She narrowed her eyes. “A tart…?”
He was sorry for saying that, almost as the words came out, but as ever was too stubborn to take it back. “That’s right.”
“Sounds like that’s what you think! The truth is the only problem here is your jealousy!”
“It’s not about jealousy, it’s about respect!” he countered, “respect for yourself. Respect for me for that matter! I’m your boyfriend, everyone knows I’m your boyfriend, and this looks like that means fuck all to you, makes me look like a fucking mug. I can almost see your knickers for Christ’s sake!”
“I like it, and I’m the one who’s wearing it!”
He shook his head. “I’m disgusted Nat, I really am.”
She scowled at him angrily and slapped him hard. Danny put his hand to his cheek, which burned from the sting of the slap that had connected with incredible force with his already bruised face. It hurt, it really fucking hurt, and ignited his fury ten-fold, filling him to the brim with a raw rage he had no control over. He pressed his lips tightly together, glaring at her and trying to contain his anger.
“I highly recommend that you never, ever do that again.” He hissed through gritted teeth.
She slapped him again, apparently taking that as a challenge and without a thought he slapped her back, not holding back at all, filled with fury that almost instantly dissipated as she fell back against the wall.
She stared at him, stunned and teary eyed, and he opened his mouth to say something, anything to cut into this hideous moment. It was one thing to push her as he had done before and so had she, but another thing entirely to have hit her. He had crossed the line, one he swore he never would, and it sat bitterly in the pit of his stomach. No words came out, as hard as he tried.
He glanced past her, and saw Lauren standing in the doorway, glaring at him as though he were the devil incarnate.
“Tell me I did not just see what I think I saw, Nat. Tell me…he didn’t just hit you. You didn’t just put your hands on my best friend, did you Danny?”
Still no sound escaped from Danny’s lips, no explanation, he guessed because there simply wasn’t any excuse. He felt sick inside and swallowed hard.
Natalie turned to Lauren with a broad, defiant smile on her face, despite the tears drying on her cheek.
“I’m fine, Loz. Danny was just telling me how beautiful I look, how proud he is that I’m his girlfriend, when I could pick and choose. Such a gentleman. Don’t wait up, Danny boy.”
She went to the door and he sighed, putting a hand on her arm. “Nat, hang on-”
She spun round furiously, snatching her arm away. “No, you hang on! Don’t fucking touch me! I’m going out, and…and damn it, I’m gonna enjoy myself! With or without your ‘oh so important approval’. While I’m gone you need to have a think about a few things! You knew who I was when you chased me, and when you asked me to live with you! If I’m suddenly not good enough for you, then…then go find yourself a nice good girl, someone your mother would approve of. Do not ask me to change, because I’m not gonna. I don’t want to! And that was the first and last time you ever lay a finger on me, you got that? Think on that while you’re sat here wondering if I’m gonna come home to you tonight!”
* * * *
2007
Danny looked up cautiously at Kate and sighed. She could see by his expression it was a memory that he wished he hadn’t brought up, an incident he was obviously still deeply ashamed of.
“I know what you’re thinking. I shouldn’t have hit her. Correct. I shouldn’t have been such an arsehole. Again, correct.”
Kate thought about that and shrugged. “Sounds like you were as bad as each other…”
He frowned, considering that. “There’s no excuse for a man hitting a woman, none at all. Feel free to point out something good about it.”
Kate opened her mouth and closed it again, letting out a sigh of her own. She wanted to say she hit you first, but knew as well as he did that wasn’t good enough, wasn’t acceptable. He was right; there was no excuse, although she took it as a good sign that he was so remorseful about it.
Danny smiled knowingly. “Hmm, as I thought. Finally you understand who I am, what I’m like. I had a shocking temper and I wasn’t in control of it a lot of the time. I mean…if she pushed my buttons, I would snap. That was the first time I hit her, but not the last. I’d love to say I only did it once, but I promised to be honest with you. Thing is she was right, I was insanely jealous. But it was more than that. There are some bad people in this world, people who don’t need any encouragement. Only, she was encouraging them. She just couldn’t see it. Never occurred to me she wasn’t necessarily safe with me. Anyway…that weren’t the worst thing that happened that night, because she didn’t come home ‘til gone three and she was in a right state.”
