by K. C. Lynn
Christopher clears his throat, breaking the silence. “Come on, Ruthie, say goodnight and I’ll read you a story.”
She hesitates, looking between Cade and me. I break our glare and smile at her reassuringly. Standing up, I pick her up off his lap and give her a hug, hoping she doesn’t notice my body vibrating in anger. “Goodnight, sweet girl, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Night, Faif,” she replies with a whisper.
I hand her back to Cade then head upstairs and out the back door, needing the fresh air to calm my angry heart. I hear the back door swing open a long minute later, and instantly know it’s Cade by the way my body responds just from his presence.
Stupid, traitorous body.
I turn around to see him looking angry and determined. “I mean it, Faith, she isn’t going anywhere near that fucking place.”
I take a deep breath and try to rein in my temper, “First off, Cade, watch the way you talk to me or this is going to turn ugly really fast. Secondly, yes she is going there. This is a good place for her to meet other children and learn about the good things life has to offer…”
“There is nothing fucking good about any of it,” he shouts. “It’s complete bullshit and I’m not going to let you force this shit on her.”
“I am not forcing anything on her, she wants to go. And it may be bullshit to you, Cade, but it isn’t to me.” I watch his jaw flex in anger and swear I can hear his teeth grind. “Listen, I know this must be hard for you because of what happened to your sister, but you have to know…”
“Watch it, Faith! You don’t know anything about it, so don’t fucking talk about her—not ever!”
I stare back at him as he watches me, completely consumed with fury, and try to swallow past the hurt clogging my throat. “Fine. Then I’ll say this. God is a big part of my life and I am Ruthie’s legal guardian, which means this is my decision and…”
“You know, let’s talk about that for a second. I’d like to know how the fuck you could still believe in any of that bullshit. After everything that’s happened you should know better by now.”
“What do you mean?” I ask in a shaky whisper, even though I know exactly what he’s saying.
He takes a step closer to me and I retreat back, my stomach clenching in dread as I watch his expression turn savage. He grabs my upper arm firmly, but not painfully. “What I mean is, I want to know how the fuck you can still wear this?” he spits out, grabbing the big, heavy cross that’s lying against my chest. “I want to know how the fuck you can still believe in God after what happened to you. Huh? Where the fuck was your God when those assholes were forcing their dicks inside of you!”
His cruel, vulgar words strike me so painfully that I feel it all the way to my soul. His furious expression blurs in front of my face as tears sting my eyes. “He sent me you,” I choke out truthfully.
He rears back as if I just slapped him. “Jesus christ, you really fucking believe that, don’t you?”
“With all of my heart.” Ripping my arm out of his firm grasp, I stand up straighter and try to keep him in focus as tears stream down my cheeks. “I thank God every day that I met you, and that I got the chance to know what it felt like to be touched in a way that made me feel beautiful, before I had my body stolen from me.”
My breath hitches as I fight to hold in my pain and I watch an array of turbulent emotions splash across his face. “Without my faith in God, I don’t think I would have survived what happened to me there. They stole so much from me but I did not let them steal my faith, not even when they held a knife to my throat. And I will not give it up for anyone—not even you.”
As the first sob whispers past my throat, I push past him and race into the house, before I completely lose it in front of him.
Crawling into bed, I curl into myself and let my tears flow into my pillow. My heart breaking, not only for me, but also for him. The hope I had for some kind of future with Cade begins to fade and causes another wave of pain to slice through my chest. I would do almost anything for him, but I meant what I said, I will not give up God for anyone, not ever.
*
Hours later I look over at the clock to see it’s three am and realize I’m not going to get any sleep. My heart is too heavy and my head pounds fiercely from crying for the past six hours.
Getting up, I grab my long, thin cardigan and throw it over my white, cotton, baby doll nightgown then make my way downstairs to get some aspirin. Once I make my way downstairs, I see that Cade isn’t on the couch and realize he must have left.
