“God Danny, how do you get over a heartache like that?”
He smiled thinly. “You don’t. I’ve ached for her for eighteen years, and I always will, Kate. I had her in my life for six weeks. It’s a tiny, meaningless fraction of her eighteen years, would mean nothing to her it’s such a small length of time, but for me it was…the best and most significant time of my life. She changed me, I was a boy until she came along, and she made a man of me. I fell head over heels in love with her, and the pain of losing her, I can’t describe it. It was like a nightmare, only I haven’t ever woken up - the kind of pain that swamps everything else with its intensity. The damage from that is something that can never be fixed. It’s what’s made me full of such…anger. I’m angry with the way things turned out for me, I’m angry with myself…I’m just…angry. And it’s unfixable.”
“I want to try…” she said, almost thinking aloud.
He smiled a little. “That’s sweet, but you can’t.”
“I think I can. A little bit anyway.”
He shook his head. “No…you can’t. Whatever you say or do…whatever this thing is you wanna tell me, you can’t fix that. See….Kate…you’re completely underestimating what that girl meant to me. Everybody does, because they think…well, I knew she weren’t mine. And yeah, I did. For a day. I had barely had chance to process that, and anyway it made not a blind bit of difference to how I felt about her, not even a little bit. I loved those girls, both of them, with everything inside of me, every fibre of my being. So when Natalie was gone, who was I gonna want, gonna need, with all my heart?”
“Emma…” Kate said, quietly.
“Emma,” he nodded his agreement, “but they wouldn’t even let me see her, just once. And like I say, I begged them, literally. I just wanted to hold her, and kiss her, and…smell her, just one more time. You see…in those first six weeks of her life it was me who did almost everything for her. We were so close, it was like she was an extension of my arm. And it was like having a limb chopped off not having her in my life anymore. It was sudden, and brutal, and painful like I can’t begin to explain. Tell me, Kate. How can you fix that?”
She sighed and frowned. This was as open as he had ever been about Emma, as brutally heart on sleeve as he had ever dared to be, and she knew she had to carry on now, he deserved to know it all.
“I know where she is…” she said, quickly, before her nerve left her.
His eyes widened in realisation. “What..?”
“I’m about to turn your world upside down, Danny. I just hope it’s in a good way. Thing is…I’m not a student. I’m just plain old Kate Marshall. I have not, and will never be a student.”
“I…I don’t follow.”
“I lied.”
He took a moment to process that. “But…if you aint a student, why the interest in me?” his eyes grew wide, “Oh, please don’t tell me you’re a journalist, I couldn’t bear it…”
She shook her head vehemently. “I’m not, I promise. I’m just a mother. I needed to know exactly what happened the night Natalie was murdered. I had to find out, for her.”
He narrowed his eyes. “For who..?”
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “For Holly…”
Chapter Twelve
Danny was just staring at her, as he had been for a few minutes which felt to her more like hours. It was beginning to make her feel very uncomfortable and a little frightened.
Eventually he seemed to shake himself off and frowned. “I’m sorry, what?”
“My uh…my Holly…my beautiful, wonderful Holly, is your Emma. I told you she was adopted, well…she was adopted by me, and Chris. She was only…six or seven months.” She risked a small smile, hoping eventually it would sink in and he would smile back. “I’ve got your daughter sweetheart.”
He frowned again, visibly shaking. “Well, are you sure?”
“I’m sure. They told us when we got her. And I have her birth certificate; it has your name on, see?”
She pulled out the birth certificate and showed it to him, and he read it out loud.
“Emma Robyn Edwards, born December thirty-first 1989. Mother, Natalie Elizabeth Edwards, father…father Daniel Joseph Edwards.” He took a sharp breath in and put a hand to his mouth. “Jesus fucking Christ…” He thought for a minute. “You said…you’ve been lying to me. So…you knew from the start that your daughter was my – Natalie’s – daughter? You coming here wasn’t a coincidence, you’re here because…well why are you here?”
