Shifting Gears

by Jenny Hayut

  I press my body up against Holt as my eyes grow heavy. He wraps his arm around my waist, and I sigh. As I doze off, I have visions of Holt and Kilo picking off the bad guys one by one.

  Chapter 20

  The heat of the sun on my face wakes me up. I immediately feel the absence of Holt and discover I’m alone in bed. Once again, panic overcomes me. This is some of the shit we have to talk about, but I know it will force me to reveal much more than I’m ready to give him. At least right now.

  I don’t know how he’s going to react to it, what he’s going to think of me, but I do know that if whatever we have between us now is going to go somewhere, I have to do what Cass said and throw it all out there. I need to know what his plans are, though. Is he really here on a job or did he just come back for me? I have to know, so I know where we stand. I pull myself out of bed, and as I open my bedroom door, the smell of food cooking hits me. Aunt Helen is making breakfast. I’m guessing Holt has joined her.

  I make my way downstairs after putting some clothes on. I ended up spending the entire night naked, quickly discovering that it not only felt natural to fall asleep with him like that, it helped speed things up when we woke in the middle of the night, hungry for each other again.

  I walk into the kitchen, looking for Holt, but I don’t see him.

  Don’t freak, Nik. Relax. He’s here...somewhere... Right? He didn’t leave.

  “Good morning, sweetheart.”

  “Morning, Aunt Helen.”

  She winks at me. “Sleep well?”

  My cheeks are suddenly warm. Shit, I bet she heard. I knew I was too loud. Damn. “Um, yes, I did,” I manage to get out. It’s driving me crazy not knowing if she heard or not, but no way in hell am I asking her.

  “Good. I wasn’t sure with all that racket coming from Kilo. He was barking his head off last night. Didn’t you hear it?”

  I think back but can’t remember hearing him bark. But then I was rather preoccupied with the beautifully naked man in bed with me. “No, I didn’t hear him.”

  She smiles again. “Hmm.”

  Yep, she knows. Damn.

  “You know, I don’t think I’d be hearing a barking dog either, with a man like that in my bed.”

  Holy hell. Did she just say that?

  “Aunt Helen!”

  “What? You thought I didn’t know? I mean, really, sweetheart, I might be old, but I could still see the way you two were looking at each other all through dinner and on that porch last night. Pretty sure the devil himself couldn’t pull you away from one other.”

  I do not want to get into this conversation with her right now. What if Holt walks in and overhears? I try to shush her.

  “Oh, and you can tell that hunk of man there’s no need for him to sneak back to the guest room at the crack of dawn. Aunt Helen sees all.”

  So that’s where he is. I relax a little as some of the tension and fear disappears. He’s safely in the other room.

  Aunt Helen puts a plate of food on the table for me and motions for me to sit.

  “I’m going to wait until Holt gets up.”

  “Doll, he’s not here. He and Kilo hightailed it outta here not long after I saw him coming out of your room.”

  Those sharp fingernails begin their assault on my body again. I turn away and try to remain calm. I can’t let her see how frantic I am. How out of my mind insane I just became. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I saw Holton come out of his room, grab Kilo’s leash, and the two of them walked out, got in his car, and drove off.”

  Oh my God. Oh...my...God. Did he? No. Not after what he told me last night. He wouldn’t. Would he? But wait, he did say he knew he didn’t deserve me. I deserved better. He couldn’t make me any promises.

  His words start flooding back into my brain, like pieces to a puzzle. I’m desperately trying to put them all together, read between the lines. And all the while, Aunt Helen is watching me.

  I finally mumble, “Maybe they just went for a ride.” Not convinced in the slightest.

  “Funny thing, him taking his handcuffs and gun with him on a ride with the dog.”

  My head suddenly becomes hot and prickly fingers travel down my spine in fear.

  Oh my God. Is it Vinnie. Is he here? In Atlanta?

  “You thinking maybe he was looking for somebody in Atlanta?” she asks me, excitedly.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, is he looking for somebody right now?”

  “I don’t know.”

