I can’t go on living like this.
Afterward, she lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for Sam to come home. If he followed his normal pattern, he’d come home late and smelling faintly of beer. School wasn’t always his only hangout.
I wonder what bar you go to?
In her dream house, married to the man she loved and trying to create a family with him, she was all alone.
PART III
I couldn’t believe it was true
15
MATT
What do you do to get away from heartache? The pain that tears your insides apart while you smile and pretend nothing is going on.
I was drawn to Ella like a moth to a flame, but also repulsed by my feelings for her. I was Sam’s best friend, but not worthy of the love he bore me. Every day I’d betrayed him with my heart. That same heart broke when she became his wife.
So, I ran. I ran as far as I could. Watching them marry was the last straw for my battered emotions. Every morning for the rest of her life, the woman I was in love with would wake up in bed next to my best friend. I should have been happy for him; instead, I was miserable.
Now, on the other side of the world, in a small English village, I was in bed with this beautiful woman. She had long blonde hair and even longer legs. Any other man would have been in paradise. Me? I’d dragged her into my hell.
Inside her, my body tightened, ready for release. That amazing moment every sexual encounter inevitably leads to. Groaning as I let go, floating in a world all of my own, I said one word that screwed everything up.
“Ella,” I whispered. A bit too loudly. My eyes flickered open to see the blonde’s big blue eyes gazing at me in return.
“What did you call me?”
“Shit, I didn’t mean …”
She pushed me off and I rolled to the side, cradling my head in my hands. “Amy, I’m so sorry.”
“First rule of screwing anyone is to get their damn name right if you’re going to call it out.” She looked at me, that little wrinkle between her brows growing as she frowned.
“I’m sorry. I’ll go.”
“What was that about?”
I swallowed. Hard. In all this time, I’d never admitted my feelings for Ella to anyone else. I’d never said how thoughts of her had consumed me at times, how despite the time and distance, if she’d needed me, I’d be there without a second thought.
“Call it unrequited love. I don’t know. Something I shouldn’t feel.”
Amy’s eyes were so sad. We’d known one another two days, and my heart ached at calling her by the wrong name. Starting again was hard when all I could see was Ella.
“Who is she?”
I couldn’t stand being under her stare as her eyes bore through me, seeing my heartache. I focused on an imperfection in the ceiling, a tiny mark on a tile, rather than looking back at her.
“My best friend’s wife.”
“Oh.” Her voice broke on that one little word, and I knew if I looked back she’d be looking at me with pity. That wasn’t what I wanted. What I wanted was Ella out of my head, once and for all.
“I’m trying to get away from it. That’s why I’ve been travelling. They are blissfully happy, and I’m the arsewipe who wants her but doesn’t want to try and break them up because I love them both.”
Amy sighed, but it wasn’t a frustrated sound, and I turned my head to look at her. There was no pity in her eyes, just the faraway look of romance. Weird.
“That’s beautiful. Fucked up, but beautiful. I mean, I didn’t think we were any great romance, and I would have appreciated it if you’d been thinking of me, especially when you came.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said that about three times. It’s too late to kick you out, so you might as well sleep here.”
“Thanks. I’m—”
“If you say I’m sorry again, I’ll push you out the window.” A satisfied smile crossed her face, like she’d told me off but understood. It didn’t help how badly I felt, wondering if I was ever going to get over this.
Maybe it was time to admit defeat.
IN THE MORNING, Amy barely looked at me as we ate the breakfast I’d cooked. Making her food was the least I could do for the way I’d behaved.
I studied her across the table. We’d met in the pub, and it hadn’t taken long for her to invite me into her home. She had long blonde hair in big curls, so much like Ella’s but the wrong colour. Her skin was so soft and smooth, and her cheeks rosy.
Why couldn’t I fall in love with this girl? I liked her. She’d been a lot of fun. But, whatever I did, my heart belonged elsewhere, and as much as I couldn’t rein it in, I also didn’t know if I wanted to.
“Can I use your computer?” I asked. It had been a few weeks since I’d checked in on Facebook. I’d been living on next to nothing for so long. All I’d logged in from was from the odd internet cafe.
“Uh sure.” At least I hadn’t totally pissed her off the night before.
I made my way to the computer in the living room, logging into Facebook to a whole lot of notifications.
118 unread messages, all from Vanessa. They all seemed to be the same.
Matt, are you there?
Matt, you need to come home.
Matt, Ella needs you.
Douchebag is being douchey.
Come home.
Over and over again. I stared at them. Douchebag is being douchey? There was only one person she called that, and my stomach fell to my knees as I read the repetitive messages a second time. Then again, Vanessa was good at exaggerating.
I clicked on Ella’s profile. She was barely posting anymore, when barely a day used to go by that she didn’t post some goofy picture, sometimes of herself. I clicked through her photos. She hadn’t posted a selfie in forever.
What had changed?
I messaged Vanessa.
I’ve been travelling and not on Facebook. I’m coming home soon; I’ve got no money left.
Seconds later came the reply.
I miss you. Ella misses you too. Sam is a dick.
How is Sam being a dick? I replied.
