The more strained things were between them, the more time he pored into his work. He hadn’t repeated his drunken arrival home, and he’d put it down to going out with his co-workers to say goodbye to one of them. Maybe it was time to admit defeat. Time to heal the wounds in their marriage and change things to be the way they used to be.
When they were friends as well as lovers.
Not that long ago, they would laugh together, often falling into bed, unable to keep their hands off one another. As Ella closed her eyes, memories of all those happy times overwhelmed her.
“Are you okay, Ella? You look like shit.”
Trust Holly to notice. She and Ella had bonded the instant Ella had started working with her. They’d had very little in common, at least at first. Holly was a single mother with a young daughter. She understood Ella’s need to have a baby. But did Ella really look that bad?
“Feeling a bit off today. Really tired. I think I’m coming down with something.”
“Do you start IVF soon?”
Ella sighed. “There’s still so much to do before we get to that stage. My parents said they’d pay if we wanted to go private though; that’d speed things up.”
“You don’t sound very excited.”
She shrugged. “I think I know better than to get my hopes up now. I haven’t told Sam yet, but I don’t think I can take more than one go. Maybe it’s time to admit defeat if it doesn’t work.”
Ella shuffled the papers on her desk, flicking through what was left to do for the morning. She’d been working as a business analyst with the same company she’d worked for since she’d left uni, and was currently assigned to a large IT project. One that had far too much paperwork
“How long have you had that coffee on your desk, Holly? It stinks to high heaven. Enough to make me want to puke.”
Holly cocked an eyebrow. “I bought it this morning. Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”
Ella leaned back, rolling her eyes. “Positive.”
“That was the first thing that went when I was pregnant with Lexie. My ex switched to tea, because the smell of coffee made me want to hurl.”
Ella stared at her. I can’t get my hopes up.
“Maybe I’m just off colour.”
Holly’s lips curled into a sneaky smile. “Maybe you should try a pregnancy test.”
Tears pricked Ella’s eyes. “I’m not pregnant, Holly. I’m never pregnant.”
“You’re tired, and feeling gross. I know how hard you’re trying, Ella, and I don’t want to upset you, but what if you are and you don’t realise?”
Ella was late. But she was always late, her body on this big hormonal rollercoaster. It didn’t seem to know what late was anymore.
“It’s only a suggestion. I’m sorry if it upsets you.” Holly moved around her desk, slipping her arm around her friend, hugging her tightly. “I know you, and this isn’t normal. There’s something going on.”
Ella shrugged. “I think I might stop trying to be honest. I want a baby so much, but I don’t know how much more Sam and I can take.”
“Does he still have that gorgeous friend?” Holly waggled her eyebrows.
“Matt?” Ella swallowed down her guilt at the memory of his kiss. She hadn’t initiated it, but it burned on her lips as a reminder. “Why? Do you want me to hook you up?” The thought of him being with someone else made her sick to her stomach, but at the same time he had to move on.
Holly laughed. “No. But you said that when he went away, Sam changed. Just a little, but he changed. Maybe you need to get them together a bit more.”
Ella nodded. “Anything to get Sam away from that damn night school. I swear, he’s teaching so many classes; he’ll exhaust himself.”
Holly squeezed her arm. “There you go. Invite Matt over more often. Like the old days.”
The old days. When the three of them were always together, always laughing.
When did the fun go out of our lives?
“And seriously, Ella, get a pregnancy test.”
Ella bit down on her bottom lip. “I’ve got some in my bag.”
“Some?” Holly’s right eyebrow inched up.
“The doctor gave us a whole pile of them last time. Rather than me wasting money at the pharmacy. I’ve got some of those little pee-on-a-stick ones.”
Holly grinned. “Then go and do it. If it’s a no, you can come drinking with me after work. If it’s a yes, then you go home and celebrate with your man.”
Ella nodded. With heartbreak after heartbreak, it surely couldn’t get any worse. She reached down for her bag sitting beside her desk, clinging to it as she stood and made her way toward the bathroom. Really, what was the worst thing that could happen? If it was negative, again, she’d get on with her day. Although, going home to sleep was mighty tempting either way.
The bathroom was empty, and Ella headed straight for the cubicle right at the end. The one with the dodgy lock on the door that no one ever used. She’d be tucked out of the way in a place where no one would ever look.
She took a deep breath, reaching into her bag and pulling out the little box the doctor had given her. Inside were maybe thirty sealed strips. This box had gone everywhere with Ella—a pregnancy test had never been far from her side in the past two years. If she gave up the dream, it would be weird not to carry it around.
Hanging her bag on the hook at the back of the door, she pushed down her panties, tearing open the packaging and holding the test under her. She closed her eyes, some tiny part of her begging for those two little lines to appear. Not the one that had been on every other test. The single line was the one that broke your heart.
Ella pulled it back out, placing it on a wad of toilet paper she’d collected with her other hand. She gazed at the ceiling, trying so hard not to stare at the test, convinced it would never change if she so much as took a peek.