  She’s looking at me still, and I know what she’s thinking—the exact same thing I am. I don’t know shit. I mean, I know a lot about Holt’s childhood now, what made him the man he is, but I don’t know a thing about the Holt he is today. The here and now. The part I’m in. Or am I? I don’t even fucking know that. It’s one thing to tell me how he feels about me, even though he still hasn’t actually said the words, but what does he plan on doing with those feelings?

  “Why don’t you call him, sweetheart?”

  I guess I’m not doing such a good job of hiding my discomfort. I try to overcome my fears, convince myself he hasn’t left...again.

  I pull my phone out and call him, but all I get is voicemail.

  “Um, hey, it’s Niki. Just wondering if you were coming back soon. Aunt Helen has made us breakfast... Call me.” I hang up. I’m in a panic. Completely freaking out.

  I try to hide it, but Aunt Helen sees all.

  “Baby, what’s the matter? I’m sure he’s okay.”

  She thinks I’m worried about his safety. If only she knew what was going on in my head. The torture. It seems no matter what he says to me, the way he left me before is going to continue to haunt me, make me think the worst every time he disappears.

  He should never have left me like that. No matter how much he tells me now what he feels for me, it doesn’t take away what it did to me.

  “Come on. Let’s eat, and maybe we’ll go for a walk until he gets back.”

  Aunt Helen’s voice calms me, a little. Brings me back down, a little. I don’t want to go for a walk. I want to scream at the top of my lungs: Niki, you stupid fucking idiot. I finish my breakfast and join Aunt Helen on a walk.

  Twenty minutes later, I’m trying to enjoy the beautiful day, which is thankfully mild for summer in Atlanta.

  As usual, this place and my Aunt Helen calm me.

  I half-expect her to drill me about Holt, and I’m ready for the onslaught, but it never comes. Instead, she walks alongside me, her arm entwined with mine, enjoying the peacefulness. Even though we’re in Atlanta, the big city, it doesn’t feel like it.

  We’re on the outskirts, in one of the few remaining rural areas. Full of wide open space. Most of the land surrounding Aunt Helen’s is still working farmland. Odd to think that such a place still exists in Atlanta, but it does, and it’s a wonderfully beautiful escape.

  “It’s so peaceful here. I miss it. I wish I could pack all this up, and you, of course, and bring it back with me.”

  “Sweetheart, you know you’re always welcome here. You could find a job at one of the hospitals here in the city just as easily.”

  Tightening my hold on her arm, I say, “You know I can’t leave Hobbs. I love the people and the animals there too much. I would miss them, and oh my God, they keep me laughing every day.”

  I start telling her about the latest incident with Alfie as my phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket. It’s Holt.

  “Where are you?” he says in a very demanding, angry voice, even before I get the chance to say hello. Seriously?

  “Aunt Helen and I are out on a walk,” I quickly say to him, trying to keep my calm, not wanting to show my anger in front of Aunt Helen.

  “Where the fuck are you right now exactly?”

  Damn it, he’s pissing me off. He gets to leave me, I have no clue where the hell he is, but I can’t go for a walk? Yeah, I can see I need to tell him about my insecurities, which are very much still alive and festering, tha
nks to him.

  “We’re walking back up the street now, about to reach the drive.”

  I hear a click.

  I turn to see Aunt Helen watching me intently. I fake a smile. “That was Holt. He’s home now, wondering where we are.”

  At the top of the drive, there’s no sign of Holt outside, only Sex on Wheels parked near the house and Kilo, who runs up to us. Inside, Aunt Helen heads off to the kitchen, and I go to my room, hoping to avoid Holt until I calm down, before saying something I don’t want Aunt Helen to hear.

  I open my bedroom door only to be yanked in. Holt slams the door behind me in a fury and pins me up against the wall.

  “What the fuck did I tell you, Nicolette?” he growls at me. “Didn’t I tell you not to go walking anywhere?”

  Damn. He had told me that, but I’d forgotten. I feel so comfortable and safe here...and then I’d got all caught in not knowing where Holt was. The promise I’d made him at the deli that day had escaped my mind.

