by Cat Clarke
I hadn’t thought about sex. Or rather, whenever my mind had strayed in that direction I’d given myself a mental slap and rerouted my thoughts. It wasn’t just the obvious fact that I couldn’t do anything with Kate without her knowing I was a girl. That was a part of it, of course. There was also her age to think about – she was six months younger than me and wouldn’t turn sixteen until 4th February. I knew loads of girls at school had been having sex for years, but Kate wasn’t like them. I wasn’t like them.
I loved kissing Kate. As far as I was concerned there was nothing better in the whole world. All the guilt and worry slipped away and all there was to think about were her lips on mine.
I honestly didn’t want to do more than kissing, not back then. It didn’t seem necessary. Things were good as they were. All I wanted was the chance to do some kissing somewhere that wasn’t freezing cold or surrounded by strangers staring at us. A sofa would have done the job. A bed would be too dangerous.
It was obvious that Kate wanted more from our relationship. Sometimes we’d be kissing and she’d say something like ‘You can touch me … if you want to …’ I’d usually just keep kissing her or mutter something about how much I liked kissing her. She thought I was being gentlemanly. It was fine for a couple of weeks but it was happening more and more, and the kissing was getting hotter and heavier no matter how much I tried to keep things soft and gentle. We got kicked out of a cafe in Leith, much to Kate’s delight. The owner had said we were putting people off their food so we went down an alleyway and carried on kissing. Kate was pressing up against me in a way that she hadn’t done before, as if she wanted every part of our bodies to be touching. And I swear on my life that this was the first time I thought about it. ‘It’ being a penis. Or lack thereof.
The issue hadn’t come up before, but now I suddenly realized two things: 1) Kate would expect me to have a penis, and 2) She would probably expect me to be a little bit … um … excited with her all pressed up against me. It was all too disgusting to think about but as soon as her hand brushed my thigh and started snaking its way upward, I didn’t have a choice. I was going to have to do something about it. I grabbed her hand and held it in mine, hoping she’d get the hint rather than giving it a go with the other hand. In between kisses, Kate whispered, ‘Don’t you want me to …?’
‘Not here.’ I kissed her harder so she wouldn’t think I was anything less than enthusiastic about the idea.
Kate pulled away, breathing heavily. ‘Where then? Mum’s hardly ever out of the house, and from the sound of things your parents are the same. It would be so much easier if our parents actually had lives … Maybe we should rent a hotel room or something?’
I laughed; I couldn’t help it. ‘A hotel room?! Even if we could afford it – and we can’t – I’m pretty sure you need to be 18 to book a room.’ I had no idea if this was the case – I was just hoping Kate wouldn’t know any different.
Kate sighed and leaned against the wall. ‘I just … really want to be alone with you and it feels like the world is conspiring against us!’ Classic dramatic Kate.
I leaned next to her. ‘It’ll happen. There’s no rush though, is there?’
‘Don’t you want to be close to me?’
‘Of course I do! You know that. But I don’t want to pressure you into anything.’
‘You pressure me? That’s hardly the way things are going, is it?! If Mum knew what you were like, I swear she wouldn’t have a problem with us two being alone in the house. She reckons all boys are the same – “only after one thing … blah blah blah”. She has no idea about anything.’
I was going to have to get Kate’s mood back on track if I wanted to avoid the day being completely ruined. ‘You know what you need?’
Kate shook her head, still frowning.
‘Cake. A big slice of triple chocolate cake and a cup of tea.’
She was wearing her unimpressed face with glee. ‘Cake? You honestly think chocolate cake is going to make me feel better right now? That’s such a bloody cliché! Not all girls like chocolate cake, you know!’ I waited, trying my best not to smile. It took five – maybe six – seconds. ‘OK, OK! You know I like cake. Especially with tea. But I’m buying. So there.’ I kissed her nose. ‘But that doesn’t mean I’m forgetting about this. We need to be alone. Soon.’
