So You Call Yourself a Man

by Carl Weber

  Both kids jumped up from the kitchen table when they saw me. “Hey, Uncle Sonny,” they said in unison. I kissed each of them on their foreheads and they went back to their homework.

  “You got one of those for me?” Tiffany asked.

  “I got something better.” I walked over and wrapped my arms around my woman, kissing her tenderly. “I missed you, Tif. How was your day?”

  “I missed you too. My day was interesting. I’ve got something important to talk to you about after the kids go to bed, but it can wait.”

  “Are you sure? Because we can talk about it now if you like.”

  “It can wait.” She dipped a spoon in a pot and brought it to my mouth for me to taste.

  “Mmm, now that’s good. When are we gonna eat?”

  Tiffany smiled. “In about ten minutes.”

  “Sounds good. I’m going downstairs to my office to mess around with my computers for a few minutes. Call me when dinner is ready.”

  I went to the basement and turned on the laptop, which I’d gone back to buy from my cousin Lowjack, then entered my password and clicked on my video webcam recorder, also courtesy of my cousin’s “business.” Tiffany didn’t know it, but I had installed hidden cameras throughout the house right before she moved in. I know it’s a little extreme, but when you got a woman as good looking as mine, you can’t take any chances with the mailman or UPS drivers like James. Working at UPS these past few months, I’d heard too many stories about the affairs between the drivers and the housewives they deliver packages to. Besides, if I’d done this when I was with Jessica, I’d probably still have my other family.

  I pushed PLAY and watched Tiffany going through her daily routine. I watched in fast-forward as she cleaned the house for the better part of the morning, then talked on the phone for a while. I was going to have to listen to the phone tapes later, but it was probably just the usual bragging she did with her girlfriends about what a good man she got and how she loved staying home. Everything I saw on the tape looked completely normal until around one o’clock, when she had a visitor.

  “What the fuck?” I shut down my computer and ran up the stairs. As I passed through the living room, I shouted, “Tiffany, get the fuck upstairs, now!” then ran up another flight of stairs into our bedroom.

  Tiffany rushed in, and I commanded, “Close the goddamn door.”

  She did as she was told, looking bewildered. “What’s the matter?”

  I closed the gap between us, and when she was close enough, I reared my hand back and smacked the shit out of her. She fell on the bed, holding her face. Tears immediately welled up in her eyes.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why’d you hit me?”

  I raised my hand again, this time swinging even harder. She screamed in pain. “You had that motherfucker in my house?”

  “What are you talking about?” she asked, holding her cheek, where a bruise was forming.

  “You think I’m stupid? You think I don’t know what you’ve been doing? This is my house. The neighbors tell me everything that goes on around here.” I gestured like I was going to slap her again, and she scampered across the bed.

  “Sonny, what are you talking about?” I slapped her again, just for thinking I was so damn stupid.

  “Kareem! You had Kareem in my house, our house.”

  It was clear from the panic in her eyes that she knew what I was talking about now. “Oh, my God, Sonny, I was gonna tell you about that.”

  “When? When were you going to tell me?” I had my arm in the air, ready to slap her ass again.

  “After the kids went to bed. Remember, we were supposed to talk?” She was now on the other side of the bed, curled up on the floor.

  “I talked to you eight times today, and you didn’t tell me a damn thing about Kareem coming over here. Why didn’t you tell me before I got home? And how the hell did he even know where we live?” She was shaking now, cowering in fear, but I didn’t care. I jumped on the bed, then onto the floor in front of her. “I asked you a question.”

  “I…I told him.”

  “You did what?” I swung at her again, catching part of her arm and face. “Did you fuck him? Did you fuck his ass?”

  “No! No, I didn’t do anything like that,” Tiffany insisted. “He told me he was going to bring me some money for the kids.”

  “Well, where’s the money?” I demanded.

  “He didn’t give me any. He was lying, just like he lied and told me he didn’t plant those roaches in my apartment. I’m sorry, Sonny. I should have listened to you.”

