“Yeah…it was a spur of the moment thing…”
“She was over the moon, good move. I know it meant a lot to her. How are you anyway? What happened, I was worried.”
He shrugged. “Oh it was no big deal. Just a little fight over nothing, it happens. Mr Marriott accidentally got a clump, and it made it a bit more serious. But it was all sorted, and I’m fine now, had some time to lick my wounds.”
“You’re sure you’re alright?”
He nodded enthusiastically, “I’m fine, honestly.”
“How uh…how was your birthday?”
“Uh…not great, but then they never are. I don’t do birthdays anymore, no point. Weren’t just my birthday was it? Emma’s eighteen, hard to believe, really – she’s a woman now. And if her adoptive parents chose then to tell her about herself, and she knows everything, then right now she probably hates me.”
“I’m sure that’s not happening, Danny.”
He frowned at the thought, “I hope not. I hope she never finds out about me but it’s praying on my mind, though. So now we’re getting to the heavy stuff, the stuff you’re probably most interested in. Almost at the end, Kate…”
“Yeah…” she found the idea almost sad, and wondered how they would both feel at the end, when everything was out in the open.
“So…” he said, yawning, “Emma was born and a couple of days later we took her home. I tell ya, Kate…I couldn’t get enough of her. I used to just sit and watch her sleep sometimes, in total awe of her. Mum had been knitting the whole pregnancy, so she had loads of clothes, and I’d been working as a labourer during the previous four months or so, so I’d spent a fortune on toys and stuff. She wanted for nothing.”
“How was Natalie with her?”
His smile faded a little and he looked out the window. “Not great. She didn’t neglect her or nothing, she just wasn’t that bothered. If she could leave it to me, she did. I did it all, while Natalie just…watched. Sinking deeper and deeper into herself, getting more and more withdrawn. Looking back, I suppose I just thought she needed time, to adjust. So I left her to it. I thought sooner or later she’d get into it, see Emma for the truly beautiful little girl she was. And after three or four weeks, she seemed to. I’d come home to find her holding her, walking around the flat talking to her, nuzzling her, you know? It was great to see, really heart-warming.”
“What were things like between you and Natalie?” Kate asked.
He looked out the window again, thinking, and Kate found herself looking at him as she often did when he was distracted.
She was looking at his eyes, as blue as a swimming pool in a holiday brochure, bright and sparkling, and his black eyelashes fluttering as he blinked. He pressed his lips together, and she was transfixed by the simple action, and the tip of his tongue as it slipped out ever so slightly, running along his bottom lip before disappearing again. He had maybe a three-day stubble, and his nostrils flared just a fraction as he breathed in and out slowly, lost in his thoughts.
(Kate, what are you doing? You have to stop this…)
“Tense mostly,” he replied, making her jump slightly as though she had been doing something wrong, “sometimes okay, for a while we were able to put on a bit of a front. I had this big fight, and she came to watch, brought Emma too. I guess we must have looked every inch the happy family, and that night we were, at least I hope it wasn’t all an act on her part. I was so damn proud of the two of them, and I didn’t care who could see it, or if they thought I was soft. That night was great, we were solid.” He smiled at the memory but it quickly faded. “But mostly yeah, it was just…tense. She avoided talking to me, snapped at me if I so much as said anything she didn’t like – which was practically everything I said, it seemed. She said all I did was criticise her, that everyone was waiting for her to screw up, be a bad mum. She said no one was on her side, not even me and that I was smothering her, doing her head in, and um…undermining her. I couldn’t defend myself, because I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. I only knew my marriage was going down the pan, and nothing I said or did seemed to make a bit of difference.
And then one day – January twenty-forth as if I’d forget – she booted me out. She said she just couldn’t be bothered with it no more. It started as just another row, and ended with me packing my bags.”
* * * *
24TH JANUARY 1990
Danny sat beside Natalie on the sofa, glancing occasionally at her, trying to guess what sort of mood she was in today. He wanted to speak, but didn’t entirely dare to.
