So You Call Yourself a Man

by Carl Weber

  “What? Oh, my Lord. I can’t get caught doing this with you.”

  Jackie looked as upset as I felt. Neither of us could make eye contact as we hurriedly pulled on our clothes, smoothed our hair and tried to relax our faces into casual expressions. It was too late to rush Jackie out the door before Alison came in, so we forced some small talk to make Alison think we’d just had a pleasant dinner, enjoying the food from The Rib Shack that she’d so thoughtfully ordered for me. The feelings of guilt and panic that came over me were something I never wanted to experience again. Now that I’d come so close to making love to Jackie, though, I could only hope that the memory of this close call would be enough to stop me the next time the temptation presented itself.

  25

  James

  I was dozing on the living room couch when I heard Michelle slide her key into the lock. I sat up quickly and checked the television to see what was on. It was a boring documentary on endangered sea turtles, but Michelle was already opening the door, so I pretended to be all engrossed in watching these stupid turtles laying their eggs in the sand. I hated nature shows, so in a million years I never would have purposely chosen to watch this show. Tonight, though, I was on a mission. It didn’t really matter what I was watching, as long as it bought me a little extra time at Michelle’s place to carry out my plan.

  Once again, she had called me to watch Marcus while she went to work. Her babysitter took off more days from work than the cast of The Sopranos. But I was happy to say yes this time, because I’d finally gotten what I needed to go through with my plot. I was going to get Michelle out of my life for good before things got any more complicated than they already were. Fortunately, Cathy still believed the lie about my new night job, so I was able to get out of the house fairly easily. I even left home a little early, telling her that I had to stop by Sonny’s for a few minutes to give him some advice on women before I went to work. That part wasn’t a lie, either. I did have to see Sonny, but not because he needed someone to talk to about his woman problems. In truth, he was holding the main ingredient I needed to execute my plan. Now it was in a box hidden beneath the couch I was sitting on in Michelle’s living room.

  “Hey, James,” Michelle said, yawning loudly as she placed her keys on the table by the door.

  I didn’t turn my eyes away from the television as I grunted “Hello.” Michelle was obviously annoyed by this. She marched in front of the TV, blocking my view.

  “Excuse me,” she said as she crossed her arms over her chest and frowned at me. “The least you could do is look at me when I walk in the room. Shoot, I know you might not like our situation, James, but I am the mother of your son. You could at least pretend to treat me with some respect.”

  I tried not to cringe as Michelle reminded me for the hundredth time that she was the mother of my child. I made the biggest mistake of my life when I stepped outside my marriage to mess with Michelle, and every time she said those words, I was forced to remember one more time just how stupid I’d been.

  “Oh, sorry,” I said, finally turning to look at her and trying hard to sound sincere. “I was just so into this show. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful. How was work?”

  “It was aw’ight.” Michelle turned her back and noticed the show I claimed to be so interested in. “What the hell are you watching, anyway? Since when do you watch nature shows?”

  “I got two—I mean three boys. They’re always askin’ questions about animals. I’m just trying to keep current,” I explained to her. “Besides, I happen to like documentaries. Have you ever heard of these turtles? They lay their eggs in the sand, but not many of the babies survive.” I pointed to the television screen, where some newly hatched turtles were running for their lives, trying to make it to the water before they were eaten by seagulls. My eyes were riveted to the screen as I tried to convince Michelle just how fascinated I was.

  She rolled her eyes and went to hang up her coat. “Anyway, I’m home now, so you can go back to your precious wife.”

  “Actually, if you don’t mind, I think I am going to stay and watch the end of this. Maybe they’ll show an address where I can send a donation to help the endangered turtles.” As soon as I said the words, I knew it was a mistake.

  “Yeah, you can make a donation, all right, but it ain’t to no turtles fund. You can donate to the care and feeding of your son. How about that? I’m sick of working all these damn hours, comin’ home tired, just to spend all my money on kids’ shit,” she snapped. My stomach twisted, because what I wanted to do was remind her just how much I’d already saved her in babysitting alone. But I held my tongue. I had to keep the peace long enough to get her in the bed so I could go through with my plan.

