He gestured for me to walk with him. We walked a short way to a fairly new, dark silver Audi. Now, this was what I was saying about just buying the top of the line.
“Nice car,” I said half-heartedly. Not the time to be sullen, but I couldn’t help it. Some people had it all.
He kept quiet. Wise.
“You can change the station if you want.” He indicated the radio as he settled into his plush leather seat. Some sort of country was playing.
“It’s fine,” I said, still with a shitty attitude.
I saw the coffee shop he was talking about as it whizzed by.
“You missed the coffee place,” I said without feeling.
“Do you mind if we go someplace quieter?”
“Are you planning to take me out to the dessert to murder me? Cause if so, I would really rather head to the coffee shop.”
He chuckled. “I had not planned that, no. One death is enough for today.”
“One death?”
He looked at me with mischief in his piercing eyes. “Your car. Being in the hospital parking lot didn’t help it any.”
“Oh. That’s what happens in hospitals. People die.”
“That’s a pretty morbid assessment. People are born in them, too.”
“It is morbid. My dad died in a hospital. His body was riddled with cancer and tumors by the end.” I looked out at the buildings and trees flying by. “He was in the hospital off and on for about two years. I can only think of that experience whenever I walk into one. God only knows what I am going to do if I ever get pregnant.”
“I’m sorry. It must have been hard to visit Gladis.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know why I just told you that.”
“I’m glad you did.”
I didn’t have the energy to scoff.
We passed the next while in silence. I absently switched the radio to a top 40 station. We were leaving the city by this time and I turned to look at him.
“It was nice of you and your family to visit Gladis. Her children have only called. None have shown up.”
“I suspect she’ll have quite a few visitors in the next couple days. Mark my words, when she’s back to full health she’ll throw a party to thank everyone for coming. Her parties used to be something to look forward to.”
“I hope she doesn’t throw herself down the stairs next time just to have a party after.”
“She just might.” He paused for a minute, then, “You two seem to be pretty close.”
“Yeah. She looks after me. In this town I have apparently needed it. I owe her a lot.”
“I doubt that. She needs companionship just as you do. I told you how she talked about you.”
We went up a hill and turned off the road to a smaller hill. We followed that up to the top and turned off again. He parked and got out. I followed suit.
This little spot over-looked pasture land with cows spread out below us. The sun had started its slow dive to the horizon millions of miles away. There was a splattering of clouds in an otherwise clear sky.
“It is beautiful,” I said.
“It is. I come up here when I need to be away from the city and farm. Do you mind sitting on the ground?”
“Not at all. I am obviously not in my finest.”
He chuckled and we sat, overlooking the valley.
“I am sorry if I hurt you last night. And the night at Froggy’s,” he said softly.
“William, I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I need to say this, Jessica. I behaved badly and I need to explain.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Please, Jessica.” He was half begging. I wasn’t sure if my new defense of numb could stand up to this.
I nodded once. He continued. “At Froggy’s, I enjoyed dancing with you. I might have enjoyed it a bit too much, which was the reason for what I said. I shouldn’t have made a spectacle of you like that in front of everybody. People might have thought less of you because of me. I am not in a position in my life to be tied down with anyone right now. I am at the beginning of a few enterprises that need my constant attention.” He paused and let out his breath.
Here it comes.
“I am being groomed to take over the business, I have my breeding things going and I have obligations. I wanted to get all that under way before I got involved with anybody.”
“William, I am not looking to get involved with you.” Anymore. “Quite the contrary, actually.”
He hung his head a little. “I’m coming to that.” He took a deep breath and continued, “I haven’t had the problem of being attached since I broke up with my longtime girlfriend five years or more ago. First love and all that.” He shook his head. “It went on longer than it should have, and since then I banished women for the most part. Not from my bed, but... It was how I wanted it. My priorities were set and life was on track. Which was working quite well…until an impossibly gorgeous young lady walked into me and then dove head first into a pile of dog food.”
My head snapped up. His body was bowed over his knees, his eyes downcast, staring at his shoes.
Before I could form words, he kept going. “I saw you the whole time, of course. I was actually walking out to my car when I saw you walking in. I pretended to forget something and hurried to head you off. I wanted a closer look. When you did the triple back flip and came up laughing and embarrassed, I thought I had never seen anyone so beautiful in all my life. So carefree and alive.
“I didn’t want to just take you home for the night, which had been my embarrassing and non-gentlemanly default up until that point. I wanted to talk to you. Meet you. Take you out. That was confusing for me because it hadn’t happened in five years. But I knew it wouldn’t work. There is no way I can fit courting a woman into my life. There is just too much going on.”
I noticed he had slipped into present tense, and quickly dashed the glimmer of hope that had wormed its way into my head.
“I wanted to keep you at an arm’s distance,” he continued, pain returning to his face and filtering into his voice, “since the timing of you in my life was all wrong. Then there was the obvious problem of your not being in high society—well, not a problem for me, I can assure you, but my mother would pitch a fit. I’m sure it sounds stupid, but she always suspects women of going for my wallet.”
