Guilty

by Heidi J Thomas

  Robyn grimaced and nodded. “As I thought really, and I appreciate your honesty. When I remember how he was the last time I saw him, so…full of grief, broken, I’m not surprised that he’s so different now. Tell me Kate, what do you think of him?”

  “Honestly? I like him.” Kate said with a small smile. “Despite his best efforts to try to make sure I don’t. And I probably shouldn’t, if what he got done for is true, but I just do. I went in there expecting to meet a heartless, nasty individual with no morals and no conscience. What I found was an honest, intelligent and…just a really nice guy. The way they are with him it’s like they think he’s a ticking time bomb, made me feel like I was dealing with Hannibal Lector. We meet in a separate room, they talk to him like he’s scum, he has to wear handcuffs all the time. When I saw him I thought ‘God, what am I dealing with here?’ so he was a surprise to me. We get along, had some interesting conversations so far.”

  “They don’t see him how I do. Aint likely to give him a chance are they? He’s just another inmate to them. What is your interest in my son, anyway?”

  “I’m a student, Mrs Edwards-”

  “Robyn.”

  “-Robyn. I’m doing criminal psychology and for my thesis I wanted to talk to someone about uxoricide, which is when a husband kills his wife.”

  Robyn smiled knowingly and shook her head. “He’s no use to you then. He didn’t kill his wife.”

  “The court said-”

  “I know what the court said, and I know what Danny said. But read closely what he said, he said her blood was on his hands, but he never actually said he killed her. I know my son, better than anyone else. He was spirited, he messed up at times, but he didn’t do it. He loved Natalie, and Emma, with all his heart. I’m not an idiot, I know he had a lousy temper, but he wouldn’t have killed her. He would, however, have killed him for hurting her. I think he’s guilty of one murder and his conscience caused him to plead guilty to both. That and grief.” She smiled again. “I know what you’re thinking. That I’m just…a mum in denial, unable to accept my son could be capable of doing what they said he did, but-”

  “No, I-”

  “He’s a good man, he is. A good man who got caught up in the most horrendous circumstances and it cost him his family and his freedom and cost me my son. He did his best by her always, Kate. He honestly did. And he loved her so much. Like I said, he loved them both with all his heart. I can’t accept he did it, and I never will, don’t matter what anyone says.”

  “Do you think he was telling the truth at the start of his trial?”

  “I do, yeah. I don’t know why he changed his plea, I really don’t. I think he just stopped caring, had a breakdown and gave up. I wish he hadn’t, chances are he’d be out by now. Mind you, they might’ve found him guilty anyway, who knows? The way the press covered it he never really stood a chance. And all his so-called friends, so quick to turn on him, no one willing to back him up, support him. It don’t matter now I suppose, he’s inside and I don’t think I’ll ever get him back.”

  She stubbed her cigarette out and immediately lit herself another one, this time offering one to Kate, who accepted it gratefully.

  “Sometimes it’s like he died. From the start he wouldn’t let me visit. Not once. The last time I saw him was at the remand centre before he was transferred to the category A prison. He was a mess, totally drained and lifeless. That’s the last memory I have of him, eyes full of tears, shaking, desperately sad, I could see it on his face. People throw around the word heartbroken a lot, but he really was. He looked crushed. I couldn’t console him, I couldn’t fix it for him, and I never felt so helpless in all my life. And all my maternal instincts were telling me not to leave his side, but I had no choice and I never saw him again. He called a couple of times and he used to write but that quickly stopped. I don’t know why he’s shut me out. We were always so close, and then when it mattered most…he didn’t wanna know me. Wouldn’t tell me why, just…told me to forget about him, as if I could ever do that. There’s as much chance of that as him being able to forget about Emma. I miss him so much, he’s my only son. Listen to me, Kate. He did not kill her. What’s he told you so far?”

  “He’s been telling me how they met. He’s not held anything back so far.”

  “Maybe you’ll get the truth out of him, huh? Maybe he’s just decided it’s time to let it all go. I hope so. He must trust you, and like you to talk to you about Natalie.”

