“Hi.”
“I wanted to say hello and make sure you were okay.”
She nodded, frowning as she looked away. Far from okay.
“I’ll be fine, Matt. Thanks for checking on me.”
More than your husband is doing.
“Any time. You know I’d do anything for you two.”
Slowly, she raised her head again, the tiniest of smiles crossing her face. “Thanks. It’s so good to see you.”
I sat on the bed, facing her. “Good to see you too. What’s all this about?”
“I … I’m not pregnant.”
I known the answer; I’d just wanted to make sure it was that and nothing Sam had done. His attitude pissed me off. “Sam told me. I’m so sorry, Ella.”
She shrugged. “Guess I should be used to it now.”
“You wouldn’t be human if you were used to it. You wouldn’t be you.” I opened my arms and she leaned over to hug me.
“I’m glad you’re back. We didn’t hear enough from you when you were away. Tell me how your trip went. Did you meet any nice girls?”
“Hundreds.” I grinned, kissing the top of her head.
Her shoulders shook as she giggled, and she leaned back, a smile growing on her face. “We’ve missed you.”
“Is that the royal we?”
Her smile grew into a grin. “Okay. I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you, too. We’ll catch up soon. Sam wants to go out for a drink, but I’ll crash here for the night.”
She nodded. “The spare room is ready for you. I didn’t know Sam was planning to go out.” That grin had vanished. Her cheeks were bereft of colour, and her lips in a straight line. This wasn’t the same Ella I left behind.
“We don’t have to go out. I’m happy to stay right here.”
Ella shook her head. “No. You two need time to catch up, too. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“I don’t think we’ll be late.”
She dropped her gaze. “Yeah, you will be.”
My heart ached. Clearly Sam had done this before. She knew the routine, from the look on her face.
“Then we’ll catch up tomorrow. I’m not going anywhere for a few days, and then I’ll go and see Mum and Dad and come back. I need to find a job.”
“Are you back for good?” Her eyes pleaded with me for the right answer.
“Sure am. I’ve had my adventures, and now I’m home.”
The corners of her mouth twitched, and she gave me another small smile, running her fingers through my beard. “I’m glad. This so needs to go.”
I laughed, placing my hand on hers. “Vanessa said the same thing. I guess you have similar taste.”
Ella rolled her eyes. “Maybe some of the time.” Her eyes lit up as she looked me over, and I could see how much she’d missed me. Not helping my situation.
I reached out with my other hand, grasping her shoulder. “Are you going to be okay while we’re gone?”
She nodded slowly.
“Do you know what I think?”
“What?” she asked.
“I think you should lie down and get some sleep. You look exhausted. Can’t be good for you.”
She nodded again, launching herself at me for a hug. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For checking on me. For caring.”
I hugged her tight. “Always. Get some rest.”
As I shut the door behind me, Sam grinned. “Ready?”
“I don’t know. I feel guilty leaving her here. Are you sure she’ll be alright?”
“She needs to calm down and get some rest. She’ll be fine in the morning.”
Reluctantly, I followed him out the front door, taking one last look toward the bedroom. My skin crawled with discomfort. It wasn’t right to leave her in this state, but this was my chance to get to the bottom of what was going on.
“BOURBON AND DRY.” Sam tapped his fingers on the bar impatiently as the bartender mixed the drink. When the glass arrived, he took a deep sip and wrapped his fingers around it as he placed it back down.
“You okay?” I’d never seen him drink spirits. Sam had always been a beer man.
Sam shook his head. “This whole baby thing is driving me insane. I don’t know how much more I can take. Ella’s so damn moody. It’s like living on a rollercoaster.”
I placed my hand on Sam’s shoulder. “What about what it’s like for Ella?”
“Oh, I know she’s not happy, but then she is. One minute she’s up, next minute she’s down with this constantly wanting sex to make the baby, not because she wants me. The sex is so mechanical, like we’re doing it for only one reason, and I hate it. I hate feeling this way. Every month it gets worse.”
He picked at his fingers, his lips twitching. Sam’s face contorted in pain, as if he was ready to burst into tears, and my heart broke for him. It wasn’t fair that either him or Ella had to go through the agony this was causing.
This whole situation sucked hard.
“You two have come so far. It’s hard, but it’s worth it, right?”
Sam shrugged. “I don’t know what else to do. My dick responds because it’s Ella. She’s the hottest woman I’ve ever met. I could be in Antarctica freezing my gonads off and I’d still get hard seeing her naked. And the way she smells. It drives me abso-fucking-lutely wild. I can’t get enough of that. But then I remember she only wants it so much to make a baby, and I lose my momentum.” He shot a glance at me. “Maybe you should sleep with her. Maybe your swimmers are more powerful than mine.”
My mouth went dry at the thought of one night with Ella.
Shit. No.
“Come on, man. You know Ella would never go for it, and shit, this is yours and hers to the end. You’ll get there.”
“Maybe you’re right. I’m so tired and stressed, and you need to come around and spend time with us. Help take the pressure off. Ella loves you.”
Platonic love, maybe.
