Remnants (A Golden Beach Novel)

by Kim Loraine

  Jeans pulled over his hips, he stepped back until he was against the counter. “Please tell me you’re on birth control.”

  She took her lower lip between her teeth, unable to meet his gaze. “I had no reason to be.”

  “Fuck!”

  The thought of him getting her pregnant again made her stomach churn.

  “What are we going to do?” she asked.

  His expression went stony. “You should already have the answer to that. You had no problems deciding without me the last time I knocked you up.”

  That was a low blow. Harsh and unnecessary. And they were here again. Fighting over old wounds. “What else was I supposed to do? You would have wanted to marry me out of obligation. We had our whole lives ahead of us. I couldn’t trap you in a marriage at eighteen.”

  “You think I would have asked you to marry me if I wasn’t one-hundred-percent sure you were the only one for me? I wanted a life with you, a family. But you left me broken and bleeding without another word. I had a ring. I was ready. But when I found out what you did . . . without talking to me. I couldn’t breathe.”

  The hurt in his words echoed her own. He had no right to lay the blame on her for the horrible things he’d said. But things were different now. “For the record, you never asked me to marry you. You left me long before I left you. But this time, I’m not going anywhere. If I end up pregnant, I’ll let you know.” She hopped down from the counter and pulled her skirt back in place, hoping he hadn’t missed the anger in her voice. Striding down the hall and through her living room, she turned when she reached the front door. “You know what, thanks for the trip down memory lane. You’re good at walking away. Get out.”

  He didn’t argue. Carson Sullivan shoved his hands in his pockets and left her. Again.

  Chapter 13

  Sully tossed a tennis ball across the beach and watched Zeus lumber along after it. The old dog wasn’t as fast as he used to be, but Sully would never tell him that. As the dog came trotting back toward him, happily toting the green ball, Sully grinned and let himself relax for the first time in days. He hadn’t seen Sloan since Saturday morning nearly two weeks ago when he’d run from the rejection he was sure she’d dole out. He’d composed text after text, but deleted them all. There was no way he could handle her telling him she didn’t want what he could give her. Tossing the ball again, he forced Sloan from his mind. He had enough to focus on without her.

  “Sullivan! Hey, man. How you been doing?” Donovan’s wide smile and easy posture lifted Sully’s mood almost immediately.

  The younger man walked toward him, his hand cradling the head of his four-month-old son from his place in the baby carrier Donovan wore.

  “Hey, Miller. Long time.”

  Sully offered his friend a hand shake and a one-armed hug.

  “How’s your mom? You haven’t been at the station much. And you never take leave.”

  Uncomfortable, Sully shifted from foot to foot. “She’s not too good, man. Had to check her in at a memory care place.” The thought of his mom’s face when she’d come back to herself and saw where she was made a gnawing ache take hold in his chest. “I’ve been working with some other crews. I’ll be back on B-shift on Thursday.”

  “What about Sloan?”

  Sully shook his head. No. He wasn’t going to talk about her. “There’s nothing going on with her.”

  “You sure? I’ve been known to orchestrate a grand gesture or two. I can show you how to grovel.”

  When the little redheaded baby whimpered and stirred, Donovan began bouncing lightly as he shushed him.

  “Nah, you’ve got your hands full.”

  Donovan pressed a soft kiss to the baby’s fuzzy head.

  “Where’s Valerie today?” Sully asked.

  “She’s at work. Teacher, remember? They work weekdays. So, it’s just the little guy and me today. Right, Connor?” He glanced down at his son whose whimpers had turned to full-on fussing.

  Donovan started walking at a slow pace as Connor’s cries got louder, giving Sully no choice but to follow if he wanted to continue the conversation.

  “So,” his friend started. “You’re really not going to tell me what’s got you acting like this?”

  Sully stopped, frowned, and started walking again. “Like what?”

  “Like me a year ago. Like Michael, like Alex, like all of us when shit got to be too much to handle on our own.”

  Hands in his pockets, Sully glanced across the beach, realizing as his fingers found the dog leash he hadn’t seen Zeus in too long. “Where the fuck is that dog?” he muttered under his breath.

  Donovan scoffed and shook his head. “Fine, have it your way, but I expect you to reach out to us—your brothers—when the shit hits the fan. Preferably before.”

  How could he confide any of his issues to Donovan? Michael was the only one who knew about the arson investigation going internal and Sully had been instructed to keep it that way. He needed to put space between himself and his friends until that was cleared up, So, for now that meant he’d be taking on OT at the station and working with A-shift and C-shift way more than usual. And he’d be bearing the brunt of his stress alone.

  His eyes raked the length of sand and surf searching for Zeus as he ignored Donovan’s pointed glare.

  “I’m fine. Right now I need to find my damn dog.”

  Connor’s complaints rose to full-blown wails as he squirmed in the confines of the baby carrier strapped to his father’s chest. “Damn, he’s hungry. I’ve got to bail, man. I’m sorry. I’m sure Zeus is around the corner. He probably found himself a girl.”

