In a Lifetime

by Ariadne Wayne

  Vanessa appeared in the doorway. Ella and Sam had kept the bridal party small, with me as the best man and her as the bridesmaid. It went with the simplicity of our surroundings and the small congregation.

  Vanessa was dressed in a dark blue dress with her trademark plaits brushed out. Vanessa couldn’t be less like Ella if she tried, her hair completely straight, and she looked out from under her fringe, catching my eye and smiling as she walked toward us.

  In the background, Ella appeared.

  Sam gasped at the sight of her. Smiling proudly, she walked up the aisle, her gaze fixed on Sam. I glanced at him. He was as transfixed as I was at the perfect woman who now came toward us.

  Jealousy burned in my veins, but I held it in, smiling at Ella as she drew closer. She took a deep breath, joining Sam at the altar as he took her arm.

  I’d never wanted her so much.

  Her father stepped aside, and I forced a smile as they exchanged vows, promising to love one another for the rest of their lives. My only contribution was the handing over of the rings. I hated this feeling. Hated that I still wanted her.

  Afterward, as they made their way down the aisle hand in hand as man and wife, Vanessa took my hand in hers and squeezed it, giving me a reassuring smile as we followed them out of the church

  We stood through photos, but all I wanted was a drink, something to take away this shitty feeling.

  When we sat in the marquee for dinner and toasts, I gulped back the glass of champagne waiting for me, the waitress spotting me and rushing over to refill it quickly. No one else noticed, and I sat as the bride and groom made their entrance, Sam sitting next to me with Ella on the other side.

  And then it was time for me to speak. I’d spent weeks writing my speech over and over again, trying to sum up how much I loved both of them. It was so easy, and yet one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do.

  I stood. “For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. Sam is my brother, or at least the closest thing I could have had to one. We grew up together, and I was there the night Sam and Ella met. Although, I kind of wish I wasn’t.”

  Sam and Ella both looked at me with raised eyebrows. I chuckled to myself. “They were drawn to one another immediately, and you would have needed a crowbar to pull them apart.”

  Gentle laughter filled the tent, and the smiles on everyone’s faces told me they saw how much Sam and Ella loved one another.

  “Ella quickly became both Sam’s great love and my friend. I couldn’t ask for anyone better to be marrying him. She’s about as perfect as they get.” I looked down at Ella. Tears welled in her eyes, and her mouth was twisting as if she was torn between smiling and crying.

  “I’ve missed them both since they moved into their own place. Especially Sam’s annoying habit of taking my last beer, and Ella’s cooking. But I know that they’ll be happy in their life together, even if I’m not around to bug the hell out of them.”

  At that Ella grinned, burying her face in Sam’s chest as he stroked her shoulder

  “I love you guys, and I would like to ask that everyone join me in a toast to Sam and Ella.”

  “Sam and Ella.” The sound went up throughout the marquee, and everyone raised his or her glass.

  Vanessa sat on the other side of Ella, eying me as I smiled at her. What about me? she mouthed.

  “Oh. And I can’t forget Vanessa for being such an exceptional bridesmaid. If I do, she might kill me in my sleep.”

  At that Ella smiled, and Vanessa sat back, a satisfied look on her face. As I sat, Sam slapped me on the back.

  “Thanks, man. That was awesome.”

  “I mean it. I’m really going to miss you two.”

  Ella narrowed her eyes. “Why? We’re not going anywhere.”

  Sam kissed the top of her head. “Matt’s going away for a couple of years. Around Europe or something. I don’t know all the details. He sprang it on me last night.”

  She swallowed hard as she said nothing, her gaze fixed on me, the colour fading from her cheeks.

  “What?”

  “I want to do something different for a while. I’ll be back.”

  Stabbing pains grew in my stomach at her sudden change in demeanour. I hadn’t planned to tell her this way, but now Sam had brought up the subject, there was no getting around it.

  “Where are you going?” Vanessa’s voice came from behind Ella. Trust her to be listening.

