The Lost Summers of Driftwood

by Vanessa McCausland

  There was a soft touch on her shoulder.

  ‘Why not?’ asked Jez, and for a moment she thought it was Jez’s fingertips but then she felt it on her cheek, the tops of her thighs, her hair. Charred leaves were raining from the sky, still warm.

  Phoebe’s heart was beating fast as they ran towards Driftwood.

  CHAPTER 11

  Warmth seeped through the window pane and Phoebe flattened her palm against the glass. The air outside was ashen, but it was the wind that was scary. She scanned the river for evidence of fire. It had felt so close the night before. There would be no going home, no doing anything but preparing for the worst. She lay on her back and listened. Voices came from deeper in the house. She heard the low crack of Jez’s voice. She had replayed his words in her head until sleep had finally snuck in. Her dreams had been full of him—him and Asha, him and her, the world burning around them. She had no idea how she was going to approach this day—Jez with his secret exposed only to her, or Asha, with her scalding comments.

  A deep thirst made her pull her body up from the sofa. She tiptoed down the hall to find the bathroom empty. She drank straight from the tap, scooping water into the cup of her hand. She’d never worn much make-up but she wished she had a few things to help with the tired face looking back at her. She needed to go home to get her toothbrush and a change of clothes but had no idea if it would be safe. She opened the top drawer of the bathroom vanity and found a make-up bag. Asha’s. She ran her fingers over the tinted moisturiser, concealer, mascara and blush, and was tempted to use just a little. There was something so intimate about seeing the tools a woman used to cover her flaws. Phoebe shut the drawer and looked at herself in the mirror again. Was she really the kind of person who could steal another woman’s man?

  She opened the drawer again and picked up the blush. She could really do with a little colour in her cheeks. Would it be bad if she just used a tiny bit? Phoebe was staring at her reflection when the door opened. She jumped when she saw Asha and shoved the blush into the drawer. Asha’s face was hidden behind a tumble of blonde hair and her eyes were red-rimmed, as if she’d been crying.

  ‘Sorry,’ Phoebe said, startled, hoping to God Asha hadn’t seen her. ‘I’ll be out in a sec.’

  Asha shook her head. ‘No, it’s okay. I just need to pee.’ She pushed past her to the toilet, pulled up her nightie and sat on the seat, hair still hanging over her face. Phoebe was so shocked she couldn’t move for a second.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said again and quickly left, pulling the door shut behind her. She felt, again, like an intruder.

  Jez and Tommy were at the dining table. Jenna had Harry on her hip in the kitchen. Jez looked up and something tentative passed between them. Tommy ate toast, sipping on coffee while he chewed. He rapped his thumb on the paper open in front of him when he saw Phoebe.

  ‘Good timing, Phoebe. We’re just working out the plan for the day. I went into the Bay early, got some supplies, the papers, and had a chat to some mates at the station. Road’s still clear so we’ve just been deciding . . . You could drive to the Bay and camp out there in a hotel and see this thing out, but you’d need to get going soon.’ He glanced at his watch and then up at her. ‘Like now.’

  Phoebe felt Jez’s eyes on her. She thought about how easy it would be to go stay somewhere that had internet access and was safe. She could return to her normal life, drive home as soon as the highway opened. But that dream from last night was still inside her, a promise and a curse. She couldn’t help it—she didn’t want to leave Jez yet. She didn’t want to be on her own and go back to her shell of a life. And she thought of the cottage. All the beautiful antiques Karin had collected, her grandfather’s ancient reading chair, the family photos, the place Karin had last been alive. She couldn’t abandon it. She heard Ginny’s voice in her head, ‘But no, I must admit, it doesn’t seem right that Karin would do that to herself.’ Something wasn’t right, Phoebe was sure of it now. And the book of flower meanings that Karin gave to Ginny . . . was the note Karin left a hidden message? What about the weekends away? There were too many unanswered questions. It would feel like she was abandoning her sister if she left now.

  ‘I’ll stay and fight,’ she said.

  Tommy glanced up at her, surprise lighting his features. ‘You know we mightn’t have the manpower to . . .’ She could tell he was going to say ‘save’ but changed his mind. ‘Fireproof everyone’s places.’

