(I’m never washing that off)
and wondered how he could be, or believe he was such a monster, and yet be capable of such a tender gesture, be able to stir something so powerful in her, with just a simple touch.
“Just in case I aint said it before…thank you.” He said, and smiled her favourite smile, bright and genuine, “for being…a friend. Didn’t realise I needed one until you came along. Hadn’t realised I was so lonely. But I am, the past few weeks have shown me that. I missed you. I missed you a lot.” He said it as a confession, and frowned again, to himself rather than at her, “and I’m really gonna miss you when this is all done.”
“I’ll still visit you, Danny.”
He smiled as though he knew something she didn’t and shook his head. “No…you won’t.”
Kate sighed. “Danny…did you kill her?”
“All in good time, Kate. See you next time.”
* * * *
22ND JANUARY 2008
As she walked through the door she could tell Danny was as nervous as she was. He stood up and for a moment that felt like a lifetime, they only stood looking at each other. He smiled nervously and she smiled back.
“Hello Danny.”
“Hi Kate. Sit down.”
She did and frowned. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, yeah. Just got a bit of a headache, that’s all. Aint been sleeping, too much on my mind.”
“I’m worried about you, what this is doing to you.”
He smiled again, weakly. “Don’t worry about me, I’m alright, or I will be. Just need to get this out my head before I lose my marbles. I feel like a pressure cooker, ready to blow. Just gotta release some pressure, that’s all. If I don’t offload…I’m finished. So please, Kate…hear me out, yeah? Let’s see this through.”
She nodded, concerned. “Okay, as you want it. I’m listening.”
He sighed, clearly relieved. “Okay, so…February thirteenth was the day my eyes were opened for the first time, just a little too late. I had Emma at mums, because Nat was down the club, yet again. I was at my wits end, I’d had enough. I’d left her alone for a couple of weeks, giving her the chance to come to me, face me, but she never did. So yet again I made the catastrophic decision to go down there and sort it out. This time if she took off, I’d go after her. This time…I wasn’t gonna let go until I had my answers. Only, there are some things in this life its best not to know.”
* * * *
1990
She saw him as soon as he walked through the door and threw her arms up in the air.
“Ah, Christ Danny! Not again, why are you here this time?”
“Same reason as ever,” he said, going to her, “we’re gonna sort this, and we’re gonna sort this now.”
She shook her head defiantly. “No…no we aint. Because I am on a night out Danny, and I’m sick of you constantly butting in when I’m trying to enjoy myself, you’re like the party pooper from hell. When are you gonna get the message, huh?”
“When you explain to me, from the start, why you suddenly stopped loving me. How you went overnight from loving to hating me, why you can’t stand to be around your own daughter. When I have my answers…then I’ll leave you alone.”
“I don’t have to tell you shit.” She spat at him, and marched outside. He followed her to prevent her usual escape in a taxi. There was a large queue outside to get in, which neither of them noticed nor cared about.
He grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him. “Oh yes you do, oh yes you fucking do! I’m hearing all sorts about you, how you’re sleeping around, how Emma probably isn’t mine, and how-”
“Who said that?” she interrupted, alarm on her face.
“Does it matter?”
“It matters to me!” she shouted, “Do you believe them?”
“I don’t know, Nat. Even if it aint true, wouldn’t surprise me if you were sleeping around now!”
“So what if I was? We aint together no more, Danny!”
“You’re still my wife!” He said, emphasising the word wife, with a shove to her shoulder. “You owe me an explanation, and I’m going nowhere ‘til I get it! You aint telling me everything!”
“I am!”
“You aint, you’re a lying bitch!” now he was shouting too, “Start talking and make it good, 'cause I’m about ready to kill ya if this goes on! Start talking!”
“Leave me alone, Danny!”
“No!”
“Danny, you are seriously starting to piss me off now. Back off, or I’ll-”
“What? You’ll do what?”