  I shoved her. “Sorry ain’t good enough. That’s why we have rules around here, remember?” I walked toward the door, then looked back. “Don’t come out this fucking room until we’re finished eating.” I slammed the door behind me. Something told me she was telling the truth, she hadn’t slept with Kareem, but I had to go back and look at the entire recording to be sure. I was also going to have to get that software installed at my job so I could watch her ass all day while I was at work.

  The kids and I were sitting in front of the TV playing video games later when Tiffany left the bedroom and came downstairs. They had heard us thumping around upstairs, but during dinner I managed to convince them that Tiffany had just tripped over something. Tony looked a little uneasy with my explanation, but when he said he was going to check on her, I told him she was sleeping and he shouldn’t disturb her. As soon as I challenged him to a battle on his favorite video game, he seemed to forget all about her anyway.

  When Tiffany came into the room, I handed the remote control to Tony, then stood up and approached her. “I left a plate in the microwave. You hungry?” I tried to guide her toward the kitchen, but she flinched when I reached for her. She had a few red marks on her face, but it didn’t look like anything serious.

  “I’m sorry about your face, but I’m not gonna apologize for anything I said or did. You were wrong.” She looked at me, but obviously she wasn’t seeing my point of view about this situation. I took a deep breath and explained, “Now, you’ve got three choices. Number one, you can go in there and call the police to have me locked up. I won’t stop you, but I’ll probably lose my job and this house, and you and the kids won’t have anywhere to stay.”

  She didn’t move toward the kitchen or the phone, so I guess she wanted to hear her other choices. “Number two, you can pack your shit and leave. I don’t know where you’re gonna go without a job and with two kids, but again, I won’t stop you.”

  She didn’t move toward the bedroom, so I continued, giving her the final option. “Number three, you can accept that what I did earlier wasn’t meant to hurt you, but rather done out of love and a sense of family. You broke the rules, Tiffany, and no family can exist without rules, so you have to accept the consequences. Now, what you wanna do?”

  I waited with arms folded for her answer. She stood quietly for a few seconds, her eyes glistening with tears. Finally, without speaking, she went over to the couch and sat next to her kids, pulling them both close against her. That was the answer I was hoping for.

  35

  Brent

  Ten minutes earlier, I had been the happiest man on earth. My friend and secret lover had shown up at my door after being MIA for almost a month. We’d started back right where we left off, and our passion brought us to my living room sofa, where Jackie proceeded to give me the best oral sex of my life. Unfortunately, when it was over, I opened my eyes to my worst possible nightmare. My pregnant wife Alison was standing behind Jackie, staring at us in bewilderment, and then she went into a holy dance as streams of tears rolled down her face.

  “Oh, Jesus, Lord,” she screamed, grabbing her chest as if she was about to have a heart attack. I immediately tried to get up to attempt an explanation, but my legs were still feeling the effects of Jackie’s oral pleasure, and I couldn’t get off the sofa. “Lord, please just take me right now! Please, Lord, take me! I wanna be with my mama because I done married the devil.”


  When my legs no longer felt like jelly, I pushed Jackie to one side and stood, calling Alison’s name. The response was almost demonic. Alison’s once-cute face was now twisted evilly in anger and grief. Cautiously, I took two steps toward her, but stopped when she jerked her arms repeatedly to keep me at bay.

  “Don’t touch me, you heathenous bastard. Dear Lord, how could you let me be pregnant by him?” She broke down in long, horrifying sobs, then started to slam her hands violently against her stomach.

  I screamed. “Alison, please! You’re going to hurt the baby. It’s not what you think! It’s not what you think.”

  Alison froze, glaring at Jackie, then stared wide-eyed at me like I had two heads. “I don’t have to think anything, Brent. I have two eyes and I can see! And what I saw was a man sucking my husband’s dick!”

