Guilty

by Heidi J Thomas

  “I have no idea Holly. I guess he might know today, but I don’t know if he’ll be able to tell us. I just need to know, and know he’s alright. He must be so scared.”

  “I’m sure he’s dealt with worse. He’ll be alright, don’t worry.”

  Kate took a final drag from her cigarette, and stubbed it out. “I can’t help it.”

  * * * *

  “Mr Edwards. Records show you have served eighteen years of a life sentence for the murders of Natalie Edwards and Jonathon Lewis. Is that right?” Stern Man asked.

  Danny nodded. “Yes, that’s correct, sir.”

  “You had a shaky start to prison life, but since then your record has been exemplary, until recently, where I see there have been some issues. You were attacked in the association yard, and you also made an attempt on your life. As a result, you have spent some time in the medical wing, receiving counselling and were prescribed antidepressants. Talk us through these events, in your own words.”

  “Okay sir,” Danny thought for a minute. “I had a breakdown. A lot of things happened in a short space of time. I have…a very dear friend, who has been visiting me for a year and a half almost. She has helped me to open up, about things that happened back then, and all that kind of stuff. It really helped me, but it also…made me face up to stuff…feelings and emotions that I had kept hidden for a very long time. Prison life is very hard, every day, and emotions have no place there. I started to crumble a bit. And then my mother died. I only saw her once in eighteen years, just before she died.”

  “Did she choose not to visit you?” Angry Woman asked.

  Danny shook his head. “No, ma’am. I wouldn’t let her visit, wanted her to put me away in her mind and live her life. Only it was a mistake, because we needed each other. I felt guilty when she died, that I wasn’t able to be there for her. That all I ever did was let her down. By then I was on the edge, very fragile. And my friend, with all the best intentions, told me…that she had adopted my – my wife’s child, Emma. And that she is keen to meet me. It freaked me out. There’ll be a report of what happened next, I’m sure. I was attacked through no fault of my own, and the timing couldn’t have been worse. I was punched twice in the face, and kicked while I was down. I had bad bruising to my face, arms, chest, and back and I was very sore and unhappy. It was just too much. I tried to hang myself, regretted it almost instantly, and was very lucky I was quickly found. The medical staff have been brilliant, I feel the counselling has helped, and the medication. If I were to be released, I would want to carry on with some sort of treatment, to make sure I stay as stable as I feel right now and to make sure I don’t relapse into a state of depression. I’ve been working hard to sort my head out.”

  It was Young Man’s turn and he looked up at Danny, self-importantly, almost smugly.

  “With regards to your charges, how do you feel now about what you did back then? The offences you were sentenced for were very serious, hence the length of your minimum term.”

  “I’ll always feel guilty. I didn’t kill my wife, but-”

  “Hang on, you admitted it.” Angry Woman said, living up to the name he had given her. “Towards the end of your trial, you told the court that you killed her.”

  Danny shook his head. “With the greatest of respect, ma’am…I didn’t say that I killed her. I admitted responsibility for her death, because it all happened because of me. But it wasn’t me who stabbed her. He killed her, and I killed him. He was going for me, and she stepped in front of me and was stabbed. I lost control, and I killed him. I know…you won’t believe that. I don’t blame you; it must seem like…I’m trying to…I don’t know…plead innocent. I’m not, I pleaded guilty and I am guilty. I’ll never dispute that, or the length of my sentence. I deserved it. I wouldn’t believe me either. It’s not some sort of tactic, me saying this now. I mean, if I wanted to play tactics, I’d be standing here telling you I killed them both, and I’m full of remorse, a reformed character. Only I don’t know if I ever needed reforming as such. I needed to be punished, and to feel like I had paid for her death. I needed to grow up. And that’s it, just the truth. I’m not sorry I killed him, but her…I’ll always be sorry for what happened to her. She was wife, my best friend, and she was a beautiful young mother who didn’t deserve to die. It’s my fault she did. And I have spent…eighteen years punishing myself for it, every minute of every day. I closed myself down, refused visits, at the start, all those fights…I wanted to get hurt, another way to punish myself. And it’s been hell on earth. But now…whether you have or not…I’m done punishing myself. I can’t change anything - me being in prison can’t change anything. I can only feel sorry, every day, for the part I played in it all…and hope…if there is a heaven, and Nat is there looking down, that she has forgiven me. I was young, hot-headed, foolish and arrogant. I lost my wife and daughter in one go, and nothing else mattered to me. I was…devastated and angry. That was my emotional response to everything – anger.”