That ‘soon’ made it impossible for me to enjoy the rest of the afternoon. That and wondering what the hell I was going to do about my non-existent penis.
chapter sixteen
I tried to approach it like a logic problem, instead of thinking about what it actually meant. I tried out all the options while wearing a pair of Jamie’s pants. (I gave them a sniff first to make sure they were clean.) The two main things to consider were size and hardness. I didn’t want it to be noticeable, exactly, but I didn’t want Kate realizing it wasn’t there. It would be a bit weird to go from nothing at all to a massive bulge in my trousers. Hardness was a trickier problem to deal with. I didn’t want Kate thinking I had a permanent erection, but then again the times when she would be close enough to feel it would be the exact same times she might expect me to have one.
I stood in front of the mirror each time, trying to stand like Jamie. Sort of slouchy, legs apart. I stuck out my crotch and examined it from all angles. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so disgusting. Nothing seemed to be working … I just looked wrong, no matter what I stuffed down there. Then I had a brainwave. I found what I needed in the kitchen, in the drawer under the kettle.
It seemed OK when I looked in the mirror this time, and more importantly it felt right. It looked like I was touching myself up in front of the mirror like some kind of pervert, but I had to make the necessary adjustments. I’ve never actually touched a penis in real life; the thought of it is enough to make me gag. I figured Kate wouldn’t have touched one either, so she’d have no point of reference.
It was hard enough but not too hard. Not exactly comfortable but I’d just have to get used to it. I’d have to hand-wash Jamie’s pants and dry them at the back of my wardrobe. And I’d have to be extra careful not to let Mum or Dad see me or I’d have a lot of explaining to do.
I changed back into my pants and buckled up my jeans, then I grabbed a few more pairs of Jamie’s pants before heading back to my room. My ‘penis’ was safely wrapped up in the bundle of pants.
The penis was made up of a tube of Mum’s favourite extra-strong mints, snugly wrapped up in two of Jamie’s white gym socks. I just had to hope that Kate wouldn’t get close enough to sniff my minty-fresh crotch.
*
It didn’t take long for me to get used to stuffing a packet of mints down my pants – just like the bandages round my boobs. I wore it in my room when Mum and Dad were out, just to practise walking around and sitting. It made me walk differently, which was a good thing in terms of passing as a boy, but I didn’t want Kate to suddenly notice I was walking funny.
The penis got its first official outing one Saturday in early December. Kate wanted to do some Christmas shopping and go to the German Christmas market in Princes Street Gardens. I’d already done most of my shopping online – why battle through hordes of people when you can lie on your bed with your laptop? I hadn’t got Kate’s present though – I was drawing a serious blank where that was concerned.
Kate gave me major puppy-dog eyes when we walked past the ice rink, so I relented and bought two tickets. The skates they gave her were white; mine were black and a bit too big for me. No worries with the socks this time – I’d learned my lesson.
Kate had been ice-skating a couple of times before and while she wasn’t exactly pirouetting or whatever, she was a hell of a lot more graceful than me. I was like a baby giraffe, all wobbly, legs going in different directions. I stayed close to the edge so I could hold on to the barrier. Kate held my other hand and tried not to laugh. She thought it was adorable that I was so rubbish, given that I’m not too shabby on a skateboard. She laughed hysterically when I protested th
at ice was a very different medium to pavement.
I tried to ignore the humiliation of little kids zooming past me at high speed. And I managed not to swear when I fell on my arse right in front of a gang of giggling girls. After fifteen minutes or so Kate took pity on me. ‘Come on, I think you’ve had enough for now. We should probably get you off the ice before you do some real damage.’
When we were changing back into our shoes, Kate said, ‘Thank you for that.’ Something in her tone made me look up.
‘Thanks for what? Making a total fool of myself in front of hundreds of people? You’re very welcome.’
She dismissed my joke with a shake of her head. ‘I’m serious. It means a lot that you did that even though you obviously didn’t want to.’
I shrugged. ‘It’s no big deal.’
‘It is though. You always go out of your way to do things that make me happy.’ Her eyes were shining and I was worried she was going to burst into tears in front of all these people.
I shrugged again. ‘That’s kind of my job, isn’t it?’
