He nodded, feeling giddy and a little overwhelmed. What a difference one conversation could make. Kate hesitated, and leaned in to hug him. He put his left arm around her, holding her close to him, and neither one wanted to let go.
“Get some sleep,” she said, pulling away, “eat something and recover, knowing that everything is going to be alright. I’m so glad that you’re crap at making a noose.”
He laughed at that, the first time he had laughed genuinely in a while. “Me too. If it’s any consolation I feel pretty stupid.”
She pretended to mull it over and nodded. “Um…yeah, that helps a bit. Are you in pain?”
“I’m a bit sore, but I’ll get over it.”
“Where else are you hurt?”
“A few bruises on my back and chest, but it’s nothing really.”
She didn’t say anything, and put her hand on his cheek tenderly, her eyes filling up with tears of her own. “Breaks my heart to see you like this. How could they do this to you, you don’t bother no one. I just want you well, Danny. I just want you to be alright.”
“And I will be, I promise. I’ve got the best incentive ever.”
She smiled and went to kiss his forehead. At the same moment he looked up, and the kiss landed on his lips instead. He looked at her for a moment, seeking permission, and then kissed her again, properly, a long, lingering kiss and then pulled away, leaving her caught somewhere between bliss and heaven.
When she finally opened her eyes, he was smiling. “I’ve been wondering for a long time what it would be like to kiss you.”
“You have, huh? And?”
“And…wow.”
She grinned. “Yeah…wow.” She sighed. “Don’t want to leave, but I’m going to have to.”
“Yeah. But don’t worry, I promise I’ll be fine. I’m gonna sleep for a bit…”
“Good. So I’ll see you later. After I’ve filled Holly in, and calmed her down. She’s chomping at the bit to meet you, you know. She uh…she brought me here, and she saw you…”
His eyes widened as he processed that. “What? Oh God…and the state of me…”
“Don’t worry about that. She’s worried about you, but she knows you’ll be okay, I promised her I’d sort it.”
“I want to meet her too, but properly, in the right-”
“The right circumstances, better territory. It’s okay, I get it. So does she, so…relax. Um…she asked me to give you something else too. But only on loan, she says you can give it back when you come home.”
He narrowed his eyes, confused but smiling. “What is it?”
Kate reached into her pocket and pulled out a small cuddly rabbit, a little worn and dirty, half of the left ear matted through years of obvious chewing on it. “She’s had this since she was a baby. And she still doesn’t sleep without it close by. When she goes away, she takes it with her. She wanted you to have it, to help you sleep she said. But like I say…she wants it back.”
She placed it in his open hands, and his brow furrowed further, tears spilling down his cheeks. He shook his head and sniffed, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “I brought this for her.”
Kate raised her eyebrows. “You did? I didn’t realise…”
“Yeah, the day I found out Natalie was pregnant. I went out to get us some food, and it was sitting in one of those baskets by the checkout. When um…when she was a baby, she wouldn’t sleep at all without it, wouldn’t even settle. After everything…two things bothered me so much. The thought of her being alone and missing us, crying for her mummy and daddy, and…the idea that they had taken her, but left this, and she wouldn’t be able to settle.”
“She came to us with it; they said they always had a hard job prising it from her fingers. I guess she knew where it came from. Like I say…even now, she goes nowhere overnight without it. I guess she always had a part of you with her, huh? I asked, they said it was okay for you to have it.”
He was silent for a moment, just looking down at the rabbit in his hands. “Thank you…” he said eventually in an exhale. “Thank you so much for looking after her, for loving her. Was she uh…was she a good baby for you?”
“She was. When I first held her, it was like she belonged there, like she belonged to me. We bonded instantly, and it’s always been that way since. She has always been just…the most perfect daughter. She is such a beautiful girl, so smart, and funny, and totally vibrant, you know? You’re gonna love her.”
“I already do…” he said, “just worried what she’s gonna make of me.”
“She’s gonna love you too. You’ll see. Bye Danny.” She stood up, thought for a minute and wheeled the table around to his left side. “Now you don’t need to get up, and you can rest properly.”
“Thanks, Kate.”
She smiled and left without another word, leaving him smiling, in awe of her, his mind alive for the first time in years with happy thoughts, and above all, hope.
* * * *
She left with a spring in her step, happy and excited, two things she had never expected to feel today when she had left the house.
(he loves you)
Those words rung in her ears, and she found herself grinning uncontrollably all the way in the taxi into town. Although she had known for a long time how she felt about him, it had never crossed her mind for a moment that he might feel the same way about her.
She met Holly in a café in the precinct, and she jumped up enthusiastically when she saw her mum.
“How is he, is he alright?”
Kate thought about that and nodded. “Yeah, he will be. We talked a lot, and I think he’s gonna be okay, just with a bit of time. He didn’t really wanna die; he just got really low and went too far. He wants you to know, he didn’t do it because of you, and he wants to know you. He loves you, Holly. He always has.”