“Last year, Holly came to me and asked me about her parents. She’s always known she was adopted, see? She wanted to know more, about where she came from. I promised her I would find out as much as I could. About what happened to her parents, why, and stuff like that…get answers for her.”
He scoffed. “Well, you certainly managed that; you’ve had my whole damn life story.” He lit a cigarette and took a succession of erratic, deep drags from it, blowing the smoke out in a big cloud. “All this time…it’s just been about squeezing information out of me. You weren’t my friend? You aint my friend!”
He seemed saddened as he said that, as though deeply betrayed and for the first time she could see this wasn’t going to pan out as she had always envisioned it.
“Danny, of course I’m your friend! At the start…it was about getting answers, and nothing more. I expected to find a cold, heartless killer. What I found instead was a warm, decent man, with the weight of the world on his shoulders, serving two life sentences when he shouldn’t even be serving one! I found a friend in you, Danny. To be honest, before she asked, I hadn’t given you a second thought. Cause I had my girl. I couldn’t conceive, see? I had five miscarriages, no one could tell me why and it broke my heart. Then…I was given this baby, to offer a new life to. She’s my daughter, feels as much mine as she feels like she’s yours.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me…from the start, who you were and what you wanted?”
“I couldn’t trust you with that information, Danny. I didn’t want you to know where she was, because to me you were a killer, a dangerous man.”
“I still am.”
“No…you’re not.”
“Still a killer. And dangerous…well, it’s not advisable to be close to me, with my track record for hurting people.” He thought for a minute. “Did my mum know? She put in her eulogy…good things were coming my way. Did she know?”
Kate nodded. “The night she died, we talked for ages as she was fading. I told her everything.”
“How did she take it?”
“She was happy. Like I hoped you would be. Danny…I know this must be a shock-”
“A shock!” he said, as more of a statement of amazement than a question. “You might say that! I don’t know what to say…I don’t know what you want from me now. Have you told Holly about your findings from your…your research?”
“No, I’m telling her tonight.”
“Probably best you don’t,” he said coldly, his face expressionless.
Kate couldn’t believe what she was hearing, and hoped she had misheard him. “What?”
“I think its best she doesn’t know about me. I think it would be a mistake. She’s got enough, with you. A good mum, a brilliant mum, that’s all she needs.”
“You’re her dad, Danny!” she said, her eyes welling up with tears. In a million years she had not expected this reaction.
He scoffed again and stood up, walking over to the window and looking out for a minute, deep in thought. He turned back to her.
“You know, that girl’s had three fathers? Not one of them worthwhile. Rapist, murderer, deserter…it’s a sign she should forget about dads, and just concentrate on you, her mum.”
“She’s waiting for answers, Danny. What am I supposed to tell her?”
“Tell her…her real parents are dead and I killed them.”
“I have never lied to my daughter, Danny. Never. Do not ask me to do it now!” she was aware her voice was r
ising too, and this was fast descending into an argument, but she couldn’t help it. She was devastated to not be getting a happy reaction, and frustrated by his attitude.
“Whereas with me, it was okay to base all this on a lie? To lead me down a path that has all but destroyed me, so you could plug me for information. You’re so not who I thought you were!”
“I haven’t suddenly become someone else!” she protested, thinking he was being a little dramatic now.
“Yes you have, yes you have!” he countered, again raising his voice, “because in all this fucked up hell of a life I have going on here, you were something special and pure and honest. And…and now? Now you’re a liar!”
“Whereas you are so fucking perfect!” she snapped angrily. “For fuck’s sake, Danny! From day one it’s been obvious to me what Emma meant to you, what you would have done to see her again. Now I am giving you that chance and this is how you react?”
“And what do you think should happen, huh?” he spat, beginning to pace up and down, “in your head, what were you thinking would happen, after you told me, and told Holly? Did you think it would be a happy ending?”