‘Well you’re really very good at it. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you. I do know how lucky I am, you know.’ She leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. ‘You’re the best boyfriend in the entire history of the world.’
The humiliation and bruises had been worth it.
*
We wandered round the Christmas market, Kate babbling away about whether she should buy one of those creepy nutcracker dolls to give to someone for Christmas.
‘Maybe for someone you hate?’ I was very helpful when it came to shopping.
‘Haven’t you seen the ballet? With the mice and the soldier and Clara and oh it’s so beautiful!’ She started singing the music from The Nutcracker, which I sort of recognized. Then she started doing some ballet moves, right in the middle of the market with people everywhere. She really didn’t give a toss what anyone thought. Usually I’d be looking round to see who was watching and getting all embarrassed, but that day I just stood back and laughed. She looked so happy, all wrapped up in her winter coat and woolly scarf, bobble hat bobbling as she danced.
Kate stopped dead right in front of a girl about the same age as us. She was wearing pink ear muffs and a puffy white jacket. She looked like a marshmallow, and not in a good way. A short, stocky boy with a popped collar was lurking behind her.
‘Astrid! Hi! This is … I didn’t see you there!’ Kate normally sounded happy and enthusiastic, but I could tell her reaction was forced – she was overdoing it by at least 20 per cent.
The girl raised one eyebrow and you could tell she thought she was the bee’s fucking knees. I disliked her already. ‘Clearly. If I’d heard you were doing a street show down here I’d have called Stella – she’d hate to miss this.’
Kate didn’t tell her to piss off, which was a bit disappointing. ‘So … what are you doing here? And this must be Justin! I’ve heard so much about you, it’s so great to finally meet you. Kate smiled warmly at the boy and he smiled back a bit blankly. It was obvious he hadn’t heard anything about her.
Astrid grabbed hold of Justin’s arm and pulled him close to her. ‘Justin and I have been Christmas shopping, and he insists on spoiling me when we should be looking for presents for his family. He just bought me these ear muffs!’ Astrid turned this way and that so we could get the full effect of the ear muffs. ‘Aren’t they the cutest thing?’
Kate smiled. ‘The absolute cutest.’ If she was being sarcastic, she hid it well.
‘I know, right? And that’s not even my Christmas present. He’s buying me a watch!’
Then there was this silence in which Astrid looked at me pointedly. Kate turned to see what she was looking at and seemed almost surprised to see me standing next to her. ‘Oh … yes … this is Alex. Alex, this is Astrid and her boyfriend Justin.’
‘Hi.’ The tone I was going for was mild enthusiasm with a dash of nonchalance.
Justin reached over to shake my hand and I mentally prepared for bone-crunching, but his hand shake was surprisingly limp for a boy who was almost as wide as he was tall. ‘Alright, mate?’ he said. I had him pegged straightaway. English. Rugby player. Wanker.
Kate hadn’t been spending much time with Astrid recently, I knew that much. She’d told me that Astrid had a new boyfriend, and that they met at around the same time Kate and I did. I’m sure Kate had told me his name, but I had a tendency to tune out whenever Kate talked about her so-called friends. They sounded awful. I had no idea why Kate would spend any time with them at all, let alone care about their love lives.
I told Astrid it was nice to meet her and she smirked. It was definitely a smirk rather than a smile. Then there was an awkward silence as the four of us played chicken over who was going to speak next. There was no way in hell it was going to be me. I didn’t know these people – it wasn’t my responsibility to keep up the small talk. In the end, Kate and Astrid relented at the same time.
Kate said, ‘Well, we’d better be getting …’ and Astrid said, ‘Why don’t you two join us for a cup of tea? Justin was just telling me about this place up on the Mound that does, like, totally amazing cakes.’
Justin nodded and said ‘yeah’ but it sounded much closer to ‘yah’. ‘Mum raves about the place. I’ve been meaning to take A there for ages.’ I was surprised he didn’t say ‘Mummy’ but that was probably just me being uncharitable. The fact that he called Astrid ‘A’ annoyed me too, but I couldn’t quite work out why. It was almost like he was too lazy to use her whole name. Or maybe he went out with a lot of girls whose name began with that letter and this way he avoided saying the wrong name by accident.