  “Well, like I said…I like him too. I’ll make up my own mind based on what he tells me, but…I got this feeling things aren’t as they seem. I think you may be right, Robyn. He’s not trying to hurt you; he speaks of you with great love and affection. He just don’t want you in there, it’s a horrible place, gives me the heebie jeebies. I think he’s ashamed, that’s the bottom line I reckon.”

  “Well, next time you see him, tell him I’m not ashamed of him, never. And I’m tougher than he thinks. Tell him I-” she started to cough again, “Sorry, excuse me, I-” Kate nodded and she coughed a little harder, bringing something up into her tissue and shook her head, composing herself. “Sorry…emphysema. I shouldn’t smoke really, but well…everyone’s gotta have something, haven’t they? Yeah, so tell him I love him and would love to see him. Ask him to at least think about it – I’m seventy next if I get there without coughing my guts up. I don’t wanna go, you know, without seeing him, even one more time. Least he could do is call me, he owes me that much. I’ve always stood by him, always supported him. Maybe…he could do the same for me. Would you tell him that, Kate?”

  Kate nodded, though the idea of challenging him again on this subject after the look he had given her today didn’t exactly appeal, and she doubted it would make a difference. She wondered how many times she would get away with pushing his buttons before he actually snapped, and she knew she really didn’t want to find out. They got along, sure, and she liked him but that side of him frightened her and every moment with him she was walking on eggshells.

  “Yeah, of course I will.” She found herself saying.

  Robyn looked at his pictures above the fire and sighed. “I know he done wrong. He did a bad thing, he shouldn’t have killed that bloke, for whatever reason…so I suppose he should have gone to prison, morally. But for this long? It’s so…harsh. He’s still my son, my blood,” she smiled a little, “my baby. I know he’s this…huge bloke with tattoos and a gruff voice but he’s also my boy. Forty-two years old, and still my baby. You got kids, love?”

  “Yeah, a daughter called Holly.”

  “Then you understand. How old is she?”

  “She’s seventeen.”

  “Same age as Emma. She weren’t my granddaughter as it turns out, but I sure did love her. And I still miss her, even now. Gets a bit lonely sometimes, living up here in the sky. It’s…well, you probably saw on the way here.”

  “With your health the way it is, I’ll bet you could get somewhere better, some nice ground floor flat somewhere.”

  Robyn smiled and shook her head. “Nah…I’m too set in my ways. Besides, all my memories are here, I raised Danny here. It was much nicer then.”

  “Listen, Danny was dead pleased when I said I was gonna come and see you. He asked me to keep an eye on you, would it be okay to call by again sometime?”

  “Love if you’re a friend of Danny’s, then you’re a friend of mine. The door is always open for you.”

  “Thank you,” Kate stood up, “I best be off, Holly will be home soon and squawking for her tea. It was lovely to meet you and thanks for the coffee. You need me any time,” she scribbled her number on a napkin, “here’s my number. If you want some shopping doing, or just a chat, call me.”

  “Oh, thanks love, that’s very kind.”

  “It’s no bother. Oh…and Danny asked me to give you his love. He said…as always.”

  Robyn had begun to cry a little and she nodded. “Thank you. Tell him his mum still loves him too…as always. And I’m not ashamed,
I’m proud of him.”

  * * * *

  As she reached her car, her phone beeped indicating she had a text message and she frowned, taking it from her bag to read it.

  FROM: JO MOB

  KATE, WHAT HAPPENED 2 COFFEE? HOPE UR OK LOVELY. I NO SUMTHING IS UP, ITS OK U DON’T HAV 2 TELL ME TIL UR READY HERE 4 U OK? LUV U MRS MARSHALL XXX

  She winced and let out a sigh. Sooner or later she was going to have to tell Jo where she was going, and let her freak out if she was going to. But not yet. For now she wanted to keep Danny Edwards all to herself.

  * * * *

  21ST AUGUST 2007

  “Did you see her? My mum, did you go there?” he couldn’t contain the impatience in his voice; he had been dying to know.

