Shifting Gears

by Jenny Hayut

  “Oh. Um, yeah, right,” I say with relief.

  Holt laughs under his breath. “Well, get used to it, babe, because I plan on being around you a lot. Every chance I get.” His eyes suddenly turn lazy as his grin becomes more of a smirk. “Don’t think I don’t know what you just did to yourself in the bathroom either. I remember what you look like after you come. Just seeing your face when you walked out that door made me hard, baby. I hope like fuck I get the chance to look down on that face after you’re screaming my name. I just fucking wish I could’ve been those fingers. Soon, baby, soon I will work them on you again.”

  Yep, it’s time to go. I don’t know how much more of this I can take—being alone with him, listening to his words, remembering.

  “Holt, it’s getting late, I need to get home. Can you please take me back to my car?”

  “Your wish is my command, babe,” he says, with a wicked grin.

  Um, that was too easy. Yeah, not liking that.

  I lead him to the register, and after he pays, he pulls me to him, wrapping his arm around my lower back like he’s letting the world know I’m his. It arouses me, but I fight it back. I cannot give in to him. My heart can’t survive it again. For the first time since he left, I’m feeling good about where I am. I love my job, my friends. My animals, like always, are there for me when I need them. I’m not about to let Holt just walk back in and bulldoze his way through all the walls I put up to protect myself from getting hurt again. I can’t. I won’t.

  Chapter 9

  Holt pulls alongside my Honda and puts Sex on Wheels in park, but leaves the engine roaring. That’s a good sign that he’s not hopeful of anything. That rumble beneath me though, it’s stirring my body. I woke my craving in that cramped bathroom, and it’s refused to go back to sleep. Damn it all to hell.

  Keep it together, Niki. Keep it together.

  I slip off the seatbelt, grab the door handle, but Holt’s hand on my arm stops me. Here we go.

  “Wait. Talk to me. I know you’ve got words for me. I see it in your face. Talk to me, Nicolette. What’s going on in that head of yours right now?”

  What’s going on in my head? Ripping off his clothes and straddling his naked body. I have to get out of this car. Now. Before it’s too late. Before I can’t stop myself.

  “Babe?”

  The sound of his voice washes my fantasy away as I slowly lift my head to see him staring at me intently, waiting for me to speak.

  Just say it, Niki. Say your piece. Then get out of the fucking car.

  I take a deep breath. “You know, it was bad enough that you left without saying goodbye, without giving me a chance to deal with whatever situation was dragging you away from me. But to find out I wasn’t the only one? That you were sleeping with somebody else when you were with me? I was certain you’d left because of—” I stop myself before I go too far. He’s not getting that.

  “What the fuck did you just say, woman?”

  I look at him, confused, not wanting to repeat myself.

  “Who the fuck else was I supposed to be fucking?”

  “What?” I manage.

  “I said, who the fuck else was I supposed to be fucking?” he growls.

  I can’t answer him. Is he pissed because I found out or is it not true? Did Amber lie to me? And I believed it? All this time...

  “Fucking hell, Nicolette. Who told you that?”

  I hesitate because I’m scared for her. Should I tell him? God. But what if it isn’t a lie? What if he’s mad because she told me the truth? I’m sure that’s the case. So fuck it. They deserve each other.

  “It was Amber, the girl I saw you with at The Rox the night you came back. She approached me about a week after you left and told me you’d been sleeping with her while you were with me. She bragged to everyone that you got bored with me and went to her so you could get what you really needed.”

  “That fucking cunt!” Holt roars with such anger that it makes me shift my body up against the door. Anger is in his face, in his eyes. His whole body is possessed by it. He reaches over me, to the glove box and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He slams it shut and lights one then stares out the window in silence.

  I sit there, not knowing what to do, what to say. Wanting to leave but not being able to. My body is holding me back.

  He takes the last few drags then tosses it out, still staring into the darkness. “Nicolette, when I was with you, there was no one else. There have been women since you, but I told you that already. None of them, babe, gave me what you did. None.”

