Heaven Sent the Wrong One

by VJ Dunraven

  Afternoon Tea in the Cub’s Den

  "Please have a seat, gentlemen." Diana gestured at the child-sized pink chairs from across the matching pink table laden with all the accompaniments for a drawing room tea.

  "Are you sure your chairs are sturdy enough?" Jeremy picked up one and examined it.

  Richard sat on the other without hesitation and gave Jeremy a speaking look.

  Jeremy shrugged and set the chair back down next to Richard, lowering himself very carefully on the seat.

  "Tea?" Diana asked.

  "Sure, poppet." Richard smiled.

  "Oh—we forgot our hats!" Diana rose from her chair and skipped towards a rack brimming with all sorts of feminine adornments.

  She returned a moment later wearing a pink hat decorated with clusters of flowers, ribbons and lace, and clutching a pile of colorful frilly items.

  "Here's your favorite hat, Papa." She handed Richard an enormous yellow hat with ostrich feathers, then, she turned to Jeremy and said, "Here’s a bonnet for you, Uncle Jeremy." She offered him a bonnet trimmed in ecru lace and then, looped a bright pink feather boa around his neck.

  "I don't think so." Jeremy pushed the bonnet away and began to unwind the boa from his throat.

  Richard nudged his boot from beneath the table and shook his head.

  "Oh, alright!" Jeremy plopped the bonnet on his head and a beaming Diana tied the satin ribbon under his chin.

  "You look as pretty as a duchess, Uncle Jeremy!" Diana straightened the bonnet to better frame his face.

  "Thank you—I think." Jeremy snorted, and then guffawed as he turned to see Richard wearing the big yellow feather hat fashionably angled on his head.

  "You look pretty too, Papa." Diana kissed Richard on the cheek.

  "Splendid—I positively feel like a dowager." Richard chuckled and tapped his daughter's nose.

  Diana poured tea for both men, then sat on a chair marked 'Princess' on the opposite side of the small table.

  "Well? What did you find out?" Jeremy leaned forward. "Let's hear it—I'm all agog."

  Diana clasped her hands in front of her. In a solemn voice, she said, "Uncle Allayne has a lady love."

  "I knew it!" Richard exclaimed, snapping his thumb and forefinger.

  "But it doesn't make any sense." Jeremy picked up his cup of tea. "Why is he acting like the world is at an end?"

  "His lady love broke up with him," Diana said.

  "What do you mean—she broke up with Allayne?" Richard uttered aloud. "I've yet to meet a lady who would thwart a man as handsome and wealthy as our friend. He's one of the most eligible bachelors in England!"

  "Did you get the lady's name?" Jeremy asked.

  "Of course, Uncle," Diana replied. "Her name is Anna."

  Jeremy and Richard glanced at each other.

  "Doesn't ring a bell to me." Richard shook his head.

  "Me either. Did you get her family name?" Jeremy brought the cup to his lips and took a sip.

  "Banana," Diana stated smugly.

  Jeremy spit the tea back into his cup. "Christ! What did you put in this tea?"

  "I mixed Papa's brown and white watercolors with hot water," Diana beamed.

  Jeremy made a gagging sound and rushed to the washbasin.

  "Wait a minute, poppet—" Richard said, "are you saying that Allayne's lady love is someone named Miss Anna Banana?"

  "Anna Banana!" Jeremy yelled from the washstand. "What utter balderdash! I don't believe it—I want my money back."

  "Please review your contract, my lord Uncle Jeremy," Diana said in a diplomatic tone much like her father's. "Diana Radcliffe Investigations does not offer any refunds."

  "Hah! How convenient." Jeremy sneered, tipping the pitcher of water to rinse his mouth again.

  "Are you certain your Uncle Allayne was not jesting with you?" Richard gave his daughter a doubtful look.

  "Absolutely positive, Papa. Uncle Allayne said he's in love with her, but she didn't want to be with him," Diana said as Jeremy returned to join them.

  "Good God—I never thought I would see the day when our old friend would lose his head over some chit," Richard said.

  "Bonbons, Uncle Jeremy?" Diana pushed a plate of delectable-looking chocolate confections towards him.

  "So you can poison me again? What did you make them out of, this time?" Jeremy regarded the sweets with suspicion and glared at her. "Oil, paint, and mud? No—thank you."