  I’d been sleeping with Jackie off and on for the better part of two months, but I’d never once thought of it as being as repulsive as I did when I heard Alison say those words. Yes, it’s true, Jackie was a man, named after the famous baseball player. Jackie Robinson Moss was a church organist, father, husband to a popular church trustee, and yes, he was my lover. I bet you actually thought Jackie was a woman, but not once did I ever refer to him as anything more than my lover.

  “And I was sucking it well too, wasn’t I, Brent?”

  Both Alison and I turned toward Jackie, shooting him evil darts with our eyes. I couldn’t believe he’d just said that, and I was afraid he might say more and make things worse.

  “Jackie, please…”

  He cut me off. “No, Brent. The cat’s out the bag now. It’s time to come clean, baby. Come on, tell her how you really feel.”

  “Jackie,” I said, “shut up.”

  “I’m just trying to help.”

  “Goddammit, Jackie, will you shut the hell up?” I cursed through clenched teeth.

  “You know, I’ve heard about men like you,” Alison said tearfully “What do they call it? ‘On the down-low.’ But I never thought I’d marry one. And you, Jackie…” She eyed him with distaste. “You are so nasty. Wipe your mouth.” Jackie rubbed his chin as Alison continued. “I don’t even wanna think about what Trustee Moss is going to do to you.”

  Jackie got defensive. “I’ve left my wife. And Brent’s going to leave you too, aren’t you, baby?”

  What did Jackie say that for? The spell was broken. The next thing I knew, Alison raised her fists, let out a war whoop, and charged at Jackie. She would have beat him to death if I hadn’t jumped in between the two of them.

  As I held her back, Alison swung and clawed like a deranged animal. “I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you, nasty dick-sucking fucker! You did this to him,” she bellowed. I swear, her voice sounded like the demon in The Exorcist. My once soft-spoken, proper wife looked possessed, her eyes were so wild. I’d never known this side of Alison. Then again, she’d never known this side of me either.

  “Alison, calm down before you hurt the baby.”

  “This baby would be better off dead than with you as a father. How could you, Brent?” She was still struggling to release herself from my grasp. “I can’t believe this. The entire time I’m trying to run off all those women eyeing you in the church, you sleeping with a man.”

  Suddenly, Alison stopped pacing and began to bite, claw, and kick at me. I tried to pin her flailing arms to her side, but it was as if she had the strength of two men. The truth be known, I was afraid of her myself. I managed to hold her, though, until finally, some of the fight went out of her. At last, she stopped swinging. She was out of breath and her hair was standing up on her head. My face was stinging from her scratches.

  “Alison, please. We can work this out.”

  “Work it out, my ass. I’m not working anything out with you.” She pulled away from me. “You two heathens deserve each other. I’m outta here.” With dignity, she threw her head back and stomped out of the house, slamming the door with a resounding thud.

  Dealing with my new status as a homosexual had me spinning. Was I gay or was this just a gay episode? How could I tell my boys, Sonny and James? Should I come out of the closet to the world or did I want my wife back? And, if Alison would take me back, could I stay straight? I didn’t know if I was upset because I’d gotten busted or if I was truly upset that Alison was gone. She was the first woman who I’d ever felt comfortable with in all my adult life. Ever since I could remember, I’d sublimated the feelings I had for men, yet those feelings had been there. Waiting…insidious as a detonator, waiting to explode…and Jackie had seen in me what he knew was in him. Is that what had made him come after me?

  But even before Jackie, those feelings for men had been there, keeping me the oldest virgin in our group, and they had been there, keeping me from having a serious relationship with a woman—until Alison. I’d tried to escape those feelings through the church, through celibacy, and then, look what happened! When I’d acted on those urges, they had destroyed my life.

  36

  Sonny

  For two hours, I’d been waiting outside for this bitch he had in his apartment to leave. I was starting to think she was a little more than a booty call and was going to spend the night. Usually she left around eleven so he could get ready for work. It was quarter-past now, so either they were just finishing up the second round or he had called in sick. I picked up my cell phone and dialed his job.

  “Home for the Aging,” a female voice answered.

  “Hi, is Kareem there? This is his brother, Jihad.”

