Like Falling

by Jaden Wilkes

  “Hey Tiff,” Sarah waved limply, “I’m Sarah.” She could see Tyr watching her in the rearview mirror. His eyes were crinkled around the corner and she knew he was smiling at her, enjoying this misery a little too much. She stuck her tongue out at him and he laughed. Tiff looked back at Sarah, smiling but obviously confused. Sarah made the circular universal sign for crazy by her temple and grinned. As awful as this was, it might be just what she needed to forget about Adam and her terrible first time.

  They got to the theatres with a few moments to spare, Sarah was excited, she had only ever been to her home town’s tiny theatre twice in her life. Once when she was ten for a screening of Bambi, and once a few years ago, she and Naomi had snuck into that sexy action flick. She had watched movies late at night on the little TV in the living room at home, but never anything like Fight Club. Her favorites back then had been sappy romances like The Notebook and Titanic. She was starting to think her love of romance movies might be part of her problem with guys. Why wouldn’t Adam or Tyr behave like the heroes on the big screen? Will anyone ever sweep me off my feet?

  They settled into their seats and the movie started. Tyr bought them each a popcorn and a drink, Sarah had thanked him and meant it, she couldn’t believe the prices! Tyr sat in between the two girls, Tiff was whispering continuously during the trailers and Sarah was starting to get annoyed. What does Tyr see in her, aside from the huge breasts of course. She leaned away from him and vowed to enjoy this.

  An hour into the film and Tyr nudged her to get out. She had done her best to ignore Tiff’s whispering and giggling, but had laughed to herself the couple of times people told Tiff to shut up. She leaned back in her seat, he got up and faced her, stepping over her in the confined space. He stopped directly in front of her, she was face level with his package and noted the size of it. Oh my. She felt the familiar warm tingle between her thighs, it seemed to be her Pavlovian response to being near him. She looked up, for just a moment, he stared down at her directly into her eyes. They were alight with a force, as though he had willed her to look at him. She felt a shiver go up her spine and gasped quietly. He reached down and gently moved a strand of her hair off her cheek, his fingers lingered half a second too long, and he was gone. She hunched down in her seat and could feel where his fingers grazed her skin burning like a fire. She looked over at Tiff and could see the other woman staring at her with narrowed eyes. Oh shit, she saw that, she thought, reaching for her drink. Tyr can deal with that tantrum, he’s the one who brought it on. He returned and slid past her with no repeat of the earlier moment. She exhaled, partially with relief, but partially with regret.

  The rest of the movie was awesome, the crowd really got into it, cheering and yelling at the screen. She loved the feeling of communion, she hadn’t realized she could be part of a group experience like this outside of church. It filled her with hope for the future. She felt like she really understood the film as well, really got the message more so than if she had seen it a year ago. The confusion and directionless feeling the main character had really spoke to her. The double life thing too, sometimes I’m still that good little Mennonite girl, and sometimes I’m just me.

  They exited the theatre and walked towards Tyr’s Jeep. She noticed that Tiff, god what a stupid name, tried to grab his hand as they walked, but he pulled away to look for his keys. She wasn’t sure if he did it on purpose, or genuinely needed his keys right then, but it made her smile nonetheless. Once at his vehicle she noticed that Tiff rushed to stand next to the front passenger side, claiming it. Sarah didn’t mind, she got into the backseat, she could see Tyr in the mirror.

  The ride to her house was awkward, Tiff tried to engage Tyr in small talk, but he was focused on Sarah in the mirror. Sarah felt terrible for Tiff, she had no idea what kind of little battlefield she had stepped into. It was as though Sarah and Tyr were in the middle of a staring contest and she was trying to get their attention.

  When they pulled up in front of her building, she was ready and got out before he could even reach for his seatbelt. She waved at the two of them and said goodbye as she closed the door. She saw Tiff relax as soon as she left the Jeep, she was starting to feel sorry for the girl.