The silence in the bathroom was comforting. The only person she had to deal with was herself and how she’d handle the inevitable disappointment this would bring. And yet, there was a tiny glimmer of hope she was too soft-hearted to let go of. And that hope sat in her hands, on the tissue, waiting for her to look at it.
One, two, three … Ella counted in her head, resisting the urge to peek. The longer she waited, the more the anticipation built, the harder to deal with the gut-wrenching negative result.
She closed her eyes, taking two deep breaths and took a chance.
Two lines. Prickly heat travelled the length of Ella’s body as she looked back down at the test. All these months of trying so hard, of arguing with Sam, of mood swings that were so un-Ella like. She hadn’t felt like herself in so very long, and now tears flooded her eyes at the sight of those two little lines she’d waited nearly two years to see.
She swallowed, shaking her head and wiping the test off, placing it on the top of the bin beside the toilet. Dropping the tissue into the toilet, she stood, pulling her bag down off the door and taking another test out of that damn box.
That one had two lines too. And so did the next. Ella couldn’t see for tears anymore, but had six beautiful lines that told her that after all this time and effort, she was pregnant.
“Ella?” Holly’s voice came from outside the cubicle. Ella grabbed another piece of tissue, wiping her tears as she opened the door.
“Ella, you’ve been gone for ages. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.” Holly frowned, and she pursed her lips at sight of Ella wiping her eyes. “Oh, sweetheart.”
“I’m pregnant, Holly,” Ella whispered, barely able to believe the words herself, let alone tell anyone. But she couldn’t keep it secret, couldn’t pretend it was anything else but the thing she’d longed for more than any other in the world.
Holly’s eyes widened, and she ran the short distance to cover the gap between them, flinging her arms around Ella’s neck.
“I KNEW IT.”
“Shhh.” Ella laughed, shaking her head.
“Congratulations. Oh, honey, I am so plea
sed for you. After everything. Sam will be over the moon too.”
A grin took over Ella’s face, and she sighed contentedly, squeezing Holly back. “I know he will. Finally, maybe everything can fall into place and we can get back to normal. Whatever that is.”
“Yeah, until you stop being able to get any sleep at night.”
That would be different; having her baby in her arms would make up for any loss of sleep.
Sam was supposed to be home for dinner, at least. She could tell him before they ate and invite Matt over so he could hear the happy news from the two of them.
She let go of Holly. “I need to organise dinner.”
“You should go home now.”
Ella grinned. “I would, but Sam won’t be home until at least five. I want to tell him to his face.”
“Congratulations, lady. You deserve it.”
With a warm glow in her heart, Ella made her way through the office and back to her desk, picking up the phone as she sat. She dialled Sam first, getting his voicemail, which wasn’t unexpected. He’d be in the middle of class.
“Hey, babe. I wanted to make sure you were going to be home for dinner. Love you, bye.”
Next, she dialled Matt.
“Hey, Ella.” His warm, happy tone came down the phone. It was as if their last encounter hadn’t happened.
“Matt. You need to come for dinner tonight.” If anyone was going to celebrate with them, it’d have to be Matt.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“You’ll find out when you get there.” Ella tried to hide the excitement in her voice. It would be easy to spill the beans, scream the news to the world, but Sam had to be next.
“What time?”
“Six-thirty.”
“Fine. I’ll be there. You’ve got me curious, Mrs Mason.”
Ella laughed. “See you then.”
She took a deep breath as she hung up the phone. How on earth she would keep a lid on this until she went home was beyond her, but this was something she had to say to Sam’s face, to see the joy in his eyes at their success. All the weight that had been sitting on Ella’s shoulders lifted as she smiled to herself.
The hours ticked by until it was time to go home, and Ella bolted at the first opportunity, her insides twisting with excitement. After all this time, what would Sam say? He’d be over the moon, as she was, and maybe, just maybe he’d spend more time at home with her as they entered a new stage of their life together.
As she sat in the hideous Auckland traffic, she daydreamed about his expression and how now they would have everything they’d ever wanted. It didn’t matter if they didn’t have any more. Sam would adore the child he asked for, and Ella would love and nurture them both for the rest of her life.
This would fix all the bad in their relationship, and her misery at his frequent absences. They would be happy and stronger than ever before.
She grinned at the sight of Sam’s car in the driveway, and clambered from the driver’s seat, eager to get inside the house and scream her news from the rooftops.
Sam sat on the couch, leaning forward slightly, his head in his hands like he was tired.
Poor thing. He works so hard.
“Hey, babe,” she said brightly.
He raised his head, his eyebrows knitted together as if he was worried about something.
“Sam, I have something to tell you.”
He pulled at his tie, loosening it and nodding as he took a deep breath. “Ella, I have something to tell you. Can I go first?” He sounded so serious.
She frowned. What could it be? Tension rolled through her, and she stiffened at his serious tone. Had he lost his job as they were about to start their family? That could screw so many things up.
“Sure.”
He took her hands in his and pulled her down to sit on the couch with him, never meeting her eyes, looking down at his fingers entwined with hers the whole time.
Oh, God, what’s happened?
Sam swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he finally raised his face to look at her, stress etched across his face. Whatever this was, it wasn’t pleasant.