  “Your emotional response,” said Young Man, “is it still anger?”

  Danny thought for a minute. “Lately…I’ve taken things out on myself…yes, I’ve been angry with myself, no one else. Now, though…I’m an old man, or I feel it. Too tired, and too drained to put myself through the mill anymore. I’m not dangerous, or volatile…I’m just tired. I’ll have a lifetime of regrets, whether I’m released or die in prison…I was meant to keep her safe, you see? And I didn’t, and she died because of it.” He felt tears welling up and was unable to stop them rolling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, didn’t wanna do this…”

  “Would you like a minute, Mr Edwards?” Angry Woman asked, seeming to soften a little.

  “No, no…I don’t want your sympathy. I’m sorry; I didn’t wanna come here and pretend, put on a front, or turn on the waterworks. I don’t want to try to talk bullshit to you, excuse the language. And I’m not doing any of that. I just want…you all to understand what and who you’re dealing with here, warts and all. I’m not a good person; I haven’t been a good person. I’ve done…terrible things. But I want to be a good person, I want to be. I need a chance from you, I need you to take a chance on me, and I won’t mess it up. There’s too much at stake.”

  They talked amongst themselves, leaving him standing nervously again, still fighting with the feeling that he wanted to cry. Stern Man looked up first.

  “If you were to be released, what are your plans?”

  “Um…the friend I was talking about…she has offered me a home. And my mother left me a large sum of money, to make sure if I was ever released I could be stable. So my plan would be to just live as quiet and peaceful a life as I can, being an all-round better man then I was back then. I want to feel stable and settled. That’s all I want to happen.”

  They talked again, mumbling away, and then Slightly-Less Angry Woman nodded.

  “Okay Mr Edwards…there are several options open to us today. We can turn down your parole application, meaning you would return to prison to continue your sentence, for seven further years. We can suspend your release for as long as we like, usually until we are shown in some way that you are definitely ready for release. Or, we can grant parole, meaning full release under license. We are going to need some time to discuss this case. There is a room next door, if I could ask your escort to take you through there, and we will call you back in when we have reached a decision.”

  Danny nodded nervously. “Thank you, ma’am.”

  * * * *

  He sat with Mr Marriot in the waiting room, back to fiddling with his handcuffs, wishing he could smoke in here. An hour had passed, and neither man had really spoken, both with no idea quite what to say. It was Danny who eventually broke the silence.

  “I had to be honest. I bet they get people in here all the time feeding them crap about being a changed man, full of remorse. All the time, right?”

  Mr Marriot nodded. “I’m sure they do, Danny.”

  “I did the right thing, right?”

/>   “I don’t know, Danny. I really don’t know. I guess we’ll find out soon enough. I think you did the right thing being honest; it’s just a question of how they perceive it. Whether they believe you, or think you were trying it on.”

  “Do you believe me? About my wife?”

  Mr Marriot smiled. “Danny, you didn’t say anything in there I didn’t already know.”

  Danny looked at him, surprised. “Really?”

  “Of course, I’ve been in this job long enough to know what’s what. Do you think I would have tried to help you, if I thought you were guilty? I know you don’t belong there, never have. So anyway…how’s things with Kate now, she hasn’t been to see you in a while.”

  “They’re fine. We agreed it might be best to let me do the last bit on my own, get my head straight. If I don’t get parole, we’ll rethink, but if I do…I tell you what, I’m scared to think about it, it’s so great. We love each other, see? Totally by accident, and took us both by surprise, but…we do. Looks like I might get a second chance at family life. So now I’m feeling a little bit stupid about risking it. Should’ve played it safe, I think. I just…don’t wanna lie to them or to me, or to anyone. I wanna do things right.”

