Almost a Mirror

by Kirsten Krauth

  She wishes there was some way, even now, to break his fall.

  Mona sings as she drives and glances sideways at Ro, who hums along and joins in at the one point he remembers.

  Spring Rai-ai-ain!

  I love this song! She smiles.

  Me too!

  Jimmy and I always used to play it on road trips.

  How long until we get there?

  Forty minutes in. Not bad.

  We’ll get there when we get there.

  Ro scrunches up his face, holding Jimmy’s ghetto-blaster in his arms. Fiddling with the knobs and sliding the controls up and down.

  This looks like a robot’s face.

  After the song finishes, he yells at her.

  Again! Again! Mama, what track is ‘Spring Rain’?

  Mona glances at the cassette cover. Jimmy’s spidery numbering.

  Side B. Track 22.

  I want track 22 again! How do I go back to that song?

  He starts pressing all the buttons on the tape recorder.

  Stop! It’s not like a phone or a CD player. You have to hold the button down to go back to find the start of the song. It doesn’t happen automatically.

  Which button?

  Hang on! You’ve got to be gentle with that tape.

  She heads to the side of the road and stops the car.

  Mama, why are we pulling over? Can we play track 22 again?

  She leans over across the gearstick and puts her face close to his so she can tell he’s listening and puts on her serious mum voice.

  His eyes look all over the place except at her.

  Remember how we talked about giving me time to answer when you ask a question rather than asking the same question over and over again? It wears me out when you do that.

  Mona takes the tape recorder off him and points to the silver buttons beneath the cassette. She can’t believe how heavy it is.

  I want to show you how to use the machine.

  She hovers her finger over the button with the two little arrows pointing backwards.

  This is the button you press to rewind the tape. You need to stop the tape first. And then hit rewind.

  She guides his finger over the button and they press down together.

  What’s rewind?

  He listens to the pitch with his head tilted and his eyes half-closed like Beanie.

  It’s when you want to hear something again. It’s about returning to the same spot. You have to press the button down until you find it.

  Ro sticks his head down close, his nose pressed right against the plastic, to watch as the cassette tape spins.

  He puts his finger over hers and pushes it down with a thud.

  Now what? he says.

  Rewind is what happens when you want to go back to the start and listen to it all again.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Thanks to the many writers, readers, artists and musicians who have helped me write this book either by sharing their memories and advice, or reading my work with such tenderness and generosity: Richard Flanagan, Kirsten Tranter, Michael Simic, Annabel Smith, Emily Maguire, Christos Tsiolkas, Natasha Mitchell, Angela Savage, Michael Adams, Simmone Howell, Elizabeth Murray, Nic Low, Cate Kennedy, Nathan Curnow, Zoe Hambleton, Cameron Raynes, Robert Forster, Dolores San Miguel, Jen Jewel Brown, Mick Harvey, Sarah Sentilles, Jenny Valentish, Clare Moore, Dave Graney, Doug Falconer, Scott Carne, Tim Ferguson, David Sterry, Pierre Sutcliffe, Stephanie Holt, Polly Borland, Walter Mason, Hugo Race, Phill Calvert, Benedict Stewart, Penny Ikinger, Jo Case, Edwina Preston, Harry Howard, Paul Goldman, Rose Michael, Brenda Walker, Angela Meyer, Kevin Brophy, Sue Woolfe, publicity wiz Denise Button, and Penny Ryan and Suzanne Phoenix for their cool photography.

  A special mention to Elizabeth Geddes for doing the graphics, my agents through the ages Jo Butler and Virginia Lloyd for their smart perspectives and time, my supervisor Ross Gibson at the University of Canberra for his brilliance and compassion in all things, and Jen Turner for my website. Also, Julia Tsalis, Jane McCredie, Sherry Landow and Ashley Kalagian-Blunt from Writing NSW who have been so supportive for over a decade!

  The team at Transit Lounge have been a dream. Thanks to Barry Scott and Tess Rice for their support of literary fiction, Penelope Goodes for the sensitive editing and Josh Durham for the evocative cover.

  The Facebook group ‘I Got Drunk at the Crystal Ballroom’ was a great source of inspiration and information. Thanks to everyone who remembered (and didn’t) the big picture and tiny details. Also special mention to all those who helped with research: Christian Mortensen, Melynda Von Wayward, Molly Crow, Saskia Reus-Smith, John van Tiggelen, Anna Hedigan, Adam Ford, Gerard Elson, Sean Bowley, Lindsay Greer, Jodie Basquet, Amanda Heydon, Paula Pope, David Stretch, Sarah Burdekin and James Traill who let me in to look at the Ballroom.