  Phoebe nodded and chewed at her bottom lip. ‘I know, Driftwood and Wendy’s place are the priorities. My place being just a holiday house . . .’ But as she said this she realised it wasn’t just that anymore. It held so many memories, memories of her sister. She couldn’t lose the cottage, too. Her family might not care, but she did.

  Tommy and Jez exchanged a glance. Tommy stood, his body poised on his fingertips. ‘We’ll do our best to look after everyone’s places.’ He straightened and clapped his hands. ‘Where is my team? Is everyone still asleep?’

  Jenna called out from the kitchen. ‘There’s sourdough here for toast and OJ in the fridge. Make sure you eat. And Tommy’s bought a whole heap of bottled water.’

  ‘I’ll see what Asha and Flick are up to,’ said Jez, getting up from the table.

  Phoebe went into the kitchen. ‘Hello there,’ she said to a Vegemite-smeared Harry.

  He gazed back at her without expression and spun the wheels of his red train with a tiny thumb. Last night, Tommy and Jenna had described some of his tantrums but Phoebe couldn’t imagine this placid boy in a state of agitation.

  She poured herself a glass of juice and drank it quickly. Jenna passed her a slice of freshly buttered toast. ‘What are you and Harry going to do?’ Phoebe asked.

  ‘We’ll stay here, fill the baths and the sinks,’ said Jenna, wiping Harry’s hands and face with a washer.

  Jez returned and began to rinse the breakfast plates. ‘Thanks,’ he mumbled, and their eyes met fleetingly. ‘For staying to help out.’

  Phoebe wanted to whisper in his ear about her dreams, exorcise the messed-up feelings in her body, but she just nodded. ‘So, what’s the plan, then?’

  Tommy stepped into the kitchen and clapped his hands. ‘Can we get a move along, people? Leave the goddamn dishes. Get Harry dressed. This isn’t a lazy Sunday brunch, there are people’s homes at risk.’

  ‘We need to eat,’ said Jenna, her eyes flashing. She put Harry on the ground and Tommy picked him up.

  ‘I’ll get him ready,’ he said.

  ‘No, I’ll do it,’ said Jenna, prising Harry from his arms and leaving the room.

  Tommy looked at his watch, agitated. He started putting the water bottles in a plastic bag. ‘This is the plan. Jez will come with me to help out at Wendy’s. Jenna, Asha and Phoebe will fill the baths and sinks, hose and rake around the property.’ He sighed. ‘Does anyone know where Flick is?’

  ‘She’s not up for helping,’ said Jez, putting down the tea towel.

  Tommy rolled his eyes and left the kitchen with the bags full of water bottles. His anxiety was like tinder catching.

  A buzz of intense worry started in Phoebe’s chest. She considered the prospect of being stuck here in this smoke cocoon with Asha. ‘How long will you be at Wendy’s?’ she asked Jez.

  ‘I’ll just go up there for a few hours then come back before lunch. Wendy and Tex have decided they want to stay and fight if the fire gets close. I want to help them.’

  Phoebe swallowed a mouthful of toast with difficulty. ‘I need some long pants and sneakers from the cottage. Do you mind if I walk up with you? Then I’ll drive back.’ The thought of venturing into the opaque air alone was frightening.

  She suddenly thought of Ginny. ‘Jez, I think we need to check on Karin’s neighbour, Ginny.’

  She realised her mistake when she saw the surprise on Jez’s face. ‘I mean, my neighbour. She’s very old and she’s blind.’

  Jez nodded. ‘We’ll check in on her. Come on, we’d better get going. I’ll m
eet you at the front gate in five. Grab a wet towel from the bathroom to put over your mouth.’

  It was only a few hundred metres up the road but in the haze it seemed much further. Sunlight fell in smoky streaks in front of them. The crickets and birds that usually dominated this stretch of bush were quiet. They walked in silence, towels over their mouths, like actors in a post-apocalyptic film. Phoebe’s eyes stung, and the inside of her nose burned as though all the tiny hairs inside had been singed. When they reached the cottage she gave Jez a wave at the drive.

  ‘Grab what you need. I’ll wait here,’ he said, his voice muffled against the towel. ‘You’re not going back on your own.’

  ‘I’m okay,’ she said, even though she didn’t feel it. ‘I’ll just drive back.’

  ‘Go on, I’ll wait.’

