by Todd, E. L.
She was silent.
I turned and left the room. When I reached the front door, I almost didn’t walk through. But I knew there was nothing I could do. I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I obviously did something. I opened the door then closed it behind me. When I walked out to the street, I couldn’t see where I was going through the tears in my eyes.
Somehow I ended up at my apartment. When I collapsed on the couch, I stared at the wall for a long time, not even thinking. Then the tears burst from my eyes and cascaded down my face. I controlled my breathing after a moment and stifled my cries. Elisa was the love of my life. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I went into my bedroom but I didn’t sleep. I just lay there.
11
I called in sick the next day. I would have loved the distraction but I would see Ethan, who reminded me of Elisa. If I spoke to him, I knew I would break down. I knew my relationship with Elisa was going to be complicated, but after she slept with me, I assumed that we were serious. I told her not to sleep with me unless that’s how she felt. She didn’t even tell me why.
I couldn’t figure it out. I knew it had something to do with her husband. She was making a new family with me, or just replacing the old one with a new figure. In either scenario, she felt guilty about moving on. I understood her pain but I thought we were past this. I really wished she had figured this out sooner before she ripped out my heart and torched it in flames.
The day went by but I didn’t move. I went to the bathroom once but I didn’t drink or eat. I just fell in and out of sleep over and over again. I knew I had to go to work the next day but I really didn’t want to. I just wanted to lie there.
At some point I got up and moved into the living room. I tried to watch television to get my mind off Elisa. Nothing worked. Even when I watched a commercial of an auto repair shop I somehow thought of her. I thought about calling her but I knew I couldn’t. She didn’t want to talk to me. She wanted nothing to do with me. It was the worst pain of my life. When my parents divorced, I was hurt and confused but it was nothing compared to this. Now I felt like I could die.
The sun set over the horizon and left my apartment dark. I didn’t turn on the lights. The only illumination was the glow from the television, which I still wasn’t watching.
There was a knock on the door but I ignored it. It was probably a school girl selling Christmas cookies or some bullshit. The knock sounded again but I didn’t flinch.
“Please open the door.”
I recognized her voice. I was still for a long moment before I rose from the couch. When I reached the door, I looked through the peephole. Elisa was standing on the other side. After a moment of staring, I opened it.
She stared at me with a saddened expression. I wondered how I looked to her—probably dead. I was still wearing the same clothes from the day before. I took off my jacket and tie but the pants and shirt were the same. They were wrinkled and worn. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.
“Hey,” she said as she looked at me.
“Why are you here?” I asked. My voice came out harsher than I meant. “Please don’t check on me. You’re just making this harder for me. I don’t want to see you.”
“I’m sorry about everything,” she blurted. “I take it back.”
I stared at her for a moment. “What?”
“I’m sorry.” Tears started to bubble in her eyes. “I don’t want to lose you, Jared. I was just—emotional last night. I’m so sorry. I want you back. Please don’t go.”
I took a deep breath. “You mean it?”
She wiped a tear away. “Of course I do.”
I grabbed her and squeezed her to my chest. “Thank god.” I buried my face in her neck and let my tears leak. I was so happy that she came back to me. I was shaking.
“I’m sorry.”
“Just forget about it, Ellie.”
She rubbed her fingers through my hair then down my back. “That necklace just scared me, Jared. I’m really moving on. Sometimes I get cold feet. I feel like I’m betraying Tom.”
I pulled away and looked at her. “I’m sorry that I rushed you and tried too hard.”
“It wasn’t you, Jared.”
“Since we slept together, I assumed—”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Next time just ask for your space. Don’t break up with me. It almost killed me, Elisa.”
“Please don’t say that.”
“Okay.”
“Jared, I’m so sorry.”
“You’re forgiven.” I kissed her forehead then guided her into my apartment. I moved her to the couch and just held her in my arms. We said nothing for a long time. I didn’t have anything to say. I was still in shock.
“Come home with me,” she whispered.
I looked at her. “You came here by yourself?”
She nodded.
“In the dark?”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you just call me?”
“I didn’t want to do this over the phone.”
“You could have asked me to come over.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t do it again.” My voice came out cold.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “Let me shower and I’ll take you back.”
“You’ll sleep with me, right?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Okay.”
I showered and changed my clothes before we left.
“Does Ethan know?” I asked when we were in the cab.
She nodded.
“What did he say?”
“That I was just getting scared.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m really sorry for hurting you.”
I hate seeing Elisa in pain. She said she was sorry and I believed her. I grabbed her face and directed her gaze on me. “I forgive you, Elisa. Just forget about it. We’re okay.”
She stared at me for a long time. “Okay.”
When we arrived at the house, the kids were sitting in the living room with Ethan and Sadie. Ethan stared at us for a long moment.
Elisa grabbed my hand. “We’re going to go to bed early.”
Ethan nodded but said nothing.