  “Okay,” I said with a chuckle, “you’re right. These little turtles will have to fend for themselves, ’cause I got a child to take care of. I’m gonna hit you off with some extra money as soon as I get my income tax back, all right?”

  “You better believe you’re gonna gimme something extra. I think it’s time for a little increase on my weekly money anyway,” she shot back. “That two-hundred-dollar-a-week shit ain’t getting me nowhere.”

  I won’t be giving you an increase if everything goes the way I plan, I thought. I was even more eager now to get this over with.

  “Yeah, I know that. But let’s not fight about it now, okay? You look really tired, and I wanna get back to this show. Why don’t you go to sleep, and I’ll just let myself out when it’s over, okay?” My eyes were back on the TV screen, and I was praying she was too exhausted to continue nagging me. I almost smiled when I heard her yawn again.

  “Whatever, James. Just make sure you lock the door when you go out. Oh, and Keisha won’t be here Friday, so you might as well make plans to watch him then too.” She didn’t even wait for a response before she headed down the hallway to her bedroom.

  I heaved a sigh of relief that I’d gotten at least this far, but I knew I still had a long night ahead of me. I would have to wait a while to do anything, because I had to be sure she was sound asleep before I made a move. I couldn’t even change the channel from this damn animal show because if she came back in and I was watching something else, she’d know I was full of shit and kick my ass out. I sat back and watched the marine scientists trying to decide how to save the baby turtles, forcing myself to stay awake.

  By the time the show was over, only a handful of babies had made it to the water, but I was too nervous to care. It was time to do what I’d come to do. I hit the mute button and listened intently. A smile came across my face when I heard Michelle snoring down the hall. She was in a deep sleep, and I was ready to make my move.

  I bent down and reached under the couch to retrieve the small box Sonny had given me. When I took off the cover and removed the contents, my hands shook a little. I’d gone over the steps in my mind a million times, but now that it was actually time to go into her bedroom and do it, I was getting scared. What if the outcome wasn’t what I wanted? But it was too late to turn back. I was already in a living hell dealing with Michelle and lying to Cathy, so things couldn’t possibly get any worse.

  I got up from the couch and tiptoed toward Michelle’s bedroom, walking slowly to avoid creaking floorboards. From the sound of her snores, though, she wasn’t going to wake up even if a marching band came down the hall right now. As I passed Marcus’s room, I peeked in. He looked so cute and peaceful in his bed, I almost felt a little guilty. But that didn’t last long. As soon as I thought of Cathy and the boys, I straightened up, gathered my nerve, and headed to Michelle’s bedroom.

  She was in the bed, her snores still echoing through the room. I held my breath as I crept across the room and stood beside her bed. Michelle still hadn’t moved, and her mouth was hanging open so wide I could practically see her tonsils. She was out cold, and I knew it was time. I looked down to the swab in my hand and removed the protective covering. The GeneSwab DNA test had come in the mail to Sonny’s house after I ordered it online. Th
e company sent the supplies for free, and if I was successful tonight, I would get a sample of cheek cells from Michelle and send it off with $545. Within seven days, I would have the results. Of course, I was hoping they came back negative and that I wasn’t Marcus’s father. Sure, he was a cute kid, but I had a beautiful family at home that I was afraid I might lose when I ran out of lies and had to tell Cathy the truth. If things worked out the way I was hoping, I would find out he wasn’t mine, tell Michelle to go screw herself, and never have to tell my wife a thing. Right now I wasn’t ready to deal with the other possibility.

  I bent over the bed, careful not to lean against it as I held the swab close to Michelle’s mouth. The slightest movement might disturb her sleep, and I knew that if she caught me, I would blow my one chance at getting a DNA test from her. Besides, I didn’t even want to think about what Michelle might do if she found out I still had doubts about being Marcus’s father. I almost had a heart attack during the last episode when she called my wife, attempting to air my dirty secret. I didn’t need Michelle losing her mind and talking to Cathy now.

