The Lost Summers of Driftwood

by Vanessa McCausland

  ‘What? I never did that.’

  ‘You so did. Little strands of it when you were deep in thought, like reading or watching a movie or something. You probably didn’t even realise.’

  She shook her head and laughed. ‘You must be thinking of another girlfriend.’

  ‘There hasn’t been many of those since you.’

  Their eyes met and Phoebe felt her pulse quicken. Some unspoken thing flashed between them. Phoebe looked away first.

  ‘So, Asha’s okay with you being here?’ she asked, her voice hovering just shy of accusatory.

  Jez paused, his mug at his lips, and then put it down without taking a sip. ‘We had a fight about it, actually.’

  She leaned back in the seat, pulling her legs to her chest. ‘Oh.’

  ‘She . . . like the other night . . . she gets a bit funny sometimes.’

  Phoebe stopped herself from saying something rude about his wife.

  ‘She’s always felt threatened by you. Well, the idea of you being the first . . .’

  Phoebe felt her chest tighten and expand at the same time. ‘Well, I can’t say I blame her for not being thrilled about you coming over here in the middle of the night.’

  Jez looked awkward. It felt like they were dancing around something big and obvious. She decided to be frank. ‘Wendy told me a bit about what you two have been through,’ she said, watching carefully for his reaction.

  He made a swiping motion above his head. ‘Moth. Yeah, Wendy’s great. Sometimes I think I talk to her more than my wife.’ He laughed but his gaze remained trained on his tea, as though he was afraid to look at her. ‘When someone wants something so bad and you can’t give it to them, it feels impossible, you know?’

  ‘So . . . is that why Asha smokes? Because she’s given up on having a baby?’

  Jez looked up and their eyes met. Where she expected to see sadness she saw amusement. ‘I’d forgotten how perceptive you are.’

  ‘It’s probably just because that’s what most women do. We can be self-destructive creatures.’

  ‘She knows I hate it when she smokes. I still think it’s possible for us to conceive but she’s given up. She blames me. I feel like every time she lights up it’s a smack in the face. She’s so angry with me all the time in this kind of passive– aggressive way. It’s not just the smoking. I feel like I can never do anything right.’

  ‘She’s going to be even angrier that you’re here talking to me about it.’

  He sat back in the chair. ‘You know what, Phoebe? I’m done caring. I’m done. I just wanted to make sure a friend was all right and I got in trouble. I keep trying to make her happy, trying for this baby she’s so desperate for, and then she throws it back in my face. I’m always trying to read her moods . . . she won’t talk to me, not properly . . . it’s like walking on eggshells. I don’t know what she wants anymore but I don’t think it’s me.’

  Part of Phoebe wanted to say they could never be just friends, and tell him to go home. The other part wanted to put her arms around him, comfort him and breathe in the smell of him. She could still remember it.

  ‘What about what you want, Jez?’ He had always been such a people pleaser. Phoebe couldn’t imagine he was the type to walk when things got hard, but if he bottled things up instead, he might risk becoming a victim of his own good heart. Phoebe saw the dark rings under his eyes, the bone-deep tiredness that came with life’s battles. For a second she saw Nathaniel. He could have ended up like this, she thought, trapped and resentful. She could have been Asha.

  ‘I don’t know anymore, Phoebe, I just don’t know.’ He looked up at her with such a pleading in his eyes that she felt a lump form in her throat. She had to shut this down. She could feel him hovering on the edge of an emotional dam. He wanted her to break it open, to pour everything out, have her comfort him.

  She sat up and put her feet on the ground. ‘Jez, I’m so sorry but you know I can’t do this.’ She indicated between them with her hand. ‘There’s too much . . . history. I know you can feel it too. I’m not the one to help you with Asha. I’ve just come out of . . .’ She looked towards the dark river and took a deep breath. ‘I’m just too weak right now.’

  ‘Of course. I shouldn’t have . . .’ He stood and brushed the tops of his legs. ‘I’m glad you’re okay.’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘I should . . .’ He indicated downriver and then shoved his hands in his pockets.