  She went inside, heart hammering, and grabbed Karin’s jacket from the coat hook. She hesitated in front of Karin’s wardrobe. It had felt disrespectful to help herself to her sister’s clothes, but now a sense of urgency overruled. She found a pair of Karin’s joggers, one size too big, and jeans that looked roughly the right size. She shoved her pyjamas, toothbrush and cosmetics bag into a supermarket tote. On the way out she grabbed her mobile phone, charger and the car keys.

  ‘Ready,’ she yelled to Jez, who she could just make out at the end of the drive.

  He jogged towards the car and got in. She could feel him studying her from the passenger seat. ‘I thought I would have scared you off.’

  She glanced at him. His hair was a greasy mess, his T-shirt had a hole where the collar band was coming away and his skin was pink-tinged with sunburn. She had a strong urge to kiss him. She manoeuvred the car carefully down the drive. She didn’t trust herself to answer him.

  He faced her, one hand on the dash. ‘Can we talk?’

  Phoebe jammed her foot on the brake, the blinker sounding as loud as her heart. She wasn’t used to talking about feelings like this. Nathaniel had always been uncomfortable dissecting their relationship. ‘Let’s get through today, okay?’ The words rushed out of her and she was surprised at how breathless she was. ‘We’re in the middle of a bushfire. I’m going to need to call work and tell them I’m not coming in next week. I’m feeling . . .’ She stopped. ‘Ginny. Next door. We need to check on her.’

  Jez took a moment to register her words, his eyes trained on her intently. ‘I’ll go.’

  He got out of the car and loped down the drive. Phoebe hoped someone had come for Ginny. She knew she had family locally.

  Jez was breathless and coughing when he returned. ‘No one’s home.’

  Phoebe’s shoulders slumped in relief. ‘Oh good, someone must have come and got her.’ She could feel Jez watching her again.

  ‘Thank you. Thank you for just staying here and not leaving yet,’ he said.

  She didn’t know how to reply. Was she giving him false hope? Could she really let him back into her life, her heart? Could she do that to Asha? Her mind felt as choked as the air and she squeezed her eyes shut. When she opened them he wasn’t looking at her anymore.

  They drove the short way to the end of the street in silence and Phoebe stood and watched while he drove back up the hazy road, the sound of her heart in tune with the muted thrum of cicadas.

  The work was hot and the air stubborn, refusing to refresh their lungs. They had been clearing for what felt like hours, raking leaves from the grass and picking up sticks to pile at the end of the garden as far from the house as possible. Now the sun was high, and the heat rising from the ground made Phoebe feel as though she was trapped inside a glass jar. She leaned on her rake, watching as Asha sat down on the front step and wiped her arm across her forehead. She had hiked her white dress up to her thighs, tucking it into the band of her underwear.

  ‘I feel like maybe I need to apologise,’ Asha said, kicking off her gumboots and shaking them.

  Phoebe looked behind her but there was no one there but them. ‘What for?’ She tried to keep her voice light.

  ‘Being a bit of a bitch.’ Asha took a deep breath and scraped her hair off her face. She leaned back on her arms. ‘I’ve been known to exhibit hostile behaviour. I was the same with Flick when she first came. Now we’re besties.’

  Phoebe fought to look natural as she batted a fly away with her hand. A tight knot of guilt pulled in her stomach. ‘Oh, you know, I get it. It’s always a bit weird with ex-girlfriends.’

  Asha shot her a small smile and pulled a cigarette out of the pocket of her dress, rolled it between her fingers and then put it down on the deck beside her. ‘You know what? I actually don’t feel like smoking when I can’t breathe. Weird, huh?’

  Phoebe laughed cautiously. ‘Yeah. Or no.’

  ‘It’s a dirty habit, anyhow. Want a beer?’

  ‘Definitely.’

  Asha went inside and Phoebe sat on the shaded part of the step and brushed the burned leaves away with her hands. They crumbled at her touch. So now Asha was going to give up the smokes? Just when Jez had decided to leave her. Phoebe rubbed her burning eyes and sighed deeply. Life could be so ironic.

  Asha returned and handed her a sweating VB, and Phoebe rolled it behind her neck, feeling the coolness ease the woozy exhaustion. Her hands came away blackened but she had nowhere to wipe them.