  "Actually," Diana said as she pulled the plate back towards her, "Aunt Cassie sent them this morning. They're really, really—really good." She selected one and took a bite, chewing it with a dreamy sigh.

  Jeremy salivated and stared at the bonbons. "In that case—let me have some—" He reached over for the plate.

  Diana tugged it away from his reach. "That would be two shillings for each."

  "Two shillings!" Jeremy yelled.

  "My free offer has expired." Diana picked up another one and popped it into her mouth. "Oh, that is soooo good."

  "Those bonbons came from Waterford Park," Jeremy snapped. "I paid for them and they're mine!"

  "Uncle Jeremy." Diana regarded him the same way a mother would regard an insolent child. "Don't you read the Constitution? The bonbons have crossed the border from Waterford Park over to Grandstone Park, so they're now the edible citizens of Grandstone."

  "Eh?" Jeremy gaped at her.

  Richard smothered a laugh.

  "Give me that!" Jeremy tried to snatch the plate away, but Diana moved it off the table beyond his reach.

  "Alright, children," Richard intervened with a chuckle. "Can we get back to the more important subject at hand?"

  "I still don't believe that Anna Banana rubbish," Jeremy said.

  "I agree," Richard replied. "The chit's name may be correct, but I doubt if the surname is real."

  "Uncle Allayne seemed serious when he told me." Diana bit into another bonbon.

  "Your Uncle Allayne is out of his mind at the moment," Jeremy said.

  "Where do you suppose he met this Anna Banana?" Richard rubbed his chin.

  "I have no idea," Jeremy said, pausing in contemplation.

  "When did Uncle Allayne start acting like a barbarian?" Diana asked between munches.

  "Poppet, please don’t talk with your mouth full," Richard chided.

  "Hmm. Come to think of it, it started when he returned from Bath." Jeremy shifted in his chair.

  "Do you think that's where he met her?" Richard asked.

  "It's a bit far-fetched." Jeremy shrugged. "The house party he went to had no guests his age, except for my cousin."

  "Your cousin?" Richard swiveled to face him.

  "Yes—Alex," Jeremy replied, then, seeing Richard's bewildered expression he added, "Alexandra Davenport—the Earl of Weston's daughter. Our dearly departed mothers were sisters."

  "I've never heard you mention her before." Richard tilted his head to one side.

  "Yes—well—we lost touch after Mama died," Jeremy said, remembering the difficult years that followed after his mother's passing.

  He was but a boy of twelve when he lost his mother to some mysterious illness that left her confined in her bedchamber for months on end. Jeremy recalled how she used to take him everywhere with her, visiting friends and her sister in Oxfordshire who had a four-year-old daughter named Alex. He loved visiting his aunt and cousin, however, upon his mother's death, those happy times ceased. His father had cut off relations with them due to a family quarrel rumored to pertain to his conduct towards his wife, which resulted in his father's estrangement from his wife's sister and her husband, the Earl of Weston.

  And then, not a year after his mother's demise, he found a letter that had been crumpled and partly burned in the hearth in his father's study, stating that his aunt had succumbed to complications from a flu. The letter had been addressed to Jeremy and post-marked for delivery two weeks earlier. His lousy bastard of a father never even bothered to inform him—and by the time he discovered the let
ter, his aunt had already been interred.

  "Are you saying that you knew all along about the match Allayne's mother had concocted in Bath?" Richard's eyes widened.

  Jeremy shook himself out of the bitter memories. "To some extent, yes—but I swear—it wasn't my idea. Three months ago, Cassie's father asked me to accompany him in Oxfordshire to purchase a thoroughbred from his friend. It turned out to be Weston's stables. Apparently, Viscount Rose and the Earl of Weston went to Oxford together and were old friends."

  "What a coincidence!" Richard chuckled.

  "Precisely. The earl treated us to a splendid luncheon and the two old timers began to reminisce about their younger days. After a few more glasses of wine, the Earl began to fret about Alex and her clever schemes to repel her suitors."

  "Which I'm sure the Viscount echoed by griping about Allayne's refusal to get leg-shackled," Richard said.