He looked out over the valley. I watched emotions playing across his face as he thought about how to phrase what he would say next. He wasn’t trying to hide anymore, he was opening up with his words and his inner feelings. I was in rapt attention.
“After seeing you a few times I knew I wasn’t doing well keeping away from you. When I didn’t see you physically I thought about you. About your voice, your funny outbursts, the way you walk, all of it. All of you.”
As he paused, I took a moment to reflect. Was I seriously sitting here in my holy sweats hearing the Golden God tell me he thought about me? It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be happening... Did I drop some acid at the hospital without knowing it?
So maybe not reflecting as much as freaking out. I silenced my inner monologue as he went on.
“At the rodeo--" His jaw clenched. I could see he was reliving later in the night, when he wasn’t watching me so close. Like Adam, he hadn’t forgiven himself for that. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t his job—to him, he’d failed me. He slightly shook his head, not wanting to dwell. Not at the moment, anyway. I had a feeling he did plenty of that on his own time.
“That night in the trailer,” he went on, “you tossed and turned and called out for me. I went to the bed to see if you needed anything. You curled up into my arms. A perfect angel. Bitter sweet. I knew you deserved better, but I wanted for all the world to be with you.”
“William...” I desperately wanted to hear more, but this was obviously painful for him. It was killing me to see his turmoil, especially when all was forgiven. He liked me! I would deal with not being able to have him because his life was too busy, but it wasn’t me. It wasn’t my faults,
this time.
“Let me finish, Jess. I owe you all the truth, regardless of how you feel about me. I have to explain.” He was still avoiding my gaze. “At Froggy’s I was barely keeping a leash on myself that whole night. I wanted to be near you, to touch you... I was holding tight to what little self-control I could muster. Everyone saw right through me, but for once I didn’t give a shit.
“When I thought you left with that…with your date, I tried to move on to other distractions. I tried to control the anger and jealousy. But you didn’t leave. And every time I saw you I wanted you. Even when you taunted me,” he laughed to himself. “Not often a girl does that, but still, I was bursting to share the joke. Then came the dance off...” He shook his head and finally looked at me. The raging desire in his sparkling sun infused eyes was plain.
“I thought it would be a fun amusement. Usually only chicks vying for attention did them, but why not? It would be funny. A way to interact with you without eyes watching. But, seeing you dance... My God you can move your body, Jessica. I lost control immediately. All of it. I couldn’t stop myself, couldn’t help myself. Pardon my frankness, but I wanted to rip off your clothes and have my way with you.” His face went red and he half shrugged. “I know I shouldn’t say that, but it was true. Lord in heaven... I meant what I said. I thought I shamed you with my actions; my desire. You are dangerous to me, Jessica. I have no self-control around you. I would bend over backwards to make you smile.”
His whole body heaved in a sigh. But he continued. “I decided I was going to say something about my feelings the next time I saw you. Ask you out. I had to. It couldn’t go on like this. But then you disappeared. You stopped coming around. It was like the light went out of my life. The fun out of my nights.
“I kept trying to get Ty to get Candace to invite you out with us. I was trying to be sly about it. Adam asked what I had said to you on the dance floor. That I probably brought this on myself. That’s when I knew what I said must have hurt you. I humbly apologize for that. It was not my intention.”
The sun was blazing its last as it slipped beneath the horizon. The sky was a fury of color.
I went to move to him, beyond speech now. Somewhere along the way I started crying. The hurt he caused me was acute, but seeing that he had felt the same way killed me. All that pain had been needless.
I forgave him for it, of course, knowing now that he was trying to do what he thought was the right. Trying not to hurt me, but killing us both in the process. I just wanted to be held. For all this pain and uncertainty to go away.
I still didn’t know if he resigned himself to accepting me into his life, or was just explaining the hurt so I knew. Him pushing me away now might kill me, but it would be a better pain knowing that he at least cared for me rather than thinking I wasn’t good enough.
“Almost done, Jess,” he said, looking out over the valley once more. “I had hoped to see you in the hospital. I saw your car in the parking lot and was determined to talk to you. Talk to you as I am doing now. You left so quickly, though, I thought the damage had been done, and you were done with me. The news of you leaving...” He took a ragged breath. I did, too; tears freely rolling down my face. “I had a bunch of work to do, so I wasn’t going to go out, until I got a text from Adam saying you were on your way to the bar. I even told Adam to go for you if you would have him, to keep you in Texas. To at least keep you close. He refused, though. Didn’t say why. I think he is overly fond of you. You are one of his favorite people, so I am not sure why he wouldn’t try for you.
“To end my rambling diary, I heard how desolate you sounded when you talked about...being touched.” William turned toward me, his whole body opening to me. “Jessica, I am so sorry if I caused any of that. I am so sorry if I caused you pain.” He went to reach to me, to wipe tears from my face, but he held himself in check. “I do want to be there for you, if even as just a friend. I hate to see you cry. Do you remember at the rodeo when you were back behind the trailer with the jazz music?”
I nodded mutely.
“I will always be that guy for you. I will always hold you when things get to be too much. Even if you move on and start a family, or I do God willing, I will always be there to hold your hand if you need me. That is a promise from a Davies man, no matter what.”