  In her apartment she undressed and climbed into bed. She was drifting off to sleep when a thought popped into her head. Tyr pausing in front of her in the theatre, his tight pants in her face, his tender touch on her skin, the lingering sensation of his touch. She smiled and fell asleep.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Sunday afternoon Sarah could barely work up the courage to call her mother. She just knew her mom would know something was different, and she was terrified to be found out.

  “Sarah, sometimes you truly are a dork,” Naomi laughed at her. “There is no way she’s going to know. My parents were way crazier than yours, and they couldn’t tell.”

  “What if my dad wants to talk? I miss him sometimes, but I would die if he asked me what was going on. Die!” she said, knowing she was being overly dramatic but she couldn’t help herself.

  “I get that, we’re all scared of our parents, but you have to learn to deal with them as an adult. You’re not a little kid anymore, you’re in charge of your life. Remember that. Don’t let them guilt you into anything you don’t want to do.”

  “Ok,” she bit her lower lip and felt completely unconvinced. She finally talked herself into it and hit their name on her phone. It range and her mom picked up immediately. Sarah looked at Naomi and mouthed the words “Help me” as Naomi walked away, laughing and waving her off.

  “Hi mom, how are you guys?”

  “Everybody’s good....” her mom launched into her weekly recap of everything that had happened on their farm and in their community. A couple cows got out, a barn burned down and three babies were born to three happy families. The usual dull information that Sarah had run from, but today it seemed more significant somehow. She was starting to see how these mundane events kept people tied together. Connections seemed so stifling to her previously, but she could understand the need for security and comfort through familiarity. It dawned on her that she missed her old life. Not enough to ever return to it, but she could see the parts of it that would help her now. She needed to find some kind of security, like the communion she had experienced in the theatre. She didn’t know what it was yet, but she knew she needed it in her life eventually.

  “Sarah, is there something wrong?”

  “What? No! Why?” had her voice betrayed her?

  “I heard from Eric’s parents, they said that he’s been trying to call you. Have you talked to him at all?”

  “I told you mom, this phone is a cheapo pay and talk, you’ll have to tell him to text me. Or look me up on Facebook,” she would have to remember to lock her profile down, she didn’t want god boy to find out anything about her life here.

  “Ok, I’ll convey the message. I was worried that you had changed your mind. You know how important it is that you follow through with this. We need to know you’re on a righteous path with a young man from our faith. It means everything to us. And you're not getting any younger...”

  “I know mom, I promise I’ll return his texts if he get around to it, ok?” she didn’t feel bad interrupting, she wasn’t in the mood for another depressing list of ‘reasons she would never find a good husband’ from her mother.

  They spent a few more moments talking about her upcoming week. She even bluffed her way through a short conversation with her dad. Do they not hear the change in my voice? I had sex mom and dad! I’m not a virgin!! She kept these thoughts to herself, and pulled off a normal Sunday chat.

  For dinner Naomi and Nic dragged Sarah to a nearby chain restaurant to celebrate her ‘passage to womanhood’ as they called it. They all wore pink in honour of her lost virginity, and ordered ridiculous pink martinis to toast the end of an era.

  “I know he treated you pretty bad, but I for one am glad you got it over with,” Naomi offered up a toast. “And honestly, at least
it’s done. Now you know what to expect and you can save your first good time for somebody you really care about.” She and Nic looked at each other, smiled, and kissed.

  “I want what you guys have,” Sarah said with envy. Both of them turned with eyebrows raised inquisitively. “Well, not exactly what you have,” she laughed. “I want a guy, I like...penis.”

  “Penis? What is this, biology class? It’s a dick or a cock. Come on, you can say it,” Naomi said, egging her on.

  “Um...cock,” Sarah whispered.

  “What was that?” Nic joined in.

  “Cock.”

  “Almost there,” both Nic and Naomi said.

  “Ok...ok...Cock!”

  Of course their cute waiter chose that moment to return with another round of drinks.

  “Having fun already ladies?” he asked, smiling widely.

  The three of them burst into giggles.

