“That’s what I think, Robyn. He won’t say either way yet, wants to me to reserve judgement. But I know he blames himself, because of the fight they had. He said he deserves to be there, and he called himself…scum. He won’t let me think good of him at all, he just won’t allow it. He keeps telling me not to assume anything.”
“Oh…” Robyn sighed, “He really is punishing himself isn’t he? Even now, after all this time. I knew he didn’t do it, I just knew it. You’re the first person he’s talked to like this you know. He let me visit him when he was on remand, but he was just…broken. He cried like…like a child. I asked him what I could do to help, and he said he just wanted his wife and baby back…the two things in the world he couldn’t have, and never will again.”
“Mmm…” Kate looked down at her coffee and thought for a minute. “How uh…how was he with Emma?”
Robyn smiled, allowing her thoughts to take her back.
“Oh, he worshipped her, he was a natural daddy. He was born to be a father; he’s got so much love in him, and he aint complete unless he’s giving it to someone. You know…of everything, that’s the hardest thing for me to deal with. He was always so loving, so tactile, fuelled by love, living off it. And now…he’s alone, day and night, just completely alone. And I know, because I know my son, that every day alone will be killing something inside him, a little piece of him will be dying. I worry the longer he is in there, the more of himself he’s gonna lose. That’s what keeps me awake. And it’s why I’m so glad he has you to talk to. You can help to repair him and make him feel connected again.” She took a sip of her coffee and lit a cigarette while Kate struggled to process all that.
He certainly didn’t seem the tactile type, didn’t seem the soft, heart on sleeve kind of man his mother was describing him as. But then if she was right, prison had killed off that side of him. It was so hard to imagine how he had been back then, the only version of Danny she really knew was this one, and yes, he could be cold and aggressive, but there was a hint of something more slipping through the mask, occasionally, when he let his guard down.
“He did everything for her,” Robyn said, interrupting her thoughts, “bathing, nappies, night feeds – the lot. Wherever he went, she went too. She was the making of him; he had a permanent smile on his face from the moment she was born. Of course, her being born on his birthday only made her all the more precious to him. I felt the same – my first grandchild, I spoilt her rotten.” Her smile faded. “I can only imagine how it must have broken his heart to discover she wasn’t his. When I knew he wasn’t going to come home, when I knew they were going to keep him locked up…I tried to get Emma, get custody of her. They wouldn’t let me. They wouldn’t even tell me where she was. All I knew, was she had been adopted. In my head and my heart…she’ll always be our Emma. And I know given the chance, Danny would’ve done right by her, no way would he have walked away, he loved her too much. When it comes down to it…he was her daddy. That other…bastard never could have been.”
“I know what you mean.” Kate smiled. “I was adopted. I knew from a young age, my parents were very open with me. They even offered to help me find my real parents.”
“Did you?”
“No. My mum and dad were my real parents as far as I was concerned. See…there are mothers and fathers, and there are mums and dads and they aren’t always the same thing. A father is biological…a dad is so much more. Danny may not have been her father, but he could’ve been her dad. Does that make any sense?”
Robyn smiled and nodded. “Perfect sense. You’ve got a way with words, Kate, a way of making people feel better. Something like that, those words, would mean a lot to Danny.” She took a long drag from her cigarette. ‘Listen, if he does tell you the truth, it’s gonna hurt him a lot, it’s gonna be very hard on him, so I know I don’t need to ask, but…go easy on him. He’s a lot more fragile than he probably looks. He has a very sensitive side, when he dares to open up and show it.”
“I’ve seen it, fleetingly, when his guard drops. But I will. He knows…he can stop any time, there’s no pressure.”
Robyn sighed. “I wish Danny could’ve ended up with someone like you.”
Kate smiled again, this time a little embarrassed. “Me..?”