I swallow back the fresh wave of tears that thought brings and head into the kitchen. When I notice the back light is still on I walk over to turn it off, and stop mid-stride when I see Cade sitting on the steps, with his head in his hands and his back to me. Oh my god. Has he been out there this whole time?
My pain deepens at how lost and alone he looks. Opening the door, I fold my sweater around myself when the small chill in the air hits me and walk across the patio to him.
“Cade.” I softly say his name as I place my hand on his back. I feel him tense under me but he doesn’t look up. I walk around to stand in front of him. “Are you all right? Have you been out here this entire time?”
Again he doesn’t answer me and I quickly realize he isn’t going to. Letting out a resigned sigh, I turn to walk away then gasp when he grabs the back of my bare thighs under my nightgown and pulls me between his legs. He buries his face against my stomach, and the feel of his cold body confirms he has been out here this whole time. “I’m sorry, baby. So fucking sorry for what I said to you.”
My heart shatters at the turmoil in his voice, it doesn’t even sound like him. Before I can respond, his grip tightens on the back of my thighs and I gasp again when I’m lifted off my feet. In a swift easy move I’m suddenly straddling him, with his forehead resting on my shoulder as he keeps his face hidden from me.
After a stunned second, I wrap my arms around his neck. I hold him for a while then lean back to look at him, but he keeps his head buried in my shoulder. “Cade, please look at me,” I plead softly.
He hesitates for a long moment before he finally lifts his face to mine. I suck in a sharp breath at his tortured expression. Seeing his guilt, despair and self-hatred completely breaks my heart.
“Oh, Cade,” I choke out quietly, my own throat clogging with tears again. It kills me to see him like this, especially since he never allows himself to show any emotion.
I cup his forlorn face in my hands and his eyes fall closed to hide his pain. His breathing turns heavy as he holds in his despair. I lean in and rest the side of my face against his, bringing my lips close to his ear. “It will be okay, I promise. I know this is hard for you, but you have to know I would never put her in danger.”
“I know you wouldn’t on purpose, it’s just…” I feel him shake his head. “This is something we will never agree on. I just can’t, Red, the whole subject makes me fucking crazy.”
“We don’t have to agree on everything, but we have to respect each other about it.”
“I know. I didn’t mean to hurt you, baby. I’m just so fucked-up, I can’t think straight when it comes to that shit.”
The torment in his voice becomes more apparent and my heart aches for how much he still hurts. “I would do almost anything for you, Cade. You mean so much to me, more than I can ever tell you, but my faith in God is the one thing I won’t give up… I’m sorry but I just can’t.”
“You don’t have to, Red. Especially for a fucked-up asshole like me.”
“Don’t say that about yourself,” I gently scold, hating the way he thinks about himself. “You’re hurting and that’s okay. There is nothing screwed up about that.”
He lets out a disbelieving breath and shakes his head again. “I don’t deserve you, not any part of you,” he rasps, turning his face into my neck. My breathing speeds up as his big, rough hands inch higher on my bare thighs until his fingers possessively grip my lace-covered h
ips. I become intimately aware of our position, as my nightgown now sits bunched at my waist. “But I can’t stay away. I need to be near you, all the fucking time, Red, or I feel like I can’t breathe.”
To hear he needs me, as desperately as I need him, has something beautiful embracing my soul. “I don’t want you to stay away, I need you just as badly, Cade. I’ve…”
He cuts off my words by taking my mouth in a powerful, searing kiss. Our groans mingle in the air as we let go of our pain, and let passion consume us. I whimper as his familiar erotic taste floods my senses; it’s dark and sinful, yet beautiful. Just like the man himself.
He rips his mouth away and I take in much needed oxygen while his warm, firm lips travel down the column of my throat. A minor ache ignites between my legs, one that only he is capable of bringing me, and I hold on to it with desperation, not wanting anything to stop this moment from happening.