  What the hell does he mean by that? He didn’t know. I never told him. Shit, could he tell?

  “I got addicted to you, babe. Fast. Your mouth on my skin. Fuck, yes. The sweet taste of you on my lips.” He faces me then, just as I feel the burn in my cheeks. Shit. I can’t turn away from his gaze. “Let me give you what I know you want. You need it as bad as me. It never went away. I know it, Nicolette, because I’ve lived with that torment too for the past three fucking years. I see it in your face. I feel it in your body. I know it’s a lot to ask. To trust me. But that’s what I’m asking.

  My whole body is on fire. The want, the need for him to be inside me again is consuming me. I’ll never forget how it felt. Filling me like no man had ever done before.

  I slowly lift my head, and I know he sees the need in my eyes. He doesn’t give me a chance to change my mind as he bolts across the steering wheel, charging at me like a hungry animal going for the kill.

  My lips are quickly swelling from his ravenous kisses, and my body aches for his touch.

  Holt trails kisses along my jaw line until he reaches my earlobe, and I feel his teeth as he nibbles. Dear God. A jolt of heat surges through me, and as he whispers in my ear, “So beautiful,” I’m done. I can’t just sit here anymore. I’m so aroused and ready, and I’ve been wanting for so long... I don’t think. I just feel.

  I push myself up, grab his shoulders, and force him against his seat as I pull myself over, straddling him. I don’t wait for him to react, I attack. He’s not getting away from me. I yank his shirt up and kiss him all over. Like a crazed animal. I can’t stop.

  I barely hear him say, “Fuck, baby.”

  I force his lips open as I slide my tongue into his mouth and kiss him the way I’ve been dreaming about ever since he left me. My hips move toward his, pushing my body into him. Without hesitation, I reach down and unzip him, setting him free. I take him in one hand and stroke up and down.

  “Fuck,” he grunts and drops his hands to my waist as I stop my hand job and wrap my arms around his neck.

  He tightens his hold on my hips as I move over him, feeling his cock up against my jeans, begging to get in. God, it feels so good. Holt has always brought a different person out of me. The one not hiding behind a shield. All those insecurities, those inhibitions, gone. Just. Like. That.

  My heart beats in my throat as my hips continue to dance over his. In the background somewhere, I hear a loud shrieking sound. I try to ignore it, but it just keeps shrieking in my ears. What the hell is that? Shit. The horn. My ass must be hitting it. How long has it been doing that? I immediately stop moving. We must’ve surely gotten someone’s attention. I hope like hell it’s no one in the hospital. How lovely would it be for one of the doctors to see me out here in the parking lot like this, making out with a man in a car?

  Damn it, Niki.

  Even though I had released Holt from his restraints, he hadn’t done the same for me. I’m still fully clothed, though my nipples are swollen and I’m soaked to my core. How the hell did I find myself in this damned position...again...with Holt in this fucking car? Damn it all to hell. The power this man has over me—absolutely totally un-fucking-healthy.

  I quickly shift myself off him and slide back over in the seat. I can’t even look at him.

  My heart is still racing as he leans over and whispers, “I knew you wanted me just as bad.”

  He closes in on me and drops his lips to the sen
sitive crease of my neck. Seems he remembers how that drives me insane.

  For all that’s holy, please stop. Make him stop.

  I tense up as I try not to breathe. I think he senses it as he abruptly stops and leans away from me. He tilts his head toward me, but I don’t give him the chance to speak and I don’t lift my gaze to him. I know what look is waiting for me.

  “It’s late, Holt. I need to get home. I have work tomorrow.”

  He gently strokes a finger along my cheekbone before saying, “Okay, babe.” He then brings his lips to my forehead.

  How can something so innocent turn into something erotic as hell? Is that even possible?

  He pulls away from me and gets out of the car. Before I can open my door, he’s there, holding his hand out to me. “Keys, babe.”

  He unlocks my door, and as we stand there, face-to-face, only inches apart, I try to contain my desire. I want him. I am aching for him. My heart is still beating fast.