* * * *
1989
He jumped out of his seat when he heard the door go; a wave of relief sweeping over him that was short-lived.
“Nat, thank God. Babe, I’m so sorry, I-” he frowned, “Jeez, what happened?”
She was standing in the doorway, her arms wrapped around herself, shaking. Her skirt was torn, her hair messed up. Worse, she had scratches up her arms and legs, bruises around her neck, and a black eye.
“Danny…” was all she could manage to say.
“Oh my God…” he muttered and she burst into tears as he ran to her, putting his arms around her, helping her onto the sofa. “Tell me who did this, I’ll rip his fucking head off, I-”
She had managed to compose herself a little and she shook her head. “I’m alright. It’s just…it’s my fault. I got into a disagreement.”
“With what, a bus?”
“With a girl, a huge girl, who reckoned I was cracking on to her fella.” She looked at him suddenly. “I weren’t, I swear. I love you, Danny. So…she lamped me one, had me up against the wall by my throat. Punched me in the face, knocked me to the floor and kicked me.”
“Jesus, we should call the police!”
“No! Danny, I’m alright.” She said hastily and he frowned
(she’s scared, Nat doesn’t do scared, what the fuck is going on?)
“It’s just bruises,” she continued, “I just wanna go to bed. I don’t want police or to go to hospital or anything. I just need you to hold me and tell me…I didn’t deserve this, even if you don’t mean it. Even if you think I’m a bitch who got what she deserved, even if you wanna shout and scream at me…please…just save it for today, I just wanna shower and go to bed, that’s all…”
“You didn’t deserve this, darling. You really didn’t. I mean it.” He stood up and offered her his hand. “Come on, babe.”
* * * *
He waited in the bedroom while she showered; wondering what was taking so long. It was close to an hour before she joined him and slid into bed beside him.
They lay back on the bed together, and neither of them spoke for a while. He rolled over to face her.
“Nat, I’m so sorry about earlier. What I said, what I did…was unforgivable and I didn’t mean it, none of it.”
She shrugged. “It’s alright. You were right anyway, I was asking for trouble going out like that.”
“No, I was wrong. What I should’ve said was you looked beautiful, because you did, you took my breath away – you always do.”
“Don’t Danny,” she said as though he has said something insulting, distasteful, “Let’s just…forget tonight ever happened.”
He nodded and smiled. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is…”
“Okay…” he lifted a hand and brushed her hair out of her eyes, noticing her visibly flinch.
“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?”
“Mmm…I just aint in the mood.”
“Hey, come on Nat, I weren’t after nothing…”
“No, I know. I’m just a bit…”
“This has really shaken you up aint it?” he asked, concerned.
“A bit, but
I’ll live.”
“Not to worry, I’ll look after you.”
She smiled properly for the first time at that and nodded, settling into his arms. “I know you will.”
“I love you, Nat.”
“I love ya too, Danny boy. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t ever want anything to come between us, never.”
“Nothing ever will.”
She searched his eyes, her own fretful and wide with fear. “Swear?”
“I swear.”
“I wanna be with you til the day I die, Danny.”
It was his turn to smile. “You will be. But that day will be many, many years from now. You’re sure you’ll be okay?”
“Yeah. Now give us a cuddle and go to sleep.”
He wrapped his arms around her and they sunk down into the bed under the covers. She fell asleep quickly, but it was some time before he was able to do the same, he was worried about her.
* * * *
2007
He had stopped talking and Kate looked up. He was fiddling with his handcuffs and frowning.
“You okay, Danny?”