Kate looked at me to see what I wanted to do but my face was deliberately, unhelpfully blank. It was her call. ‘Um …’ She was clearly hoping I’d step in, maybe with some carefully crafted lie that we’d love to but we had other plans and maybe next time. And I wanted to step in – I really did – but more than that I wanted Kate to stand up for herself in front of this girl.
Astrid took Kate by the arm. ‘Oh come on, it’ll be fun! Our first ever double date!’ Astrid didn’t wait for Kate to agree; she practically dragged her away from the market stalls, heading towards the steps to the top of the Mound. Kate turned around and mouthed ‘sorry’ when Justin wasn’t looking. I shrugged as if it was no big deal.
The truth is, I was scared.
Pretending to be a boy around Kate was one thing.
Pretending to be a boy around an actual boy was a whole different ball game. No pun intended.
chapter seventeen
The cafe was busy but Astrid insisted on waiting instead of finding somewhere quieter. Kate and I stood by the door with Astrid and Justin in front of us. Astrid kept kissing Justin and you could tell it made him uncomfortable. She was doing it purely for show, that much was obvious. Kate just smiled like she didn’t even notice, although her grip on my hand was firmer than normal. Thankfully she didn’t try to compete with Astrid by sticking her tongue down my throat or anything.
The girls ordered a pot of tea to share and Justin had a latte. I said I wasn’t thirsty, which was a lie. I just knew I’d need the loo if I drank anything; I couldn’t risk it. I always drank less than Kate whenever we were out. I don’t think she ever noticed.
Astrid and Kate were sitting next to each other, chatting away. Well Astrid was doing most of the talking and Kate was doing a lot of nodding. I’d never seen her like this before – quiet, deferential almost. I didn’t like it.
‘So … are you watching the match later?’ Justin was sitting back in his chair, legs spread apart, taking up a lot of my space. I checked myself – I needed to remember to sit like a boy. I sat back and mimicked his position but then our knees touched and we both shrank back.
‘What match?’ I asked, before I realized that this was probably the sort of thing a boy would know. Jamie would know for sure. Then I noticed Justin’s rugby shirt. An England rugby shirt, all pristine whit
e. My first impression had been dead-on. ‘Oh right, yeah … sorry mate, I was miles away there. Nah, I’m not really into team sports. More into skating … that kind of thing.’ That seemed like a safer option than trying to bullshit about rugby, a sport that seemed to be entirely based on big guys grappling with each other for no discernible reason.
Justin looked baffled but tried to hide it. Clearly all of his ‘mates’ were into guy-grappling too; I was different somehow. Which was fine, as long as he didn’t have any idea exactly how different I was.
I could see Astrid staring at me out of the corner of my eye. It made me more than a little uncomfortable. I had no idea why Kate would be friends with someone like her. She couldn’t have been more different to Kate – exactly the sort of girl I went out of my way to avoid at school. I was trying to concentrate on what Justin was saying about rugby, but I could feel her eyes burning into me and I knew it was only a matter of time before she– ‘So, Alex … Kate tells me you go to Fettes? Justin’s at Stewart’s Melville. They’re, like, really close to each other, aren’t they?’
I should have known this would come back to bite me. Edinburgh may be a city but it’s a small one. Nice if you want to walk around without having to take a bus everywhere, not so great if you want to lie and keep secrets. ‘Oh, yeah. They are.’
Justin slapped me on the back, harder than was strictly necessary. Maybe he was trying to make up for the lame handshake. ‘Shame you’re not into rugby – I’ve flattened a lot of Fettes players over the past couple of years.’
‘That is a shame.’ I didn’t even have a drink to sip to cover my awkwardness.
‘Did you see the black eye Gavin Drysdale had last week? All my own work.’
Justin looked smug at the thought of having bruised a fellow human being, but I guess it was supposed to be acceptable because it happened playing sport. Astrid rolled her eyes affectionately and called him an animal, which made him look even prouder. Kate didn’t look too impressed.