  Phoebe could see he was rattled. She wanted to say something to appease him but knew it would only make things worse. She watched as he walked away, head hung, and felt bereft. That was the only word for it. She wanted to hug him to her, listen to his pain, share her own, but she knew it was wrong.

  He turned back before he rounded the corner of the house. ‘I know Tommy would love to see you. He’ll be up from lunchtime tomorrow.’

  Phoebe smiled. She would like to see Tommy. She had a feeling it’d be easier between them with his brother there. ‘Okay, I guess I could just pop over in the afternoon to say hi.’

  ‘Stay for dinner. Or not. It’s up to you.’ He said it defeatedly, as though he already knew her answer.

  She felt awful. But there was a naiivety about Jez that she had always known. Even now, he couldn’t see what they were hovering at the edge of.

  PART TWO

  Kindling

  THEN

  Karin tickled the dog behind his ears and let him lick her face. When she looked into his black, shiny eyes she could see something there that needed loving. She couldn’t really explain this feeling to anyone so she hugged his neck and nestled into the rough fur. The dog made a little whimper and she hugged him closer.

  ‘Come on, stupid, it’s just a dog. And it’s gross. It stinks. We can’t take it with us.’ Camilla crossed her arms and kicked at the dirt road with her thong, creating a plume of yellow dust.

  ‘Yeah, we can, Cammie. Look, he’s lost. No collar even.’ She couldn’t tell if the dog was old or young but from the way his eyes looked when you stared right into them, maybe old.

  ‘He’s not lost. He just lives somewhere round here. We can’t take him on the boat anyway. Tommy and Jez won’t let us.’ Camilla turned and started to walk up the road towards Driftwood.

  Karin straightened to her full height. Sometimes Cammie was so bossy for someone so little. Usually she would just let her win, even though she was only eight, but not today.

  ‘Come on, boy.’ She clicked her fingers and the dog followed her down the road, his nose wet on her palm.

  ‘Where did he come from?’ asked Phoebe, breathless from running to catch up. She gave the dog a scratch behind his ears and slung an arm around Karin’s shoulders.

  ‘Not sure, he just started following us. I think he’s a cattle, maybe with a bit of dingo,’ Karin said.

  ‘Can I name him?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘No, I want to name it,’ said Camilla, striding ahead but still listening, the sparkles on her cap catching the sun. ‘Stinky Bum,’ she called out, without looking behind.

  Karin and Phoebe laughed and exchanged a look.

  ‘Fine,’ said Phoebe. ‘Stinky Bum it is.’

  Camilla stopped, glared at them and rolled her eyes because she hadn’t managed to start a fight.

  Cicadas droned in the trees as they got closer to the end of the street. The doors at Driftwood were flung wide and the air smelled like sunshine and cut grass. When they left the night before just as the dark was creeping in, they were flung wide then, too. Karin wondered if anyone ever closed them, not that there was much point—there was always someone here.

  Last night Pauline had made them all cheese toasties for dinner because they’d been so tired none of them was hungry for a proper meal. They’d just wanted to watch cartoons, their sunburnt arms and legs flung over each other’s on the cool floor. They’d spent the day by the dam and then making a cubby in the bushes near the bowerbird nest. Or had that been the day before? She couldn’t
remember. All the days melded together, like warm honey.

  The echo of voices came from the river bank—the boys were already on the jetty. A whip of anxiety ran through her. Tommy had told her that she’d be safe and that there was even a life vest up in the garage she could wear, but she still felt nervous. It was their first time out in the boat with the new motor, so they could go much, much further up the river than they could just rowing.

  They picked their way down the familiar path to the water, where Tommy and Jez were in the boat, tethered to the jetty by a thick rope. The dog, as if sensing adventure, broke into a run, his paws clicking over the wooden planks of the jetty.

  ‘Hey, who’s this?’ asked Jez, climbing up the ladder to greet the dog with a ruffle of his fur.

  ‘Stinky Bum,’ they all said in unison, which made Jez laugh.

  ‘Is he coming with us?’ Jez had already put his arms around the dog as if to lift him down to the boat.

  They all looked towards Tommy, who glanced up from the motor, his face squinting against the bright morning light.

  ‘I said you wouldn’t let them have the dog in the boat,’ Camilla said, her hands on her hips and her head held high. She was using her baby voice to try to manipulate Tommy.