She saw Holly visibly relax at that, and she smiled. “Good…that’s good, because I was worried that he…I dunno…”
“I know. It’s not really surprising he slipped, with so much to deal with in a short space of time. And he’s been agonising over something else, too…something he told me today, that he’s been fretting over for ages…”
“What?” Holly asked, frowning and taking a sip from her coffee.
“He uh…well I think he might have told me he loves me.”
Holly frowned. “He might have?”
“He told me he cares a lot about me, like as more than a friend. Yeah, he pretty much told me he’s in love with me.”
Holly spat her coffee out and coughed a little, patting her own back trying to compose herself. “What?”
Kate smiled and nodded. “Yeah, he feels about me the way I feel about him.”
“Oh. My. God!” Holly squealed excitedly, turning a few heads and making Kate laugh, “so…oh please tell me you made it clear to him that you feel the same.”
“I did…”
“And…?”
“And we…kissed.”
“Oh mum…! So are you and he like…like an item now then?”
“Not as such. I mean…I guess sort of, but not much we can do about it for now. Holly, we have got to keep our fingers and toes crossed that he gets this parole, we need to get him out of there.”
“And then what? Did you ask him if he would come and stay with us?”
“I did, and he wants to. But he doesn’t believe he’ll get parole, that’s the bottom line, that’s what’s stressing him so much. I’ve done my best to give him something to focus on, something to aim for, and all we can do now is wait, and hope decisions go in our favour.”
“Is there anything we can do?”
“Just support him, no matter what. Because although he didn’t say it in so many words, never would…he’s frightened, that’s the truth of it. And I can’t say as I blame him.”
“Why was he fretting about loving you?”
Kate shrugged. “I dunno…he was afraid I wouldn’t feel the same. Plus, think about it love. Twenty years loving
his wife, the memory of her. Feeling something for someone new, can’t have been easy to reconcile. I think there was some guilt at play there too.”
“He certainly does the guilt thing really well, doesn’t he?”
“He does, yeah…”
“Do you think he can heal? I mean do you think he’ll ever get over it, move on?”
“Not while he’s still in prison. But, if we can get him out, I think we can help him make something new, that hopefully would come to mean more, you know? I think we’ve got enough love for him to make him feel it, believe it.”
Holly smiled and nodded. “I think so too.”
* * * *
When Danny woke again, he looked to his left, to find a young nurse standing over by the door, reading his notes from a clipboard. He watched her briefly, expecting nothing from her. They came in and out all the time, and the communication was non-existent.
She glanced over and saw he was awake, and to his surprise, smiled.
“Hello Mr Edwards, how are you feeling?”
He frowned. “Are you uh…actually speaking to me?”
She frowned too, puzzled and looked around her. “Uh…yeah, is there some reason I shouldn’t?”
“No…it’s just you’re the first is all.”
“How’d ya mean?”
“Well… I kinda feel like a bug in a jar….like one of those great big horrible spiders. Some people are fascinated, some are curious…some are afraid of me. And some are just out and out repulsed by me…and then you come in, and just talk to me, just like that.”
She smiled again, understanding what he was saying. “I’m not scared of spiders. Or you, for that matter.”
“Good, because there’s nothing to be scared of here.”
She gestured to the police officer by the door. “No? Why’s he there then?”
Danny looked at him too, and shrugged. “Procedure, aint it? Everything is all about procedures, rules and stuff. He probably knows more about my treatments and that then I do. I’m used to being talked about or over, it’s normal for me, but it’s fuckin’ annoying, I tell you. So…ta, for just reminding me, that I’m human after all.”
“You’re welcome I guess…” she said, “your friend stopped by earlier, but had to leave. Mind she stayed well over two hours…”
He frowned again. “Kate was here? What time is it now?”
“Uh…” she looked at her watch, “it’s just turned midnight.”
He raised an eyebrow, stunned. “Damn…I’ve been asleep all day?”
“Pretty much, yeah. You must have needed it.”
He thought about that and nodded. “I haven’t slept that long in one go in…eighteen years…”
The nurse looked at him, hesitating before continuing. “Is that how long you’ve been…?”
“Detained at Her Majesty’s pleasure? Yeah.”
“What uh…what did you do?” she asked, writing something on his notes.
“I killed the man who murdered my wife. I was done for her murder too. It’s a complicated mess.”
“Certainly sounds like it. Kate seems nice. So she’s…”
“My friend. Well…I’ve known her since the summer. She told me she loves me,” he said, and even as the words came out of his mouth he couldn’t believe they were true, “I guess the decent thing to do, would have been to set her free of me, but I sort of feel the same. Selfish huh?”
“Not at all. You’re allowed to have feelings. She was looking at you like you were very important to her. She’s a grown woman, can make her own choices. She said she’ll be back in the morning. And although you’re looking pretty terrible, the doctor is happy to discharge you tomorrow, so I’d make the most of that comfy bed, and sleep as much as you can, Mr Edwards. I have rounds to do, but it’s been nice talking to you.”