  Sully chuckled. Maybe four or five years ago that would’ve been true about the hound. But now, he was lucky to manage much more than fifteen minutes of fetch. “I’ll see you Thursday, Miller.”

  As his friend walked away, Sully jogged down the sand, searching for his dog. His worry grew as he rounded the corner and didn’t see the mutt. “Fuck,” he grumbled. The tennis ball sat abandoned halfway between the boardwalk and the beach.

  Though it was the middle of the week, there had been a fair share of people enjoying the last days of warm weather, and that meant plenty of footprints on the sand. He called the dog’s name and jogged closer to the end of the boardwalk, hoping the black and white menace would pop out from behind one of the large wooden posts holding up the walkway.

  “Zeus!” His frustration grew as the dog remained out of sight, until he heard a laugh and the familiar clatter of his pet’s tags.

  “Ah! Get off me, you mutt.”

  Bingo. The sound of Zeus’ jingling tags was unmistakable, and he crossed under the boardwalk until he caught sight of his dog standing over Sloan, who was flat on her back, arms shielding her face as Zeus licked her furiously.

  “Zeus! Come.” The dog turned and gave him a considering glance before resuming his attack of love. It seemed the beast had the same weakness Sully did.

  Sloan’s laughter warmed his chest and as he gripped Zeus’s collar and tugged him back, he couldn’t help but smile. Her white shirt was dotted with wet sand and had risen high enough to showcase the soft skin at her waist. He held out his hand and waited for her to take it so he could help her stand. When she kept her gaze from his and refused his assistance, he frowned.

  “Sorry,” he muttered.

  She shook her head and wiped the sand off her clothes. “Not your fault. He’s always been overly affectionate.” She leaned down to pet Zeus’s ears. “I can’t believe you still have him. You must take good care of him.”

  “He’s an old guy, but a good dog. Except for when he runs off chasing pretty girls.”

  Her shoulders stiffened as he spoke and he knew he’d done something wrong.

  “So . . . now I’m pretty?”

  “Sloa
n . . . you’re always pretty. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

  She hugged her arms over her middle. “But pretty doesn’t help if I’m not good enough for you to talk to.”

  “That’s not . . . it’s not like that. I’ve got so much fucked up shit happening right now. I shouldn’t have shown up on your porch like I did. Shouldn’t have used you to bury my pain. But that’s how I am. I’m not the guy you settle down with, the one you marry and have babies with. I’m the one you fuck out of your system.”

  “That’s not who you were.”

  A bitter laugh took up residence in his chest, begging to be let out. “That was fifteen years ago, Sloan. That was before so much happened to ruin me, to break me into nothing more than remnants of the man I could have been. Now? This is me. I’m the fuck buddy who doesn’t take life too seriously and never has any problems.”

  Her raised eyebrow said she knew he was full of shit. She always knew. “Stop being this,” she motioned to him, “you’re better than that. It’s really starting to piss me off.”

  He couldn’t help the smirk that tugged at his lips. He needed a distraction from the truth in her words and the lie in his so he shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled out Zeus’s leash. He just wanted to get away.

  “Don’t you work?” His voice was harsher than he’d intended.

  “I had a doctor’s appointment.”

  Stomach twisting, he stilled as his brain let those words tumble through him. Fuck. “And?”

  “I’m fine. Healthy as a horse.”

  But was she pregnant? Had their one stupid night ended the same way their first and only time before had?

  “And?”

  “And what? Now you care? We were both stupid and too wrapped up in the tension between us to be responsible. I’ll handle whatever happens. You don’t have to trouble yourself.”

  God, the venom in her words was like a knife to his heart. “Sloan . . .”

  “No. You know what? I don’t have time for this. I don’t know if I’m pregnant yet. It’s still too soon. My period is due next week. I’ll be sure to let you know, Carson.”

  He could see the urge to run flash in her eyes, but to her credit, she held her ground, same as he. “Sloan, I don’t want it to be this way.”

  “But you just left. You shut down and left me like I was some one-night stand. Like I didn’t mean anything.”

  Her eyes softened as he stared at her, one hand lifting before cupping her cheek. She stifled a gasp when he ran his thumb over her lips. “You mean too much. It scares the hell out of me, Sloan. Didn’t you hear a word I said to you? I never stopped loving you. But . . . I can’t be the man you need. Even though I want to.”

  “You are the man I need. You always have been.”

  “If we hadn’t forgotten protection, would you still be mad? Because I know I didn’t handle that right. I’m fucking terrified because the last time that happened, I lost you. I don’t want that again.”

  Eyes he’d dreamed of for years filled with tears and her brow furrowed. “I’m scared, too,” she admitted.

  He took her hand and threaded their fingers. “We can be scared together.” When her gaze locked onto his he fought the urge to tell her how much he wanted her. Unable to resist, he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Everything is different now. We’re not making the same mistakes we did when we were kids.” His hand drifted to her belly and she buried her face in his chest as a sob broke through her control. “If we made a baby together . . . even if we didn’t, I’m not letting you go and whatever you decide, I’ll be there every damn step of the way. Like I should have been before.”