  Kate couldn’t help but smile at Danny’s eagerness; it was so unusual for him to show such enthusiasm. “Yes, Danny. I saw her after I left you last time, and I’ve done her shopping for her twice since then.”

  He smiled broadly. “How is she?”

  Kate’s smiled faded a little. “She’s not so good on her feet, and she has emphysema, but…she’s a pretty strong, feisty woman so I’d say she’s coping well. You wanna know what she said about you?”

  “I can guess.”

  “She can live with what you did. She can live with where you are. She can even live with the fact that you’re here because you pleaded guilty to a murder she knows you didn’t commit-”

  “Kate-”

  “-but she can’t live without you. She’s lived a shadow of an existence since she lost you, it’s like she’s stuck in limbo. I think she’s just glad now that she can utter your name, talk to someone who knows you. She’s functioning, but that’s all.”

  He looked down at his hands and shook his head. “Don’t say that…” it was his worst case scenario laid out in front of him. She hadn’t moved on at all, had held on to him all these years. Stubborn, silly woman.

  “I’m sorry but it’s true. Her flat is just…covered in pictures of you, everywhere you look. It’s like a shrine to you, Danny. You cut her off so she could go on with her life; well as much as it hurts, you need to know she hasn’t been able to do that. So there’s no point to you shutting her out. It didn’t work, Danny. She misses you. She wants you to let her visit. At least call her, she says you owe her that much, and I must say I agree. She was there for you when you had no one else in the world, shutting her out is just cruel. And I know you’re not trying to be cruel, but you are. Can I tell her you’ll at least think about it?”

  Danny shook his head resolutely. “No, I’m sorry Kate. I know it seems cruel, I know you must think I’m the worst person in the world, and I know mum is disappointed in me and feels let down. Believe me, if I thought it would do either of us any good…of course I’d love to see her. I miss her too. But it won’t do her no good to see me here, like this,” he held up his handcuffed wrists to emphasise his point, “she’d get all upset, I’d get all upset and it’d make everything a million times worse for both of us. It will burst her bubble, make it real. It won’t help me neither and I am all for self-preservation, Kate.”

  “What do you mean?” she asked with a frown.

  He thought about it and said, “I don’t deal with emotions any more, Kate. Emotions make you weak and there’s no place for weakness somewhere like this place. I can’t afford to start…feeling stuff like that, because it’ll tip me over the edge. I can’t say goodbye to her every fortnight, I can’t. I’d rather not see her at all. She knows I love her, let’s just…leave it at that, okay? Please just…drop it. Because I don’t want us to fall out, you’re all I’ve got.”

  Kate sighed, taken aback by his candid honesty

  (all he’s got!)

  and shrugged. “Okay, it’s your choice, though I aint looking forward to telling her. I do get where you’re coming from though, I suppose. I don’t agree with you, but I do kinda get it. I guess I promised her I would try, and I have. She’ll understand better than anyone what a stubborn…how stubborn you are.” he smirked, wondering what she was about to call him and she smiled a little too. “So shall we get back to it, then?”

  * * * *

  1988

  Danny met up with his mates outside Firestar – Josh, Kevin, Kieran, John and Wayne – and they all cheered when they saw him. Josh ran to him and lifted him off the ground.

  “Hey, hey! It’s the champ! How’re ya doing, birthday boy?”

  Danny punched his arm a couple of times and nodded. “Pretty damn good boys. You ready for the night of your lives, reckon you can handle this?”

  Wayne nodded, laughing. “We can handle it just fine. So this stripper, she your girlfriend or what?”

  “Not as such, but-” they all laughed and Danny held his hands up, “…laugh all you want, but come the end of tonight she’ll be coming home with me, you mark my words.”

  “Is that so?” He turned around suddenly at the sound of the new voice, to find Natalie standing in the doorway smiling at him. “Hey there, handsome.”

  For a moment that felt like a lifetime he could only stare at her

  (what a knockout)

  literally, and he feared, blatantly, checking her out. She was wearing a black, very tight mini skirt, impossibly high stilettos and a white vest top that stopped way short of her midriff. Her amazing hair was up in a sleek ponytail high on her head, and swished behind her as she moved, her lips once again painted that impossibly bright shade of red that meant he couldn’t stop fixating on them, constantly wanting to kiss her.