  Tommy scratched behind his neck. ‘Is he going to make you feel a bit safer coming up the river?’

  Karin nodded silently, her fingers finding the dog’s fur.

  Camilla made a huffing sound, flipped one of her thongs off her foot and they all watched as it sailed through the air and into the river. ‘Great,’ she said. ‘Can someone get it?’

  ‘You did it. You get it,’ said Phoebe.

  Tommy shook his head. They all knew what Cammie could be like. ‘Yes, we’ll scoop it out.’

  Jez held out some life vests. ‘Come on. Let’s go. Mum packed us lunch and everything.’

  Karin watched her sisters scamper down the ladder and into the boat. She wished she could do that without feeling scared. Phoebe put on a life vest and held out her hand, nodding in encouragement.

  ‘I’m not wearing that,’ Camilla said, flicking the life vest away from her and adjusting the brim of her hat.

  ‘You’re wearing it or you’re not coming,’ Tommy said, throttling the motor into life. The smell of petrol filled the air. ‘Oh, and no standing in the boat. Not unless I say.’

  ‘Come on,’ said Phoebe. ‘You’ll be okay.’

  Karin took a deep breath and climbed down the ladder and into the boat. It was rocky and she felt a bit sick. She sat next to Phoebe, who threaded her fingers through hers. Pinned between the panting dog’s hot body and Phoebe, she felt okay, even as the boat lurched forward and roared upriver.

  ‘My thong,’ shouted Cammie into the air rushing past them, but no one could hear her.

  Tommy cut the motor to a low roar as they reached the part of the river they told Pauline and their parents they’d go. It was just on the other side of the big bridge, where you could see smooth grey stones in the shallow water and there was a grassy picnic area. There were a few people fishing from a rock wall and some others eating fish and chips from greasy newspaper. The salty, oily smell carried on the breeze.

  ‘Can we go up further around the bend?’ asked Jez, craning his neck to where the river curved and the bush got thicker and greener.

  Tommy lifted his head to the cloudless sky. ‘No, we should do what we said. Let’s get out and have something to eat here.’

  They used the oars to row onto the shore, the smooth rocks clunking along the bottom of the boat. Jez hopped out first. The water was cool around Karin’s ankles, so she didn’t mind it too much. It was hot now, the sun almost directly above them. She wished she’d brought a hat like her dad had told her to.

  ‘Hang on. I don’t have a thong,’ said Camilla, hopping on one leg through the water onto the sandy bank. ‘This isn’t going to work.’

  ‘Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you kicked it off,’ said Phoebe.

  Camilla elbowed her in the ribs and she yelped. ‘Well, it’s not my fault nobody helped me get it back.’

  ‘Be nice, you two,’ said Karin. Her sisters stuck their tongues out at each other.

  ‘There’ll be bindies in the grass,’ said Camilla, her voice high and whiny.

  Phoebe stopped and took off one of her thongs and gave it to Camilla. ‘Here. Will this shut you up?’

  Camilla smiled and nodded, slipping the too-big thong onto her foot. ‘Can I have the other one? So they match?’ Phoebe rolled her eyes, and took off her other thong and handed it over.

  Jez sifted rocks through his fingers and skimmed the choice ones across the water. They all joined in, hooting as Tommy’s nearly reached the middle of the river. Tommy tried to teach Karin how to ‘put her shoulder into it’ but hers still didn’t skip more than twice. She found one shaped like a heart and secreted it into her pocket.

  ‘Look, a shark egg,’ said Camilla, kicking at it with her foot.

  ‘Don’t,’ said Jez, picking up the black, spiky egg. ‘I knew there were sharks breeding up here.’ He nodded upriver. ‘You’re not meant to swim up there.’

  ‘But can’t the sharks be anywhere in the river then?’ Camilla asked, her little face scrunched up.

  Jez ran his fingers over the rim of the soft shell. ‘Sharks are more aggressive when they’re breeding.’

  Camilla cocked her head. ‘What is breeding anyhow?’

  Karin and Phoebe exchanged a look. ‘Come on, let’s see what Pauline packed for morning tea,’ Karin held up the backpack Jez had brought.