She slapped him as hard as she could. He put a hand to his mouth, looked at her and smiled. “I dunno about you but I’m getting a sense of déjà vu here. I’ve told you about that before Nat, and you know what happened last time. Do not hit me again. I mean it; if you do I’m not responsible for what happens next!”
She responded by doing just that, and this time he slapped her back, almost knocking her off her feet. There was a collective gasp from their captive audience, but no one intervened.
She opened her mouth to say something, tears glistening in her eyes and instead lunged at him, thumping him, angry and upset, riding on adrenalin. He caught both her wrists and held her tight as she fought against him.
“Get off me!” she screamed and he shook his head.
“Not until you calm down and give me some answers. If you wanna play rough, I’ll play rough…” he forced her wrists together and held them tight in one hand, dragging her to his car at the curb, opening the passenger door.
“In.”
“No.” she said defiantly.
He sighed and threw her onto the passenger seat, slamming the door behind her.
He drove them back to the flat (rather erratically) and turned to her when he pulled up outside.
“I didn’t mean to scare you.”
She scoffed. “Don’t flatter yourself…”
“And I’m sorry I hit you. It’s sort of instinct for a boxer. But I didn’t mean it.”
“That’s the worst excuse I ever heard. But it don’t matter because I meant to hit you and what’s more, I’d do it again. Who do you think you are, huh?”
“I thought I was your husband. I thought you were my wife, my beautiful, wonderful wife. I still do, Nat. That’s why I can’t just accept this. Come on, let’s go inside.”
* * * *
He followed her inside and she took her coat off, sitting on the sofa.
“Say your piece then, Danny. Give me another verbal pasting and leave.”
He sighed and crouched down in front of her. “First…tell me you don’t love me, actually say the words to me. Look me in the eye…and tell me you don’t love me.”
She looked down at her feet, shaking and crying. “I…”
“Say it, Nat! Tell me you don’t love me!” he put a hand gently on her chin, lifting her head up to face him. “Go ahead and break my heart some more. Kick me while I’m down if you care so little about me, finish the job and destroy me, instead of leaving me in this…this limbo!”
“Danny you don’t just…stop loving someone. You know damn well I love you!”
“You…you do?” he was genuinely surprised.
“Of course I do, you bloody idiot! I’ve never loved anyone else in my life, and I never will!”
“Then…let me come home, and let’s be a family!”
“I can’t, Danny!” she sobbed, desperately.
“Why, sweetheart..?” he implored, desperate for an answer, one he could understand.
“I just can’t, it aint that straightforward!”
He sighed, frustrated. “Why not?”
“Cause we aint a family!”
He frowned. “What does that mean?” she didn’t answer and his eyes widened. He felt his own tears coming. “Oh my God…please don’t tell me…”
“Danny…”
He swallowed hard, struggling to compose himself. “Natalie, tell me, please tell me…Em
ma’s mine, right? I’m her daddy. Please tell me I’m her daddy. Tell me!” he screamed so loud her made her flinch.
“Danny don’t make me say it!”
“He was right, Johnny Lewis was right…Emma’s not mine…is she?”
He had asked the question, but suddenly realised how much he didn’t want to hear the answer, how much better off he was before he had pushed the issue.
Natalie burst into tears and shook her head. “No, darling. Emma isn’t your baby. I’m so sorry…”
With that he was crushed in an instant, his life and everything he held dear to him lying tattered in ruins.
He stood up and paced up and down. “I don’t…I don’t get it. Who is her dad then?”
“You’re her dad, you just aint her father.”
“What sort of bullshit is that, Nat? You’ve been sleeping around! And not just recently…but last year. You had nine months to tell me, you married me for Christ’s sake! We were a family; I had my own little family! All the while…” he wiped his eyes furiously, “all the while you were cheating on me!” he grabbed the lamp that sat beside the sofa on the little table, pulled it hard, yanking the plug from the socket and threw it. Blue sparks filled the room as it hit the wall, smashing just inches from where Natalie sat, flinching and sobbing.