“I love you guys. That’s why I want you to get through this in one piece.” If I said it enough, maybe one day I would mean it. “Remember all those things about her you loved in the first place and get through it together.”
Sam sighed. “Oh, I remember. But back then we were constantly screwing because I wanted inside her, and she wanted it as much. Now all she’s interested in is getting my boys to crack an egg.”
I shoved his shoulder with mine. “Come on. You know she just wants you both to be happy.”
He picked up his drink, cradling it in his hands, staring at the amber liquid. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”
“But you want her, right?”
Sam took another mouthful, holding the answer back as he took his sweet time swallowing. “I love Ella. I don’t know if it’s enough. I don’t know if I’m enough.”
I placed my hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. “She loves you. She always has. This thing has to play out, one way or another. Are you doing IVF?”
He nodded.
“She needs you more than ever right now, Sam.”
He frowned. “I hate it when you’re right.”
“You should be used to it by now.” I grinned, and beckoned the barman over. “Can we get a couple of whiskey shots?”
Sam cocked an eyebrow. “You’re going to get me into trouble.”
“Who, me? I was born trouble.”
17
MATT
I yawned and stretched, opening my eyes and forgetting for a moment where I was. The floral wallpaper and lemon bedspread gave it away.
The unmistakable smell of Ella filled my senses. This whole damn house smelled of her. Sunshine and honey.
My mouth was drier than the desert, the taste of bourbon and dry still hanging around unwanted. It wasn’t anywhere near as nice the morning after.
I nestled down into the pillow, breathing in the aroma I’d avoided by leaving the country. Damn it. As hard as it was to be around, there was no way I’d be away from it now.
At a gentle tap at the door, I leaned up on my elbows. “Come in?”
Ella bounced into the room, full of life as always, her long dark hair piled on top of her head in a bun with spirally curls escaping from it. Her makeup was immaculate. I couldn’t help but wish that she was about to bounce into bed with me. I’d ruin that makeup in seconds.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’ve cooked breakfast. Sam’s still snoring, so I thought I’d see if you wanted something to eat.”
I grinned. “I could do with some more sleep. Sam’s got the right idea.” I dropped down onto my back and pulled the blanket up to my chin.
Ella grabbed hold of the blanket, pulling it back like a Band-Aid. “It’s time to get up.”
Her eyes widened as she saw me, naked to the waist wearing only a pair of briefs. Briefs that resembled a tent with that early morning wood, no doubt stimulated by her presence. But it wasn’t that her gaze was fixed on.
“What’s that tattoo?” She’d seen it, the small symbol I’d had engraved in my skin. The result of one drunken night in Amsterdam. My way of showing my love for her in a place barely anyone ever saw. It was on my hip, and sat above the waistband of my underpants. A small yellow and black bee. Somehow, it had seemed appropriate.
Ella leaned over, brushing my stomach with her hand, softly stroking the skin near the tattoo as she looked closer. God damn it, if I was hard before, every sense was now in overload as I could smell her, feel her touch. If she noticed, she gave no indication, and she smiled. “That’s so cool. But why a bee?”
She stood straight, her warm hand no longer touching my flesh. She looked at me with such a wide-eyed and innocent expression, a big part of me wanted to pull her down on top of me and defile her.
“I … it’s personal.” It reminds me of you.
Ella’s lips quivered as she seemed to try to hide her disappointment. Did she really want to know that much?
She nodded. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me” She paused. “I thought we were friends.”
“Did you really pull out the friendship weapon?”
Ella ran her bottom lip through her teeth in the cutest gesture I’d ever seen from her. If I hadn’t known better, I’d think she was flirting.
“Do you really want to know why I have a bee tattooed on me?”
Nodding slowly, she smiled shyly. Life is so not fair.
I crooked my index finger beckoning her closer, and she narrowed her eyes but came near.
“Closer,” I said.
Now she leaned right over me, our faces inches apart, so I could tell her my secret. But I said nothing, gazed into her eyes and smiled.
“So …” She sounded unsure, confused.
I pounced, grabbing her by the waist and tickling her, pulling her down onto the bed with me. She shrieked, trying to get away, but I wouldn’t let her, my grip on her tightening as she wriggled.
“That’s not fair.” There were peals of laughter that made me smile. A complete 180 from how she’d been the day before.
It took a moment to realise she was pressed against me, my erection pushing against her legs, and I think I registered it right around the same time as she did.
The giggling stopped, and she panted at the effort of trying to get away from me but stilled.
“Ella.” There, I whispered the name of the woman I loved, and this time she was right in front of me.
Ella searched my face for something, maybe a sign that I was still kidding around. The laughter in her eyes drained as she met my gaze and she pulled away from me, rubbing one arm uncomfortably as she backed up.
“Ella?”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked such a personal question,” she said quietly, retreating back into her shell and scuttling from the room.
I buried my head in my hands, sighing at what had happened. Nothing had changed. If anything, my time away had clearly made my feelings for her stronger
I slipped out of bed, pulling my jeans on and grabbing my T-shirt from the floor. They still smelled of the night before, and I wrinkled my nose in disgust. All my clothes were buried in my bags among the gifts I’d brought home, but this’d do until after breakfast. I’d deal with my grumbling stomach first and then shower.