“Yeah. Clever, nice and calm - level headed. Natalie was a nice girl, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t hate her like Danny probably thinks I did. She was just…too much like hard work. Very pretty, but a bit too volatile. She had to argue everything, and she had to have the last word, always. In that way they were just too alike, it was a clash. Danny needed someone to keep him calm, to be the sensible one; every relationship needs a sensible, realistic one. Danny had his head in the clouds and so did Natalie. If he’d never met her, I’d never have had the joy of Emma, even if it was for such a short time. But also if he hadn’t met her…well, I’d still have my son, wouldn’t I? Kate…when are you seeing him again?”
“The eighteenth.”
“I’ve written him a letter. Would you give it to him? I was gonna post it, but if you give it to him, I’ll know for sure he received it.”
“Course I will.” Kate said without hesitation.
“Thank you my love. And…please don’t think badly of him. He’s a good man, who got caught in a bad situation that’s all….he didn’t do anything wrong. He’s not a monster…he’s a man who got his heart broken. That’s all he is…”
“I know…’ Kate said, and she meant it. ‘I know…”
Chapter Six
18TH SEPTEMBER 2007
She grinned as she went through the door and Danny stood up to meet her.
“Well, hello Ms Marshall!”
“Well, hello Mr Edwards! No handcuffs I see.”
He shrugged, and did a jaunty ‘jazz hands’ at her. “Yeah, well…you’ve been here a few times now, and I haven’t tried to throttle you, have I?” he moved in a little closer to her, as if sharing a secret, his smile alive with mischief. “Actually, I probably shouldn’t joke like that, they don’t really have a sense of humour here.” He lowered his voice. “And they’re probably listening in right now.”
She giggled, liking him like this,
(liking him full stop, you mean)
and playing along. “Mmm, probably…”
“You know what the best bit is? You are now very fortunate, because now…I can give you a Danny cuddle.”
She narrowed her eyes a little suspiciously, but still grinning. “What’s a Danny cuddle?”
“Okay, I’m probably gonna get in a whole heap of trouble for this, I aint supposed to touch you or nothing…so don’t be surprised if the handcuffs are back next time you visit, but…” he shrugged and realised he had already made the decision, “…fuck it, it’ll be worth it. You ready for this?”
“Uh…I don’t know, I guess so.”
He bent down a little, to the same height as her, and put his arms gently around her waist, lifting her ever so slightly off the ground, and kissing her neck tenderly.
She closed her eyes and felt tears welling up. Chris had left her four years earlier, but it had been longer than that since she had been shown such affection. She soaked in Danny’s warmth and smell, a little frightened by the feelings coming with the hug, hoping he wasn’t sensing it, and allowed herself to be held.
The hug itself was brief but felt like a lifetime to her. Here she was in Danny’s arms, swiftly becoming hooked on him, and hating herself for it, for being so stupid as to
(fall for)
be fond of a man doing life for killing his wife
(‘cept you know he didn’t do it)
and her lover.
(he was no more her lover than Danny is yours)
Her chain of thoughts was broken when he set her down, pulling away. “Didn’t offend you, did I?” he asked, concerned.
She shook her head slowly, feeling as though she had been drugged. “No, no. Not at all, it was…lovely. Thank you.”
“Thank you. Been
a long time since I held anyone, even had physical contact with someone, that wasn’t fists flying. I needed that.”
“Me too…”
Not surprising to either of them, the door opened and the guard came in. “Forgot the discussion we had earlier Edwards?”
Danny rolled his eyes. “No sir.”
“Ten seconds into your visit, and already broken the number one rule. I should take you out right now.”
Danny narrowed his eyes, taking a step towards him. In an instant the mood had shifted, and Danny had become unpredictable, dangerous.
He was not the only one who was angry – Kate had been enjoying his carefree mood, which was a first, just seconds before. Now, not only was it ruined, but it almost seemed like this idiot was deliberately trying to provoke a reaction from him, trying to rile him into stepping over the line.
“Like to see you try.” Danny hissed, and Kate saw his fists flexing open and shut by his sides.
“Don’t tempt me, Edwards…I’d love to try you on for size, just looking for an excuse…”
“Uh huh, yeah, you would? You sure about that?” Danny said, taking another step. “I haven’t hurt her, haven’t taken no liberties, aint done nothing wrong. So why don’t you just wait outside, huh? Let me get on with my visit. You got no right to-”
“I have every right, Edwards. You know the rules, you know the score. You were warned. Back the fuck off, or this visit is over and you’re down the block.”