  “England at first, then I’ll do some backpacking. Find my way around a few more countries until I run out of money and it’s time to come home again.”

  “Jealous,” she exclaimed.

  I leaned over to kiss Ella on the cheek, her head still resting on Sam’s chest. “I’ll be back,” I murmured.

  “I know. It’s so out of the blue. You surprised me.” She gave me a small smile, lifting her head to look at her husband. “Guess we’ll just have to put up with one another.”

  Her grin returned as he kissed her.

  “I think we can manage that.”

  WITH THE BRIDAL dance came my chance to escape the suffocating marquee. Ella and Sam only had eyes for one another, and I slipped out, sitting on the grass at a distance from the big tent. One side had been rolled up, and I could see the dancing from where I sat.

  I took deep breaths, and leaned back on my arms, looking up at the sky. Not a cloud in sight, and I got yet another stunning view of the stars.

  “It sucks, huh?” Vanessa’s voice came from behind, and I turned to see her approaching, a can of Coke in each hand.

  “What sucks?” I took one can as she offered it to me. “Cheers.” I popped the tab and clanked my can with hers. It fizzed over the edge and onto the grass.

  “Idiot.” She laughed, sitting down beside me. “Ella marrying a douchebag. That’s what sucks. I know you think it too.” She smiled. “I guess you don’t know a lot of people here—most of them are my family’s friends.”

  I nodded. “I know Sam’s parents obviously, and a couple of their friends. But me? I’m forever alone.”

  Vanessa grinned. “I’m glad you came to stay with us. You’re the best part of this whole thing.” As I sighed, she touched my hand. “I’m not flirting with you; I’m really glad Ella has you as a friend. And I think you’re my friend too now.”

  “For sure, squirt.” I tapped her on the nose as she laughed.

  “Besides, I have a kind-of boyfriend at school.”

  “Really? Why isn’t he here?”

  She took a sip of her drink. “I’m playing hard to get.”

  I nudged her shoulder with mine, smiling at her sudden shyness as she looked at her feet. “Good for you. Keep it that way.”

  “Can I keep you while they go back home?” She leaned her head on my shoulder, and we watched the wedding reception at a distance. Sam and Ella danced slowly, wrapped up in one another as if no one else was around them. I couldn’t help but smile at two people so in love and happy.

  “Sorry. I’m going on a trip.”

  “Is it because of them?”

  “No. Well, maybe a little. I’ve spent the last couple of years with those two, but now they’re married; they need time to settle into that. So I can stay and feel like I’m in the way, or I can go out and see the world.”

  Vanessa sighed. “I want to do that some day.”

  “Grow up a little more and you can.”

  She raised her head, rolling her eyes. “I wish I was a couple of years older, then you might take me seriously.”

  I grinned. “I take you very seriously, Vanessa. I’m sure in time, when you’re allowed to spread your wings, you’ll soar.” I yelped as she squeezed my arm tightly. “You’ve got one really firm grip.”

  “I wish you were marrying Ella.” She sighed as she leaned her head back on my shoulder.

  I turned, kissing the top of her head. In the distance, the music played, reminding me of where I was, but I could have easily slept under the stars even with the chill in the air.

&nb
sp; I had to go.

  11

  ELLA

  “Are you coming back to bed?”

  Ella closed her eyes as Sam’s voice came from the bedroom. It was day three of their week-long honeymoon, and in the beach house they’d rented, they’d spent those first three days in bed.

  “I need food,” she yelled back, a smile on her face.

  She also needed a break. Their celebrations had gone late into the night every night since they’d been married, and what she really craved now was sleep.

  Sam’s footsteps padded toward her on the tiled kitchen floor, his arms wrapping around her waist. He nuzzled the back of her neck. “Damn it, I got a mouthful of hair,” he said, laughing as he pulled away.

  “That’s what you get for being impatient.”

  “What are you cooking?”

  She turned, pushing past him to get to the fridge. “French toast. I’m starving after expending all that energy.”