  As gently as I could, I placed the swab inside Michelle’s mouth, willing my hand to stay steady. I touched the side of her cheek lightly, and she twitched a little. My heart took off on a race at that point, and I felt my body temperature rise at least twenty degrees. Somehow, I managed to calm myself and spin the swab slowly on the inside of her mouth to collect the cells. The package directions said to turn it for fifteen seconds, and it felt like an eternity as I counted the seconds silently, watching Michelle for any signs that she was waking up. I felt my heartbeat slow a little as I neared the end of my count.

  Twelve…thirteen…four—

  Michelle’s eyes cracked open a bit, and my hands flew behind my back to hide the swab.

  “What the hell are you doing in here?” she asked groggily as she struggled to sit up in the bed.

  “Oh, my God,” I said, trying not to reveal just how scared I was at that moment. “I am so sorry I woke you up. I was just—”

  “You were just what, James?” she demanded to know, now fully awake and her attitude raging.

  “I just came back to check on Marcus before I left, and I don’t know what happened, Michelle,” I said, praying this lie would work. “I knew you were in here asleep, and something just made me want to come in here and give you a kiss good-night.”

  Her eyes narrowed for a second, like she was trying to process what I’d just told her, trying to decide if she believed me. I held my breath in that moment until she finally said, “Oh, okay,” as if it was the most normal thing in the world for me to be coming into her bedroom for a kiss in the middle of the night.

  Her eyelids fluttered a bit, and she got this look on her face that I guess at one time I might have found seductive. She was obviously waiting for me to give her a kiss now. I knew I had to oblige. Holding tightly to the swab still behind my back, I leaned in and put one hand on her shoulder. As I pressed my lips to hers for what I thought would be a quick peck, she placed her hands on my shoulders and pulled me a little closer, pressing our mouths together more firmly. Just like I had been doing before she woke up, I started counting. I figured four or five seconds of this would be enough to convince her that this was a real kiss. As I counted, I prayed she didn’t open up her mouth and try to stick her tongue in mine. After a few seconds, I leaned back, separating from her embrace.

  “Well, um…” I looked at her, unsure of how I would get out of the room without her seeing the swab.

  A look of disappointment crossed her face, but she covered it up quickly with that hard attitude. “Well, um…” She mocked me. “I knew you was too much of a punk to actually go through with it.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, squirming a little, trying to inch my way to the door now.

  “Oh, please, James. You think I don’t know what’s going on here?”

  Oh, shit. Was she about to bust me? Maybe she’d really been awake the whole time.

  “What are you talking about, Michelle?” I asked, thinking I could stall her by playing dumb. Shoot, at this point, I was contemplating just running out of the bedroom with her cheek swab, grabbing the one I’d collected from Marcus before I brushed his teeth at bedtime, and bolting out the front door.

  She sucked her teeth. “You think I don’t know you’ve been wanting to get some from me ever since you started coming back around to watch Marcus?” My eyes widened as she continued. “I know your wife don’t put it on you like I used to, and you know you still want it. You just don’t have the balls to get with a real woman like me.”

  I just stood there with my mouth slightly open. I didn’t know how to respond to this.

  “That’s okay, you don’t have to try to deny it. I know what you’re all about, James, and I know it’s only a matter of time before you break down and come get some of this. Let yourself out and lock the damn door. I know you’ll be in here again soon enough,” she said with a smug smile, before she laid down and turned her back to me.

  My feet wouldn’t move for a second, I was so shocked that I was about to get away with my plan. “Okay then, good night,” I mumbled as I backed toward the doorway. Once in the hallway, I put the plastic cover back over the swab to protect the precious DNA sample that just might put an end to my misery. I rushed to the living room, grabbed my keys along with the box that still contained Marcus’s sample, and left the apartment without a backward glance.