“As a matter of fact, I did! What’s so wrong with that?”
“Look around you, Kate! You want your daughter coming into this place? Cause that’s what she’d get from me! An hour a fortnight in this shithole! It’s hardly the place for happy reunions is it? I was her daddy, Kate. Her protector, and on my watch her mum was murdered and she was taken away never to see either of us again. She is eighteen years old and I haven’t been there for any of it. All because of me, she lost everything at six weeks old. You can’t seriously believe that I am in any way shape or form a good person for her to know. It’s absurd! She can’t see me in here, it can’t happen.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m ashamed!” he shouted and she flinched. She was afraid of him in this mood, more afraid than she had even been at the start. His demeanour was of someone intensely agitated, ready to blow at any given moment, and inadvertently she was the cause of his anger.
He sighed and lowered his voice again, glancing at the door to make sure no one was coming to the sound of his shouting.
“Do you know how it feels to have you visit? It’s wonderful and humiliating at the same time. I’ve been here so long I feel…sub human. I’ve got no pride left, no dignity, nothing. I’m an empty, pointless black hole. That’s never gonna change, Kate.”
“What about…parole, I mean-”
He brushed her off. “Ah that’s a fucking fantasy, Kate. The sooner you accept that, the better. I know what you want, I want it too. You want the three of us to have a happy ending. And you’re an optimist, so you believe it can happen. Me? I’m a realist and I know it can’t. This aint some romance movie, this is real life, in all its shitty glory. This time next year I’ll still be here, and the year after that, and the year after that. This is it for me, okay? There’s nothing else, not ever. Just me, lots of locks, and lots of bars. I have nothing at all to offer her. So there’s just no point.”
“I can’t believe this, Danny! You can’t be seriously saying that you won’t even…meet her!”
“It’s for the best,” he said, turning to her, “you aint the only one who’s lied Kate, or rather hidden certain truths. You think I’m adjusted to this place. You think that after eighteen years, I’m coping cause its normal life for me. Well, I haven’t adjusted, and I don’t cope with it. I don’t think anyone ever could. It’s like living in limbo, because you’re neither dead nor alive. I can’t even live by the live for each day rule, because each day is the same, like exactly the same. So what I do is…” he held his hands up and made tight fists, his face a grimace, “I hold it, all of it, deep inside in a big fat knot, and I try to feel as little as possible. It sits badly inside me, like…like a cancer, but it’s better than letting it out. Because if I add feelings to the mix, it’s too hard and I would lose my mind, I’m already slipping. Capital punishment don’t exist no more, but I’m all for it. This is worse in a way. They keep you alive, that’s the punishment. To be alive but not to be able to live. Sometimes I think death would be better than this. Better than the hell that is every single day trapped in here. I can’t be what you want me to be, I can’t be her father. I just aint capable of that, I’m a very angry, very bad man. There’s nothing to be gained for any of us.” He went to the door and banged on it. “I’m sorry, I have a raging headache, I’ve gotta go.”
She stood up. “Danny, please don’t go yet, there’s still twenty minutes.”
“I don’t think there’s anything else to say.” She was properly crying now and he sighed
(way to go, Danny boy, still got a way with the ladies, still know how to make ‘em cry)
“How am I gonna tell her…you don’t want her?”
He frowned and shook his head. “You think I don’t want her? Of course I do, of course I do! But I can’t be her dad, as much as I would love to be. I just aint good enough, not by a long shot.” He banged on the door again, a little louder. “Hey, I wanna go back to my cell now!” the door opened and he thought and then turned back to her. “Please don’t hate me; I’m trying to do the right thing in the long run. I think the world of you, Kate Marshall. Who knows…in other circumstances, maybe we could’ve…”
“What?”