  Hugs to my family and friends: my kids, Finn and Greta, who inspire me, quite literally, as I follow them around taking notes, Mum, who offers sharp proofreading skills, cheerleading and warm meals at tough times, Phil, Shoni, Dad, Fi, Anni, Ruby, Alinta, Damon, Jill, Kate, Ra, Jane, Lisa, Anna, the Krauth Sydney clan, Peter, Shera and the Lady Fun Times crew – and all the wonderful people who have made Castlemaine feel like home.

  This novel was written as part of a PhD in creative writing at the University of Canberra and developed with the help of a Varuna Residency Fellowship. It was shortlisted for the Penguin Literary Prize in 2019.

  REFERENCES

  An 80s song – lyrics, mood, melody and video clip – inspired each chapter of this novel. To listen to the mixtape as you read, head to the Almost a Mirror playlists at Spotify, Apple Music and YouTube.

  The epigraph comes from Ben Folds’s memoir A Dream About Lightning Bugs, published by Simon & Schuster in 2019. Thanks, Ben, for the permission!

  ALMOST A MIRROR: Lyric from the song ‘Shivers’, written and sung by Rowland S Howard when he was sixteen and a member of the Melbourne band The Charlatans in 1976. The song went on to be a Boys Next Door single, performed by Nick Cave.

  IN YOUR EYES: Song quoted is from ‘Kindertotenlieder’, a song cycle (1904) for voice and orchestra by Gustav Mahler. The words of the songs are poems by Friedrich Rückert, ‘Songs on the Death of Children’, 428 poems, 1833–1834.

  BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE: The description of the abortion procedure is based on the narration in The Silent Scream, a 1984 anti-abortion film.

  WIDE OPEN ROAD: The first line is a riff on a quote from Hunter S Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

  A HAZY SHADE OF WINTER: Poem is ‘Conversations about Home (at the Deportation Center)’ by Warsan Shire.

  THE UNGUARDED MOMENT: The collection Mona browses through is Patrick Pound’s ‘The Great Exhibition’.

  CRYSTAL BALLROOM: Details for the various depictions of the Crystal Ballroom and the music scene of early 1980s Melbourne were gleaned from Clinton Walker’s Inner City Sound, Stranded, Miles Brown’s ‘Scenes from the Staircase: A Look Back at the Crystal Ballroom’ and numerous articles; Dolores San Miguel’s The Ballroom: The Melbourne Punk & Post-Punk Scene; Richard Lowenstein’s films Dogs in Space and We’re All Living on Dog Food; all the fantastically helpful people at the ‘I Got Drunk at the Crystal Ballroom’ Facebook page; online documentaries including Tribes of Melbourne and Punkline, Melynda von Wayward’s ‘Punk Journey (The History of the Melbourne Punk Scene), 1977–87’, vimeo.com/punkjourney; The Best Music Writing Under the Australian Sun, including David McComb’s ‘Fanlessness’, Fiona McGregor’s ‘Looking for Lenny K’, Neil Murray’s ‘Cry When We’re Gone’, Trevor Byrne’s ‘Pugdust’ and Malcolm Knox’s ‘God’s Playpen’; the ABC documentary series and accompanying book by James Cockington, Long Way to the Top; editor Kate Morgan’s A Song for the Road; Ian Johnston’s The Bad Seed; exhibitions and collections at the Melbourne Arts Centre; the Best Australian Album series; memoirs including those by Robert Forster, Hugo Race, Mark Seymour, James Freud and Chrissy Amphlett; articles by Vicki Riley, Jillian Burt,
Alan Webster, Chris McAuliffe, Ashley Crawford and John Stapleton; interviews with Polly Borland, Jenny Watson and Alannah Hill; and the many documentaries, interviews and video clips featuring Boys Next Door and The Birthday Party members Nick Cave, Rowland S Howard, Mick Harvey, Tracy Pew and Phill Calvert.

  Kirsten Krauth is an author and arts journalist who lives in Castlemaine. Her writing has been published in the Guardian, Saturday Paper, Monthly, Age/SMH and Overland. She’s inspired by photography, pop and punk, film, other writers and growing up in the 80s. Almost a Mirror was shortlisted for the Penguin Literary Prize and her first novel is just_a_girl. For more on the book visit @almost.a.mirror on Instagram or search out Almost a Mirror on YouTube, Spotify and Apple Music to hear the playlist.