“Hey,” I greet Sam with a huge hug, even though the little voice in the back of my mind keeps reminding me that it’s only temporary. I’m just a placeholder for Chloe Conley. And I’m really trying not to think about it. Once he lets me go, I tell him, “You all were amazing.”
“You think they liked it?”
“They loved it.”
His smile lights up his entire face, which, in spite of have just performed in the cold New York air, is flushed and damp with sweat. His hair is windswept and messier than ever, but his big blue eyes are bright and lively, almost electric. This is a moment that he and the guys have been waiting for for a long time. He’s earned that smile.
“Melissa!” Jesse comes up behind me and claps a hand on my shoulder. He’s not much of a hugger. “So, how were we?”
“You were great. As always. But everyone thought you were ugly,” I reply. Sam guffaws. He doesn’t laugh. He actually guffaws. Jesse just glares at me.
“Why are you so mean to me, Melissa?”
“Because she’s cute and she can get away with it.” Sam grins.
If I’d heard that from anybody else under any other circumstances, I’d think they were flirting. But I’m pretty sure Sam is just on an after-performance high right now. He’d probably call Jabba the Hutt cute if he were to roll into the room with his creepy dead alien eyes and his nasty slug mouth.
Of course, all the guys are really bigStar Warsfans so Sam might think he’s cute anyway. You never know.
Flirting and scary space worms aside, the reception is pretty fantastic. Not to mention all of the food they’ve prepared, which, I’ve got to be honest, probably costs more than I make working for the number one band in the nation. Granted, I’m really only compensated for my services with free food, free boarding, and complimentary trips around the world. The point is the food is expensive.
No sooner have Sam, Jesse, and I filled up our plates with coconut prawns, avocado wraps, and gourmet quiche than Joni approaches us, looking haggard.
“Have any of you checked Twitter recently?” she asks.
“You know, I meant to, but I had this thing where I had to be up on stage and singing - ”
“Shut up, Jesse,” Joni snaps. “Ever since the news broke about Sam and Chloe, people have been flooding not only her, but her fans also, with all kinds of cyber abuse. She’s even had death threats.”
“Are you kidding me?” I ask.
“Oh God, this is all my fault,” Sam mutters, rubbing his forehead.
“It’s not your fault. It’s Tara’s fault. But unfortunately, it is your problem,” Joni tells him. “Look, I know that fans can be passionate. It’s not unusual for them to get jealous, even possessive. The Internet makes that easy. But we can’t have this.”
“No, I definitely agree,” Sam says. “I’ll post something, try to put a stop to it.”
“Good. Thank you.”
Once she’s gone, Sam sighs and says, “This was not supposed to happen.”
“Bro, like she said, it’s not your fault,” Jesse says. “It’s what always happen. It’s what’s always gonna happen. Should it? No way. But you can’t control what other people say or do, especially online. Don’t let it discourage you. You deserve to be happy.”
“I guess,” Sam replies, before wandering off, staring intently at his phone.
“Do you think he’s going to be okay?” I ask Jesse.
“Oh yeah. He’ll be fine. The real question is are you going to be okay?”
“Me? Why me?”
“If all this Sam and Chloe stuff turns out to be real.” And then, with a cheeky wink, he walks away.
⋯
Why did he say that? Why would he say that? Of course he had to mean that because Sam is my best friend and he gets a famous girlfriend then it’s going to be weird for me. That has to be what he meant. Any other alternative is unthinkable. Because if Jesse knows, that means there’s a very good chance that Josh and Cory know too. And if Jesse, Josh, Cory, and Oliver all know, then it’s almost absolutely certain that Sam knows. That could be either a good or a bad thing.
It’s a good thing because it means that even though he knows that I’m in love with him, he’s still willing to be my friend and not high-tailing it in the other direction or living in fear that I’ll give him cooties or something. It’s a bad thing because it means he definitely doesn’t feel the same way, like even a little bit. I mean, I know that last night, he kind of confirmed that he didn’t feel that way about me, but you know. A girl still tries to hope.