  “Holt, seriously, Vinnie doesn’t know this place. He wouldn’t know to come looking for me here.”

  “You don’t know that, woman.”

  “You know something I don’t?”

  He pushes past my question with his anger. “That doesn’t matter. I fucking told you not to walk anywhere without me. Fuck.”

  I shush him—Aunt Helen is downstairs, trying to listen in, I’m sure. No way in hell do I want her knowing about Vinnie. “What do you mean it doesn’t matter? Where were you, Holt? Did you find Vinnie? Did you find Doc?”

  “No.” He shakes his head, his voice filled with what sounds like frustration and anger.

  That’s all I get? I let out a frustrated sigh and throw my hands up. “No, you didn’t find Vinnie? No, you didn’t find Doc? Which is it?”

  “Nicolette, I was working. I had to meet someone. That’s where I was.”

  “And you had to take your gun and handcuffs with you to meet someone?”

  When he looks at me now, there’s fury in his eyes. “Babe, I don’t go anywhere without my gun and cuffs, unless it’s following you into bed.”

  I quietly wait for the heat wave coursing through my body to subside. I stand there, locked in his stare.

  “Look, I know you feel safe here, but, babe, nowhere is safe until we know if Vinnie is going to make a play for you or not.”

  Holt’s phone rings, and he pulls it out to answer, but doesn’t release me, still pinning me up against the wall. “Maddox. Talk. Yeah, I got her. Right. Yeah, right, same place.”

  Who is he talking to, and who does he have? Me? Is he talking about me? Or did he just finish a job hunting a woman? I blow out another sigh, frustrated at knowing a damn thing. I push him off me, walk over to my bed, and plop down. I kick off my chucks as he exchanges a few more trivial words with the unknown caller, giving me nothing.

  When he hangs up, he sits next to me on my bed. He does that thing with my hair, pushing it behind my ear, and I try not to let it drive me crazy. I need to hold my ground. I wait for him to acknowledge the call, tell me who he was talking to, whether it was about me or not.

  Instead, he brings his lips to my forehead and kisses me gently. “Babe, you gotta understand, when I don’t know where you are, with that fucker Vinnie around, I don’t like it. It drives me fucking insane, baby. Just thinking of Vinnie laying a hand on you fucking winds me up, babe. I can’t fucking think straight. I’ve waited three years, Nicolette, three fucking years for this, for my chance to have you again. That fucker is not gonna take it away from me, not that fucking easy.”

  At his words, the vulnerability that lies behind that rock-hard badass body of his, I melt. I stroke his beautifully defined jaw line. “Okay, okay, but can you at least leave me a note or something? Waking up and seeing you gone, I still have—”

  My own vulnerability surfaces, and his body stiffens. I shy away from my words, because I’m still not ready to let him have it all. I can’t.

  He doesn’t speak, only wraps his arms around me, embracing me tightly, almost taking my breath away. Both of us are damaged, and for the first time, we silently make one another aware of it.

  “Tell me you love me, baby.”

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  Chapter 21

  The rest of the weekend went by too quickly, as it always did when I went back to my childhood home. Holt didn’t have to do much to win over Aunt Helen, just smile and be the gentleman he was, helping her cook our dinner Saturday night, our last night there. I’m pretty sure if she were younger, she would give me a run for my money with the way she was carrying on with him. Giggling, laughing, and smiling at him. He knows exactly what to say and do to get that giggle out of her, showing me another side of him. Scary, badass hot guy exterior, but inside he has the charm to make an old lady feel young again. Her laugh is infectious, and I love to hear it. Luckily, I heard it a lot as a child. There always was a lot of laughter in that home, she made sure of it.

  As it turns out, saying goodbye is just as difficult for Holt as it is for me. It’s always hard for me to say goodbye to her, but at least I was expecting it. Holt, on the other hand, didn’t seem to see it coming. Aunt Helen and I watch as he bends down to brush Kilo’s coat with his hand. They both look sad, and it’s a little heartbreaking, but I’m sure he agrees being here is the best thing for Kilo right now.