I could see the honesty in his face, in his body. He meant it. I could love another, but he would come if I called. That touched me deeply. Deeper then I knew I went.
He hung his head. “That is me, laying bare my soul for you. I am sorry for thinking lustful thoughts of you. I don’t know your feelings for me, but I won’t trouble you anymore if you like another. I won’t stand in your way if your goal is to leave. I just thought I should finally be truthful.”
I was quiet for a moment, letting the crickets around us fill the void. Letting the soft breeze dry my tears. He liked me the whole time. The whole time. I simply couldn’t believe it.
I laid back on the brittle ground and looked up at the darkening sky. Life was a bitch, wasn’t it? I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to start. I didn’t know how quickly I could get him into my bed.
“William, William. What a twisted web we weave.” He was looking down at me, his face lost to shadow.
“I guess it is my turn, huh?” I asked into the following silence. “Isn’t that how this works? Vulnerability for vulnerability?”
“No, Jess. I ask nothing in return.” I barely heard him he said it so softly.
I took a deep breath. Here goes.
I told him why I had fallen into the dog food. How I kept thinking he didn’t want me, and how much that hurt, but how the hope lingered until last night when I finally gave up. He looked at me like he wasn’t believing what he was hearing, until I got to that part. Then resignation took its place. Still, he listened.
I told him all, just as he told me. How I viewed him as my safety net, my strong place. What everyone always said about him, me thinking the whole thing was impossible, but not being able to put the feeling of him around me aside. I spared nothing for embarrassment sake.
I finished with, “I was aware of every single time you were near. I honed in on you and watched your movements. Had you kissed me at the rodeo, had you torn off my clothes in the middle of the dance floor, I would have given myself willingly. Eagerly. So yeah, I’ve always wanted you. You can only be hurt deeply if you cared deeply in the first place.”
“Did I blow it? Did I ruin any chance I might have had?” Hh asked tentatively.
“Are you asking because you want to have sex with me, or because you want something possibly a little more permanent?”
“Frankly...both.”
My stomach did a back-flip. I didn’t know if I truly believed it, but I was a fool if I didn’t give it a shot.
Goosebumps spread over my body. Numbness gone. I was suddenly nervous. I was trembling all over. It was like the anticipation of my first kiss.
I sat up slowly.
He scooched toward me just as slowly and grazed his hand across my forehead to clear my hair from my face. He traced his index finger down my cheek and along my jaw. With it he lifted my chin slightly and leaned in. His face was inches from mine. His eyes reached into me. I licked my lips in anticipation. He smiled a ghost of a smile and closed the rest of the gap.
His soft lips touched mine in an exploring way. He backed his head up a bit and looked at me again, then leaned in and kissed me a little harder. He opened my mouth and probed with his tongue.
I responded with all the frustration and want from the last couple months. I brought my hands up his toned arms and leaned into the kiss aggressively, putting my arms around his neck. He met my demand, and increased it.
One of his hands rested on the side of my face, the other around my back, bringing our bodies closer. He kissed down my neck, then up to my ear. I moaned in pleasure and felt the playing muscles on his back. I went to the bottom of his shirt and put my hand inside, on his bare skin.
> He sighed softly into my ear and gently pushed me away. “If I don’t stop now, I won’t stop at all,” he said.
“I’m okay with that. I’ve wanted this for a long time.”
He looked at me intensely. He traced my neck with his hand as he stared intently into my eyes. He looked around us at the hard packed dirt. Then back at me. I thought for sure we were going all the way right now, right here.
“I want you so bad, Jessica. But not here.”
“Why? It’s perfect. Secluded…”
He laughed. “It’s not that secluded. There is a road up here ‘n all.” He laughed again and brushed my lips with his.
“We’ll be quick.”
“For one, I don’t want to be quick. The opposite, actually.” He backed away and stood up, offering me a hand to get up with him. “For two, it’s dirty and we don’t have a blanket. And three,” he led me to the car where he opened the door for me. “I have to be out at the ranch tonight. Bull riding practice. I want all night with you when we... you know.”
I smirked. “When what? What do I know?”
He leaned his rock hard body against me and put his lips near my ear. “When we share my bed.” He took my ear lobe into his mouth and sucked lightly. He started kissing my neck, then back to my lips. I held onto him tightly and ran my hands across his pecks, then up to his hair.
I pushed him back suddenly and violently. Shock and confusion spread across his face. “What was with that faked boob girl you took home?” I demanded.
Embarrassment replaced the shock and he started laughing in loud guffaws. He put his arms around me—I resisted halfheartedly.
“I had to have some release after dancing with you. Do you think me a brute?”
“Yes. She was disgusting.”
“Beer goggles helped that. What was with you and that idiot Matt?”
“I needed a hobby. And I didn’t take my clothes off for him.”
“You didn’t?”
“Ew. No.”
He looked mad.
“Why?” I asked.
“I heard you did. I’ll end that rumor right quick.”
William leaned in to kiss me again. Things got steamy in a hurry. He put his leg between mine. I pulled his lower back against me and leaned back against the car. We made out for a second before he backed off again, panting.
Breene, K F - Jessica Brodie Diaries 01 Page 24