  Jeremy laughed. "You should have seen their faces—you could practically hear the wheels turning in their graying heads. Of course, Alex chose that very moment to walk in. Gads—she'd grown to be a strikingly beautiful woman. Viscount Rose was grinning from ear to ear, completely convinced that she would be the one who would finally capture his son. The next thing I knew, the Viscountess had organized the encounter in Bath within a few days of our return, obviously tickled to her toes by Viscount Rose's good news."

  "Interesting." Richard leaned back in the tiny chair. "So what could have gone wrong?"

  "I don't know." Jeremy shook his head. "But I think Miss Anna Banana had something to do with it."

  "Then we must find out who this lady is," Richard sighed.

  Jeremy nodded. "And uncover the secret of what she is to Allayne."

  "Excuse me." A small voice interrupted. "I wonder what Uncle Allayne will do if he knew about what Uncle Jeremy just said?"

  "Don't you dare tell him I knew about the Bath plot!" Jeremy pointed his forefinger at Diana's nose.

  "Of course I won't, Uncle Jeremy," she said cheerfully, "but it's going to cost you."

  "What? Why you—"

  "A sovereign each—and my lips are sealed." She pinched her lips together in demonstration.

  "You're making me pay too?" Her papa said.

  "Papa." She bestowed her father with that admonishing motherly look. "Didn't you teach me that business is business?"

  "Yes, but—"

  "Here's mine!" Jeremy slapped a coin on the table.

  "Thank you, Uncle Jeremy! Papa?" She tilted her head exactly the same way as her father.

  Richard searched his pockets. "I don't have any coins with me, poppet."

  Diana pulled the drawer under her table, retrieving a wrinkled paper and a pencil. "Please sign here." She pushed the document towards her papa.

  Richard frowned at the messy handwriting on the paper. "Poppet, it says here that you are charging me one hundred percent interest—daily."

  "Papa, you said so yourself—I must recover my overhead expenses."

  "A loan shark!" Jeremy roared. "Where did you learn these things? You're as shrewd as a barrister. Are you sure you're not adopted?"

  "Aunt Cassie showed me your ledgers," Diana replied. "And Edward taught me how to do your calculations."

  "My ledgers! Oh, this is just famous. My own family is corrupt!" Jeremy scowled. "What are you doing gallivanting about Waterford Park with Edward anyways? Aren't you supposed to be in the schoolroom? Where's your governess?"

  "Er—Miss Biddle turned in her resignation a fortnight ago." Richard signed the paper and handed it back to his daughter.

  "Again?" Jeremy exclaimed. "How many governesses had she gone through now? Nine?"

  "Twelve," Richard replied with a look of mild reproach to his daughter.

  "They bore me, Papa," Diana said, rounding the table to go to him. "Miss Dewey wasn't at all proficient in Math and Miss Kimbal only liked to read fairy tales instead of Science and History. Miss Turling couldn't even recite all the kings of England in order and Miss Biddle failed to identify the insects and plants in the garden. Please don’t hire any more governesses, Papa. I just end up teaching all of them—and I don’t even get paid."

  "I know, poppet." Richard stroked his daughter's curly blond hair. "Maybe we can have Joshua's tutors include you in their lessons instead."

  "I would like that!" Diana laid her head on his shoulder. "I wish I can be the future duke. Can I be the duke, Papa? I'm the smarter sibling, you know."

  "I thought you read the Constitution?" Jeremy interjected sardonically. "Girls can't inherit titles and entailed property."

  "But not for long," Diana replied. "When I'm old enough, I'll petition for equal rights."

  "I'm sure you will, poppet." Richard said dotingly. "But for now, your Uncle Jeremy is right. By the by—your brother is a brilliant boy. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from calling him, His Duke-dumb."

  "But Papa—"

  "No more arguments, poppet." Richard waved a forefinger in front of his daughter's face.

  "God help us," Jeremy said. "Now she'll be saving her debates for the lords of Parliament. We are all doomed to be in contempt of the Crown. Our properties will be seized and we will all be penniless, starving, and toothless. Remind me not to associate with your family in ten years."

  "That will be impossible, Uncle Jeremy." Diana crossed her arms on her chest.

  "And why is that?" Jeremy arched a dark brow. "Will Thy Smartiness enlighten me?"

  "Because, Uncle Jeremy—" Diana reached out and cradled his face in her little hands beneath the brim of the lace bonnet, and looked into his eyes. "I'll be your daughter-in-law when I grow up."