But by now, I think it’s safe to say my hope is wearing pretty thin. If there’s any of it left at all.
I need to stop obsessing over this. Sam is not my life. So what if he knows that I like him, and so what if he’s actively ignoring this fact in order to keep things normal between us, andso whatif he’s in love with the beautiful, talented, and totally in his league Chloe Conley? I have a lot of stuff going for me. I still have a great job with the one of the best bands around. I’ve traveled all over the world and I’m going to get to see even more of it in the coming year. I might even pass my online classes. I say might because it’s definitely up in the air, but it would be an accomplishment.
So you see? I don’t need Sam. I don’t need any man. I could be single for the rest of my life and be okay with it. So there.
Right now, the guys are giving what must be their sixth or seventh interview for the day. I’m only sort of listening. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. Tell us about the album. Tell us about the tour. Yeah, yeah, we get it. They’re cool. Whatever.
I’m more interested in what’s going on with the fans and the media and The Great Chloe Revolution.
Okay, so maybe I still care a little about what goes on with Sam.
That message he wrote out to fans earlier is very vague.
@SamMorneauTKOS: Remember, not everything you read online is true. Please be respectful.
And that’s it. I guess it’s really not all that surprising. If there’s one thing Sam hates, it’s discussing his personal life on Twitter. Actually he just hates discussing his personal life in general.
Joni isn’t satiated. She doesn’t think he’s trying hard enough. But I think at least some of the fans got the message.
#TKOS Family, please stop harassing Chloe and her fans. Come on, we’re better than this.
I think we hurt Sam. Come on, he likes Chloe. He would never treat any of us this way. #HaveSomeRespect
I can’t believe the way people have been bullying Chloe. This isn’t us. #SupportSamAndChloe
But there are still others out there who are ignoring him.
Chloe Conley is rich, famous, and dating Sam Morneau. I don’t feel sorry for her at all. So a few people said mean things to her. #BooHoo #CryMeARiver
If you ask me, it sounds like Sam is regretting his decision to date Chloe. Probably a publicity stunt. Who’s shocked?
And so on.
Unfortunately, as Sam has said time and time again, this is a thing. And it’s a thing that happens more frequently than it should. It’s horrible that he and the fans go through this every time he likes or is reported to like someone. It’s not fair to anyone, especially the ones being bullied. But even Sam doesn’t have the power to put a complete stop to it.
It’s hard to believe, but there are things that even the guys can’t do.
CHAPTER 18
“Maybe this time, time, time
We can make this last forever
And baby we’ll shine, shine, shine
Just like these city lights
Oh please, be mine, mine, mine
In the moonlight, off the boardwalk
Over highways, under city lights tonight...”
Song: “City Lights”
Artist: The Kind of September
From the Album:Meet Me on the Midway
I don’t sit next to Sam on our flight back to LA. I’m not sure if he thinks too much into it or if he even no
tices at all. As a guy, he probably doesn’t. Like I said, they don’t usually analyze things the way we do. They’re so lucky.
But because I’m a girl and I do overanalyze things, I thought that it might be a better idea, all things considered, to take a seat next to Joni and let Sam sit with the guys. After all, I wouldn’t feel right holding his hand knowing that Chloe Conley might very well be waiting for him to land in Los Angeles, where he’ll sweep her off her feet and into a whirlwind romance that most girls, myself included, only dream about.
But, as I keep reminding myself, I don’t care about that. I don’t care about anything at all. We have a few short days in Los Angeles and then we get to go home for a whole month. I don’t even remember the last time we had that much time off. It’s going to be glorious. I’ll be able to spend time with my family, play on the beach with my brother and sister, go shopping with my mom, maybe do some hiking in the Redwoods.
Yep. It’s going to be a good holiday.
Now if I can just get through these next couple of days. I think I’ll be able to. No. I know I’ll be able to. Because if Melissa Kearney Parker is anything, it’s determined.
