How quickly it had all gone downhill.
Now he kissed her like a man possessed, and he cupped one breast in his hand, running his thumb over the nipple, leaving her gasping at the contact.
“Where is this coming from?” she asked. He didn’t know the answer, just that he’d had enough of things being the way they were. Maybe it was partly guilt from neglecting her, and burying himself in other things to take away the pain of what seemed to be their relationship dying.
From the way her body reacted to his touch, nothing was dying here.
“I’ve missed you.” He meant the words, no matter how corny they sounded.
“I’ve missed you, too.” She ran her hand down his back, the joy in her eyes unmistakable. This was what his lady needed.
He kissed her again, long and deep, as he dropped his hand to pull up the hem of her nightgown. Ella moaned as he touched her, stroking her clit with his fingers, her eyes rolling back in her head at the first orgasm he’d given her in, well, he couldn’t remember how long.
This was how she deserved to be treated.
Maybe his idea from the other night wasn’t that bad. Matt could help them out.
“We could invite Matt for a threesome,” he whispered.
Her mouth fell open in horror, pain taking over her eyes in a way he’d never seen. She froze, her eyes wide.
“What are you talking about?”
“It might be one way to make a baby, and if we end up with a sperm donor, I can’t imagine anyone we’d want more.”
Her eyes pleaded with him, but he meant every word. If Matt could help them achieve this where Sam had failed, it was worth it.
“But I want your baby,” she said.
“I know. But if you can’t have my baby, Matt would be every bit as good. I’m sure he’d say yes, Ella.”
“Why do you always have to ruin everything?” she whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks. “This was the most amazing night in ages, but you dragged it somewhere it shouldn’t ever go. I love you; I want you. Matt means to the world to me, but not like you. You’re my husband.”
Sam lost the ability to speak. He’d tried to do what he’d thought was the right thing, hurting her all over again.
She rolled over, turning her back on him. This was it. Either go back to square one or make the effort.
“I love you so much, Ella. I want to give you what you want, but it’s not working. I want you to be happy again.”
Ella rolled back to look at him. “I want to be happy again, but it’s so hard. It doesn’t help when you come up with ideas like that when things seem good between us.”
“I’m sorry.” He nuzzled her cheek, pulling her close.
“I’m sorry, too. I know this whole thing has driven me a little nutty, but we’ll get there.”
He swallowed, hard. “Yeah. I’m sure we will.”
She wrapped her arm around his waist, snuggling in against him. He’d done it, broken the moment between them with his silly musings. He was sure Matt would have been eager to join Ella in bed. Who wouldn’t? She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known, inside and out.
But once again, Sam had screwed up everything.
19
MATT
It hadn’t taken long to find a job and a flat. My work experience overseas left me in good stead back in Auckland, and I landed a job with a software development company making apps.
I lived not far from Sam and Ella, which was good in some ways, but not in others. Vanessa’s messages still haunted me, and the way she’d begged me to come home for her sister. I watched from a distance.
I’d been back a month when Sam invited me over for dinner. I hadn’t seen either of them since those first few days I’d been back, I’d used work as an excuse to stay away.
This time though, I thought it might be good to check in and see them. Maybe if I kept my distance but still kept in touch it’d make it easier to get over it all.
I was due at their place at five-thirty, when Ella came home, but the guys at work were having a boozy late lunch, and I bailed instead. I could always wait outside their place.
Her car was in the driveway, and I parked outside, puzzled at its presence. She hadn’t called to change plans, so assuming she’d finished work early, I headed to the front door.
I knocked, looking around at the garden. It had flourished while I’d been away, Ella taking it from basic to blooming with colour. She seemed to have the magic touch with everything, whether it be plants or people. A woman of many talents.
I turned at the sound of the door opening. My smile drained from my face as I looked at those bloodshot raw eyes. She was always one to wear her heart on her sleeve, but I’d never seen her quite so forlorn.
Every month it gets worse.
Sam’s words echoed in my head, but now I saw it for myself. Ella was heartbroken, as she had been last month, and the month before no doubt.
All the time I was away, I’d, had no idea things were this bad. My chest ached at how alone she must feel. Sam would still be at work, but after his previous response to her tears it didn’t take much to work out Sam still wouldn’t be here for her.
“Hey,” I said softly.
“Hi. Sorry, I must look a sight.”
My eyes searched hers for some sign of spirit, that twinkle. It was nowhere to be seen. “You look amazing, as always. What’s going on?”
She flapped her arms as she turned and walked back into the living room, sitting on the couch. “Same old story. Another month where I’m not pregnant.”
I followed, sitting beside her, scrutinising her as she sniffed, a screwed up tissue between her fingers. Judging by the pile on the other end of the couch, she’d been here a while.
“Tell me what’s going on. Don’t you start your treatment soon?”
She nodded. “We’re booked in, but I hoped in the meantime …” She trailed off, staring at the tissue.
“Where’s Sam?”
“Working.” She checked her watch. “He’ll be home in about an hour.”
I closed my eyes. Surely he must know. Was he that out of touch, or did he not care?