“Make me…” Danny challenged and the guard reached for the handcuffs on his belt.
Kate watched desperately, trying to figure out what to do to calm the situation. She was going to lose him, lose this one hour a fortnight where she felt truly alive, and over nothing, just like that. Without another thought she stepped between the two men, looking at the guard.
“Look I’m fine, really. It was just a hug. Surely it’s better for the prison if secure wing inmates are relaxed and in a good mood, right? He didn’t mean no harm, and he’s gonna sit down now and we’re just gonna talk, right Danny?”
Danny didn’t answer her, he was still livid, still baying for blood. She turned to face him, but he wasn’t looking at her, looking instead over her shoulder with wide eyes full of hate. He wanted the fight; she could see it in his eyes. “Danny.” She repeated calmly, and still he didn’t answer her, so she grabbed his jaw with her left hand, forcing his eyes to hers. “Danny.” She tried again, making her voice firmer but no louder. “We’re gonna sit and talk, right?”
Finally, his big blue eyes met hers, holding her gaze. Looking into them she realised that not one part of her was afraid of him, not anymore. She liked him, she trusted him, and
(oh God, I’m getting in deep here)
she wanted him.
Something in her eyes, and the way they looked at him, calmed him almost instantly in a way nothing and no one had ever managed before. When he looked at those eyes it was like
(home)
nothing else in the world existed. It was exhilarating and distressing at the same time, the feelings that ignited within him when he looked at her. This woman, who just a few months ago was a stranger to him, now his saviour, his chance to do better, to be better.
He swallowed, feeling his heart rate settle and nodded, appreciative of her support. “Yeah, that’s right. Sorry, sir…forgot myself. I’ll be good, promise.”
The guard narrowed his eyes and then nodded. “Watch your back, Edwards. You’re skating on thin ice.”
He left and Kate winced. “You okay?”
He nodded again, giving her an apologetic look. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I just…he just…”
She nodded understandingly. “It’s okay. Think you’re in trouble there, though.”
Danny rolled his eyes dismissively. “Nah, he’s just an officer. My wing governor decides my fate, and luckily he’s an okay sort of bloke. And besides, like I said it would be, it was worth it. You know…when I was a young lad, before Natalie even, that cuddle was very popular with the ladies, they responded to it very well, it was good for making them fall for me,” he looked at her suddenly, “oh, not that I…well you know.”
She laughed a little too loudly and hysterically. “Are you flirting with me, Mr Edwards?”
“If we were anywhere else…” he laughed too, “but you’re way out of my league. Nat said that it made her feel safe. Not just fancied, but loved. She’s the one named it the Danny cuddle, because she said no one could cuddle like me, that it was like my trademark. What do you think, have I still got it?”
“Oh yeah, it’s very…effective.” She said, because she could think of no better word. “Listen Danny, I was worried about you last time. I don’t like to think I’m upsetting you.”
He shrugged her off. “I was alright. I am alright.” She raised an eyebrow, glancing at the door and he smiled knowingly. “Honestly. But I will admit it’s getting a bit heavy, heavier than I’m comfortable with or used to. So I was thinking this time we could…I don’t know, maybe take a break from me?”
She smiled and nodded. “Yeah, course.”
“I thought we could talk about you. You share, I share, that sort of thing.”
“Sounds fine, except my life aint all that interesting...”
He considered that and shook his head. “I remember you saying when we met, that your husband left you. Thing is…I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I can’t think of a single reason why any man would walk away from you, least of all his daughter too. What happened?”
They sat down and she thought for a minute. “Ooh, well…it wasn’t sudden. I mean, looking back it was almost inevitable. We married young – I was nineteen, he was twenty, although I guess we both felt older than that, like you do at that age. For a while things were good – better than good. I always loved him, and I know he loved me too, no doubt about it. But there’s loving and there’s being in love, and they’re not the same, you know?” he nodded his agreement. “We muddled on in our utterly unspectacular, uninteresting lives, getting deeper and deeper into a rut. Both of us probably wishing we hadn’t got married, because we weren’t really that well suited.