He nodded. “Yeah, fine. I hate these things so much. They’re so unnecessary and humiliating. I know with lifers they take more precautions, because they think we’ve got nothing to lose, and so are capable of anything. But even after all these years, I’m still considered that much of a risk? Do they seriously think I’m gonna hurt you?” he looked up, concerned. “You don’t think I’d hurt you, do ya?”
She smiled at the very idea and shook her head. “No, of course I don’t…”
“Because…I know how I come across, and I know I have a short fuse, and I probably scare you sometimes. I know I can be intense but…I would never…”
“I know…” she reassured.
He shrugged. “I’ve learned from my mistakes, I learned the hardest possible way what happens when you hurt those you care about.” He let out a deep, weary sigh of resignation. “Don’t matter I suppose. It’s just, I can’t remember the last time I felt human. I don’t expect to be respected, but it would be nice to be trusted I guess.” He shook it off. “Anyway…so…two weeks later she’s not healed, still hurt and bruised. She can’t work, because she’s a mess. So she just…sits around the apartment, always deep in thought, not saying much, not doing much, not wanting to go out - scared almost. Eventually I insisted she went to the doctors, and she did, but she wouldn’t let me go with her. She came home and told me she’d cracked a couple of ribs. I thought…must’ve been one hell of a fight. Nat was tough, so I was surprised to find how badly hurt she was, and so was everyone else. I sometimes wonder if any of them thought I’d done it, though no one ever accused me. I knew something was very wrong, it just didn’t smell right. But I had no idea…just what she’d been through, just how bad things were.”
Kate frowned, and then her eyes grew wide with realisation. “God, Danny! Was that the night she was…she was raped?”
He didn’t answer her, hesitating, “Um…”
“Oh my God…” Kate said, as she mentally joined the dots, “she was raped, she was raped! So you told the truth about that, which means…”
“I’ve told you before, Kate. Don’t assume anything here, alright? You don’t know what I did or didn’t do yet. You start thinking I’m a good guy, you’re gonna be disappointed. I’m not, okay? I hit her, I talked down to her, I was rude, arrogant and nasty sometimes. I hurt her, physically and emotionally, over and over again. I know what that makes me, and so do you. One thing I’m not, is innocent. Reserve judgement until you know everything, because all joking aside, I’m not the good guy you think I am. I’m not the devil, but I am a bad person, however you look at it. You have to accept that, the evidence is staring you in the face.”
“I can see that you’ve done bad things, yeah, but-”
“But nothing, Kate!” he said, almost shouting. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at it in frustration, “You said…you think this is all a front. If it were I would make it…better, be better. Because I hate this person I am. I really do. But what else can I be, what can I do? Reinvent myself? What would be the point? This person I am, it destroyed me out there, but it also made me stronger in here. I am untouchable Kate, no one messes with me. No one even bothers to start with me most of the time, and more than that, being stronger physically has helped me to be stronger mentally. Anger is the only useful emotion to have here. I know who and what I am, and I have to live with it, and I do. I don’t want to change, and I see no reason to. I don’t know why it matters to me that you understand, but it does matter. Cause I can see you and my mum, sat drinking coffee, talking about me and what a nice guy I am deep down, and it’s just not true.”
“Why is it so bad to be a good guy, why do you try so hard to bury that?” Kate asked, now frustrated too.
“Because it does no good, because I don’t deserve anything good. And I certainly don’t deserve your sympathy. You cannot let your guard down here, Kate, how many times can I say that before you believe it? Any way you look at what I’m telling you, now you know that whatever happened, started with me, because of things I said and things I did. Natalie was happy, she had a happy life. She was dancing, partying, making money, and living a stress free life, and I turned all that upside down. I wasn’t good for her. It all starts and ends with me, and my failings.” He looked at her closely, meeting her gaze with eyes full of desperation and resolve, imploring her to work with him, understand. “You get what I’m saying?”
She sighed and nodded. “I guess so, but I don’t think you’re entirely to blame. I’m bound to make assumptions Danny, there’s nothing you can do about that. It’s human nature. But I will hear you out.” She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “This is gonna do my head in for the next fortnight now.”
