“I’m sorry…” he said and she could tell he meant it. “Mrs Marshall, do you smoke?”
She shook her head, frustrated. “What…?”
“Danny does. I’m not supposed to, but I’m gonna take him out to the smoking shelter in a minute, to wait for the police car. All he’s been through, the guy deserves a cigarette. It’s risky…I mean, any member of the public can be there, so…”
Her eyes widened as she got what he was saying and she nodded slowly. “Yeah…yeah, so you tell him I was here, okay?”
“I will…” he said with a small smile.
“I’m gonna go now…”
“Okay…” he smiled again as she nodded discretely.
Outside she stood nervously shuffling from foot to foot and lit herself a cigarette.
“Mum?”
She whirled around to her voice, shocked. “Holly, what on earth are you doing here?”
“I just came to see how he was; I didn’t sleep last night either. Have you seen him?”
“No love, they wouldn’t let me in.”
“Why not..?”
“He’s not allowed visitors, he’s being discharged, they’re waiting on a police car to take him back. His prison officer is bringing him out for a cigarette in a minute, but he can’t see you here, Hol. He aint ready to meet you yet, not like this…”
The smoking area had benches set out in a circle, with trees in the centre, and she grabbed Holly’s arm, dragging her round to the other side, out of sight of the main doors.
“Mum, I-”
“He’ll be out here any minute, but officially I’m supposed to talk to him, and he can’t know you’re here so…don’t say anything, okay?”
Holly held her hands up. “I won’t, I swear…”
They heard mumbling voices and listened closely.
“Okay, Danny. Quick cigarette, alright? The car will be here in a minute.”
“Thanks sir, I appreciate it.”
“No trouble. Are you alright, you wanna sit down?”
“Yeah…ta.”
Kate swallowed hard, ridiculously nervous, and sighed. “They wouldn’t let me in to see you…”
Danny flinched, surprised to hear her voice behind him. “Kate…?”
“Yeah…um, Mr Marriott told me he was bringing you out here, but this isn’t really allowed. Don’t turn round, okay? I just…wanted to talk to you.”
“Yeah…I’m sorry I was asleep when you came back…”
“Don’t be, it’s okay. Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m alright, just sore.”
“Listen Danny…I’m not gonna visit you. Not any more, not at the prison.”
“What?” he said suddenly, resisting the urge to turn to face her. His heart was in his mouth, wondering why. Had she changed her mind? Had time to think overnight, and realised she didn’t love him after all, was still mad at him? Was this her saying goodbye? He swallowed a lump of grief and sighed. “Kate-”
“Hear me out. I think…you’ve been through such a lot. We have a future Danny, me and you, but not until you’ve had some time, to grieve properly for Natalie. This bit, up to the summer, is just for you, I think. You need that time. I’m going nowhere, when you get out I’ll be there for you. But for now, I think it best I take a step back. You understand, right?”
He hesitated and sighed too. “Yeah, I do. But I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too…but the summer will be here soon, and you’ll get out, you will. Promise me, you’ll be okay.”
“I’ll be okay, I promise.” He said, because he knew it was what she needed to hear. “Will you pass a message on to Holly for me, Kate?”
“Course…” Kate said.
“Tell her…thank you, for the letter. It’s beautiful. I think she must be one amazing young woman, and I can’t wait to meet her.”
Kate glanced down at Holly, who had a tear rolling down her cheek although she was smiling, and nodded to herself. “I’ll tell her.”
A police car pulled up at the curb in front of Mr Marriott and Danny.
“This is our ride, Danny.” Mr Marriott said. and Danny nodded sadly. The thought of going back into the prison filled him with dread and a deep, deep depression.
“Yeah…Kate, I gotta go. Write to me?”
“Try and stop me,” she said, suddenly feeling deeply sad, “I’ll write all the time, I promise. Take care of yourself Mr Edwards…”
“Okay…bye…”
She hesitated, wrestling with her thoughts and spun round. “Danny, wait!”
He was standing by the police car, dressed in a grey tracksuit, his hands cuffed in front of him, holding Holly’s rabbit in his hand. The bruises on his face looked worse than ever, his neck a dark purple.
She looked him up and down, trying to decide what she should say; if it was the last thing he was going to hear pass through her lips until the summer. She realised in that moment just how in love with him she was. He was in need of love and looking after, and her instincts wanted her to do that for him, but she was completely unable to. Everything about that felt wrong. She groaned, desperately sad but not wanting him to see it, and leaned up on tip toes, planting a soft long kiss on his cheek.
“I love you, alright?”
He smiled brightly and nodded. “I love you too, both of you. See ya…”
She nodded, now crying a little. “See ya…”
She stood by the curb as they got into the car and gave him a little wave as they pulled away, as though he were off on holiday, not back into the hellhole that was HMP Chirton.
She felt Holly link arms with her. “Are you okay, mum?”
Kate nodded in spite of her tears. “Yeah…yeah. It’s just, I know what he’s going back to, and thinking about it…” she shuddered. “I miss him already. Am I doing the right thing? Not visiting I mean.”
Holly nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I reckon. Be summer before we know it…he’ll be okay.”