  "Oh, dear Lord," Richard uttered, plastering his hand over his eyes as he shook his head.

  Jeremy stared at her. "My daughter in ... wait a minute—you want to marry my son?"

  "Why doesn't anyone believe me?" Diana stomped back to her chair and pouted.

  "Let me get this straight—" Jeremy said, "are you in love with Edward?"

  "Don't be ridiculous, Uncle." Diana flicked him a sideways glower. "Why would I be in love with Edward?" She crossed her eyes and made a face to better illustrate her disgust.

  "Um—ah—because he's smarter than you are?" Jeremy needled with a grin.

  Diana rolled her eyes and snorted aloud.

  "Please don't let your mother hear you doing that," Richard said with a sigh.

  "I give up," Jeremy said, "if you are not in love with Edward—why the deuce do you want to marry him?"

  Diana lifted her chin. "I think Edward will make a good slave."

  "A good sla—" Jeremy turned an incredulous frown at Richard. "Your daughter scares me."

  "Me, too." Richard massaged his forehead.

  The nursery door opened and a blonde head followed by a red head peeked in. "Diana?" Desiree, the golden-haired Duchess of Grandstone called.

  "What's going on here?" Cassie, the Marchioness of Waterford took a single step into the room and burst into laughter when she saw what both men were wearing.

  Jeremy muttered a silent curse and wrestled with the bonnet and feather boa around his neck, tossing both adornments on the nearby chaise.

  A ruddy-faced young footman rushed into the room. "I'm sorry Lady Diana, but I could not stop them."

  "That's alright, Benny," Diana said.

  "Who the hell are you?" Richard pointed at the lad wearing the unfamiliar livery with the letters 'DRI' and an illustration of a magnifying glass embroidered on one breast pocket.

  "Papa, please don’t frighten my assistant," Diana replied before Benny could stammer a word.

  "Your assistant?" Richard threw his yellow tea hat on the settee next to him and turned to the quivering lad. "Young man, go back to your duties in the house or I will have Gordon fire you. My daughter does not need an assistant."

  "You can't fire him, Papa," Diana said. "He's not under your employ."

  "What—"

  "Her patroness pays for him." Richard's wife,
Desiree, placed a placating hand on her husband's shoulder.

  "And you knew about this all along?" Richard drew his brows together at her, before turning his piercing blue gaze at his daughter. "Is your mother your patroness?"

  "That information is confidential," Diana replied with the cherubic charm of a guileless child, but her eyes flitted towards her Aunt Cassie.

  Richard cast a mildly reprehensive, but otherwise fond gaze at his childhood friend, Jeremy's wife, Cassie, who bit her lip and looked as innocent as his daughter—if he didn't know any better.

  "Don't look at me—" Jeremy raised both hands as Richard transferred his reproving glare at him. "I had nothing to do with it."

  "Benny? Will you please show the gentlemen out?" Diana said to the flustered footman, before turning to the new arrivals. "Ladies, your appointment is next. Please have a seat."

  "What appointment?" Richard asked.

  "We asked Diana to find out what is troubling Allayne," Desiree said.

  "You owe me a sovereign, Mama," Diana said.

  "No need," Jeremy waved his hand before Desiree could fish out a coin from her reticule. "We already paid her for the information."

  "Only for some of it." Diana gave him a deceivingly sweet smile. "But not all of it."

  "Not all of—oh, you sneaky little devil!" Jeremy could only shake his head and laugh in exasperation.

  Diana took both men by the hand, leading them to where Benny stood holding the door wide open. "Thank you for using Diana Radcliffe Investigations, gentlemen." She practically pushed them into the corridor, then, Benny promptly closed the door on their faces and turned the lock.

  Diana marched back to where the ladies sat on the same pink seats vacated by the gentlemen. "You got the money?" She asked as she lowered herself on her chair across the pink table from them.

  "You got the information?" Her mother produced a gleaming gold sovereign.

  "Yes." She snatched the coin from her mother's fingers. "But first—" she looked over her right and left shoulder as if to make certain that no one was listening, "—tea, anyone?"

  Less than ten minutes later, after her mother emptied her guts in the washbasin while her Aunt Cassie congratulated her on how real the tea looked—she gave both ladies exactly the same information she'd divulged to her Papa and Uncle Jeremy.