Emma was beside them in her Moses basket, beginning to doze off. He glanced at the clock and wasn’t surprised – nine o’clock.
Eventually, he plucked up the courage to say something. “Nat…?”
She didn’t look up. “Mmm…?”
“Reckon Em’s ready for bed sweetheart.”
“Right,” she said, making no move.
“You uh…you wanna do it?”
She sighed. “Can’t you do it, Danny?”
“Yeah, I just thought-”
“What? What did you think?”
He groaned, knowing full well yet another argument was on the cards. “I thought she might like her mum to do it tonight.”
“Danny, she’s three weeks old. She doesn’t know who I am, or who you are, and she certainly don’t care which one of us puts her to bed.”
“But still, I-”
“Right, okay! I’ll do it in a minute!” she said, raising her voice a little.
“Nat, please don’t shout, you’ll scare her.”
“Right yeah, just another way I’m a lousy mum, huh Danny? Not only do I not wanna put her to bed, because I’m trying to watch this, but now you’re saying I frighten my baby.”
“What? I never said that!”
“Written all over your face, Danny boy, it’s obvious what you’re thinking!”
That was it, and he had had enough. “You’ve got no idea what I’m thinking! And lord knows what you’re thinking, I certainly don’t know half the time! When are you gonna cut the bullshit and tell me what’s bothering you?”
“Nothing’s bothering me.”
“Oh, come on, I-”
She slammed her hands down on her knees and turned to face him.
“Alright, you wanna know what’s bothering me? You’re bothering me, Danny. Constantly on my case, you’re doing my head in; she’s doing my head in. This whole thing is doing my head in. My life aint my own no more, I’m constantly being told what to do!”
“You’ll be fine; you just need time to-”
“Oh, I know…time to adjust, yada yada. I’ve had enough; I can’t be doing with this no more. Just go, Danny.”
“What?” he said, genuinely thinking he must have misheard her.
“Go, leave, get out.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said get out!” she screamed, and Emma began to cry.
“This is my place.” Danny said, mostly because he could think of nothing else.
“Fine then, I’ll go.”
He looked at her, waiting for her to take it back, but she didn’t. He found himself getting defensive, despite knowing it would only make matters worse.
“Well you aint taking Emma.”
“You have her.” Natalie said, without a moment’s hesitation.
“What?”
“You have her. Take her with you.”
He narrowed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. “You really want us to finish?”
She seemed to think about it, and nodded, her expression cold. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
(oh my God…)
“Then…you stay here with Em. All her stuff’s here and she needs her mummy. I’ll stay with Ma.”
She had begun to cry and she nodded. “Right...”
He looked down at their baby and lifted her from her basket. “I’ll just put her to bed and get some stuff.”
* * * *
He set Emma down in her cot and
put her cuddly rabbit by her side. He went into their bedroom and packed a few random things in a bag, trying to tell himself it wouldn’t be for long.
He went back out to the living room, and Natalie was back watching TV, although he knew she was no more watching it than he was.
“I’ll uh….come by tomorrow, to sort something out. About Emma, like.”
She didn’t answer right away, only nodded. “Right, okay.”
* * * *
He had a key for his mother’s flat, so he let himself in quietly and settled down on the sofa.
He woke in the early hours of the next morning to find her standing over him in her dressing gown, frowning.
“Danny?”
He smiled feebly. “Hello Ma…”
“What’re you doing here?”
“Um, well…Nat kicked me out. I didn’t know where else to go.”
“She did what? But why?”
He looked up at her sadly, his eyes glistening with tears and shook his head. “I don’t know, Ma! I’ve got no idea what’s going on, what I’m supposed to have done wrong! I mean…I’ve done all I can, for Nat and for Emma, I’m a good dad…”
Robyn sighed and nodded. “I know you have, love. And you’re a great dad.” She crouched on the carpet in front of him and took his hands in her own. “Sweetheart…ooh, hang on a minute, you’re freezing!” he waited while she went into her bedroom and came back with a blanket, which she wrapped tenderly around his shoulders. She sat beside him on the sofa and put her arms around him. “Danny…what on earth is going on? This is supposed to be the happiest time of your lives.”
