Shifting Gears

by Jenny Hayut

  “Did he ever bring it up again after that day?”

  “No.”

  “Well, that gives me something to check out, babe. Did he ever say the name of the group?”

  I let out a sigh, feeling useless. “No.”

  Holt reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “It’s a good lead, and if he went to find them, they can’t be that hard to find.” He snickers. “Can’t be that many fucking bird watching groups. We will find him, babe.”

  ****

  “Mine or yours?” Holt asks as we pull away from Cosmo’s.

  Shit. Here we go.

  “I really don’t think we need to go to the extreme of you being with me twenty-four seven. I’ll be fine. The only time I’m really alone anyway is when I leave work to come home. Cass and I keep the same schedule, for the most part, and, if it makes you feel better, I can get Clay or Ang to keep me company when Cass is working so I won’t be home alone.”

  Holt shakes his head slowly and tightens his lips. “The only way I know you’re safe is if you’re with me. No disrespect to your friends, babe, but they don’t have as much riding on you being safe as I do. You still haven’t fucking realized it yet, Nicolette. You are my woman. I meant what I said. I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on you. When you realize that, you’ll understand why I trust no one when it comes to your safety.”

  I choke up, speechless. I can’t tell him. He won’t help me then. And his what-I-say-goes words rock me again.

  Suck it up, Nik.

  He wants this, to know I’m safe. I have to give it to him. I can do this. I just can’t let myself get caught up in what my body wants. What it screams at me when he touches me, kisses me.

  “Okay, tonight we can stay at your place, but I need to pick up some clothes and shower stuff from home.”

  I know what I’m doing, giving in to him, is a mistake, but I have no choice. Holt’s expression is sheer gratification as he heads in the direction of the condo. A warm, tingly feeling radiates through my skin. Damn it.

  Clay and Ang are both over and chatting it up with Cass as I walk in the door.

  “Hey, Niki-cakes! What’s up, baby?”

  As Holt walks in behind me, Clay’s face pales.

  The two of them exchange glances but neither speak. Seriously, what’s up with them? Every time they’re in a room together, it’s like this. Like a damn stare-off. I guess this is Clay’s way of looking out for me. Love him.

  “Hey, guys. I’m glad you’re all here, because I need to talk to you about something.”

  I tell them all about my mysterious phone call from Vinnie. Their jaws drop, their faces growing pale. I’ve scared the shit out of them.

  “Holt’s going to help me find Doc C so I can warn him about Vinnie and make sure he’s okay.”

  I take a breath and get to the hard part. The part I have a feeling at least one person in the room is not going to like.

  “Now, Holt thinks it’s best that I’m never left alone, that I’m always with one of you, because we aren’t sure if he’s going to target me, thinking I can lead him to Doc C. But at night he wants me to stay with him.”

  Clay makes a noise under his breath, but he doesn’t speak.

  “But, honey, I don’t understand. Why do you think you’re in any danger?” Cass asks.

  Holt steps in now, answering for me. “Vinnie Calhoun is a hunter like me, and he’s a ruthless piece of shit. Nothing stands in his way when he’s chasing a mark.”

  “Well, you’re the same way, aren’t you? What makes it any safer for her to be with you?”

  As soon as she sees the anger in Holt’s face, her voice trembles, and it’s clear Cass regrets speaking.

  He takes in a breath, and although he’s glaring at her, he speaks calmly. “Cassie, the difference is I see people for what they are. I know when someone doesn’t give a fuck about the consequences of their actions, or when someone’s forced to make choices because of what’s going on in their life. Those people, the ones who’ve been put in a corner, forced to do something they wouldn’t otherwise do, they should be given a chance to redeem themselves, to make things right again.” He turns to look at me and grins. “As to why she’s safe with me, that’s easy. She’s my woman.”

  All three of them gasp and jerk their heads in my direction. I have to get out of the room. His words tear at my insides. I walk down the hall to my room.