  They picked their way over the spiky grass to a big shady tree, its branches and roots fat and strong. The boys were climbing within minutes. Karin opened the backpack and found a picnic rug rolled tight and a packet of sandwiches wrapped in grease-proof paper. Phoebe helped her spread the rug down on the grass and they took out plastic cups and a bottle of orange cordial.

  Karin spotted some men while they were eating their sandwiches. She couldn’t explain how she knew they were not good men, but she just did. She felt glad to have the dog with them, even if he was laid out next to her like a panting baby.

  The dog seemed to be watching the men too, one eye closed and the other alert. One of the men was tall and skinny, and had a pointy-looking face, which was clouded by smoke from the cigarette in his mouth. Karin could smell it from where they were sitting. The other was short and fat and wore a fisherman’s hat one size too small. No one else seemed to have noticed them except her and the dog. There was something odd about the way the skinny one kept looking around with squinty eyes, as though he was waiting for someone, or something. She imagined they were prisoners who had escaped from jail and were running from the police. Or maybe they were robbers planning on breaking into someone’s house.

  She looked over at Tommy to see if he’d noticed them but he’d disappeared high up in the tree and was hidden among the leaves. There was a pecking order by age: Tommy, Karin, Jez, Phoebe, Camilla. As the two eldest, she and Tommy shared the responsibility for keeping the others safe. They’d never spoken about it, but sometimes they would give each other a look and Karin would know that he was taking charge. She didn’t mind. He was a year older and wanted to be a policeman.

  Camilla was stretched out on the rug, taking up most of it. She threaded daisy stems into a necklace, humming a song Karin recognised but couldn’t put her finger on. Karin picked a handful too and ran her fingers over their tiny, delicate petals.

  ‘Let’s see who can make the longest chain,’ she said.

  ‘I will,’ said Camilla.

  Karin thought about pointing out the men to Phoebe but she was sitting on the lowest branch of the tree, swinging her legs, and looking up at Jez with a soft smile on her face.

  CHAPTER 8

  Eucalyptus leaves crunched under foot as Phoebe made her way down the driveway. She heard her sister’s name on the wind and turned to find where the voice was coming from. The street was desert
ed. It was early and threatening rain—not the sort of weather for a morning stroll, but Phoebe needed to get out of the house. After her strange late-night conversation with Jez and now hearing Karin’s name, she felt as though she was losing it.

  She was checking the letterbox when she felt something brush her legs. A dog.

  ‘Hello!’ She looked up to see an old woman standing behind the fence in front of the small fibro house next door.

  ‘Steffi, come. Leave the poor girl alone. Sorry, did I startle you?’

  The old lady’s hair sat in soft white tufts, like cotton wool around a small, alert head. Her features were neat and even—the kind that suggested past beauty. Her eyes were a milky blue, staring into the middle distance.

  ‘No, no, you didn’t. Is this your dog? She’s beautiful,’ Phoebe said, running her fingers through the golden retriever’s thick mane.

  ‘Sorry, for a moment I . . . forgot. I thought you were Karin. I’m sorry. Are you one of her sisters? I’ve heard someone at the house.’

  ‘It’s okay. Yes, I’m her sister Phoebe.’

  ‘Oh Phoebe, Karin told me about you and your glamorous job in the city.’

  She laughed. ‘Really not as glamorous as it sounds.’

  Phoebe moved towards the fence, looking at the house properly for the first time—the neatness of its lawn, the proud slope of its roof. Although the woman was blind, she clearly looked after her little home.

  ‘You must be Ginny. Karin spoke about you. I’m sorry I haven’t visited earlier. It’s just I wasn’t sure how long I’d be staying here.’

  ‘That’s quite all right. I understand how busy you young people are. Karin was always off on weekends away. I don’t know how you find the energy. I suppose I had it once. Anyway, you’re here now. Will you come in for a cup of tea?’

  Phoebe stiffened. Karin had never mentioned going away for weekends, not regularly. She wondered what Ginny was talking about. ‘Was Karin away a lot? Overnight?’

  ‘Oh yes, I was always keeping an ear out for her place on the weekends she was gone. Not that a blind old lady could have done much.’