The affection, the love...all that stopped about eight years ago, to be replaced with pleasantries and a tolerance of each other. He started a new job in a new law firm – he’s a barrister – and I later found out he started his affair pretty much straight away. Then about four years ago, he came and told me he was leaving. Said he’d been offered a job in New York, and he’d accepted. He went with his new woman, an American – Angela, or Anita, something like that. Signed the house over to me, so it’s all mine – it’s a fabulous house – and a sort of pay off, I guess, to help me with Holly…and he left. I got the best deal, I got a house, enough money to see us right, and I got Holly. I suppose I could have begged him to stay, fought for the marriage, but there really wasn’t anything worth fighting for.”
Danny frowned disapprovingly. “You must have been angry though.”
Kate thought for a minute, looking at Danny curiously, thinking he looked angry and it puzzled her. Why should he care? She shook her head.
“No…no, I don’t remember ever feeling angry. Actually I’m quite grateful. I’m glad one of us finally just finished it, ended the monotony of it. And I’m fine without him.”
“How did Holly take it?”
“Now she was angry, still is.” She said with a smirk. “She’s very vocal on the subject, lets everyone know exactly how she feels about her so-called father. He doesn’t write, or call, or anything. She don’t care though, and its fine the two of us. Better than fine, we’re like best mates as well as mother and daughter. We totally don’t need him.”
“You must get lonely though. Has there been anyone else?”
“Never in my life. Just Chris since we were at school, and since Chris, no one.” She grimaced as she realised just how tragic she sounded. “I wouldn’t say I’m lonely as such, although it would be nice to have someone care about me, I
must admit.”
“I care about you.” He said, the thought popping out of his mouth against his will. “For all the good I am,” and then he added quickly, “I mean, we’re mates now, right?”
She smiled, touched
(mates)
and nodded. “I’d like to think so.”
“And as your friend…can I just say…he was a fool to let you go. Needs his head testing, he don’t know how lucky he was to have such a beautiful wife and daughter. To give that up, by choice, is just insane. You’re a great girl.”
Kate felt herself blush, her cheeks burning. “Been a long time since anyone’s called me a girl Danny, I’m forty in May.”
“And I’m forty-three this year. Still feel twenty-five though sometimes, like I’ve been in suspended animation all these years. Oh, my body is aging – hair where there was no hair before, no hair where before there was plenty - but at least I aint got that fat belly blokes my age get, aint likely to neither, with the food in this place.” He lifted his shirt a little, patting his stomach as if to prove his point. Her eyes travelled down his toned chest, settling on his belly button and then following the cluster of dark hair down from there to the buckle of his belt, her mind’s eye travelling further still. Against her will, she licked her lips. “Do you feel old?” he continued, apparently not noticing her checking him out, “because you certainly don’t look it…”
She shrugged, managing to regain her equilibrium again. “I sometimes feel old around Holly, cause she’s such a livewire, sometimes just watching her wears me out. Seventeen aint what it used to be, is it?” She sighed. “Seventeen years…seventeen years ago, Holly was a baby, now she’s almost a woman. So much has happened, for me, and the world in general, it’s a different place now. This must be so hard for you.”
“It aint nice. Like I said last time, this place is prehistoric, the walls are crumbling, the paint peeling, the heating doesn’t always work, it’s a hellhole, dirty and depressing. But…you do the crime, you have to do the time Kate. I don’t know that I could’ve carried on outside anyway, reckon I’d have topped myself. Mind you, I tried to, on remand. They had me on twenty-four hour suicide watch because I kept trying to suffocate myself with my pillow. It was the guilt, see? I couldn’t live with it. The minute I changed my plea, accepted responsibility, it was like a weight being lifted…like I could breathe again. Since then…it’s not been easy, it never gets easier, but I’ve shut myself down and got on with it.”
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