  Aunt Helen turns to embrace me and whispers in my ear, “Sweetheart, I don’t know what the two of you’ve got going on, what would make that boy so mad he’d throw a bottle like he did,” yeah, she didn’t miss a thing, truly, “but I can tell. Both of you have a lot of built up something, and you need to get it out. You remember my words, baby, don’t look back. Keep it moving. You live for now, like it’s your last day. No regrets. I like him, and you’ve never brought anybody home for me to meet before. I have to say he was worth the wait, sweetheart.”

  She’s only telling me what I already knew. She’s been recruited for the fan club...

  “You just make sure if he’s the one, you don’t wait long and get me some grandbabies. I’m not getting any younger, you know. Though, by the look of him, with all that pent up energy, something tells me it’s not gonna take long.”

  Oh my God. I can always count on Aunt Helen not to hold back. I roll my eyes at her and laugh as I kiss her on the cheek then we turn our attention back to Holt with Kilo. The two of them appear to have finished their goodbyes, and Holt is walking toward us with Kilo in tow. He wraps his arms around Aunt Helen, giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She giggles and blushes, terribly, and I hold back the laughter at the sight.

  “Thank you for taking Kilo in for me. He might not want to come back to me if he knows he’s got to leave this beautiful place.”

  She laughs, but when she speaks, there’s pride in her voice. “No rush, dear. He’s welcome here for however long you need. I hope to see that handsome face of yours again too.” She glances at me. I glare at her, and she grins, knowing what I’m silently saying to her but ignoring me. “It will make me rest better at night now that I know you are around to keep an eye on her.”

  “I plan on doing a lot more than just keeping an eye on her, but yes, ma’am.”

  Aunt Helen lets out a woot. “Now that’s a man that knows what he wants and sets to getting it. You two have a safe drive back home. Niki, baby, call me as soon as you get in, okay? And give that sweet girl, Cassie, a kiss for me.”

  “I will.” I hug her again and whisper in her ear, “You are absolutely incorrigible.”

  She laughs. “I know. You just remember my words, baby.”

  As we pull out of the driveway and onto the road, I turn back to see my aunt standing at the end of the drive with Kilo by her side, waving as we drive away. The two of them are absolutely perfect for each other, and I’m so pleased I thought of putting them together.

  When I turn back to Holt, I can see sorrow in his face. He’s missing Kilo already. “You know he’s going to be just fine. He’ll
love it here.”

  “I know, babe. I’m glad I can give your aunt some companionship. It’s just that it’s been me and him for a long time. I know what it feels like to be alone, babe, wishing you were somewhere else, with someone else.”

  Chills go down my spine as I picture him sitting in some sleazy-ass motel. Alone.

  “So what were the two of you laughing about?” Holt asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts.

  I try to come up with something fast. No way I’m telling him about her wishes.

  “Um, she was just reminding me to make sure I use protection.” Dear God. I’m never good at being put on the spot.

  “Babe, that’s actually something we need to talk about. If you aren’t on the pill, you need to start, because I am not letting a fucking condom come between us.”

  I’m embarrassed, because I’m not on the pill, not anymore anyway. After he’d been gone a year, reality sank in. My sex life wasn’t going anywhere, and being the penny pincher I am, I decided to stop taking them. I had no need for them, so why bother?

  “Okay,” I say. “I’ll make an appointment with my doctor next week.”

  Halfway home, I’m resting my head on the seat, and Holt has his hand on my thigh. I turn lazily to him, and he seems to be as relaxed as I am. Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man” is on the radio, another one of his favorites. This feels good. It feels right. Us. Together. Still, I can’t help thinking back to that phone call. Not knowing who was on the other end, who he was talking about, wondering still if he was referring to me when he said “she.”

  I look up at him. “Holt, who were you talking to on the phone up in my room?”

  There’s silence for a moment, and I begin to think he didn’t hear me.

  “Who was—”

  “That was Jax, baby. My partner. Jackson Steele.”

  “You have a partner?” Damn, I really don’t know shit.

  “Yeah.”

  “So, um, what were you talking about on the phone when you said I got her?”