“Why are you putting yourself through this, Ella? Is this for you, or is it something you’re trying to do to please Sam?” I opened my eyes, fixing my gaze on her, frustrated by her anguish, torn by her pain.
“What do you mean?” she asked the question with her eyes so full of confusion.
I took a breath, working out how the hell to word this without upsetting her more. “One of the things I truly love about you is how much you try to take care of everyone. Including me. You’re a people pleaser. And that’s not a bad thing at all. I think it’s wonderful. But are you driving yourself this crazy over something you wanted?”
Understanding registered on her face, and Ella dropped her gaze. She didn’t need to reply for me to know the answer.
“So you’re turning yourself in knots in an attempt to make him happy.”
“He suggested it, but I want it, Matt. I want it more than anything.”
I raised my hand to touch her face, the contact I’d vowed to stay away from. But she was right there, and she needed me, needed a friend.
“I know you do, but this is eating you alive,” I whispered.
With my thumb, I wiped the tears rolling down her face as she blinked, her lips parting and then closing as if she struggled to find anything to say. Eighteen months I’d stayed away, distancing myself from the feelings I had for her, and now they punched me in the gut as we gazed at one another. I didn’t want to simply love her anymore—I needed to love and protect her.
All I wanted right now was to take her in my arms and kiss her. Kiss the tears away, kiss the pain away, and take every little bit of hurt from her eyes. Instead I held her tight, wrapping my arms around her as she cried on my shoulder.
I stroked her hair, burying my face in it, breathing Ella in.
I love you.
I didn’t dare say the
words. She’d run a mile. No matter how hurt she was, no matter how indifferent Sam could be, she was so fiercely loyal. By confessing my love, all I would do was drive her away. That was the last thing I wanted.
“Sam even suggested …” She trailed off, as if lost in thought.
“Suggested what?”
Ella’s eyes darted from side to side. Her cheeks blazed red. She did that thing where she sucked her bottom lip through her teeth, like she was holding something back.
“I thought we were going to be okay. Sam was so affectionate. And then he suggested that …” She stopped again, dropping her gaze, closing her eyes. “He said we could invite you for a threesome, that maybe you could father our child.”
Desire coursed through my veins at the thought of being with Ella with no guilt. But that didn’t work for me—it had to be all or nothing. I would never be able to walk away from her.
“What did you say?” I had to know.
“I shouldn’t even be telling you this, but I don’t know who else I can talk to. Vanessa would freak. I know he said it with the best of intentions, but it hurt that he threw it out there.”
I ran a finger down her cheek, tilting her chin so she couldn’t look away again. “He’s about as subtle as a brick sometimes.”
Her eyes searched mine, and I was lost as we sat so close, looking at one another.
“Ella,” I said softly.
“Don’t.” One word was all she whispered. At least some of the feelings I had for her were reflected in her eyes. Ella was always such an open book, and right now I could see all the way into her heart.
I didn’t stop myself, I couldn’t, despite my vow to stay away, and I bent my head, kissing her softly at first. Her shoulders slumped as she sank into it, kissing me as I ran my hands down her back. This was wrong, so wrong, but it felt more right than anything had in forever.
“Ella,” I said again as we broke apart.
“We can’t do this,” she whispered.
“I can’t help the way I feel about you.”
Tears welled in her eyes again. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but no words came out. There was only one thing left for me to say, despite my misgivings.
“I love you.”
She blinked back her tears, letting out a squeak as she took in what I’d said. The torment in her eyes was unbearable, but my relief from finally saying the words to her face was indescribable.
“Matt.” Her pained tone told me everything. She couldn’t say the words back, couldn’t think it, but somewhere in her heart was a space for me. More than there should be.
“You don’t have to say anything more. I can see it in your face. Another time, another place, and all of this could have been different. I’m not stupid; I know you love Sam more than anything. I hope you have the baby you want, and you’re happy for the rest of your lives together.”
She leaned in to me, and I closed my eyes as her tears wet my shoulder. Maybe this was what she needed—a literal shoulder to cry on. I hadn’t meant to pour all that out on her, but everything was so screwed up already. How long had Sam brushed off her despair for? He loved her, that much was true, but when had his breaking point been? He glossed over the sadness that now filled his wife.
All I knew was that I wanted to hold her in my arms for the rest of my days.
I wasn’t back to where I’d started.
I was much, much deeper.
SAM WAS due home around six, and I’d volunteered to help Ella. Normally, she would have refused, running around after the two of us and making sure everything was to her perfect standards.
Maybe it was because she was so down, but she’d accepted, and I stood at the kitchen bench, peeling potatoes.
“Ella, about before …” I said, tipping the chopping board up to drop the potatoes into the steamer.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I don’t want it to screw things up between us.”
She sighed, wiping the bench down with a clean sponge. “Everything’s so screwed up right now. I just want things to be the way they used to be.”
“I know.”
Ella walked away, back into the living room, and I followed her, watching as she picked up the discarded tissues. She’d stopped crying, but her eyes were so tired. She looked up at the clock. It was now a little after six, and she frowned.