He shook his head. “Don’t matter. You should never have come here, it was a mistake. You were looking for something – for someone – that don’t exist. And now you want me to be someone I can’t be.” He ran a hand through his hair and sighed again. “I’m glad it was you that got her. I could not have wished for a better person to take care of my baby girl. Thank you. Tell her if you must, but I can’t meet her. So you just…give her a hug from me, and tell her…I love her. I’ve always loved her and I always will. I’m so sorry.”
He took a step and she took a step closer to him, “Danny Edwards, don’t you dare walk out that door! Damn it, you have no right to behave this way! I know this is a shock and I know you have all this…let’s face it, self-pity, but she has a right to choose to see you or not! Stop being so fucking stubborn and suck it up!”
(way to go with the tough love, Kate that ought to do it…)
He stared at her, that familiar glare, his lips pressed together, hands flexing into tight fists by his side as he fought against his anger. His chest moved up and down erratically
(you’ve seriously pissed him off now)
Out of nowhere he rushed to her, grabbing both her arms in a tight grip and slamming her against the wall, with not half the force she knew he was capable of. She let out a yelp of surprise rather than pain, although it did hurt a little, stunned that he had put his hands on her in such an aggressive manner.
Mr Marriott was on it in a second, trying to pull Danny away.
“I can’t!” he yelled, right into her face.
“Danny, step aside…” Mr Marriott said, “You’re scaring her!”
He frowned at the realisation that she was indeed scared, sobbing in his grip. He sighed, upset with himself and let go of her, raising a trembling hand and wiping her tears away with his thumb. “I’m so sorry…”
And then he backed away and was gone. Mr Marriott looked at her, concerned. “Are you alright?”
She nodded, still shaking. “Um…yeah…”
“A colleague will come and escort you to your car, if you want to make a complaint-”
“No…” she said quickly, “please, I don’t wanna get him in trouble. I provoked him. He didn’t hurt me. At least…not on the outside. I’m okay.”
Mr Marriott frowned, clearly not happy but nodded politely and left.
When he had gone she put her hands on the table, letting out a long, shaky breath, emotionally spent and deeply hurt and began to cry.
* * * *
Out in the hall Danny paced up and down, still agitated. He stopped when Mr Marriott came out and looked behind him at the now closed door.
/> “Is she alright? Did I hurt her?”
“No, she said…not physically.” Mr Marriot said, disapproval written all over his face. “What the hell was that? You should be on report for that! It’s only her defending you is why you’re not. You wanna talk about something, Danny?”
He hesitated and shook his head. “No. Can I just-” he moved to go back into the room and Mr Marriott blocked his path.
“I don’t think so Danny, do you?”
“Please, I can hear her crying…”
“I’ll make sure someone sees to Ms Marshall, and makes sure she’s alright before she leaves. But you are not going back in there, you did quite enough.”
“Yeah, but sir-”
“No, Danny.” Mr Marriott said, a little firmer. “I mean it, that’s an order. You stay right here with me.”
He sighed and nodded, relenting. He hesitated for just a moment and then shoved past him and back into the room.
Kate looked up at him from her position, still slouched over the table, trying and failing to compose herself, to stop crying. He looked at her desperately, opening his mouth several times with nothing coming out.
“Damn it, Danny!” Mr Marriott said, “this is your last warning!”
“What do ya want, Danny?” Kate said wearily, “just…do as they say and go. What else is there, huh?”
He swallowed hard, ignoring Mr Marriott completely. “I just need you to understand how this is for me-”
“Oh you, you, you!” she yelled suddenly, “always on Danny’s terms, big bad Danny Edwards, fooling no one with his hard man front when underneath you’re just like the rest of us – scared and vulnerable and in complete denial about how you really feel. This tough guy act you put on…do you think anyone believes it? Really? Cause I don’t buy it for a second! And you know what, Danny? Here’s a bombshell for you. This aint just about you, it’s about a girl who wanted to know her roots, where she came from, and a mum willing to do anything to make that happen. And I really thought that we…”
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