  “Kareem won’t be in until midnight.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  Just as I hung up the phone, a cab pulled up and the bitch walked out the door. How Kareem could choose to mess with her instead of Tiffany, I didn’t understand. She looked like a hooker. Then again, she did work in a strip club, so she was probably doing tricks.

  I waited about five minutes, until the street was clear, then got out of the car and headed for the door, wearing all black and carrying a baseball bat. I’d broken all the streetlights with rocks three days earlier, so aside from small lights on some of the houses, the block was dark. I put on my ski mask and knelt behind a bush beside the front door, waiting for the door to open. Twenty minutes later, Kareem walked out. I stepped out from behind the bush.

  “Who the fuck are you?” he said boldly.

  “I’m your worst fucking nightmare.” I swung the bat and heard his arm break with a loud crack. He lost his footing, and I pushed him back into the house. I hit him again along his back and ribs, and he fell to the floor. He must’ve thought I was trying to rob him because he kept telling me he didn’t have any money.

  “I don’t want your money, muthafucka.” The bat landed against his legs.

  “Aaahhh! Then what do you want?” He grimaced in pain and I wanted to laugh.

  “You really don’t know what this is about, do you? It’s about your wife. Or should I say, my fiancée?” I pulled the mask off my face, and shock registered in his eyes.

  “What the fuck do you want, Sonny?”

  “I got everything I want, Kareem. I’ve got your family.” I swung the bat again. This time I could hear his ribs crack. I wondered if I should go over to the stereo and turn the music up to avoid alerting the neighbors. “The question is, what do I need?” I kicked him in the ribs. “C’mon! Ask me what I need.”

  “Ooohhh…what…do you…need?”

  “I need you dead. I need you out of the way. Tiffany thinks she needs you giving her money to help out, but she don’t know what’s good for her. I know what’s good for her. So, with you being dead, she’ll come to realize that I’m the only family she and the kids have. Her mama’s dead, her daddy’s dead, she doesn’t have siblings, and soon her ex-husband will be dead.”

  “Man, you crazy!”

  I tilted my head, giving his statement some thought. “You really think I’m crazy? Now, that’s interesting. Here I am thinking I was just highly devoted to my woman.”

  “Man,
don’t kill me,” he said, gasping for air. “You can…have her. I never really…liked that bitch anyway. Come on, man. There ain’t…no reason…to kill me…not over no woman.”

  I had to chuckle. “That’s where you’re wrong. The only time a man should kill is over a woman. Then again, I guess you’ve never been in love before.”

  “Man, you’re crazy!”

  “I thought we already established that. I’m not crazy. Maybe a little obsessive, but not crazy.” I hit him again. “One last question before you go, Kareem. I always wanted to ask somebody who was about to die: Where do you think you’re going? Heaven or hell?” He looked at me silently, though his eyes were still pleading for mercy. “You look like you need a little more time to think about this. Too bad your time is up.” I lifted the bat and swung it at his head. When I was through, there was no doubt in my mind that he was dead.

  I had no remorse. I did it for love.

  A few minutes later, I picked up the phone at the house, still wearing my gloves, and called Kareem’s job.

  “Home for the Aging,” a female voice answered.

  “Hey, this is Kareem.” I lowered my voice a few tones, trying to imitate his voice as closely as possible. It wasn’t close enough, though, I soon learned.

  “Hey, Kareem,” the woman said, flirting. “You don’t sound quite like yourself.”

  “Yeah, I’m a little down and out,” I said quickly. “My grand-mama down South just passed away.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Me too. Look, can you tell them I’m not gonna be able to come in for a couple of weeks? I gotta go down there to get everything straight. She left me everything, ya know.”

  “For real?” Her voice perked up at the mention of an inheritance. “Maybe I need to go down there with you.”

  “Yeah, maybe you should,” I said. I didn’t know if she was serious, but I had to play along just in case Kareem had been sleeping with this girl or something. I couldn’t risk saying the wrong thing and raising her suspicions. “After I get my business straight, I’ll give you a call.”