  ‘Probably not the swanky Sydney beer you’re used to but it does the trick,’ said Asha, sitting beside her on the step.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ve drunk my share of VB,’ she said, trying not to sound as snobby as Asha obviously thought she was. ‘It’s an Aussie teenager’s rite of passage.’

  Phoebe chinked bottles with Asha and they both drank. ‘What was Jez like as a teenager, anyway?’

  The prospect of talking about that was only slightly more appealing than the thought of getting up and continuing work in the unforgiving heat. At least Asha was trying.

  ‘Um, okay, that’s hard. It was so long ago.’ Phoebe paused to let that sink in. ‘I guess he wasn’t unlike he is now, but there was just an innocence that isn’t there as much anymore. Maybe he’s more cynical now.’ She shook her head. ‘It’s hard to tell, really. Everyone probably gets more cynical as they age.’

  ‘That’s funny, I don’t see any cynicism in him. I think he’s still blind to how life really is. He’s always seeing the good in people, but in my experience, that’s just not realistic.’

  Phoebe thought about everything that Asha must have been through with the miscarriages and felt for her. ‘Maybe that’s why you’re a good match—he needs someone with their head screwed on.’

  Asha pulled her hair into a low bun against the nape of her neck. ‘Do you really think we’re a good match?’

  She looked up and their eyes met. Where Phoebe expected to see defiance, she saw instead vulnerability. She saw, suddenly, the thick armour that Asha cloaked herself in, beetle-like. But underneath Phoebe could see all the fragile little legs kicking. Part of her wanted to warn Asha just how unhappy Jez was.

  Phoebe shook her head. ‘I don’t know you well enough to judge. I mean, Wendy told me that you’d both been through a lot trying to have a baby. That can’t have been easy.’

  Asha laughed her deep, throaty laugh. ‘So, that’s a no, then.’

  ‘No, I mean, how can we judge anyone’s relationship? You’re asking me, who just had her partner tell her he couldn’t marry her with the ring sitting there right in his pocket. The ring I chose.’

  ‘Really?’ Asha’s eyes widened and she put down her beer. ‘So you knew he was going to propose but he didn’t do it?’

  ‘Yeah. We were in Hawaii to get engaged. It was the whole purpose of the holiday. I mean we were both busy with work. We’d planned it, but we’d had to fit it around work and stuff. We’d been living together for a while; I wasn’t expecting some surprise engagement, like out of a Hollywood movie. We’d chosen the ring together, and I knew that one of the nights he was going to propose. I guess you could call it practical, but . . .’

  ‘We
re you the one driving it? The getting married thing?’ Asha shook her head. ‘I mean, sometimes I wonder, is it just me who really wants a baby? Is his heart in it, or is he just going along with it?’

  Phoebe felt tiny pricks of tears behind her eyes at Asha’s admission. They were both loved by a man who was not in love with them. She thought back to the recent wedding ceremony of a friend. The minister had said that love should be more than romantic love, that a lifetime of marriage required loving someone more than merely being in love. She’d felt conflicted hearing that. Part of her wanted the minister to be wrong, part of her knew he was probably right. And she still felt unsure. Was it too much to ask to still feel a spark, even after many years? Or could you feel it at first, only to have it snuffed out by the drone of so many days together? And did it matter if the spark dimmed to an ember?

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Phoebe, taking a long pull of her beer. ‘I mean, we were both . . . how do I put it? Maybe we were more in love with the idea of marriage than what it meant to spend the rest of our lives together. I’m not sure that I wanted him as much as I wanted a husband and a child and everything that goes with that. I felt ready for it.’

  Asha nodded and ran her thumb over the condensation on the beer bottle. ‘And then at some point you realise that nothing is actually perfect. So the question is, should both of you have persisted with getting married to someone who was a pretty good match, even though you weren’t madly in love—whatever that is—or is it best that he decided to walk away?’

  Asha could have been asking the same thing of her own relationship. Maybe she was. Phoebe looked at her with her pretty hair, bottle of VB resting on the white flesh of her thigh. She had underestimated her. She could see the woman Jez had fallen in love with. But now, perhaps through the small injuries they had dealt each other over time, he could no longer see Asha for who she was, and she couldn’t show him either.

  It struck Phoebe that Asha might be considering leaving Jez. She could tell Asha what Jez was planning to do, free her from the same awful bind of being loved but not loved. But it wasn’t Phoebe’s place and she would never betray Jez.