“It was…for me. Just not for Nat. She’s not been happy for a long time; I knew that, I just can’t fix it, because I don’t know why she’s so unhappy.”
“Darling…I don’t think it’s your fault. It’s not you, it’s Natalie, I’m sure of that. Give her some time, she’ll soon realise how much she needs you, when she’s looking after Emma on her own.”
“I hope you’re right. Cause…I can’t lose them, either of them. Without them…I just couldn’t breathe, you know? And Em…she’s so little, and she changes every day. I don’t wanna miss any of it. I don’t wanna be one of those dads who only sees his kid once a fortnight for an hour in the park, because I just-”
Robyn put her hands on his face, stopping him mid-rant, and shook her head firmly. “That won’t happen, you hear? We won’t let it.”
“Can I stay here while we work things out?”
“You know you don’t have to ask. Your room is full of junk at the moment, been meaning to sort it out for ages. You want my bed?”
He had to smile at her generosity and shook his head. “No…thanks Ma, but the sofa’s fine.”
“Okay well…get some sleep, okay?”
“I will.”
* * * *
2008
“When I went back the next morning, she couldn’t even look me in the eye. I told her I wanted to spend some time with my daughter; she said fine, she was going shopping with Lauren, so I could start right away. She was out until gone six, and then when she got back she told me I could put Emma to bed if I wanted before I left. She never once looked at me.
A few days later she called me, asked me if I would have Emma overnight, because she wanted to go down the club. Of course, I said yes. Mum was chuffed to bits to have Emma for the night, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Nat. I kept imagining her down the club, drinking and flirting, like she didn’t have a baby to worry about, or a marriage on the rocks. Mum could sense I was uptight, so she told me to go down there and sort things out. When I got there, she was talking to Jonathon Lewis again. Only this time, he’s got his arm around her, and though, looking back, she didn’t look entirely comfortable, she weren’t to my mind trying to brush him off. I lost it, big time.”
* * * *
1990
The first thing Danny saw as he walked through the door, was his wife sitting in the corner with Johnny Lewis, his arm draped casually over her shoulders.
It was all the excuse he needed and ran at him. Natalie saw him coming and leapt out of her seat, catching his shoulders and shoving him back.
“Danny, stop it, what do you think you’re doing?”
“Is he why, Nat?” he asked, ignoring her question, “Is he why you kicked me out? You sleeping around, Nat? Didn’t take you long, did it?”
“How dare you, how dare you!” she pushed him hard through the double doors to the corridor for the toilets and scowled at him. “Why are you even here, huh? Can’t I even go out now, without you trying to ruin it? Accusing me of all sorts, in the place I work, in front of all our friends?”
He looked at her closely, realising something was different about her. Her long red hair was up in a sleek ponytail, her face heavily made up as usual, her lips, her trademark bright red. But, for the first time, in all the time he had known her, it almost seemed to be a mask for something. She was wearing a simple black figure-hugging dress and it was then he realised what had changed – she had always been slim, but she had lost some significant weight and seemed to have shrunk into herself. She looked so very small, and very fragile as though she had replaced food with alcohol.
(maybe you’re not the only one struggling to cope after all)
He sighed, relenting. “I’m sorry, okay? What am I supposed to think?”
“You’re supposed to think more of me than that, have more respect for me than that.”
He narrowed his eyes. ‘You’re talking about respect? What, like the respect you have for me? Did I chuck you out? Am I all over another woman? No, because I love you, Nat. I’m here to find out exactly what’s going on, because I don’t wanna lose you. This marriage means something to me, Nat. I can’t stop thinking about you. Tell me what you want me to do; I’ll do it, whatever you want. Just…please…take me back, babe.”