“We might as well eat. I’m not sure what time Sam will be home,” she said.
“He can’t be that far away.”
She gathered the remaining tissues and walked back into the kitchen, dropping them into the rubbish bin. I fished my mobile out of my pocket and dialled Sam.
It rang a couple of times before going to voicemail.
“I’ll just get us some food, Matt. He can have his whenever he gets home.” Her tone was flat, disappointed, but she was calm, as if she’d accepted this a hundred times before.
“He knows I’m coming for dinner, doesn’t he?”
“I told him. Maybe he forgot.” She shrugged, turning to the oven. I grabbed the dinner plates out of the cupboard they lived in, and placing three on the bench, I smiled as she lifted the roasting dish with the crumbed chicken pieces out.
“That smells amazing. I miss your cooking.”
She shrugged. “It’s nothing special.”
“Everything you do is special.”
The words were out of my mouth before I could stop themI hadn’t meant to say anything to make her uncomfortable. She was, I could see it, as her eyes widened for a moment before she turned her head away from me.
“You can’t say things like that,” she said.
She worked in silence, placing the chicken, potatoes and peas on the plates, handing me one without a word.
I trailed behind her, back to the dining table. The quiet was unnerving in a house that used to have a lot of noise and laughter. This was my fault. I never should have said the words, never should have told her what was in my heart.
A few minutes passed, but it seemed like an eternity in the silence. Ella jumped as the front door opened, Sam shoving it shut behind him.
“Hey, babe. Matt, what are you doing here?”
He drew closer to the table, leaning over Ella to kiss her cheek. She screwed up her face, turning her head away. The overpowering smell of beer filled my nostrils.
“You two invited me for dinner. Remember?”
He frowned, his eyebrows dipping as he obviously tried to rack his brain. “Oh. Sorry. I went for a couple of drinks after work. What’s for dinner?”
“Crumbed chicken,” Ella said flatly.
“Nice.” He stood there, looking at her plate until she rolled her eyes.
“I’ll go and get you some. Sit down.” She picked up her plate as she stood, taking it back to the kitchen.
“Ella makes the most amazing fried chicken. She just needs to stop eating it.” Sam slurred the words, and sat beside me with a stupid grin on his face. He wasn’t just drunk; he was toasted.
“I’m glad she didn’t hear that,” I grumbled.
He shrugged. “I can’t give her what she needs. It’s not like she really wants me that much anymore.”
“Stop being a dick.” I glared at him, shoving his arm to wake him as his eyes fought to go to sleep. “Did you drive home like this?”
“I got a taxi. I’m not that stupid.”
“Stop acting like it, then.”
Ella returned, placing Sam’s dinner plate in front of him. He grinned at her, still fighting his eyelids. “Thanks, babe.”
She sat next to him, watching as he fumbled with the knife and fork, checking him over. I’d seen him drunk, but this was ridiculous. What on earth had he been thinking?
A few mouthfuls, and he was nearly asleep in his food. “Want to go to bed?” Ella stroked his hair.
“I thought you’d never ask.” He laughed, resting his head on her arm and locking his gaze on me. “Didn’t I tell you that I have the perfect girl?”
He lurched fo
rward, and I caught him before he fell from his chair. “Whoops.”
“Come on, mate. I think it’s time to get you to your bed.” I stood, pulling him up with me and looping my arm around his waist to keep him upright. I took a few steps, dragging him with me into the hallway and toward his room.
“No offence, but I don’t want to go to bed with you.” He laughed, trying to steady himself and failing as I dropped him in the doorway and onto his bed.
“Feeling’s mutual. Get some sleep.”
He fell asleep almost as soon as he hit the bed, at some awkward angle. I shook my head as I closed the door behind me. He’d regret that in the morning.
Ella stood out in the hallway, her arms crossed defensively, her brow furrowed in concern.
“He’s sleeping sideways in your bed. I don’t know if there’s room for you.”
She nodded. “It’s okay. I’ll sleep in the spare room. Thanks for helping him.”
“All the time I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him that drunk.”
Ella shrugged. “I know he goes for a drink sometimes after class. Never in the day time and never that bad. I don’t know what’s going on with him.”
She led me to the front door, looking at her feet as I turned to say goodbye.
“Sorry dinner was so awful,” she said.
“Dinner was fine. I’m sorry things got so heavy.”
She met my eyes, sucking me in with the sadness in hers. This was a woman who seemed to be fighting to keep her head above water, only to be dragged back under by everything going on around her.
“Have a good night’s sleep. Give me a call if you or Sam need anything else.”
“Thank you.”
For a moment we just stood there. I had no idea what to say, and I guess she didn’t either. So I nodded, turning back toward the car and walking away.
She stood in the doorway, watching me until I pulled out into the road and drove away.
All I could do was give them space.
20
ELLA
Ella yawned. It had to be the longest day ever, and all she could think about was going home to snuggle into bed and sleep. With Sam would be nice, too, but there was no point holding her breath over that.
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