  “Oh, I-” was all he could manage to stammer, as his mates giggled.

  Natalie looked past him at them. “Dunno what you lot are laughing at, he stands more chance than the rest of you put together.” That shut them up and she winked at Danny. “Come on then, birthday boy, and bring your little friends with you.”

  They went inside and she led them to a table in the corner, where there were a few girls waiting.

  “Okay girls…” she put her arm over Danny’s shoulders, “…this here is my mate Danny and his buddies. Pay ‘em special attention, especially Danny boy here, ‘cause it’s his birthday. Have fun, Danny boy.” She said, grabbing his jaw between her thumb and finger, planting a swift kiss on his cheek, leaving a lipstick print there.

  He frowned as she turned to walk away. “Aint you working tonight?”

  “Not tonight sunshine – it’s New Year’s.” She winked, “Don’t you worry though; I’ll be around all night.”

  * * * *

  Danny’s friends had the best night of their lives and talked about it for weeks after, but Danny spent most of his time looking out for Natalie, occasionally spotting her dancing, or at the bar, or talking to someone.

  She seemed to know a lot of people, a large proportion of them men, and he was surprised to find he was a little jealous.

  She laughed a lot, talked a lot, drank a lot and danced, she danced as though no one were watching, lost in her own world, oblivious to all eyes on her.

  He glanced at the clock – three minutes to midnight – and slumped back in his seat. He lit another cigarette and looked up to find her standing in front of him on the dance floor, smiling at him. He sat up and smiled back, he was definitely paying attention now.

  She put a hand on her hip and raised a finger on her other hand, beckoning him over. He got up and stubbed the barely smoked cigarette out in an ashtray. He walked, almost zombie-like to her.

  She winked. “Good birthday, they treat you nice?”

  He nodded as though he were in a trance, and that was what it felt like to him, just being in her presence, like he was being hypnotised. “Uh huh…” he mumbled.

  “Good. Okay, here’s the thing. I won’t be coming home with you tonight. Because contrary to popular belief, I aint that sort of girl.”

  “About that…I didn’t mean to-”

  She shrugged him off. “I know, you were with your mates and you gotta keep up your male bravado crap. No offence taken.
But listen…I have been waiting for you to make a move on me all damn night. I mean I could not have given you more signals, more green lights. But alas it seems you have lost your nerve, so I’m gonna do it for you, just this once. Believe me I don’t make a habit of this. I mean…for all your front, I expected you to at least try and kiss me. You have some making up to do. But for just tonight I’m going to let it go. So here’s the deal. In roughly…ninety seconds, it’s gonna be New Year’s. And you, you lucky, lucky thing are gonna see it in giving me a great big smoochy kiss. Give your friends and mine something to really talk about. What do ya say? You gonna do it, or sit in your seat smoking and brooding?”

  He swallowed hard and nodded. “Yeah…sounds good. The first option.”

  “Right then, are you ready?”

  This time he couldn’t speak, only nodded. They listened as the DJ and the rest of the room counted down the last few seconds of the year. And then the rest of the world seemed to fade away, and all he saw and all he heard was the sound of her breathing, and his heart thumping in his chest.

  She grabbed the collar of his shirt with both hands and pulled him in, kissing him passionately, and everything else seemed to grind to a halt, his feet seemed to leave the floor, and a million fireworks were let off in his heart.

  * * * *

  Her lips on his were, he deduced, as close to heaven as he was ever going to get. Warm and moist they felt like home, and like they had always belonged locked on his. She let out a deep breath into his mouth, along with an involuntary groan of pleasure and her hands slid into his hair, gripping it with her fingers, pulling him to her. Her tongue danced with his, exploring his mouth expertly and he cautiously slipped his hands down her back then a little lower, surprised when she didn’t protest. When she pulled away he leaned in and kissed her again. If this was a one off, he was determined to make it count. She giggled a little and they kissed again. He lifted her effortlessly off her feet, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, laughing as he spun her around and set her back down.