  I grab an overnight bag and automatically snatch my tank and shorts but then think better of it. I go to my bottom dresser drawer and pull out the long pajama pants and shirt Aunt Helen gave me for my birthday one year that I absolutely loathe. Vomit green with yellow duckies all over them, they’re hideous. I silently thank Aunt Helen as it turns out they’re just what I need right now: a sex repellent. I’m already helpless against his words, his touch. No way I’m going to help encourage it by wearing something sexy or showing too much skin.

  I toss my scrubs for work tomorrow and all my shower stuff quickly into my bag. I take a deep breath before walking out of my room, knowing Holt is there, waiting.

  You can do this, Niki. You can do this.

  As I make my way down the hall to the living room, I’m shocked to see that not only is Holt calm, but he’s talking to Cass and Ang, laughing even. I guess Cass is back to being on Holt’s team. Ang has only ever thought of him as hot, so she never had any ill feelings toward him.

  Clay is still sitting on the couch, pretending to be into the book in his hand. He’s clearly not comfortable with any of this. The way he’s acting, standoffish like this, totally not him. He’s worried, I know. I need to talk to him, but I can’t. Not now.

  I have to get Holt out of his sight before Clay says something to piss him off.

  “I’m ready.”

  I walk up to Cass and lean in to give her a hug. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” I whisper.

  “Okay, hun. Be careful. I love you.”

  I know she’s not talking about Vinnie. I turn to look over at Clay again; he’s still avoiding eye contact with me. “Later, Clay.”

  He mutters, “Yeah.”

  I absolutely hate being in this position. I have to do this to get Holt to help me find Doc C, but having Clay upset and worried about me, it’s killing me.

  My heart is still heavy as Holt steps aside after opening his door to let me in. Kilo helps lighten it a little with his happy frenzy of hellos as we walk in. He goes to Holt first, and it’s obvious they have a connection. I melt just watching them together. It isn’t long before it’s my turn to get Kilo’s kisses as I drop to the floor next to him.

  After playing with Kilo for a while, I grab my cell to check the time. It’s close to ten, and I have to be up early for work.

  I don’t know how this is going to play out, where I’m going to sleep, where Holt is going to sleep. I grab my bag but, as I’m heading for the bathroom, Holt says, “What’s up, baby?”

  “Um, nothing,” I say, “just getting ready for bed. I’ve got work tomorrow.”

  “Hmm. Right. Okay, babe.”

  I make it safely to the bathroom, and as I’m changing into my hideous pajamas, I silently thank Aunt Helen again. I wipe my makeup off and brush my hair out, pee then make my way back out into the room. Where the bed is. With Holt in it.

  My stomach drops at the sight of him lying sideways in bed, facing me, with his head propped up on one arm.

  When he sees me, he roars with laughter. “Hmm, even in those ridiculous pajamas, you’re still sexy as hell, babe.”

  Shit. I try to keep my breath from skipping so he doesn’t see how nervous, how uncomfortable I am being alone in the room with him.

  Thank God there’s no way he can see the fireworks going off between my legs. I pray like fuck he isn’t naked under that sheet.

  I awkwardly walk to the bed and push the bedspread down on my side. As I quickly get in, I try not to look at Holt’s bare chest and those sexy-as-fuck black shorts that rest just below his hips.

  �
�See something you like, babe?”

  Shit. He caught me gawking again.

  Ignoring his question, I turn my back to him, inching as far away as I can get and pulling the covers up to my chin. Shockingly enough, Holt doesn’t say anything to me or try to touch me.

  I feel the absence of his body as soon as he gets out of the bed. The warmth gone.

  “Goodnight, Nicolette. Sweet dreams, baby.”

  Worn springs squeak as he settles himself onto the small two-cushion couch, a few feet away from the bed. It has to be uncomfortable as hell for him, considering his size.

  I don’t dare turn his way to look at him, thinking he might mistake it as invitation to come back. I’m relieved, confused, and disappointed all at once.

  Most of the night, I toss and turn, struggling to sleep. Partly because I’m not in the comfort of my own bed, partly because Holt, by the sound of it, is still awake himself. I reach up to the nightstand and turn the clicking alarm clock to face me. It’s just after three AM. I debate asking Holt to come back to bed because I feel bad that he’s uncomfortable, and I want to feel the warmth of him holding me again. But I’m not caving.