Okay, that might be a lie. Maybe determination isn’t my defining character trait. It’s probably something more like neutralism. Or neuroticism. Some “ism” beginning with N-E-U.
Whatever. It doesn’t matter. And dwelling any further on it isn’t going to make my head any less chaotic. It fact, it will probably only make this worse. So I decide to try to make some small talk with Joni.
“So, do you and Cory have anything planned for the holidays?”
“Just spending as much time with our family as possible. Cory wants Tara to come stay with us for a few days and get to know the family, but thankfully, Mom thinks about as much of her as you and I do. She’s been busy coming up with a whole list of reasons why we won’t have time for guests.”
“He’s really serious about her, isn’t he?”
“He thinks he is, but that’s because he’s too stupid to know the difference between love and infatuation.”
“Aren’t we all?” I ask. I mean, look at me. I’m infatuated with Sam and have been practically my entire life. I’ve always thought it was love. But maybe it’s not. Maybe I’m just as stupid as everyone else and won’t actually know what love really is until I’m on my deathbed. Maybe not even then.
“It’s not hard to figure out. Infatuation is temporary. It’s being in love with the idea of a person rather than the person him or herself. That’s what Cory feels for Tara. He’s in love with who he thinks she is, but he’s not in love with her. How could he be?”
It’s a fair question, I have to admit. But I understand what she’s saying. When Cory looks at Tara, he sees an angel. He sees a beautiful girl who cares about him and wants to be with him. He doesn’t see what the rest of us see. Maybe he can’t. Or maybe, just maybe, he’s choosing not to.
So where does that leave me? Have I simply been in love with my idea of Sam and not Sam himself? Perhaps I’m naive, but I really don’t think so. I know Sam. I know everything about him. I know his faults, his quirks, his annoying tendencies. I’ve been with him through the highs and lows, the brightest moments and darkest days. And after all of that, I still find myself looking forward to waking up each and every morning, just because I know I’ll get to spend time with him. He can make my entire day with a single smile. I’d do anything for him, and deep down, I’m pretty sure he’d do anything for me. He might not feel the same, but there’s no doubt in my mind that what I’ve felt for Sam Morneau all these years is love.
And unfortunately for me, I’m fairly certain it’s never going to go away.
⋯
When we land in Los Angeles, the guys prepare for an appearance on a late night talk show while I lock myself in Joni’s and my hotel room in order to take my online exams. Both are due tonight, and even though I really haven’t been concentrating on them the way I should, I think I’ll do okay.
Sitting here alone at the desk, notebooks spread before me, I find my thoughts drifting to my high school days with Joni, Cory, Jesse, and Sam. Most of the time, it feels like a whole other life, but on occasion, it seems like only yesterday. I can still see Sam in his jeans and old t-shirts, dashing through the halls because he’s late for class. I can hear Jesse telling a joke at his locker, his hair short and well-groomed. I commiserate with Cory as he frets over our physics projects that are due at the end of the week. Joni, on the other hand, isn’t worried at all. She’s a great student.
I have to admit sometimes I miss those days. They were simpler. A lot simpler. But even though I do find myself nostalgic at times, I don’t think I’d go back to them. This life may be hectic, crazy, even downright chaotic, but it’s also exciting and enlightening and so very full. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything, even if Sam isn’t a part of it the way I’d like him to be.
He must know somehow that I’m thinking about him, because I just received a text message from him asking, as usual, what I want for dinner later.
Just a few more days,I remind myself. A few more days of food on the road and then I get a whole month of home-cooked meals and nutritious snacks.
I know when we’re kids we dream of eating pizza and candy and other junk food all the time, but as an adult, it gets old. It’s a good thing we’re all constantly on the move or else we’d all weigh a ton. And when I say a ton, I don’t mean a lot, I mean like, an actual ton. Like two thousand pounds. Each.