Please don’t let him have lost his job. Not now.
“It’s like this, Ell. I love you—I mean, I really love you. Have since that first day we were together. But this whole baby-making thing has driven me insane. It’s been so hard to live like this, with you so stressed over not being able to conceive and not knowing why. I felt like we were having sex to make a baby, not having as much fun with one another anymore.”
Tears formed, stinging her eyes. What was he trying to say?
“Sam, I need to tell you …”
“I don’t even know how to say this, but there’s someone else.”
Ella’s world collapsed with the words, blood rushing in her ears as she struggled to keep looking at him for a sign that this was some kind of sick joke. That was what her heart wanted. Her head told her he was serious.
“What do you mean, someone else?” she whispered.
“Do you remember Petra?”
“That student that showed up here? Are you for real?”
“She’s not a student anymore. Hasn’t been for some time.”
Ella pulled her hands away. Her palm stung as she slapped Sam across the face, and he grabbed her hand to stop her from doing it again. Matt might have kissed her twice, but she hadn’t initiated it, nor would she ever have slept with him or anyone else behind Sam’s back.
“Ella, it was bound to happen. Our relationship was under so much strain, and we tried so hard, baby. We really did.”
She bit back the tears, fighting them as she shook her head. “No. I tried. You gave up.”
“She’s pregnant.”
A sick feeling in her gut grew, and she wheezed as she took a deep breath, fighting the urge to start crying.
“You fucking bastard.”
A small V formed between Sam’s eyes as he stared at her. Ella never swore; this was something new for her. She’d never felt strongly about anything enough to say the word that usually made her cringe.
“Ella …”
“What do you want me to say, Sam? I did everything you wanted. Always.”
He nodded. “I know, and I’m so grateful to you for it all. There was something missing in our relationship.”
She fought harder, determined not to cry. “The only thing missing in our relationship was you.”
Shaking with anger, she pulled away, scooting to the other end of the couch. Anything to put distance between them.
“I’m sorry.”
“I can’t even process this.”
“She was there for me, Ella, and she wanted me. You were so hard to live with, and I couldn’t cope with it. We had amazing moments, but it’s been so difficult going through this.”
Ella bit down on her fist. “I was right here, and I wanted you.” She let out a sob, and he reached for her other hand. Angrily, she snatched it away, glaring at him.
He nodded. “I’ll get out of here.”
Sam stood, making his way to the door where she now saw his suitcase. Right beside the doorway—he was packed and ready to go. She’d walked straight past it without noticing, so entangled in her thoughts, her dreams of making him happy. Of making them both happy.
“I’ll be in touch. There’ll be things we need to sort out. You can keep the house. It’s more yours than mine.”
Ella fixed him with a steely gaze. “That reflects the effort I put into our marriage.” She refused to cry, clamping her lips together and breathing heavily.
“Yeah, it probably does.” He shrugged. “Goodbye, Ella.”
And like that he was gone, the door closing behind him. Ella let out a sob, her lungs letting go of the air that had been trapped inside for what felt like forever.
Sam.
21
MATT
I pulled up outside the house, puzzled at the lack of light coming from it. And yet, Ella’s car sat in the drivewa
y. Maybe they’d gone out in Sam’s car.
So much for my dinner invite.
I’d been to this house hundreds of times, and it wasn’t like Ella to forget. We’d only spoken about dinner a few hours ago, and she’d been so excited about something. I’d spent the afternoon debating whether or not to call her back and ask her if she was pregnant, but if it wasn’t that, all I’d do was upset her. That was how happy she’d sounded.
I stepped out of the car, walking around and onto the footpath. Something just didn’t seem right. The hairs on the back of my neck stood to attention as I approached the house. Call it intuition, but I wasn’t about to get back into my car.
The living room curtains weren’t drawn, and I tried to peek in the window but couldn’t see a thing in the darkness that surrounded me. I moved to my right, to the door, and knocked, just in case.
Uneasy about just leaving, I waited for a while, looking around to see if anything was strange or out of place. Nothing stood out, and I pulled my mobile out of my pocket and dialled Ella.
Her phone was inside. The Thunderbirds theme played in the house, somewhere in the living room. Now I was on high alert. She never went anywhere without that damn phone.
“Ella,” I called. Damn it. Why hadn’t I taken that spare key when they’d offered?
Because you didn’t trust yourself to stay away from her.
I knocked on the door again. “Ella?”
My phone still in hand, I dialled Sam and it went straight to voicemail.
Damn it.
I redialled Ella. This time, the ring cut off and went to voicemail. The door clicked as it opened, and in the shadow I could just make out Ella standing inside.
“Hey. Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry, Matt. Dinner is off.” Her voice was low and calm, not that of the usual bubbly, happy woman I knew.
“I don’t care about dinner. I want to know what’s going on.”
“I can’t talk to you right now,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”
The door creaked as it closed, and I planted my foot to wedge it open.
“Matt, please.” Her voice cracked as she pleaded with me. I wasn’t about to leave. Not until I saw her face and found out what was going on.
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