  “I can understand that. And it may well have worked. I don’t know about you, but I was finding it hard to read them, though the woman seemed to have a bit of a change of heart towards the end, or at least she took that serious look off her face.”

  Danny nodded. “Yeah, I noticed that too. It could be wishful thinking though. When I walked in and looked at them, I just thought…oh jeez. I couldn’t have asked for a worse panel to decide this for me. Looked like they hated me, they seemed so…cold.”

  “They weren’t gonna give anything away with their expressions. They want to make it as hard as possible for you to read anything from them.”

  Danny smiled. “They managed that. I aint got a clue where I stand.”

  Mr Marriot thought for a minute. ‘Have you put any thought into how it will feel, if you do get released? I’ll be over the moon for you, but I’m a bit worried too. Don’t forget, you’ve been diagnosed with depression, and it won’t be easy, even with such great support from Kate, just because you’ve been inside so long. I know you hate it, God knows how people last in that place…but you’ll be used to it. It’ll be a shock to the system, being out in the world again. Do you think you’ll manage?”

  “I think I will, in time. I get what you’re saying. I’m gonna take it slow, and Kate understands it may not always be sunshine and flowers while I adjust…but…I’m so ready now. Last year…any other year…I’d have crumbled if I’d been released. But just lately, I feel like I’ve turned a corner. There’s…there’s something to live for again, you see. I just uh…” he let out a deep, shaky sigh, “I just really wanna know now, one way or another. Am I still in…or am I out.”

  Mr Marriot looked at him and frowned. “Are you alright, Danny? You’ve gone really pale.”

  Danny nodded, although suddenly he didn’t feel well. “Yeah, I’m okay. It’s hot in here, aint it?”

  He shrugged. “A little. Here.” He got up and went to a vending machine in the corner of the room, rooted in his pocket for change, and got a bottle of water, handing it to Danny. “Have a drink and take deep breaths.”

  Danny nodded appreciatively, and took a sip of the water. “Thanks. Been feeling a bit…shaky lately, and hot and bothered, you know? It’s probably just the stress and nerves.”

  “Possibly. But either way this goes, I think you should be checked out by a doctor, yeah?”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right, sir. How long have we been sitting here?”

  Mr Marriot looked at his watch. “An hour and twenty-two minutes, they really are taking their time, huh?”

  As he said that, the door opened and a man stuck his head round the door. “They’re ready for you now.”

  Danny stood up, and Mr Marriot stood up too. “Good luck, Danny. You’ve done your best, yeah? Hope it goes your way.”

  * * * *

  “Mr Edwards, sorry to have kept you waiting.” Young Man said.

  Danny nodded. “It’s quite alright, sir.”

  “We are going to explain to you some of the things we have discussed first, and then we will tell you our decision, okay?”

  “Yes sir.”

  Young Man gestured to Stern Man, who nodded and consulted his notes.

  “Mr Edwards…you have been brought before us today as an inmate eligible for parole, having served eighteen years of a twenty-five year sentence for two murders. Your prison record is good, and you have been given two very good references from your wing and prison governors. The crimes you committed were…extremely serious. You told us today, that you didn’t actually kill your wife. I expect you have been wondering whether we believe you with regards to that or not. The fact is, it doesn’t matter what we chose to believe. That information is irrelevant. We base our decision on facts, Mr Edwards, legal facts. And the fact is, you pleaded guilty to two murders, and you were sentenced for two murders. Therefore, we have not taken this part of your testimony into consideration.”

  Danny closed his eyes briefly,

  (this aint sounding good, oh Jeez they’re gonna turn you down cause you tried to be a smart arse, idiot!)