Sighing, I pulled open the door. The house was still, but I could smell pancakes.
This felt like coming home. Going out with Sam the night before hadn’t. It was all about him, to get him out of the house and away from his distraught wife. That still grated.
Ella stood at the cooktop as I came in, the pancakes piling up on a plate beside her. She’d gone overboard.
She smiled as I sat at the table.
“Smells amazing.” I beamed at her, so grateful to be taken care of when I still felt so seedy.
“I tried to wake up Sam, but he’s out to it. So he’ll have to miss out.”
“Ella, about before …”
“It’s okay. It’s good to have you back.” She flicked off the element, carrying the plate full of pancakes with her. The table was already laid out with white linen and white plates. Everything was so light and fresh and matching in Ella’s world. I felt so gross in comparison, sitting here hungover in my dirty clothing.
“It’s good to be back. Sorry if we were out a bit late last night.”
She shook her head, picking up a fork and piercing pancakes to move to my plate. “Don’t worry about it. It’s normal around here.”
“He goes out a lot then?” I studied Ella’s face. Her focus was entirely on the food, and whatever I did, I couldn’t get her to meet my gaze.
“He works hard. We’re trying to get ahead. One day we’ll be down to one income and we need savings, so he teaches night classes at the high school. You know, adult education classes in computing.” She shot a glance at me, long enough to give me a brief smile, and went back to staring at her plate.
“Oh? Good for him.”
“I … well, I wished he didn’t. We don’t get a lot of time together. How do we make a baby when he’s home late and drinking even when he’s said he won’t, and …” She looked at me again, this time long enough for me to see the sadness, the despair in her eyes. Whatever was going on between them wasn’t good.
I scratched my beard. “I’ll get rid of this today.” That brought a smile to her face.
I’d do anything for you.
“Morning.” Sam appeared in the doorway, dressed in a T-shirt and boxer shorts. He approached the table, pecking Ella on the cheek as he sat next to her.
“Sleep well?” he asked.
“Like a log.”
“Did Ella wake you up? She tried hard to get me to move, but I didn’t want to. Not until I smelled the food.” He turned his head toward her. “Looks amazing, babe.”
It was like a transformation came over her. The woman who sat across the table lit up, and she leaned against him as he kissed her temple. This was what she’d wanted. Sam’s affection.
Why couldn’t he give her what she wanted?
“He’s right, Ell. This is amazing.” I cut off a piece of pancake, closing my eyes at how good it tasted. She always had been an amazing cook, and this was hitting the spot after a night out on the booze.
“Good for soaking up leftover alcohol.” She grinned, the dimples in her cheeks twinkling with the genuine smile on her face.
The love she had for Sam was written all over her, and my heart ached at the way he’d acted the night before.
Alarm bells rang in my head, and I didn’t know whether to be wary or embrace them.
18
SAM
Matt was right. Ella deserved nothing but the best. She deserved a husband who would love and protect her, no matter what. Sam had tried, but at a distance.
There were so many things he’d done during the past few months that he’d deeply regretted. Harsh words he didn’t mean. The easy jibes about her diet when she was simply the most beautiful woman he knew. Her curves drove him wild, an
d yet he’d thrown crap at her when he was down. It wasn’t fair
He watched her sleep, her dark hair flowing around her head on the pillow. He’d never loved anyone the way he loved Ella, had never been so obsessed with making another person so happy.
That was why he’d spent every moment he could with her, and why he’d suggested having a baby in the first place. It was the kind of thing that would make her happy.
Instead, it had made her sad.
Sam had never been good when it came to real intimacy. Every month, Ella needed him more and more, and instead of embracing the situation and taking control, he’d backed off, burying himself in work, finding things to do that didn’t involve spending time with the woman he loved.
Now, he saw her at peace. Her eyes were puffy from crying, but she was still the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen. Sam smiled, raising his palm to her cheek. Ella stirred, opening her eyes, her lips curling up slightly.
“Hey, beautiful.”
She licked her lips. He caught his breath at the simple act. No matter what, everything she did had an immediate effect on him, his body rousing as he gazed at her.
“Hey.” Her voice was raspy from sleep, and probably from crying. He hadn’t been there to see it, but it was obvious from her appearance.
Sam ran his thumb down her cheek. Her skin was flawless, soft and warm, and she closed her eyes to his touch. He appeared to have the same effect on her as she did him.
“Damn it, Ella, you’re beautiful,” he whispered.
She opened her eyes, gazing at him with the deep blue he’d fallen into so many times before. It seemed like forever since she’d looked at him that way.
“Sam.”
He didn’t give her a chance to say anything else as his mouth claimed hers and he kissed the lips he loved tasting. It had been so long since he’d kissed her this way, like a man not only in love with his wife, but in lust. Where had that gone?
From that first night, when they’d tangled for four rounds, neither of them could keep their hands off one another. Somewhere, that had gone by the wayside. The sex was still there, but there was no passion, only the never-ending hope for Ella that she’d become pregnant.
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