Chapter Fourteen
29th February 2008
Dear Kate and Holly,
Hi, how are you both? I hope your well. I’m okay, so you can stop worrying. I am starting to heal up quite well, almost like it never happened. The bruises are a sort of weird yellow colour and the print of Brian Thompson’s size eleven shoe has almost completely gone from my back, haha. I’m getting there and working on sorting my head out. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, they reckon it’s probably been just below the surface for years witch has made it all the worse. They made me have some counselling and the doctor gave me some antidepressants and sleeping pills which are really helping me to feel better and I am even sleeping all the way through some nights. I am also on mood stabilisers, which stop me from going from one extreme to the other like I used to, or at least they help. I have good and bad days, but there are getting more and more good ones so I guess that’s progress eh.
I want to get strate, for both of you and so that I am prepared, if I get parole, for life on the outside.
There’s lots of time to think in here. Sometimes that’s a bad thing, but sometimes it’s good, like now. I have decided to get my head down and just get on with things. Hopefully I will make it to June without getting into trouble, not that I could locked in my cell all the time, and I’ll do my best at parole to convinse them I aint a danger to society. I’m trying to think positive because I have to get out of here, enough is enough now. I want a fresh start, if I’m not too old!
I’m dead sorry for what I did, girls. It was stupid but I weren’t thinking strait. I was selfish and weak. I will make it up to you I swear.
Thank you both for your support and faith in me, it means alot. For now I do think it’s a good idea not to get visits, because it would make it to hard saying bye every fortnight. I need to focus. If parole don’t happen we’ll have another think. Its forteen weeks to june, not long in the big picture, and itl be here before we no it.
Until then please right to me, (with better Engl
ish then me I’m sure) don’t forget about me and take care of yourselfs.
I will call if I can as well.
All my love girls,
Danny xxx
* * * *
March 6th 2008
Dear Danny,
Hello, it’s us again. Thanks for your letter and setting our minds at rest. It’s so nice to hear you so positive and to know you are starting to feel better.
I think its right to just get on with things ‘til June, but I already miss you! I miss your smile and your smart, sarcastic mouth! Gosh life is dull without you in it! Far too quiet! Haha! Still, it’ll only make it more special when we do see each other again, can you imagine how wonderful it would be if the next time we saw each other was outside, in the summer, with you a free man? It’s okay to imagine it, and to believe it, I do. It’s nice to hear you daring to believe it too.
Anyway…there’s another reason for this letter. I went to the reading of your mums will today. She has requested that her flat be sold and the money left to me, in trust for you for when you are released. You know you can trust me to do this. She also left her savings – around ten thousand pounds, to me too, also to give to you. I don’t think you will need to be worrying about money for a very long time, you will be surprised what that little flat might be worth. I’ll let you know when it’s sold.
At her request I gave all her furniture to charity, and have kept her personal effects – photos and such – for you to sort out, they are in storage. I hope you don’t mind but she left me a beautiful necklace and bracelet, and a ring that belonged to Natalie for Holly. I hope you don’t object to this, but if you do, I completely understand.
Your mum was a wonderful lady who has made sure you will be secure for the rest of your life, as I know it worried her how you would cope. I made a promise to her that I would look after you and be all to you that you let me be and I will always honour that. Not just because I promised her, but because I want to, to be there for you Danny.
Holly sends her love; she can’t wait for the summer to meet you, and talks about little else! I’m sure none of us will be disappointed.
Anyway, must go now hun, but I’ll write again soon,
Take care of yourself babe
All my love,
Kate (and Holly) xxx
p.s. don’t be soft, there’s nothing wrong with how you write xxx
* * * *
March 31st 2008
Dear Kate,
Hi sweetie, how are ya? And hows Holly? Sorry I aint wrote in a while, its just lazyness really. I am getting old and idle. This is what man is like without a woman haha. I need you two to kick me into touch!
I got your letter about the sale of the flat. Blimey, who would have thort that flat would be worth sixty grand?? I’m gobsmacked! I’m glad because I didn’t want to rely on you when I came out, if that makes sense. I want to take care of you. Its fine about the jewlry too, corse it is. And im so happy mum had something of Nat’s to leave Holly, its right she has something.
I’m still well, still feeling positive and still missing you. Time is moving fairly fast though, don’t you think? Not long now and hopefully I can put this nightmare behind me.
Sorry this letter is short but theres only so much to talk about. The food is still crap, the toilets are filthy and the bed is still too short (or I am too long, aint sure no more). I haven’t been moved back to my old cell, they decided it’d be best just to keep me here where its quieter and I tend to agree. I am even getting out twice a day, for some proper fresh air on my own, which is nice. Sometimes I just like to sit and enjoy the peace and open space, cause its a lot of hours to be locked up, but recently I have started going for the occashonal run too, just round and round the yard but it releaves a lot of tenshion. I am ok.
Write back babe
Danny xxx
* * * *
27th May 2008
Dear Kate,
Happy birthday! I hope you get this letter and card before your birthday. 40 years old! Don’t worry, it aint all bad, and anyway you don’t look anything close to 40, your beautiful. Look at me, 43 and still youthfull and gorgeous, haha.