“You too…” he said, and he meant it. “Thank you.”
She shrugged. “I’m just doing my job. Can I get you anything before I go? More pain relief?”
“No, I’m okay.”
“Alright. Oh – is this yours?”
She bent down beside his bed, emerging with the letter Kate had given him. He nodded. “Yeah, it is, thanks…”
“Good night, Mr Edwards.”
“I like you…you can call me Danny.” He said with a cheeky, flirty grin and she laughed.
“Danny…you can call me Ruby. And now I really gotta go.”
He nodded. “Yeah, off you go then, and tell the others I aint so bad.”
“I will…” she said, her back to him as she left. The officer stationed on his door glanced in, giving him a look of contempt, and looked away again.
He pulled himself up the bed a little and winced. He ached all over, but he didn’t care, he felt much better.
Kate Marshall loved him, and he loved her. Best of all, it didn’t make him feel guilty like he had thought it would. He had a sense that it was just…right, and that Natalie would think so too. As for his mother – she would be jumping for joy, of that he was sure.
His mind brought back the memory of that awesome kiss, and he smiled again. For a moment there, he had remembered briefly what it was like to be a free man.
He held the letter in his left hand, just looking at it, and without the use of his still tethered right hand, he tore it open with his teeth, and opened it up to read.
Dear Danny,
Hello, how are you? I hope you’re well, I am fine; mum will tell you I always am.
This letter is hard to write because it’s so important to me, and I hope to you too! I don’t usually have trouble thinking of what to say, but this is an exceptional situation, for us both.
Mum told me all about you tonight. About what you did – and didn’t – do, about where you are and the type of person you are.
I think after your reaction (she told me about that too) she was a little afraid that I would freak out, but that’s just not my style. When I get good news I get excited, so naturally I was very excited to find out about you.
Anyway…it is good news to me, because I now understand who I am, and where I came from. That’s so important.
I’m with mum on this by the way – you shouldn’t be in there, because you are not guilty of killing your wife, my mother. And anyone would have done the same to him in your situation. When I think about what you’ve been through, it makes me so sad.
This must be harder for you to take in than me. I don’t remember you, but you have carried the memory of me for eighteen years. I hope I will not be a disappointment to you.
I don’t know what mums told you about me, but I guess you will find out when you are released, if you will agree to come and stay with us. Just be warned, I am known as a livewire, high on life and very energetic.
The most important person in the world to me is mum. We are like sisters. Chris left us five years ago and we don’t hear from him but I don’t care, it’s his loss.
I wish I had gotten to know my real mother, she sounds amazing and I’m sure you were both wonderful parents.
I also feel sure you could still be a father figure to me, there is a vacancy going if you are interested. When I think of you, it’s as a father I see you. I know you’ll say you’re not my real dad, but mum isn’t my real mum and it means nothing, she is still the world to me.
What I’m saying is I’d love to get to know you and have a relationship with you, if you think that’s something you could do. I know we will need time to get to know each other, but I am willing to try if you are, and if you still want me, I want you.
Please think it over and if you reckon you could be someone special to me, you know where to find me, and how to contact me.
Remember…I may be Holly now, but I will always be your Emma, and a girl needs a daddy, no matter how old she gets.
Take care, and I hope we will get to meet soon,
With much affection,
Holly Emma Marshall xxxxx
He put the letter down, and wiped away a couple
of stray tears that had rolled down his cheeks, for once, happy tears. He felt a whole new love for Kate, and a deep respect for the amazing job she had done raising his little girl. He wished he had always known she had had her, and she had been safe and happy, it would have eased so much pain he had felt over the last almost two decades.
He shook it off. Now was not the time for dwelling, now was the time to start looking forward. The idea was both terrifying and wonderful.
* * * *
Kate arrived at the hospital at eight the following morning, and went to go straight in to see him. She was stopped near the door by Mr Marriott, who shook his head.
“Good morning, Ms Marshall. I’m afraid Danny can’t have visitors right now.”
She frowned, confused. “What? Why, is he alright?”
“He’s okay, yeah. He’s been discharged, and we’re just waiting for transport back to the prison.”
“He’s been discharged? Have they not seen the state of him?”
“There’s nothing more the hospital need to do with him. They’ve patched him up, and now it’s all about recovery, which they want nothing to do with, they were never gonna keep him any longer than they needed to. He’ll be going back to the medical wing, where he’ll be well looked after until he’s fully recovered, I promise. Full bed rest.”
“So why can’t I see him?”
“There are certain rules we have to follow. The time between discharge and waiting for transport is classed as a vulnerable time, security wise. He can’t have visitors at that time, and isn’t allowed to interact with anyone that isn’t a member of hospital or prison staff. In short, he’s a flight risk.”
Kate scoffed. “Oh come on, you don’t believe that!”
“No I don’t, but nonetheless I have to follow the procedures. I’m sorry. I will tell him you were here.”
“This is madness, he’s right there. I can tell him myself.”
Guilty Page 27