My sweater slips partway down my shoulder and his greedy lips pass over the smooth skin before making their way down and across the swell of my breasts. He pulls back just a little and I feel his finger trace across what I know is Aadil’s name.
I close my eyes, my heart feeling a little too raw at the moment to deal with it. Cade senses it and, after placing a soft kiss on the black script, he continues his path. I feel him slow down, treading cautiously, the lower his mouth gets.
I spear my fingers in his hair so he won’t pull away. “Please don’t stop,” I plead desperately. “I need you to touch me, Cade. I want you to touch me.”
A groan vibrates deep in his throat and he lifts his intense gaze to mine, his hazel eyes burning with lust, yet also hesitation. “Has anyone touched you since, Red?” I watch a hardness take over his expression as he waits for me to answer. I shake my head and see something that looks like relief flicker in his eyes. “What about by yourself, baby, have you touched yourself?”
I feel my face turn as red as my hair before I shake my head again. “No. I haven’t had any desire to be touched, until you. You’re the only one I want to feel and I desperately want you to erase the memories.” My throat starts to burn as I try to get out the words that I have not yet expressed to anyone. “I hate that they were the last ones to have touched me.”
I immediately regret my admission when his expression turns lethal and his jaw clenches so tightly I’m surprised it doesn’t snap. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you angry,” I apologize softly.
He closes his eyes and I watch as he tries to regain his composure. When he reopens them again, his gaze is a little softer. “Don’t be sorry. You can tell me anything, no matter how hard it is to hear.” His hand travels up my throat to the back of my head before he brings me forward and gives me a long, deep kiss. One that reaches the very depths of my heart.
He pulls back a long minute later to rest his forehead against mine. “We’re going to take this slow, Red. I’m going to touch you, baby, and make you feel good, but if I do something you’re not ready for, you tell me, okay?”
“Yes,” I comply softly.
His hands move to my shoulders before he slides the sleeves of my sweater all the way down my arms, his mouth trailing across the skin it reveals. My heart kicks up in anticipation when his fingers work the few small buttons on my nightgown, between my breasts. He spreads the material apart and pushes the straps down my shoulders until it’s bunched at my waist, baring me to his stare.
The soft evening breeze whispers across my overheated skin, causing goosebumps to break out over my flesh. His fierce gaze fixates on my exposed breasts, my nipples instantly straining for his touch. A low growl rumbles deep in his chest, and the sound increases the throbbing between my legs. “Goddamn, woman, you’re fucking beautiful.”
I smile softly; his words, along with his heated expression, making me feel a beautiful I have only ever felt with him.
My smile quickly vanishes though, as his large hands move up my rib cage and cup the heavy weight of my breasts, his rough palms gliding across my tight, aching points. Moaning, I cover his hands with my own and relish in the pleasure his touch brings me.
“You’re so fucking perfect, Red, every goddamn inch of you,” he rasps while rolling my nipple between his thumb and finger. Leaning in, he takes a tortured bud into his mouth and sucks it with enough pressure that electricity shoots through my body and straight to my clit.
My head falls back as a cry of pleasure spills past my lips. He goes back and forth, taking his time with each tight tip. My hands slip under his beanie and thread through his soft, messy hair while my hips begin to grind against his erection, desperately seeking relief.
“You ready for more, baby?”
My response is a fiery whimper, as I grind myself harder against him.
A hungry groan erupts from his throat, “Fuck, feeling the heat of your pussy, through my pants, is enough to make me fucking come.”
His dirty, erotic words send another wave of heat to soar through me. “Please, Cade,” I plead on a whimper.
“I’m going to take care of you, Red, trust me.”
Little does he know, I do. I trust him more than anyone else in my life and that’s saying a lot.
With one hand still cupping my breast, he coasts his other down my stomach, making my muscles quiver in response. As he slips his hand into my lace panties, his eyes bore into mine, searching for any signs of hesitation from me. But he will not find any, not this time. Right now there is no fear and no panic, only a fierce need burning me from the inside out.