  “Call you tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know, Holt.”

  He lifts his finger to my cheek again and strokes it gently. “Babe, you want this. I know you do. Your mind just has to catch up to what your body already knows.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of.” I step away from him.

  Before he can respond or pull me back, I get in my car. He stands there, and I don’t dare look at him again. I’m weak. I know it. Pretty sure he knows it too. I start my car and pull out into the road.

  His engine roars, and I peek in my rearview mirror to see him peel out quickly. He’s driving in the opposite direction, away from me. Where to, I don’t know. But I can’t help but see the similarity to our reality in that.

  Minutes later, I have to stop and pull over on the side of the road. I’m so overcome with my fears and desire for him, the tears come in uncontrollable fits, just like when he left me.

  It’s two-fifteen in the morning by the time I make it home and, thankfully, Cass is asleep on the couch. She was waiting up for me. Love her. I know she’s worried. Because she knows. She’s the only one who knows. She’s the only one who saw me in that fucking messed up, obsessed, depressed, pathetic state after Holt left me. I quickly shower and get to bed, grabbing my iPod.

  I scroll my fingers down and stop at that all-too-familiar playlist I’d once found myself playing over and over again. Medicating me. The voice behind Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor, fills my ears. His song “That’s What I Get” was me. I can hear the same pain and uncertainty in his words. He made me feel like I wasn’t alone, and it seems he hasn’t let me down, coming back when I need him again.

  Chapter 10

  I make it to the kitchen and the smell of coffee brewing. Cass must already be up, which shocks me. She never makes it up before me. But I didn’t get much sleep last night. Holt once again controlled my dreams. I found myself having to cure the need for him again. So out of control. I can’t stop myself from remembering how good it was with him. Taking me over. Drowning me.

  Cass is sitting on one of the barstools, reading the paper. Hearing me, she looks up. “Morning.”

  “Hey.” I shuffle over to the coffee maker.

  “What time did you get in? I tried to wait up for you, but I must’ve crashed before you got back.”

  “Yeah, I saw you. It must’ve been about 2 AM.”

  “I gotta tell you, I’m kinda disappointed I’m seeing your face right now.” She snickers. “I thought it would be glued to Holt’s. Okay, spill it. What happened?”

  I make myself a cup of coffee and prepare to relive my night of hell with Holt.

  “He was waiting for me outside when I went to leave. He made me stick to my deal and have dinner with him, even though neither of us actually ate.”

  “Oh shit, Niki, what were you doing instead?” she asks, with obvious excitement.

  “No, we were just drinking coffee at Sammy’s.”

  I skip the part about my run in with the bathroom stall. I tell her everything, but some things, as pathetic as they are, I have to keep to myself.

  “So? What did he say?”

  “He said the job he was doing forced him to leave. He couldn’t tell me he was leaving or where he was going, because it might’ve put me in danger. I mean, that totally sounds insane and bullshit, doesn’t it?”

  Cass looks at me with a puzzled face. “Well, no. I mean, look at what he does. He deals with dirty people, Nik. The kind who are probably dangerous, just like he says.”

  “I told him about Amber.”

  She belts out a loud laugh. “Good. What did he say about the little whore running her mouth?”

  “He denied it. Said there was no one else while he was with me.” I suck in a breath as I close my eyes. “I lost it, Cass.”

  She stops laughing, but she’s straining to keep herself from grinning. I can tell. “What do you mean lost, hun?”

  “I kind of, um, jumped on top of him, but then my ass kept hitting the horn, and I froze.”

  “Jesus, Nik. Only you, babe. Only you.” She shakes her head, and I know she’s still trying her best not to laugh.

  “Yeah.” I shake my head. “Well, thank God, my ass saved the day. No telling how much further I would’ve let it go.”

  She starts laughing, and I can’t help but do the same. It’s kind of funny, now that I’m not in the car with him.