“It weren’t like that!” she shouted, desperately trying to calm him down.
He raised his eyebrows and began chewing on his thumbnail, his hands shaking with adrenalin, anger and grief. He had never felt pain like it.
“No? How was it then, Nat? What was it like, then? Was it good, was it worth it? Did he treat you good, better than me? Cause if he did, I’d love to know how! I’ve taken good care of you, and Emma! That girl has never needed nor wanted anything, and nor have you. I’ve practically walked on hot coals for you, since the moment we met! No one could give you more, or love you more than me! I mean, I know I aint perfect, God knows I’ve done so many things that I am out and out ashamed of, but I have always loved you, both of you, I would die for you! I would tear off my mother fucking left arm if you asked me to, Nat! You girls are the centre of my fucking world! Tell me…what was so wonderful, that it was better than what I offered you?”
“It weren’t like that!” she repeated, with added desperation.
“No? Then how was it Natalie? Huh?”
“I was raped!” she screamed, losing the last of her self-control.
The words hit Danny like a sledgehammer, simultaneously hitting him in his gut and shattering what was left of his broken heart. A hideous silence followed that.
She couldn’t look at him, only looked down at her feet, wincing as though waiting for more fireworks.
He fell to his knees in front of her again, struggling to find a breath, and brushed her hair out of her face, tenderly stroking her cheek.
“You…you were raped?”
She still didn’t look at him, only nodded, apparently emotionally exhausted. “Yes I was.”
“Oh Jesus, Nat. Tell me it aint true.”
“You preferred me cheating on you Danny boy?”
He thought about that and shrugged. “It hurt less. I could do something about that; fix it maybe, but this…what am I meant to do? I can’t undo it, I can’t make it better. Fuck, I hate that I can’t make it better for you. Babe, why on earth didn’t you tell me?”
“Because…he said he’d kill me. He said it was my fault, and no one would believe me anyway. Thing is, Danny…he was right, it was my fault.”
“How could it possibly be your fault?”
“It was that night, Danny. We had that huge fight, 'cause you said I looked like a tart. You said…if I went out dressed like that, I was asking for trouble. Well, Danny boy…I asked for it and I got it. How could I tell you?”
He was horrified by that admission and felt the guilt creeping in that would sit inside him like a rotting cancer for the rest of his life.
“You think I would have said I told you so? You know me better than that.”
“I just…wanted to forget it. Thought I could, but then…I got pregnant. And when I told you, I was gonna tell you everything, but then you just assumed the baby was yours. You didn’t even seem to realise that at the time she was conceived you and I weren’t up to much, we were too busy tearing strips off each other. But me being pregnant seemed to fix everything, you were so happy and I knew you’d be an amazing dad. I could see it in your eyes, how happy you were, how much you wanted it. It made you happy, I made you happy, and it felt good.” She laughed a little but there was no humour in it, only grief, “You even wanted to marry me, Danny. Me, you wanted to marry me, Natalie the stripper! And I tried to make it work, I did, and I love Emma, I really do. It’s just hard to look at her without seeing him, and I look at you and just feel guilty. I split with you because I couldn’t look you in the eye no more. I’ve been lying to you for almost a year now, and you’re such a good man, you deserve so much better than me. You are, and you always have been, too good for me. I’m so sorry, Danny. I just…I’m sorry.”
He put his arms around her and pulled her in for a hug. “Don’t be sorry, you did nothing wrong. God, why didn’t you tell me? Was I really so unapproachable?”
“I didn’t tell you…'cause he said if I did…he’d kill me.”
He felt anger bubbling inside him, raw and primal. “Who? Who said that? I need you to do something for me now. Tell me the name of the-the bastard who put his hands on you. Who blacked your eye, broke your ribs and put you through this. And I swear to God…I will make him pay for it. I will chop his fucking dick off.”