I finally finish both my exams around the same time I receive two texts, one from Joni and one from Sam. Each is informing me that the interviews are finished and that they’re bringing Thai food back to the hotel. I tell them to hurry up. All that thinking and schoolwork left me famished.
While I wait, I can’t help but wonder what the guys talked about on the show. What questions were they asked? I know they talked about the new album, but did the person interviewing them ask Sam about Chloe? He probably did. I wonder what Sam told him. The show doesn’t air until the next day, and I’m almost positive the guys won’t want to watch it. They’re weird about watching themselves on television. I guess I’ll just have to keep an eye on Twitter later.
No. I don’t need to check Twitter later. I don’t care about Sam and Chloe. I keep forgetting that I’m trying to take this as an opportunity to move on from Sam, even though I pretty much concluded earlier on the plane that I am, in fact, actually in love with him. But you know, maybe that doesn’t matter. I hear all the time that it’s possible to love more than one person. That the whole idea of The One is just a myth. I guess a part of me believes it. The problem though, is that while there might be more than one The One, there is only one Sam. No one else in the world is like him. So maybe one day, I will love someone else. Maybe I will even bein love with someone else. But I will never love anyone the way I love Sam.
And I know that sounds all kinds of romantic and everything, but to be honest with you, it kind of sucks.
⋯
I’m tired of being cooped up in the hotel room, so I decide to head down to the lobby to wait for everyone. Besides, I’ve been sitting all day and I need to stretch my legs. I might even stop by the vending machines to grab a chocolate bar. Or two. Or maybe even five. After a day full of exams and emotional upheaval, I think I deserve a Snickers.
I’ve just collected my candy when Josh, Jesse, and Cory meander in through the revolving door.
“Hey, there’s the scholar!” Cory greets me with a broad smile and open arms.
“So, how did you do, Melissa? Do you think you passed?” Jesse asked.
“I can only hope.” I reply, noticing then that their arms are quite empty. “Where’s the food?”
“I’m hoping the others are bringing it in because I’m starving,” Josh replies. He really is no help at all. None of them are.
Hoping to be of some kind of assistance since I technically took the day off work, I sprint outside to see if Joni, Sam, Oliv
er, and the rest of the crew need any help. I spy Joni first, climbing out of one of the rental vans with two plastic sacks full of takeout Thai food.
“Hey, do you need any help?” I ask.
“Wow, Mel, how nice of you to offer. You know what would also be nice? If my brother and his band of goonies actually lifted a finger to help out once in a while!” Joni huffs. Clearly, this has not been her day either. I’ll give her one of my Snickers later.
“Where are Sam and Oliver?”
“I’m still back here,” Oliver calls from inside the van. “And I’ve got the drinks.”
“What about Sam?”
“He went in with the rest of the Peanut Gallery,” Joni says.
“Really? I didn’t see him,” I say. Is it possible he’s already upstairs? Maybe we crossed paths and I didn’t even realize it.
Shrugging it off, I take one of the plastic sacks from Joni and head back to the hotel. I figure Oliver will be more than happy to help her out. Hey, I may have struck out on love, but I’m really hoping that he still has a shot.
I’m just about at the door when a voice I know too well catches my ear. It’s Sam. And I think he’s in the alley.
“Look, I’m sorry. I don’t know how it got this far,” he’s saying.
“I know, and I’m not blaming you,” a new voice, distinctly female, replies. “But I’ve tried quelling the rumors myself and it’s not working. I need you to say something.”
Chloe Conley.
“I will.”
“Listen Sam, I want you to know I think you’re a really good guy. And I know that people are always going to talk. A lot of that is my doing after what happened with Josh last year. But I really need all of this to stop. Not just for me, but for my fans. They matter more to me than anything, and I can’t stand seeing them attacked for something that has nothing to do with them. Or me, for that matter.”
“I know. And again, I’m sorry. A lot of things were taken out of context.”
“It happens,” Chloe says. “Well listen, I’ve got to go. I have a date tonight. But it was good to see you again.”
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