“Imagine living with it for nearly two decades, living with the knowledge of having done something…just awful, with nothing to distract you from it. It aint nice to carry, but it’s my penance. My punishment is having to live with what I did, and in some ways that’s worse than death.” He let out a sigh, suddenly just incredibly tired. “You know…I sleep on average about four hours a night. The rest of my time in here, I just…think. Wishing I’d stopped her going out that night, followed her, not slapped her or made that comment about her asking for trouble. That night, when he put his grubby hands on my girl, he set in motion the events that ruined us. I was wonderfully oblivious, but she was living with it every day, and she lived with it for a year before she told me. I spectacularly let her down that night, Kate. I let her down all the time. If you, or mum think I shouldn’t be here, believe me you’re wrong.” He sighed and looked at her wearily. “I’m scum. I have her blood on my hands. It’s that simple. And if I rot here ‘til the day I die, it’s only what I deserve.”
Kate looked around her and frowned. “No one deserves this…” she said, almost thinking aloud and he smirked.
“Some people do, Kate. Reckon you’d feel differently if something ever happened to Holly. There’s a girl out there somewhere, who doesn’t have her mother, will never know her because of me. Because of stuff I did. I’m a bad person, and this place is where bad people belong.”
“I wouldn’t wish this place on my worst enemy. It’s so…”
“Prehistoric?”
“Yeah. I mean, I know it aint likely to be The Ritz, but…surely there’s standards. Legal conditions that have to be met, but this place doesn’t look like it’s been modernised in…well, ever.”
He nodded disinterestedly. “Well, I dunno what standards are meant to be met, but…probably no one really gives a shit. This isn’t a wing for short termers, or petty thieves. It’s murderers, rapists, that sort of thing. No one’s gonna kick up a fuss cause the paint is peeling, or the heating don’t work, not for the likes of us.” He looked around the room and shook his head sadly. “I can’t put into words how much I hate this place, Kate. It’s every bit as bad as you’re imagin
ing, worse in fact. But it’s necessary for me to be here, I have never questioned that, and neither should you. I’m just glad that you only have to endure it for an hour, really I should stop all this now so you don’t even have to do that but…” he shrugged almost apologetically. “I would miss you too much.”
She grinned, unable to stifle it and nodded. “I would miss you too. You’re a pain in the backside, Danny Edwards. You’re a murderer with serious issues, you’re bad tempered, rude, obnoxious and damn it, just…infuriating. But I would miss you too. So…I’ll see ya next time, Danny.”
He rolled his eyes and nodded. “Yeah, you will. Say hello to Ma for me.”
* * * *
5TH SEPTEMBER 2007
Kate arrived at Robyn’s flat at ten in the morning, for what was fast becoming a regular coffee and chat.
Robyn met her at the door with her usual smile and led her through to the living room, where she had already made the coffees and had set out her usual selection of biscuits on a china plate.
“How was my son yesterday, Kate?”
“Not great,” Kate said, selecting a custard cream, “but then…he’s getting to the tough bits now, I reckon. Things obviously hard for him to say.”
“What’s he told you?”
“Well…he told me about this night that he and Natalie had a fight, cause she was going out and she was wearing…well, next to nothing. She came home all bruised and shaken, and told him she had a fight with a girl, but he was suspicious that all wasn’t as it seemed. But he said he had no idea just how bad it was, or was gonna get...”
Robyn looked at her, surprised. “So she was raped then? She wasn’t cheating on him, didn’t have an affair?”
“No, I don’t think so. He didn’t say it, but I think…he knows that was the night she was raped.”
Robyn sunk down in her seat. “Poor girl…” she muttered, shaking her head, although to Kate it didn’t seem a totally genuine sentiment. Clearly Robyn harboured resentments towards Natalie that would never go away.
“So at the start of his trial…he told the truth.” Robyn said, “which means he was also telling the truth when he said he didn’t kill her.”
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