  I hear myself say, “Holt?”

  Groggily, he answers. “Yeah”

  “How’d you learn to play guitar?”

  My boldness shocks me. I’ve never had the courage to ask him such a personal question before.

  “My mom taught me.”

  I lie there and visualize a younger Holt, sitting strumming a guitar as a beautiful woman with midnight-colored hair stands over him.

  I smile in the dark at the vision and can’t help but to want to know more. “Does she play?”

  “Yeah.”

  Holt, ever the conversationalist.

  I keep digging, brave in the dark. “Do you get to see her often, since you’re always on the road?”

  Silence.

  Maybe he finally dozed off?

  “She died when I was seventeen.”

  Damn.

  “I’m sorry, Holt.” I let out a sigh, knowing what it’s like not to have a mother. “How did she—?”

  “It’s late, Nicolette. And, like you said, you’ve got work tomorrow. So go to sleep.”

  Shit. I went too far.

  “Okay,” I whisper as I close my eyes and try to get some sleep.

  ****

  The weight of something at my feet startles me as I wake. When I tilt my head down over the covers, Kilo is peering back at me. I can’t help but smile and giggle escapes my mouth. Sneaky dog. He must’ve waited until I finally went to sleep before jumping up to cuddle with me. I lie there, enjoying his warmth. Remembering waking up so many mornings like this with my sweet Dutchess, my last rescue as a child.

  After a few minutes, I sit up, trying not to disturb Kilo. I should’ve known better though. He’s Holt’s dog. Alert as hell. As soon as I shift, he picks up his head and wags his tail.

  I look over to the couch where Holt is scrunched up in what looks like the most miserably uncomfortable position. One of his legs is hanging off the couch while the other is hiked up over the back of it. His neck looks twisted. He’s probably had even less sleep than I have. I feel horribly guilty for not asking him to come back to bed, but I know it would’ve been a mistake if I did.

  I slowly get out of bed then grab my shower stuff and head to the bathroom. Minutes later, I’m conditioning my hair when the bathroom door bangs open. My heart stops. It could be Vinnie! Shit. I frantically search the shower for something to use as a weapon, but all I can find is my shampoo bottle. I guess it could pack a powerful punch if I hit him across his head hard enough. Maybe. I take hold of it, ready to sling it at whoever’s about to slide the shower curtain open and attack me.

  “Morning.”

  Holt? Relief slams into me, but a second later, it’s followed by anger.

  “Really, Holt, can I not get any privacy?”

  “Babe, you’re forgetting I’ve already seen every inch of that beautiful body of yours. I’m just in here to take a piss. Unless you invite me into the shower, you don’t have to worry about me doing anything more than that.”

  I don’t utter a sound as I hear him walk out, shutting the door behind him. The vision of him fucking me under the hot, pounding water almost has me calling him back. I manage to stop myself but have no control over my hand as I drop it, sliding a finger in to cure my need.

  As I walk out of the bathroom, I focus on hiding what his words did to me yet again. From the corner of my eye, I see that he’s now dressed and sitting on the couch.

  I can feel him watching me as I pull my hair up into its normal tight ponytail. I glance at myself in the mirrored panels, looking at my I’m-not-looking-for a man icky brown scrubs. Satisfied with my appearance, I fish my car keys out of my purse and hear Holt shift to stand.

  “You do realize I drive you to work from now on, right?”

  I jerk my neck to face him. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me, babe. I’m not taking any fucking chances with you. I told you. The only time you are out of my sight is when you’re at work or with your friends. Never alone. In a car driving to work, you’re alone. Not going to happen.”

  He really is serious about this Vinnie guy. “Okay, fine!” I shout. I have to get to work and have no time to fight with him—not that I would win, anyway. “So you think maybe you can take me now before I’m late?” I snatch my purse from the table and throw it over my shoulder.

  “Your wish is my command, baby.” He grins.

  How many wishes am I up to now? Shit, even one is bad news for me.