They’ve been trying to have a baby, and it’s not happening. Ella is miserable. I don’t think Sam is being very supportive.
I sighed. I had to remember that Vanessa didn’t like Sam. She was hardly going to see it his way.
Have you seen her? I asked.
I’m going to university and living in an apartment block near them. When you come back, you can stay with me. My bed isn’t very big though. She posted a big wink emoticon after the message, and I roared with laughter. Some things never change.
We’ll see. I’ll message you when I know what my plans are. Give my love to Ella and Sam.
What? None for me?
I miss you too, squirt.
You need to stop calling me that. I kinda grew up while you were away.
Fine. I’ve gotta go. I’m using someone else’s computer, and I think she’s not far off kicking me out.
I got the sad face.
I’ll be home soon, and we’ll catch up. You can tell me all the goss.
Ciao. Come home safely.
I moved back to the table, lost in thought until another buttered slice of toast landed on my plate. Amy cheered for herself while I rolled my eyes.
“So, what are you doing today?” she asked.
“I think I’m going to sort out my ticket home. Time to go back and be a grown-up.”
Amy lifted her slice of toast to her mouth, grinning. “Are you going to tell Ella how you feel about her?”
I shrugged. “She knew before I left.”
“Chin up, Matt. Who knows? Maybe she’ll see you again and realise she’s made the wrong choice.”
I shook my head. “No. Apparently they’re trying to make a baby. I doubt there’s much hope for me.”
She winked. “You never know. You could always come back here.”
“Thanks.” She was nice. I
t wasn’t her fault my heart was elsewhere.
“But next time, call my name.”
16
MATT
Flying into Auckland was bittersweet. Part of me dreaded seeing Sam, knowing that despite my efforts, the love I had for Ella could flare up again. Not that it had ever really left me.
I closed my eyes during the descent, the plane shuddering in the windy conditions.
Hopefully this is the only turbulence today.
At the bump of the landing gear hitting the tarmac, I opened my eyes again. Home. The sound of air rushing past as the plane braked filled the cabin. I’d never heard anything so glorious in my whole life. All this time away, and being right outside the airport made me more homesick than I’d been in months.
As we slowly made our way through customs, my head filled with questions about who would meet me on the other side. Sam would be there, and Vanessa had messaged me to say she’d be with him. From Ella, only silence. The desperate need to see her filled me, Vanessa’s messages churning through my mind. I wouldn’t be satisfied she was okay until I saw her for myself.
The male customs officer’s expression was neutral. This must be the most boring part of the job, having to sit there and ask that question a million times a day.
“Do you have anything to declare?” Yes, I’d like to declare I’m in love with my best friend’s wife.
“I’ve got chocolate in my bag.” I pulled out my backpack, unzipping it so he could see. All packaged up, I already knew it passed all the rules.
He stuck a finger in the bag, pushing things around. “Is that all?”
“Yes.”
“Go through the green door.”
I waited until I was out of earshot to breathe a sigh of relief. Now my feet were on the ground, the last place I wanted to be was going through an X-ray, even if I had nothing to interest them. That could literally take forever.
I spotted Vanessa, waving her hands in the air to get my attention. She jumped up and down as I came through the last door, throwing herself into my arms as I came to a stop. I wrapped my arms around her, kissing her cheek as Sam came up behind her.
“Bro,” he said, a huge grin across his face.
“Hey, man.”
“I’d hug you, but it looks like Vanessa has that covered.”
I laughed as she let go, standing back a little. She’d filled out since I last saw her, and she wore makeup. Most unlike the girl I left behind.
“Well, look at you. You went and grew up.”
She slapped my arm, grabbing hold of it while Sam bumped knuckles with my other hand.
“Where’s Ella?” I looked around, just in case I’d missed her. Vanessa’s grip tightened as Sam sighed.
“She’s at home. She really wanted to come, but she’s not in the right frame of mind today.”
“He’s trying to say she had another negative pregnancy test. Only he’s too douchey to just say that.” Vanessa’s tone was bitter, enough for me to raise an eyebrow at Sam.
“She’s upset, and I’m trying to give her a little space. So we’ll drop off Vanessa, drop your gear at home and go out for a drink.”
Vanessa’s fingernails dug into my skin. She didn’t need to say anything further for me to know she wasn’t happy. And if I knew Ella, she just needed someone to hold her through the tough times. But I couldn’t judge. I’d been gone long enough to know that changes happen, that what was true when I was home before may not hold now I’d returned.
“So what’s this?” Vanessa raised her other hand to my face, running her fingers through my beard. Even I had to admit it was impressive, the result of not shaving for several months.
I shrugged. “I was travelling the last six months. Just got easier not to spend money on razors and other unimportant things.”
She raised her eyebrows, looking at me like I was crazy. “You need to get rid of it.”
“Listen to you, Miss Bossy.” Sam laughed.
Vanessa snuggled against my side. “I liked him better the way he was. We need to catch up. I have so much to tell you.” She grabbed my arm, squeezing it as we walked.
“I’ll look forward to it. Why aren’t you coming back to Ella and Sam’s place with us?”
She grinned. “I’ve got a test tomorrow and a whole lot of studying to do. First year medicine at Auckland University.”