“Is this okay, baby?” His deep voice is rough with lust, yet laced with concern.
I cup the side of his face, my thumb stroking across his strong jaw. “Yes. As long as it’s your hands, your mouth and your body then everything and anything is okay,” I tell him truthfully.
Something softer flashes in his gaze right before he says, “That’s because you’re mine, Red. You always have been, even when you were miles away, and every part of you knows it.”
I swallow thickly and rest my forehead against his, the truth of his words causing mixed emotions to storm inside of me. “You’re right,” I admit softly, my lips only a breath away from his. “Every part of me has always known it—especially my heart. I just wish you would have known it too.”
I watch guilt flash in his eyes, which, in return, makes me feel guilty. Even though I understand his reasons for staying away, it still hurts but I also know what matters is the here and now.
I’m just about to tell him that but he speaks first. “Believe me, baby. I’ve always known it, which is why I haven’t touched anyone else in the last two fucking years.”
Shock has me freezing in place. “You haven’t been with anyone since me?” I can’t help but feel a spark of hope flaring inside me.
He shakes his head, his sincere gaze burning into mine. “No. You’re all I could think about, all I wanted. I swear, Red, you have ruined me and my dick for anyone else.”
I smile, and joy explodes through my chest at hearing that, a deep part of my heart, which has been aching for the last two years from not seeing him, suddenly feeling lighter.
I rest my forehead against his as tears blur my eyes and cup one side of his face, “You’re all I want too. You’re the only one I want to touch me.”
“Good, baby, because that’s exactly what I’m going to do right now.” He takes my mouth in another passionate kiss and I feel his hand shift inside of my panties before his knuckle glides through my wetness.
I whimper against his mouth and he groans against mine. “Ah fuck, you’re so wet, Red. So ready for my touch.”
“Always,” I moan out, which quickly turns into a gasp as his knuckle grazes my clit. Minor shock waves ripple through my body as his touch brings me a pleasure I wasn’t sure I would ever feel again. He keeps his focus there, slowly and skillfully circling the swollen nub with the perfect amount of pressure.
I grip his broad shoulders for leverage and feel the raw, puckered skin of his scars, sinc
e he’s wearing a muscle tank. It causes my heart to falter for a moment and he senses it. “Don’t think about that shit, Red. Only feel me, just feel my touch.”
I can do nothing else but follow his demand as he quickens his rhythm by circling just a little faster, his fingers stroking in the exact way I need them to. “Oh god, that feels so good.” My grip tightens, nails digging into the deep grooves of his muscles, as I begin grinding against his skilled movements.
“That’s it, baby, fuck my hand.”
“I want more,” I whimper.
He groans. “Not tonight, Red. We’re going to stay right here and go no further than this, but trust me, I’m going to make you come just as hard.”
As much as my body wants to argue it, I don’t. Because he’s right, right now everything is feeling good and I don’t want anything to change that, although I’m not sure anything could.
Raising the arm that is around my back higher, he bends down and takes a beaded nipple into his mouth, grazing it with his teeth. My head falls back as a cry of pleasure spills past my lips. One hand weaves into his hair to keep him there, my fingers gripping his strands so tightly I’m sure I’m ripping some out, but he doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by it. If anything, he seems to revel in it, if the deep growl he just released was anything to go by.
As my hips speed up to match his rhythm, my body begins reaching the highest point of pleasure that is possible before it erupts. It’s a feeling I had forgotten until right this very moment. “Oh god, Cade, I’m going to come.”
He growls. “Give it to me, baby, let me feel it all over my hand.” As soon as the erotic words leave his mouth, he bites down on my sensitive nipple, which has my body erupting like a volcano.
Ecstasy rushes through me and lights explode behind my eyes as my body becomes overwhelmed with sensations. Cade crushes his mouth to mine and swallows my cries of pleasure, his skilled hand never faltering its rhythm until every bit of pleasure spills from my body.