  “It feels like we’re spinning out of control,” she whispered against his shoulder.

  “I don’t want to stop. I’d rather we crash together than be safe apart.”

  He’d already dived in, headfirst, without a lifejacket, and he was drowning in her.

  ~ ~ ~

  Jesus, how had things gotten this bad? Sully could see her heart breaking as the sobs racked her body right there on the boardwalk. Unable to bear her suffering, he pulled her tighter against his chest.

  “Don’t hate me, Carson. We were so young. I didn’t know what to do . . . .”

  He pressed his lips to the crown of her head and held her tight. Fuck, this was a mess. “I know, baby. I know.” Stroking her hair and glancing around at the passersby, they needed to take this somewhere more private. “Come on, come home with me.”

  She took a shuddering breath and nodded, letting him lead her back down the beach. As they walked, he held her close, her head resting on his shoulder, but they didn’t speak. The only sounds accompanying them were the crash of the waves and the soft jingle of the dog’s tags.

  His modest house seemed shabby as they approached. The paint, which had been new only three years ago, now looked weatherworn, the shutters quaint, shrubs unkempt. Damn it, why hadn’t he done his yard work yesterday? Zeus trotted along beside them, tongue lolling out one side of his mouth as they approached the front door.

  “How long have you lived here?” Sloan asked, her fingers trailing in small circles over his waist.

  He didn’t want to tell her. It made his chest tight to think about the life he’d planned for them. But, when she stiffened in his arms and stopped walking, he knew the time for evasiveness had passed. “I rented it fifteen years ago . . . before—”

  “Before we broke up?”

  “A few days after you told me about . . . everything. I thought it could be our starter home. You know, two bedrooms, enough room for you, me . . . the baby.”

  Her brow knitted as she took her bottom lip between her teeth and stared at him with eyes swimming in myriad emotions. “And you never left?”

  He shrugged and pulled his keys from his pocket. “I don’t need more than this. I bought the place after five years.”

  “It has blue shutters.” Her words were whispered but they slammed into him like a freight train.

  “You remember that?”

  “Of course, I do. I said I wanted to live by the sea in a house with blue shutters.”

  “For the first few years I waited for you to come back. But when you never answered any of my emails, I stopped hoping and tried to forget.” He let out a bitter laugh. “It seems so fucking stupid now, thinking I could ever forget you. You’ve been seared in my mind, on my heart, since that first day of school.”

  “You sent me emails?”

  He nodded. “So damn many. It’s embarrassing really.”

  The regret in her eyes had him working to control his need to kiss the frown off her face. After he opened the door, he finally removed his arm from around her shoulders and put space between them. He needed to take a breath and ease back into something with her. She deserved more than what he’d given her on the countertop in her kitchen. Although, that had been more than he could have fantasized about since she’d come home. Well, he’d spent plenty of time fantasizing about getting inside her, he just never thought he’d really get the chance.

  “Carson?” She was standing in his living room, big eyes focused on him.

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you, either.”

  Chapter 14

  Sully stepped toward Sloan and fought the urge to crush her to him when she linked their fingers. “Say it again,” he demanded.

  “I never stopped.”

  He stared down at her slender fingers, twined with his own. His heart cracked and ached with emotion at this intimate gesture. He had to tell her everything if they were going to move forward. No more secrets. “There’s . . . a lot going on in my life. And none of it is unimportant. I know it’s not an excuse for me being distant, but I want you to know.”

  “Tel
l me.”

  He decided to start with work. That was less challenging to get off his chest. “We’ve been chasing our tails trying to find a serial arsonist over the last few years.”

  “I know. Grace told me.”

  “Thing is, Michael thinks it’s an inside job. And he’s asked me to help investigate.”

  She sucked in a sharp breath. “No. You guys are as close as brothers. Why would he put that on you?”

  “He trusts that I’ll be objective. But it’s kicking my ass because you’re right. These guys are my brothers and I hate lying to them.”

  “How long has this been weighing on you?”

  “The arson, since we lost John, but the investigation hasn’t been on my plate long.”

  “And the other thing?”

  “My mom was in the hospital,” he said, letting it all out in a rush.

  “What? What happened?” They sat together on the couch and Sloan never let go of his hand.

  “I . . . shit . . .” He tried to bring the words to his lips, but the look on his mom’s face when he’d found her in the pantry flashed through his mind, bringing it all crashing down again.

  “It’s okay, baby. Just tell me what you can. Is she going to be all right?” Sloan cupped his jaw and locked eyes with him. “I’m here to listen.”

  After a deep breath, he let her gaze give him strength he didn’t know he’d needed. “She’s sick. I went out on a call, last one of my shift the morning before I showed up on your doorstep. It was my mom’s house. She’d forgotten she was cooking and when the fire started, instead of getting out, she hid in the damn pantry.” He fought a shudder. “She could have died if it weren’t for her neighbors calling us.”

  Sloan’s fingers traveled up to his hair, moving in soothing strokes across his scalp. Her touch healed something deep in his soul. “You got her out?”