  Panic sets in as we pull into a parking spot outside the hospital. I don’t want anyone to see us together. I’m not ready, nor will I ever be, to deal with the questions that will surely come.

  I scramble out, slamming the door behind me. As I bend back down into the open window, I thank him for the ride to work. “So you’re going to bring Kilo later, right?”

  “Yeah, got some shit to do this morning, but I’ll bring him this afternoon then pick both of you up when you get off.”

  The sound of those words from his lips. God. I can’t help but feel warm inside from them.

  “Babe, don’t forget. Not alone. You go out to lunch, you go with someone.”

  “Okay, okay. I probably won’t even make it out for lunch, so no worries.”

  “You gotta eat, Nicolette.”

  “Okay, Dad.”

  His mood changes instantly. “I am not your fucking father, although right now you could use some parental adjustment. Like a goddamn spanking over my fucking knee. I don’t need you passing out on me when you beg for my cock again either.”

  “Um, okay, Holt. Got it.” I’m barely able to get the words out, rocked as I am by the vision.

  I look around the parking lot. Thank God no one’s around to hear his raised voice. My cheeks are on fire, but I’m so frazzled I don’t know whether it’s from him scolding me or the sudden image of being bent over his knee and spanked. Damn it.

  “Bye.” I quickly turn and walk away.

  “Bye, beautiful,” he says through his chuckles.

  The roar of Sex of Wheels is in the background as my thoughts go to his words. He’s giving me space. Waiting for me to want him again.

  Chapter 16

  Katy’s mouth is gaping when I walk into the hospital. Great. She saw.

  I ignore her wide eyes and try to breeze past her. “Morning, Katy.”

  She lets out a huff. “Oh my God, Niki, did you just get out of Hot Man’s car? Does that mean you guys are, like, together? Please, Niki, for all that’s holy, you gotta give me some deets here! When did this happen, because I thought—” She stops abruptly.

  What is she thinking? God, have the rumors already started, thanks to Beth?

  I’ve got to give her something so she doesn’t combust, and I really don’t want to lie to her.

  “Let’s have lunch, and I’ll explain, okay?”

  Her f
ace lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.

  ****

  The day is flying by, but with no sign of Beth. I’d hoped I could pull her aside today, apologize for my abruptness when I confronted her about Holt. Unfortunately, when I look at the boards, I discover it’s her day off, which just delays the conversation yet again.

  Just before lunch, I’m walking up to reception to get my charts for my afternoon patients, when I hear the commotion. Alfie, our one and only parrot client, is flying around the lobby. He has a tendency to take a tour of the hospital to escape the exam room. We all know Alfie pretty well and know how harmless he is, so the flying around doesn’t alarm us.

  Unfortunately, Mrs. Harris, in the waiting room with her little white bichon, Francie, is not as calm. Which is probably because Alfie has decided to perch on her head. She isn’t familiar with him, so she starts swatting at her head to get him off. After a few moments of this, Alfie finally flies off, but, to Mrs. Harris’s shock—and, I imagine, embarrassment—he takes her perfectly-groomed wig with him.

  Katy makes the mistake of busting out laughing as Alfie flies around the waiting room with her blond curls dangling from his claws. It’s a funny sight, and I have to stifle my laughter, especially after Mrs. Harris jumps up with Francie in her arms and demands, “Stop that bird! He stole my periwig!”

  Katy, between fits of laughter, says “Peri what? Oh, you mean your fake hair?”

  I lose it at that point, unable to hold back the laughter.

  Mrs. Harris glares at me. “This is the most unprofessionally run hospital now that Doctor Caravan’s put you in charge, young lady. You should be ashamed of yourself for what you’ve let it become!”

  Jason, one of our kennel techs, must’ve heard the racket because he rushes into the lobby. He manages to retrieve Mrs. Harris’s wig from Alfie. When he starts to brush it off, it appears to further infuriate Mrs. Harris, who’s huffing and puffing at this point.

  Snatching it from his hands, she says, “Francie and I will not be coming back here, that is for sure.” She picks up Francie’s carrier and marches with her chin so high in the air I think she might’ve just given herself whiplash. She storms out the door, slamming it behind her.