  *****

  Monday morning. Sarah was half tempted to not go to class. She felt sick at the thought of seeing Adam after what had happened. She was relieved when Nic walked out of the bathroom brushing her teeth.

  “Oh thank god, are we going to class together this morning?” she asked Nic.

  Nic motioned to the toothbrush and made an illegible noise.

  “Oh yeah, go finish and we can talk,” Sarah laughed.

  Nic reappeared moment later looking polished and beautiful, like a tanned cheerleader. She had the picture perfect looks that made men act like dogs around her, but only had eyes for Naomi. Sarah was so happy that she was in her life, and was so good to her best friend. She wondered how their community would take the news if Naomi ever chose to tell them. She knew at that moment, seeing her two friends together, that she would stand by Naomi even if it meant being forced out of their church. The two girls were so obviously meant to be that it would be wrong to tear them apart. The sudden strength of her choice alarmed her, it felt easy to stand up for her friend’s choices, but she was still nervous about her own. Will I ever find something that compels me to stand up for myself?

  “So yes, I am coming with you to class. Adam needs a good junk punch, but we’ll have to settle for some support for you,” Nic said and gave Sarah a small hug. “Tyr is going to meet us before class, in front of the cafeteria. He wants to tear Adam’s head off, so we’ll have to keep him calm.”

  *****

  They had been waiting for Tyr for over five minutes when they saw his Jeep pulling up outside.

  “Why wouldn’t he find a parking spot?” Nic asked Naomi who just shrugged. They watched as the waitress, aka Tiff, jumped out of the passenger door and ran around to meet Tyr. He leaned over, kissed her, and smacked her ass as she skipped to the driver’s side, got in and drove away. Did she seriously just fucking skip? Gag.

  Naomi turned and looked at Sarah, shock written all over her face. “Are you going to be ok?”

  “Yeah, totally, why wouldn’t I be?” she lied outright, her heart fluttering in her chest.

  “I just thought...well...never mind,” Nic replied as Tyr pulled the door open and greeted them. I will not let him see how much this bothers me, we are just friends anyways, why does it bother me? I need to deal with the Adam shit before I add anyone else to my list of must haves anyhow. This is probably for the best. Why did it feel as though her heart were breaking?

  In class, she opted to sit with Nic and Tyr at the top of the lecture theatre, near the top. Adam came in, as brusque as usual, and looked startled to see her usual seat vacant. His eyes scanned the students and he found her at last, he raised his brows and looked confused, hurt even. Great, now I feel like an asshole. Did I make a big deal out of nothing? Maybe I overreacted. She slid down in the seat and pulled out her laptop. Nic and Tyr were whispering quietly, Nic’s voice sounded tense and angry. She seemed pissed about something, but Sarah couldn’t quite pick up the gist of their conversation. She hoped Nic was telling him off for fucking around with Tiff, but she wouldn't bet on it.

  The class dragged on, for once Adam seemed to have no energy, his voice was monotone and he fumbled a few times, almost dropping the remote for the slide projector. At the end of the class Nic and Tyr packed up and were ready to go when Sarah hesitated.

  “I think I should go talk to him,” she said.

  “Are you fucking serious? He’s a fucking dick, he kicked you out into the rain, why do you owe him anything?” Tyr said with such force that Sarah took a step back.

  “What the hell is your problem with him anyways? Maybe I made a big deal out of nothing, did you ever think of that?” she retorted.

  “That wasn’t a big deal out of nothing, you were upset. I was there, remember? I saw what he did to you,” he said.

  “I was drinking, I was scared and you know what? I don’t want to talk about it!” She grabbed her pack, stuffed her laptop into it and walked down to the front of the class. She was infuriated, he seemed to give a fuck when it was convenient for him without any regard to her feelings. He was so fucking confusing.

  Adam was bent over packing up a few books when she got to the front. The room had cleared out and she waited until he looked up before she said “hey”.

  He smiled and said “Sarah, how are you? I missed your beautiful smile down at the front today.”