  “I don’t think we’ve expended enough.” Sam grabbed her wrist, pulling her closer, tugging at the hem of the T-shirt she wore.

  “Sam, I mean it. We need to eat.”

  “Let’s have a baby, Ell.”

  She caught her breath, staring at him, searching his eyes for some sign of a joke. He was straight-faced, his blue eyes staring into hers.

  “Where did that come from?”

  “We’ve got the house, and if I pick up some adult night classes we can live on my salary for a while. I want us to have a baby.”

  Ella bit her bottom lip, looking at him, still unsure if he was joking or not.

  “We talked about this being a future thing.”

  “You said you always wanted kids. So do I. I can’t think of any reason to wait,” he said, his lips twitching, giving her a small smile.

  “Yes, but …” Ella trailed off and glanced out the window. On the beach was a family, parents and two young children. They ventured into the water before running back to their mother and father screaming. “I just didn’t think we’d have them so soon. I thought we’d spent time being us first.”

  “I don’t want to wait. You’ll make an amazing mum.”

  She took a deep breath, meeting his gaze.

  “Ella? Please don’t leave me hanging.”

  “I don’t know.”

  He wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing his body against hers. She rolled her eyes as his erection pressed against her stomach. “Again?”

  Sam grinned. “Again. Always. Come on, wife.”

  Ella switched off the stove element as she followed her husband back to the bedroom. He lay on the bed, waiting for her as she stripped off her panties, and impaled herself on him.

  “Can’t wait either, huh?”

  She giggled, leaning over to kiss him as he pushed her T-shirt up to her neck. She flipped it over her head as he stroked her skin, placing his hands on her shoulders so he could kiss her breasts, lapping at each nipple before letting her up again.

  “I love seeing you naked,” he murmured.

  She blushed, her cheeks an inferno at his compliment.

  “Do you remember that first night we were together?” He cupped a breast in each hand, running his thumbs over them. Ella closed her eyes. This was the same position they’d been in, always Sam’s favourite.

  “How can I forget that. The living room floor?”

  “Matt walking in.”

  If Ella’s cheeks had been hot before, they were blistering now at the memory of the cool air that had hit her body as the front door had opened. But that hadn’t woken her out of her dreamy haze as she rode Sam. It was Sam speaking up, asking Matt to shut the door that had stopped her.

  Matt had stood there, not knowing where to look as she’d crossed her arms. Afterward, Sam had taken her to his bed and said one sentence that had sealed the deal.

  “Don’t ever be embarrassed at someone seeing your body. It’s a work of art.” It might have sounded trite, but he’d been sincere in his delivery.

  He groaned as he came, and she leaned over, kissing him softly.

  “Yes,” she said.

  “Yes what?”

  “I want to have a baby with you.”

  Sam grinned, rolling them both onto their sides facing one another as he kissed her.

  “I want to give you the world,” he said, pushing her hair back off her face.

  “I still want breakfast.”

  MATT WAS LEAVING. It was the one thing on Ella’s mind as she returned to normal life. Everything seemed to happen at once. No sooner were they back from their honeymoon, but Matt was packed and ready to go.

  What if he didn’t come back?

  It wasn’t even so much that he was going, but that he’d never said a thing about it. The way she’d found out stung.

  Matt was supposed to be one of her best friends.

  She drove to his apartment, wanting to know more about his journey without giving Sam the chance to derail the conversation and distract her from what she wanted to know.

  Ella knocked, and Matt smiled as he opened the door. “Ella. What are you doing here? Is Sam with you?”

  Behind him in the small living room were stacks of boxes. This was really it.

  “No, only me. I wanted to see you before you left.”

  He nodded, stepping back to let her inside. She followed, closing the door behind her. His apartment was small, just the living room, kitchenette, bedroom and bathroom. With everything packed, it looked so much bigger.

  “Sorry, all the furniture’s gone. I sold it. Two more nights in this place and then I’m out of here, so I’m camping on the floor.”