“It don’t matter, Danny. I can’t prove anything now anyway. And it’s like he said…he’d just tell the police the sex was consensual, and they’d believe him over the word of a stripper any day. I can’t let you get involved, Danny, cause this is about Emma too. He said if I stirred up shit, he’d go for custody, take her away!”
“He what? That’s it, tell me who it is, cause I aint gonna let it go until I know. What sort of man would I be if I let this go? Not the man you fell in love with, the man you said made you feel safe.”
“What are you gonna do?”
He sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know. I hate that someone hurt you and I can’t make it better. I just need to know, and then I can make sure he don’t bother you ever again. I’ll finish him and you’ll never be scared again. I let ya down; now, please give me a chance to make up for that.”
“You didn’t let me down, babe. I let you down. And now…I don’t want you getting in trouble, Danny.”
“No, I’ll be careful hun, I promise. Please tell me.”
She sighed and rolled her eyes a little reluctantly. “It was Johnny. Johnny Lewis.”
Danny looked at her incredulously. “Johnny? That bloke down the club? The one who had his arm around you, who had his hand on your bump when you were pregnant? He rapes you, then has the…the nerve to hang around you like nothing happened?”
“I reckon its part of the kick he gets. It weren’t enough that he…he’s gotta rub it in every time he sees me. He was positively pissing his pants when he found out we’d split. He kept saying he knew it wouldn’t work; it never occurred to him that it was his fault, he ruined it. Danny please don’t go after him, just leave it. Now you know, he can’t touch me anyway. Please just leave it, yeah? You go to prison, we’re on our own, and he wins. I need you here with us more than I need him to pay. Okay?”
He nodded reluctantly. “Yeah, okay.”
“Promise..?”
“I promise, if it’s what you want. You know…you could have told me. I’d have taken Emma on anyway, and she’s still my little girl. I’m the one that loves her. Now I know…we can still be a family, if that’s what you want.”
She smiled through her tears and nodded. “It’s all I want in the world. But it’s so much to ask…”
He smiled knowingly and shook his head. “It’s really not, believe me. Babe, can I stay here toni
ght?”
She thought for a minute. “Maybe…tomorrow. I just need a night to myself, is that okay?”
He smiled and nodded. “Yeah, course.” She saw him to the door and he turned to her. “I love you very much, you know.”
“I know, I love you too Danny boy.”
He kissed her, a long lingering kiss and kissed her forehead. “See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah. I’ll come by for Emma in the morning.”
* * * *
He made it into his car before the tears came, and he let them come, sobbing all the way back to his mothers.
When he got back, Emma was sleeping in her Moses basket next to his mum, who was fast asleep on the sofa. He put a blanket over Robyn and went to bed.
* * * *
Natalie came by first thing in the morning for Emma and stood nervously in the doorway while he got her things together.
He settled her carefully in Natalie’s arms and she smiled down at her.
“Hello, beautiful! Mummy’s missed you!”
Danny smiled too; it warmed his heart to see them together, somehow easing the pain of the previous nights’ revelations.
“Happy Valentine’s day, Nat.”
“You too, Danny. Listen…come by tonight. About nine, after I’ve put Emma to bed. I’ll make us a dinner, special like.” She winked. “Bring your stuff with you, yeah?”
He smiled broadly and nodded. “Yeah okay. See you at nine.”
* * * *
2008
“The things I said outside the club were my undoing. In front of…a lot of people, I threatened to kill her; I hit her, and as good as kidnapped her. A lot of witnesses came forward and spoke against me. And it’s not like I could deny it or defend myself, I behaved appallingly.” The bell sounded out in the corridor and he looked up at Kate. “Time to go, Kate.”
“Danny, I-”
“Don’t,” he said, raising a hand to cut her off, “don’t say anything. I’ll see you in a fortnight, okay?”
She nodded, too stunned to say anything else and he stood up and went to the door to wait for the guard to fetch him. He turned to her on the way out.
Guilty Page 17