arms, pinning her to the bed.

  “Damn it, Cathy, stop it! I swear to God I’m not doing anything.” She was struggling to get free.

  “If you’re not doing anything, why you sneaking out in the middle of the night?” She continued to struggle. “You don’t think I noticed you’ve been gone all the time? You’ve got more excuses to be out this house than you do to be in it. If there’s somebody else, just tell me! Just tell me so I can move on with my life.”

  “Cathy, I swear to God I’m not cheating on you.”

  There was a quick knock on the door, then light from the hallway flooded the room as my oldest son, James Jr., pushed open the door. I was praying that Cathy wouldn’t continue her wild tirade with our son in the room.

  “Mom, you okay?” he murmured, sounding scared and confused. I immediately let go of her wrists, as I watched my son staring at her tear-drenched face. “Mom, you okay?” he repeated. I was surprised when Cathy didn’t answer him.

  “She’s fine, Jay-Jay. Go back to bed, son,” I said firmly.

  He ignored my command, walking closer to our bed with a raised voice like he was a grown man. “I was talking to Mommy.” His voice softened. “You okay, Mom? Why you crying?” For the first time since he was born, my son challenged my authority. It was like taking a shotgun blast through the chest, because at that moment, I could feel my son’s hatred, and I couldn’t blame anyone but myself.

  “Get off of her!” he shouted.

  That was it. Whether I was to blame or not, I was not going to be disrespected by my eigh
t-year-old child. I was about to get up and slap the taste out of his mouth. He knew I didn’t play that shit. At that point, Cathy took over as only a mother could, putting aside her anger at me to protect my relationship with my son.

  “It’s all right, Jay-Jay. Mommy’s fine. Daddy and I were just playing. Now go to your room like Daddy said.”

  My son glanced at me with disdain as he wrapped his arms around his mother’s neck, whispering, “Okay, but if you need me, I’m in my bedroom.”

  I watched him walk out of the room like he didn’t have a fear in the world, and the only thing that came to mind was that he was just like me.

  “Get off of me,” Cathy snapped as soon as he was gone. I let her up from the bed.

  “Do you know what he asked me yesterday?” Tears welled in her eyes again.

  “No.” I closed my eyes, awaiting her response.

  “He asked me, ‘Are you and Daddy getting a divorce?’” Cathy stopped talking for a second as her voice cracked. She swallowed back her tears and continued. “He’s old enough to remember what it was like when we had problems before. He adores you, James, but he knows something’s wrong. You didn’t even go to their games on Saturday. You never missed a game before.”

  I felt like shit. “I’ll go talk to him.” I stepped off the bed and she grabbed my arm.

  “I think you need to talk to me before you talk to him.”

  She gave me that look again. I didn’t want to go through what we just went through before, so I pleaded a little more humbly. “Baby, I ain’t been with nobody. You gotta trust me.”

  “Trust you? Why should I?”

  “Okay, I didn’t want to tell you this, but…”

  Cathy sat up, looking at me with those big, innocent doe eyes. “Tell me what?”

  “You really wanna know where I’ve been?”

  “Yes.” She nodded slowly. “I wanna know.”