Do you have any plans? A night out? I love to think of you out with the girls laughing and joking. It should be properly marked. I wish I could share it with you…maybe next year.
I am terrified about Tuesday now, if im honest. Cross all your toes and fingers for me, and I will let you know asap when they have made their decision.
Many happy returns of the day for Friday,
Love as ever,
Danny xxx
* * * *
Saturday 31st May 2008
Dear Danny,
Thanks for my card and letter, they arrived yesterday, right on time.
I had a great birthday, from what I can remember of it (I keep having flashbacks of dancing on the tables in my local – I am praying I didn’t do that, but Holly is refusing to say one way or another!). All I know for sure is I was drinking shots and tequila slammers and this morning I can’t find one of my shoes. My favourite pair too! So much for growing old gracefully, eh! Still, it was a lot of fun.
Anyway…I can’t believe we are almost at the moment of truth. Feet don’t fail us now, aye? I am still confident, but yes, nervous too. I just want you out of that hellhole and here with us where you belong.
If things don’t work out how we wanted then we will grit our teeth and get you out of there as soon as possible.
Still, enough of that talk, it’s going to be fine, I just know it.
Good luck, anyway
Always thinking of you,
Kate xxx
p.s. I have sent another suit in for you, picked it out myself. Didn’t want you going to the parole hearing wearing your funeral suit! Hope you don’t mind, and you like it J xxx
* * * *
TUESDAY 3RD JUNE 2008
Danny stood out by the prison gates with Mr Marriot waiting for his transport to arrive, feeling the nerves really beginning to settle in now.
Dressed in the suit Kate had brought him, clean shaven and looking very smart, he might have looked like he were going for a job interview somewhere, were it not for the handcuffs secured on his wrists. He smoked his cigarette slowly, inhaling deeply, not knowing when he would be able to smoke again.
A police car was let in through the main gate and Mr Marriot gestured to it. “This is our ride, are you ready?”
Danny nodded nervously. “Yeah, as I’ll ever be.”
They walked to the car in silence, and the policeman got out and opened one of the back doors. Danny discarded his cigarette, and climbed in and Mr Marriot got in the other side. “Can you manage your seatbelt, Danny?”
He was already struggling with it, but it was proving tricky with his hands stuck together. “Um…not as such.”
“Here, let me.” He fastened Danny’s seatbelt and then his own.
“Thanks.”
They had begun to move, and Danny looked up at the prison and sighed deeply.
“Listen, Danny. This could be the day you’ve waited for, for nearly two decades. I know I don’t need to tell you how important the impression you make is. Go in there, be honest, and answer any questions truthfully, and openly. Call them ‘sir’, be respectful. Be humble, remorseful, and above all, polite. They already have a copy of my report, which should really help, I was very positive, as was the prison governor. Don’t freak out, and whatever they say, don’t lose your temper. Keep the focus on getting yourself out, okay?”
Danny nodded. “Okay. Thank you. Will I know today?”
“Possibly, unless there is some dispute, or they can’t agree. They might keep us waiting, but that isn’t a bad thing, it means they are seriously considering you. I got a good feeling about today, how about you?”
Danny looked out the window again. “I did, but then the nerves kicked in again. My life is riding on today, sir.”
“I know. It’s gonna be fine, you’ll see.”
Danny stood in front of the panel of three, trying to control the shakes and stop himself from fiddling with the handcuffs.
He surveyed each of them in turn, and his optimism left him.
The first was a man in his mid-fifties, stern looking, like he should be a headmaster of a nineteenth century boarding school. He had twice looked up at Danny with a look of vague contempt.
The second was in his early thirties at most, and Danny thought that was somehow worse. How would he be able to understand his situation, or have any concept of the sheer amount of time he had served? He didn’t look like he had ever had to struggle with anything in his life.
The third was the worst of all – a woman. The fact that he was standing here having supposedly killed his wife, would not exactly go down well with her; she was bound to automatically hate him already.
They were making him wait, standing there like a spare part while they talked among themselves, quietly so he wouldn’t hear, and pointed out things in the paperwork to each other.
He glanced over at Mr Marriot, who was sitting in a chair by the door, and he smiled and help up his crossed fingers in support. Danny nodded appreciatively, but wished with all his heart that Kate had been allowed to be here, now more than ever before he needed to see her face, see her smiling at him.
Thinking of her helped him bring his resolve back. He had thought of several ways to approach this, now he knew what he was going to say. It was risky, but it felt like the right path to take.
* * * *
Kate sat out on the back step, smoking her fifth cigarette in an hour, with a cup of coffee by her side.
She imagined he would be there by now, and wished she knew how it was going.
The back door opened and Holly sat beside her. “He’ll be there now, huh?”
Kate nodded absently. “I think so, yeah.”
“Mum…keep believing, don’t start to doubt now. It’s gonna be fine, he’ll be here with us very soon, and all this will be like a bad dream, fading away to nothing.”
Kate smiled wearily. “I know sweetie. Thank you. I’m just scared, because I don’t know what he’d do if-”
“Well we’re not gonna find out, cause it won’t happen, okay? When are we gonna find out what the decision is?”
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