  She was overcome with feeling shy, blushed and cast her eyes downwards. “Can we talk Adam? Can I help you back to your office?”

  “Of course, here can you take these?” he handed her a pile of books.

  Once they got inside, he closed the door, she put everything away and he turned on the kettle, business as usual. She turned to sit down and was surprised to find him directly behind her.

  “I’ve been thinking about you all weekend Sarah,” he said as he leaned down, cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. This time she felt it immediately, that tingle in her cleft, the creeping warmth and need to arch herself into him. They kissed like that, tongues spiraling around each other, fiercely and passionately for the next minute. He finally pulled away and said “it’s complicated though, I want you so badly, but my life is rather complex at the moment.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know how to say this. You know I’m only here until the end of next semester, right?”

  “No, I had no idea. Where are you going?”

  “The plan was for me to go back to the University of Victoria, on Vancouver Island. I’m not so certain at this point though.”

  “Why not?”

  “My wife is there, in Victoria. She and my daughter live there,” he replied with sad eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this earlier, but we’ve been on the outs. We have been wanting a divorce, but stayed together for my daughter. She’s very sensitive and it would crush her if we were to split up.” Ohmyfuckinggod he’s married? I am definitely going straight to hell.I lost my virginity to a married man? She tried to focus on what he was saying, but imagined her mother’s face if she found out how far into sin she had fallen. She felt a sudden urge to see her parents, to reorient her spiritual self. It passed and she was able to focus on what he was saying.

  “Don’t hate me, I never meant for this to happen. I never expected to meet somebody like you," he said, his voice heavy with regret.

  Somehow she wasn’t surprised, or angry. She still genuinely liked Adam, and in spite of Tyr’s misgivings, she didn’t think he was a serial seducer of bright eyed young students. He seemed lonely and lost. She reached out and touched his hair, ran her hand through it and felt very tender towards him. He seemed so confused and sad at that moment, and she wanted to comfort him. She pulled him towards her and embraced him, feeling his head on her chest. She didn’t know what to do, she was so unfamiliar with having somebody she looked up to lean on her for support.

  “So what will you do then, at the end of next semester? You can’t go back to Victoria?” she asked him, hoping to snap him out of it.

  “I am expected to, but I don’t know if I can live in the sa
me town as her. She is having an affair and flaunts it front of me. I hate that she does this, but she can’t help it, she comes from a very white collar background.”

  “You mean she’s trailer trash?” she had just learned that expression and was pleased to have a chance to use it.

  “One might say that, her parents are divorced, she might have picked this behaviour up from them. Regardless of what’s happening in her life, it has nothing to do with us,” he pulled her close to him again and kissed her, she responded but didn’t feel anything this time. She was confused by her sympathy, and was not turned on by his vulnerability. This isn’t fun anymore, she thought, not when this kind of sad reality crashes into my fantasy. This whole growing up thing sucks.

  She pulled back and said “this is a lot for me to process Adam. I think I need to take some time. Is that ok with you?”

  He looked hurt again but said “Of course Sarah, take whatever time you need. I understand I just put a lot on your plate at once, you should take time to pick through it.”

  She left his office and went to her next classroom. Sitting in the empty lecture theatre might give her some time to mull over what had just happened. She felt disgust at the thought of him being married, but it did explain his behaviour. He must have been so overcome with guilt that he withdrew emotionally after they were finished. If only there was something you could google, a list of behaviours, that would tell you what a guy was thinking. At this point Sarah wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with Adam again. She could make him wait until he was single, at least then she’d only be committing one sin. Look at me, I’m making bargains with my mortal soul to make sure I can still fool around. Being away from her family had already changed her, she thought it was for the better, but at times like this, she wasn’t so sure.

  She felt her phone buzz and looked down. She had an unread text, her heart skipped and she slid her finger across the screen waiting to see Tyr’s name. It was a number she didn’t recognize, the message read “Hi Sarah, my name is Eric Peters. I’ve been trying to call you but heard texting is better. Please reply, thx.”