She sighed and shook her head. “No…I can’t, Danny.”
“Why not? What’ve I done?”
“Nothing! It’s me. I told ya when we met…I’m a bitch, I was always gonna break your heart, Danny boy. It’s just…better this way.”
“Better how? Better for who?”
“Better for you, because I don’t wanna hurt you!”
“What do you think this is doing to me, Nat? Cause let me tell ya, it don’t feel great. If you don’t wanna hurt me, take me back. Love me, like I love you.”
She seemed to hesitate but shook her head again. “I’m sorry, I can’t. I just…cant, okay? It’s over, Danny. You’re just gonna have to accept it.”
Those words hung in the air for what felt like an eternity, Danny refusing to accept them, Natalie too stubborn to take them back.
Danny shook off his initial shock and frowned. “We’re really…I mean…’ he swallowed hard. ‘Well who gets Emma?”
“I think you should. You’re the better parent.”
“You’d turn your back on her? On both of us?”
“Yes. Because I know it’s the right thing to do. For her…and for you. I gotta go, I can’t do this now.”
She pushed past him and out into the club. He watched through the glass in the doors as she went outside, hesitated and followed her.
* * * *
He got outside just in time to see her jump into a taxi and groaned.
“Oh dear…”
He turned to Johnny’s voice and he was smiling. “What’re you grinning at?”
“You, practically on your knees trying to get her back. Well sorry mate, you had her and you lost her. She’s moved on, so you might as well get over her cause she aint taking you back, not the way she was talking about you tonight. No, she’s fair game now, and some of us are doing very well with her…if you know what I mean?”
Danny didn’t answer the question, only walked to him and swung a punch that connected squarely with Johnny’s mouth, knocking him to the ground. He stood over him, momentarily looking around him to see if there were any witnesses – there weren�
�t – and spat on him.
“You stay away from my wife, you hear me?” he hissed through gritted teeth, “that’s the mother of my child you’re eying up like a piece of meat!”
Johnny sat up and touched his lip, then looked at the blood on his fingers, as though examining it, curious. “Is she though?”
“What?” Danny said, growing impatient.
“Is the little one yours? You sure? I mean…you marry a stripper, you never can be sure, can you?”
Danny kicked him hard in the stomach, making him groan. “Stay away from my wife, stay away from me and keep your mouth shut. I catch you near her again…I’ll kill you. You’ll be a dead man, you got me?”
He didn’t wait for a reply, doubted Johnny was capable of saying much, the wind having been well and truly knocked out of him, and he started to walk home, wishing he had just stayed there in the first place.
Johnny was an arsehole, no doubt about that, but some of what he had said had frightened him nevertheless. He knew to go round Natalie’s now would be fruitless, she probably wouldn’t even answer the door to him, but he felt he was owed an explanation at some point soon.
At the very least, she owed him that.
* * * *
2008
He lit himself a cigarette and Kate one too and she could see his hands visibly shaking again.
“Almost there Kate, one more visit I reckon, then the big one. And you’ll know it all…what I done, why I deserve to be here and why I can’t never be free. You’ll have your answers, February fifth, almost eighteen years after…you’re gonna know just what kind of man you’ve been dealing with all these months, the truth of it all. Next time, I’ll tell you how we came to be in that situation in the first place. Then it’s confession time.” He sighed regretfully, “Gotta admit, I’m more than a bit worried now.”
Kate frowned, confused. “Why?”
He shuffled uncomfortably in his seat and shrugged. “Cause…well, because I’m fond of you. And I don’t want you to think bad of me.”
She smiled knowingly and shook her head. “I won’t.”
“You will. Because you still think there’s good in me-”
“There is, I know there is-”
“-No, you want there to be.” He said, shaking his head frustratingly, “But…it’s too late to stop now.” He stood up, hesitated and kissed her on the cheek. She felt the wetness of his lips gently brush her cheek, his breath on her, light and warm
Guilty Page 16