We walked inside the bedroom and I removed my clothes. Since I hadn’t slept all night, I was exhausted. I stripped down to my boxers then lay in bed. Elisa removed her clothes then lay next to me, kissing my chest and neck. I wasn’t in the mood to fool around so I grabbed her and held her to my chest, just holding her tight. The smell of coconut wafted to my nostrils. I felt better having her next to me. I couldn’t live without her and I tried to forget about that short amount of time when I was forced to. She hurt me so deeply but I didn’t want her to know that. I just wanted to forget about that day. It started off so amazing. I planned to make her birthday perfect but it exploded in my face. When I said I forgave her, I meant it, but remnants of the pain were still there. They would be there for a long time.
12
I left early the next morning and went to the gym. I didn’t feel like spending the day with Elisa and she didn’t ask me to stay. She probably understood that I needed my space. I loved her more than anything and I wanted to be with her but the pain wouldn’t stop. My heart was throbbing.
After I finished my boxing class, I went back to my apartment and showered. I spent the Saturday afternoon lounging around the living room. I made lunch and watched television for a while. After I had some time alone, I was feeling better, not so upset. I wondered if I could see Elisa later. A new kid’s movie was playing at the theatre. We could take the children then go to ice cream afterwards.
When I reached for my phone, it rang. It was Ethan.
“What’s up?” I said.
“Are we meeting at the apartment or the restaurant?”
“What?”
“I called Elisa but she isn’t answering. Sadie and I have been out all day looking at reasonably priced venues to
get married. I’m assuming you’re with her?”
“Uh—no.”
“Oh, we’ll just meet you there, then.”
“And where are we going?”
“Stella’s.”
“For what?”
“Elisa’s birthday party,” he said hesitantly. “You have a bad memory. My family is going to be there. Well, my brothers at least.”
“Oh.” I still had no idea what he was talking about. Elisa hadn’t mentioned anything to me about a birthday party. I don’t know how she forgot about it. “Okay, cool.”
“See you then.”
“Bye.”
As soon as I hung up, I called Elisa. She didn’t answer so I returned the phone to my pocket. It rang a moment later.
“Hello?” I said.
“Hey,” she said happily. “How are you?”
“Good. And you?”
“Good.”
“So, do you have plans today?” I waited to hear her response.
“Uh, I have plans with my brother. We’re going to dinner.”
She was a horrible liar. I could hear it in her voice. “Just you and him?” I asked casually.
“Yeah.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t believe she lied to me.
“You can come over afterwards though.”
“Uh, yeah. Hey, I gotta go.”
“Oh, okay. I’ll see you later.”
I hung up. I didn’t say bye. I tossed the phone on the table and didn’t look at it. She was having a birthday party with her family and she didn’t want me there—her boyfriend. Why not? Why didn’t she want me to meet her brothers? Ethan obviously approved of me. I slept with her every night. The knowledge broke my heart. And to top it off, she lied to me. It would have broken my heart if she told me the truth but this made it a million times worse. I wasn’t just hurt—I was pissed. I felt like she stabbed me through the heart. I thought I actually meant something to her. I thought I was the real deal. Obviously I wasn’t. Our relationship was over. I loved her and I didn’t want anyone else, but I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. She lied to me. I was done.
When evening arrived, I walked down to Stella’s and looked through the window. I searched for a while until I saw them sitting at a table in the center of the room. Becky and Tommy were sitting next to Elisa and they wore party hats. A stack of presents was at the edge of the table. She wasn’t wearing the necklace I got her. The snow fell down around me and landed on the sidewalk. My breath escaped as a heavy fog. I never felt more alone in my life. I couldn’t even talk to my sister because she was sitting at that very table. After I couldn’t stand to watch a moment longer, I turned and walked back to my apartment. Before I walked into the building, I stopped. Instead, I pulled out my phone and pressed the send button.
“Hey, what are you’re doing tonight?” I asked.
“John and I are at McGrath’s,” Alex said.
“I’ll be there in a second.”
“What? You’re coming?”
“Yeah.” I hung up and headed toward the bar a few blocks away. When I arrived, I grabbed a beer from the bar then joined them at the table. “What’s going on?”
Alex clapped me on the shoulder. “Wow. I’m surprised to see you.”
“Yeah.” I took a drink of my beer.
John stared at me. He and I went to college together. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said.
Alex wasn’t buying it. “Something happened with Elisa?”
“No. We just broke up.”
“What? You did?” he asked incredulously.
“Well, not yet. I’ll dump her later.”
Alex’s mouth dropped. “I thought this chick was the love of your life? You were going to marry her?”
“I thought the same thing but shit happens.”
“What did she do?”
“I just don’t want to be with her anymore.”
“Did she cheat on you?” he asked.
I sighed. “First, she dumped after I planned this amazing birthday for her. I took her back in a heartbeat like an idiot. Then she lied to me about a birthday party she was having with her family. I’ve been dating her for months, taking care of her kids, fucking her every night, but she doesn’t want me to meet her family.”