  “I’m just thankful nobody inside the hospital heard anything and came out. God, how embarrassing would that have been? The boss out in the parking lot, trying to get her ride on. Yeah, that would’ve gone over real well with the other doctors. I still feel like I have to prove myself to them. That’s the last thing I need them to see.” I let out a sigh as I slouch in the chair. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Cass. I mean, when he’s around me, when we’re alone, I get lost. Fast.”

  I shake my head with frustration. Disappointed in myself.

  “He knows. The way my body betrayed me last night, he knows I still want him. But wanting him and needing him are two entirely different beasts. I can’t need him. I can’t.” I shrug, looking down at my coffee cup, dipping my finger in the hot liquid, watching it swirl around, drifting along but confined by the mug. I feel the same way.

  “Well, hun, maybe you should just give it some time. Do you believe what he told you about how he had to leave like that and not being with anyone else? Which by the way, Amber is going to hear some shit from me.”

  I sit there, thinking, replaying his words in my mind. “Yes. I believe him. How insane is that?”

  “It’s not insane, Niki. He never lied to you before. He was always honest with you about his work, he just didn’t tell you much. The only jacked up thing was him leaving like he did and then you thinking he’d been with Amber. He’s given you an explanation for that. Maybe not as clear as it should be, but it’s something.” She puts her hand on my shoulder, and I lift my face to hers. “I know he took a part of you when he left, Nik. I know it. But he doesn’t. You need to tell him, hun. If you really feel like you can give him a chance again, you have to be honest with him. There can’t be any hang-ups. You have to put everything on the table, and so does he, so you both know what you’re working with, what to expect, and how to work it out.”

  “I’m scared, Cass.” But his words do make sense. How can I tell him everything though? Put it all on the table, like she says. What’s he going to think?

  Cass gets up, wraps her arms around me from behind, and hugs me tight. “I know you are, honey. So am I for you. You know I love you like my own sister, and I absolutely hate what that fucker put you through, but it seems he had his reasons, and it seems a lot of it was to protect you. Maybe put yourself in his shoes and think about how hard it was for him to stay away all that time, knowing there was a very good chance you’d moved on. Knowing he’d left you like that, probably hating him.

  “He lived with that thought for three years, Niki. Just think about that. You know I love you, you know I got your back, and you know I�
�m still your hit man if you need me, girl, but that’s how I see things right now. You’ve got to decide what you’re going to do for you. Just remember, life is full of fear. We’ve got to take chances. Sometimes they turn out to be mistakes, but sometimes they turn out to be the best choices we ever make in our lives.”

  God, I love this woman.

  “Somewhere deep down, I know you’re right, but right now I’m just too scared to open those wounds back up. They hurt too much. But I know he’s not going to give up.” I shake my head as I take a sip of coffee. “So Beth saw us at the diner together.” I slide a pancake onto her plate. Since I don’t have to go in until eleven and Cass is off, she talked me into making my pecan praline ones, the triple Ps, we call them. I gave in easily, because cooking, much like music, relaxes me.

  “Oh Lord,” Cass exclaims. “That girl is like a damn walking soap box.”

  I come home and tell Cass about my day at Hobbs, who was mad at whom, who was dating whom. All that. By now, she pretty much knows everybody there and has opinions about all of them. Even though she likes Beth, Cass knows she has a big mouth, because she’s pretty much the same, except when it comes to me. She never shares anything about me with anybody. Ever. Everybody else though, good grief, it’s like watching a soap opera play out. When she comes home from work with all the latest gossip, all that’s missing is popcorn.

  “You better nip that shit in the bud before she spreads it, Niki.”

  “Yeah, I plan to. I feel bad because I lied to her before, when Holt first came in. I told her I didn’t know him.”

  “You’ll figure something out, honey.”

  I shake my head, not as convinced. “Yeah, let’s hope so, because I really don’t want any of them to know about Holt and how freakishly insane he makes me. You know me, Cass. At work, I feel secure, safe. Put Holt in that mix and my sense of control and security is gone. I never know what the hell I’m going to do or say when he’s around.”

  Cass just looks at me and smiles.