“Wow, that’s so cool. Are you going to be a doctor?”
She nodded. “Made up my mind at the last minute, but yeah. Dad wanted me to become a vet so I could go back home and work, but I couldn’t inflict myself on the poor animals.”
I roared with laughter. “Good for you. I’m sure you’ll be an amazing doctor.”
“I hope so.”
Vanessa jumped in the back of the car while Sam and I put my bags in the boot. To her obvious disappointment, I sat in the front with Sam, while she pouted behind me.
“The wind will change, and you’ll be stuck with that face,” I said, looking over my shoulder.
She laughed, turning to look out the window. Sam started the car, backing out of the park and driving into the street.
“Ella will be glad to see you,” Sam said. “You know I said she’s not having a good day? She’s not having a good time in general.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” I looked over my shoulder again at Vanessa. Her gaze had shifted back to me, and there was sorrow in her eyes as she nodded slowly.
“Yeah, we saw a doctor and they can’t tell us why. We signed up for IVF, but we have to go through all this shit to get to it. It’s been a real strain.” He took a turn onto the motorway, heading toward the city.
“Sounds like it.”
We drove to an apartment block near the university. This must be where Vanessa lived.
“I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon if you want to catch up,” she said.
“That would be great. I’m in town for a couple of days before I visit Mum and Dad. Good luck with your exam.”
She leaned forward between the front seats, pecking me on the cheek. “Thanks. It’s good to have you home.”
As she leaned back and opened the rear door, Sam turned toward her. “Hey. Where’s my kiss?”
“Go get one from my sister. She probably needs it about now.” Her tone was clipped
She slammed the door after getting out, Sam visibly recoiling at the sound. What had he done that had upset Vanessa so much?
Douchebag is being douchey.
The words had stuck with me since I saw the message. Please don’t let Sam have hit on Vanessa. The idea popped into my head, uninvited, unwanted, but it stuck as my best friend indicated and pulled into the traffic.
“I don’t know why she wanted to come and pick you up so much when she was going to go home again,” he grumbled.
“I dunno—I think it’s kind of sweet. She didn’t have to take time away from studying to say hello. Anyway, why are we talking about this? How are you doing?”
He flicked a glance at me. “Me or Ella?”
“You.”
Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. Confused. Tired. I want things to be the way they were before you went away. If I could rewind and erase everything I’ve done …”
We stopped at a traffic light, and this time when he looked at me, I saw the pain in his eyes. If he was hurting this bad, I didn’t know if I wanted to see Ella. She’d be off the charts.
“I’m sorry to hear that. You two were so happy when I last saw you.”
“We’re okay, but it’s getting a bit too much. One minute she’s coping, the next minute she’s off the rails. I don’t know what is going through her head half the time.”
We travelled the rest of the way in silence, along the north-western motorway where I could breathe in the familiar smell of home and see the sights I’d not laid eyes on for so long.
Ella and Sam’s little house looked much more lived in than it had when they’d first bought it. Then it had been a shell, waiting for Ella and Sam to put their
mark on it. Now it looked like a home.
“Babe, we’re home,” Sam called as we walked in the front door.
The silence was deafening as we ventured further into the house. I’d lived in the same house with Sam and Ella for two years, and never known it to be quiet. This wasn’t right.
We both turned our heads at the same time as a sob broke the quiet. It came from somewhere in the hallway. Sam gritted his teeth in what appeared to be irritation.
She needs help.
“Sorry, man. I thought by the time I got you and came back she’d be okay again.”
I closed my eyes at the sound of her weeping. “Sam, I’ll go out somewhere and you can take care of Ella.”
Sam sighed. “I want to get out of here.”
“She’s upset. What the hell is wrong with you?” The bile rose in my throat. Regardless of my feelings for Ella, no man should leave his wife so upset. Hearing her utter despair was agonising.
“Nothing. It’s another month where nothing happened. She has to let go and see what happens next month.”
My head swum as I stared at my best friend.
Sam shrugged and picked up his jacket. “Look, Matt. We deal with it in different ways. Of course I’m upset, but I can’t let it control me.”
“I can’t believe you’re leaving to go to the pub. You need to be here with your wife.” The anger was building. I fisted my hands in frustration at him. When did you become such an arsehole?
“I’ve been here. I am here. She knows that. Believe me, I’m the last person she wants right now. All we do is argue when she’s like this. I’ll come home after a few drinks and handle this so much better.” He nodded toward the hallway. “She’ll be in our bedroom. Go in and say hello, and we’ll get out of here.”
I nodded, swallowing down my irritation at him, and knocked on the bedroom door. “Ella? Ella, it’s Matt. Can I come in?”
“Yes,” she said, almost too quiet for me to hear.
I turned the handle and pushed. She sat on the bed, holding tissues over her eyes. My heart lurched at the sight. This was so wrong. If I thought at all that my feelings had lessened, I was proven wrong when I laid eyes on her.
“Hey,” I said, tilting my head and smiling at her. She lowered the tissues, her eyes rimmed red, swollen from crying. My chest tightened, and I resisted the urge to grab and hold her.
In a Lifetime Page 10