  In my car, I sat in the darkness and waited for my heart rate to return to something close to normal. Then I did a fifteen-second swab in my own mouth. I added the sample to the two that I’d collected in Michelle’s apartment, closed the box, and shoved it under the seat. I couldn’t wait to get to the post office as soon as it opened in the morning.

  26

  Brent

  The sun was just starting to come up when the phone rang. I rolled over toward the nightstand and reluctantly picked it up. I had a pretty good idea who was calling, because the only person who knew I was at the Marriott hotel in San Francisco was Alison. I traveled to San Francisco about once a month on business. I loved the rolling hills and the Greenwich Village–style nightlife. This was the third day of a three-day trip, and I was positive Alison was starting to miss me. She was probably just calling to say good morning before she went to work.

  “Hello?” I mumbled groggily into the receiver.

  “Good morning, sweetheart. I didn’t wake you, did I?” I glanced at the clock radio the hotel provided. I wasn’t a morning person at all.

  “No, I always wake up at sunrise,” I said sarcastically.

  Alison knew I hated to be awakened out of a deep slumber. I had only one rule when I was sleeping: If we don’t have somewhere to be in the next hour or you’re not ovulating and wanting to have sex, don’t be waking me up before seven o’clock in the morning.

  “Oh, my Lord, I forgot the time difference again, didn’t I?”

  “Yep,” I said as I stretched, repositioning myself in the bed. “It’s okay, though. I was kind of half-awake anyway.”

  “I’m sorry, baby, it’s just that I’ve got some good news. No, I’ve got some great news.”

  “Don’t tell me…. You just switched our car insurance to Geico.” We both laughed.

  “No, silly. I took a home pregnancy test this morning.” My heart rate doubled as I sat up in the bed. Was this woman about to say what I thought she was about to say? Was she about to make my day in a way no woman had ever done before?

  “And…what did it say?” I held my breath in anticipation of her reply, but it felt like an eternity before she spoke again.

  “Brent, honey…you’re going to be a daddy.”

  “Yeeessss!” I shouted, pumping my fist in the air.

  I felt like I was on a rocket ship headed straight for the moon. Alison’s words were like the sweetest love song I’d ever heard. I just closed my eyes and let that song play over and over again in my head. Thank you, Lord, for
answering our prayers.

  “I’m going to be a daddy? Are you sure?” I didn’t doubt her, but I needed reassurance. I’d heard of plenty of women reading home pregnancy tests wrong before.

  “Yes, honey, I’m sure. The indicator had a big pink plus sign, but I’m going to see my doctor on Thursday when you get back. Would you like to go with me?”

  “Alison, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I was starting to get choked up. This was definitely one of the most emotional moments of my life. “Alison?” I whispered, then waited for a response.

  “Yes.”

  “Sweetheart, I just wanted to say thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me, Brent. You’re my husband. I’m just doing what any woman would do for the man she loves. I’m giving you a child, hopefully a little boy.”

  Suddenly I remembered why I married her, and I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. “I don’t care what it is. I just want our baby to be healthy.”

  “Amen to that,” Alison replied. Then her voice got soft. “Brent, I love you.”

  “I love you too, Alison.”

  “Good, now you go back to sleep for a while. I just wanted you to know the good news. I’ll call you later.”

  We said our good-byes and I hung up the phone. Alison didn’t have a clue, but she’d just changed everything. “I’m going to be a dad,” I said softly, my voice still full of pride as an arm reached across me and gently turned me back toward the center of the bed. “I’m going to be a dad.”

  “I heard,” Jackie whispered, kissing me full on the lips. “I guess congratulations are in order? Why don’t we celebrate by finishing what we’d started before the phone rang?”

  Jackie parted my lips with a passionate French kiss, then insistently pulled me back on top of that magnificent body. We made love for the better part of an hour, but it was obvious I wasn’t as into it as I had been the night before. The entire time, my conscience was killing me.