  “The decision we made today, had to be based on two things only. Do we believe it is safe for the public for us to release you? And also…have you been sufficiently punished for the crimes you committed? Today we found you to be a very articulate man, who is very aware of his errors, who has deep regret and remorse for his actions, and a man with a very real understanding of the severity of his crimes. We believe the situation you were in was a very unique one, and that you would pose no threat to society if released. So…the last question we asked ourselves, was did we think you were ready for release. Our concern is that you are receiving on-going treatment for depression, and that you might not possess at this point in time, the strength, or capabilities, to cope with life outside prison, having been incarcerated for so many years. With this is mind, we considered a mental health assessment be enforced, with a view to you remaining in custody for at least another six months whilst this was done, a decision to then be made based on a medical report of your emotional state.”

  “Sir, if I may-”

  “Please allow me to finish, Mr Edwards, and do not speak unless directed to do so.”

  Danny nodded, though he was desperate to speak again, he could sense where this was leading and he felt sick and light-headed again, as though he might pass out with all the suspense and tension.

  “However, as we have it on good authority that you have somewhere stable to live if you were released, and a support network waiting to help you through the difficult transition back into everyday life…we have decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. Mr Edwards, this panel has voted unanimously to release you, on licence, with certain conditions that you must adhere to.”

  Danny let out a sharp gasp, stunned to hear the words he hadn’t truly dared to believe would be spoken today, and felt his legs buckling, just managing to stay upright to hear the rest of what they had to say.

  Angry Woman looked up. “You must provide authorities with a permanent fixed address. You must meet with your parole officer once a week, for six months. And most importantly, if you are charged and found guilty of any offence - however minor - within the next two years, you could find yourself serving the remainder of this sentence – seven years – on top of any other sentence given, at the courts discretion. Do you understand these conditions, Mr Edwards?”

  He cleared his throat and nodded erratically, totally overwhelmed. “Yes ma’am, thank you all…so much. Um…if I may ask how long…?”

  “That will depend on how long it takes the prison to sort out your paperwork. It can be up to a week, maybe less. This hearing is now closed.”

  * * * *

  Mr Marriot shook Danny’s hand cheerfully. “Congratula
tions, Danny. It’s brilliant news.”

  Danny smiled broadly. “Thanks. I can’t believe this is happening! I can’t believe I gotta go back there though, this’ll be the longest few days of my life while I wait.”

  “I’ll try and see if I can do anything to hurry things along.”

  “‘Thanks, I appreciate all your help.”

  “It was you who did it for yourself today, Danny. You gonna call Kate when you get back?”

  “It would have been nicer to tell her to her face, but she’ll be going out of her mind waiting for news, so yeah I think I will.”

  “Well officially you’re a free man now, pending the paperwork going through, so I think they might allow a visit.”

  “Today?”

  “I think so, yeah. Are you prepared to see her, do you know what you’re gonna say?”

  “Uh…I’ll have to give it some thought. I aint seen her in months, missed her like mad. She’s gonna freak out you know. I just hope…now it’s actually real…she don’t have a change of heart.”

  “Don’t be daft. You said it yourself – she loves you.”

  Danny grinned. “Yeah. Yeah, she does, don’t she?”

  “Here’s the car. Let’s get back, and I’ll try my best to pull some strings.”

  * * * *

  Three hours later he stood in his cell, looking out the window at the glorious sunshine, feeling more at peace than he ever had in two decades.

  His view was only of the gate, and vaguely the city in the distance, but today it looked beautiful with the sun on it, and soon he was going to be a part of it.

  The door was unlocked, and Mr Marriot stuck his head round it, smiling.

  “Follow me.” He did, down the corridor to a room at the end. ‘This room isn’t in use at the minute, so I commandeered it. It’s the old staff room, no locks, but I know I can trust you, aint like you’re gonna escape now, is it? Just be careful what you do, you aint a free man just yet. You’ve got half an hour, okay?”

  Danny nodded his appreciation, took a deep breath and went in. The room was quite large, with a sofa and a TV on one wall, and a kettle and fridge in the corner. The windows sat open, letting in some air on what was a very stuffy day, and it was the first time in a very long time that he had looked through one that didn’t have bars. Kate was pacing up and down, biting her nails.