  She shrugged. “It’s fine. I won’t stay long. I had some things I wanted to ask you.”

  He sat on a pile of boxes. “Shoot.”

  “Why are you going?” She searched his face for a sign, something to indicate how he was feeling. Damn Matt and how good his poker face was. There wasn’t a hint of his emotion. This man was her other best friend, and she was bewildered at this feeling of loss. She shouldn’t feel this way, not this strongly. She’d given her heart to Sam forever.

  “It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. Broaden my horizons.”

  “But why didn’t you say anything? This is so random.”

  “Maybe to you, but like I said, it’s been on my mind for some time. I’m sorry if you’re unhappy about me not sharing it with you.”

  Ella frowned. In the time they’d known one another, she’d been sure Matt had been as open as he could be with her and Sam. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to press you on it. I’ll miss you.”

  Matt’s right hand landed on her face, palm to cheek in such an intimate gesture she closed her eyes. His thumb traced the lower lid of her eye, right below her makeup, wiping the tear that had gathered.

  “Ella,” he said mournfully. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

  He raised his other hand to the right side of her face, wiping the tear on her cheek. Ella opened her eyes to see him only inches away, his dark blue gaze full of emotion, now searching hers.

  “I don’t want you to go. Just because Sam and I are married now doesn’t mean we don’t want you nearby.”

  Matt’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, and his expression blanked again. What was this? What was going on with him?

  “I need to do this for me,” he murmured.

  “I’m going to miss you. You and Sam are my best friends.”

  Matt sighed, his right thumb tracing down her face to her lips, his fingers stroking her face as if committing it to memory.

  He dropped his left hand to her back, firmly pulling her closer to him, and she was lost in his eyes like she’d never been before. They told her everything.

  “Ella,” he whispered. In one swift move his mouth claimed hers, his tongue pressing between her lips. It was a desperate kiss, a goodbye kiss, and instead of pushing him away she kissed him back, tasting him for the first time, gently pressing her tongue again
st his.

  No.

  She shoved his chest, backing away with wide eyes. Where had that come from?

  “This. This is why I need to go.” His voice cracked as his gaze stayed on her, fixed to her face as if looking for how she felt.

  “I didn’t know,” she whispered.

  “It’s you, Ella. It’s always been you. I don’t want anyone else.”

  He took a step forward, and Ella inched back as far as the wall behind her would allow.

  “I have to go and clear my head of you. I don’t know how to do it, but I do know I can’t do it here. Not when you’re so near.”

  Unable to form coherent words, Ella saw the anguish for the first time, the knowledge that he couldn’t have her. How had she never seen it before?

  “Matt?”

  “I need some time. And some distance. I’ll come back over this, and we can all pick up where we left off. As friends.”

  Her heart ached to see him so tortured. To think when they’d first met she’d thought he didn’t like her.

  I don’t know how to feel.

  “I need to finish packing. I’ve got a moving company coming to pick up the rest of my things and take them to Mum and Dad’s place.”

  Ella closed her eyes, fighting back tears. The thought of her friend going away had been hard; knowing his feelings made it even harder.

  “Okay,” she whispered. “Do we get to say goodbye at the airport?”

  She opened her eyes to his smile, his gaze sweeping her face. “Of course you do. I hope you’re there to greet me when I come back, too.”

  “How long will you be away for?”

  “I’ve got a two-year visa, but I’ll see what happens. I want to travel around, and I’ll work where I can. I’ve got a job lined up over there with an old friend for the first few months, and then I’ll play it by ear.”

  “Two years,” she whispered.

  His hand landed on her shoulder. “I’ll miss you guys. But you and Sam don’t need me hanging around while you work out your new life together. Besides, I’ll still be online when I can. We can catch up over Facebook.”

  She nodded; there was no talking him out of it. He’d clearly had it planned for a while to have his visa. Ella let out a big sigh, wrapping her arms ’round his waist and burying her face in his chest.