Alex said nothing for a moment. “Wow.”
“Yeah,” John said. “That’s fucked up.”
“Just a little,” I said sarcastically. I finished my beer and desperately needed another.
“Well, it sounds like she was a lot of work anyway,” John said. “A widow with two kids who doesn’t even work. Sounds like nothing but baggage.”
I didn’t respond to his comment. “I need another beer.” I left for the bartender again. “Hey,” I said to him. “Another one of these.” I slid the glass to him.
He stared at me for a moment before he refilled it with the tap. While I waited, I noticed the beautiful brunette sitting next to me. I glanced at her legs then quickly looked away.
“Hey,” she said as she smiled at me. “Is that beer for me?”
“No,” I said quickly. “Get your own.”
“Girls like me don’t have to get anything.”
I laughed then turned to her. “At least you aren’t cocky about it.”
“Not at all,” she said with a smile.
She had brown eyes that matched her locks. She had well-defined breasts and a beautiful skin tone. It was tan but not too dark. I took a drink of my beer while I stared at her. “Well, have a good night.” I turned and walked away.
“Aren’t you going to ask for my number, or are you just playing hard to get?”
I smiled at her. “Thanks, but no thanks.” I turned and walked away but stopped. Elisa wasn’t the right girl for me. She ended our relationship when she broke my heart twice. She didn’t care about me and I shouldn’t care about her. “Actually,” I said as I turned around. “I will take that number.”
“Was that playing hard to get?”
“Did it work?”
“No,” she said as she picked up a pen and scribbled on a napkin. “But you’re cute. That’s what worked.”
I grabbed the napkin and shoved into my pocket. “And what’s your name?” I noticed she didn’t write it down.
“You’ll find out when you call me. It will make it more interesting that way.”
“Do you want to know mine?”
“Not really,” she said with smile. She turned away and started talking to the girl sitting next to her. I walked back to the table with a smile on my face.
Alex’s dropped jaw almost touched the table. “Are you being serious right now?”
“What?” I said as I sat down.
“You just scored a chick? What about Elisa?”
“I didn’t sleep with her—calm down.”
“But aren’t you still with her?”
“She obviously isn’t with me,” I said bitterly. I took another drink of my beer. I was going to need another one soon. I was drinking it like filtered water.
“Damn,” John said. “She fucked you up.”
“Yeah. Good for her.”
Alex said nothing for a moment. “Well, I’m glad you’re back even though you’re miserable.”
“Thanks,” I said with a laugh. “What a sweet thing to say.”
“So when are you going to tell her?”
“Whenever she feels like giving me the time of day,” I snapped.
Alex shook his head. “She’s a bitch. Fuck her.”
I glared at him. “You just crossed a line.”
He held up his hands. “Sorry.”
I dropped my look of hate and looked across the bar.
Alex looked at me. “But she’s obviously stupid. You’re a catch. She’s a widow with two kids. She isn’t going to find a better guy to put up with that.”
I shook my head. “I’m done talking about it.” I finished my glass of beer then stared at it.
“Thirsty?” John asked.
Alex stared at me, seeing my eyelids droop from the alcohol. I just drank two beers in less than five minutes. “Maybe that’s enough for a while.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I snapped.
He fell silent.
I looked around the bar and caught the girl I talked to looking at me. “I’ll see you later.” I rose from the chair.
“Where are you going?” Alex asked.
“Home.”
He rose from the chair. “I’m going to head out too.”
I glared at him. “I don’t need to be walked home like a pussy.” I turned and left the bar.
I walked down the street, passing the cars and the people on the sidewalk. The snow crunched under my feet as I moved. I stuck my hands in my pockets as I walked. The bitter chill was biting my fingers. It stung.
Somehow I ended up at Elisa’s house. I meant to go to my apartment but my buzzed mind and muscled legs had other plans. I stared at the house for a long time. Ethan hung Christmas lights around the window and on the tree in the front yard. There was a sign that said, Santa, come here. I don’t know how long I stood there, but my nose was so cold that I couldn’t feel it. I didn’t know what I was waiting for. I just stood there.
“Jared?”
I turned and saw them walk up the street. Elisa had a surprised look on her face when she approached me. Ethan had Tommy on his shoulders and he held a few birthday bags in his hands. Sadie had Becky and a few gifts as well. I stared at Elisa and ignored the rest of them.
“Jared?” she repeated. She stopped in front of me with a frightened expression. Her eyes were wide with fear. She should be scared.
“Did you have a wonderful birthday?” I snapped. I knew how pissed I looked even though I couldn’t see my expression. “It looks like you did. Look at all these gifts,” I said as I looked at Ethan and Sadie. “What a great night with your family—the people that mean something to you. I guess it wasn’t just you and Ethan, after all.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat as she looked at me. When she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, I knew she was nervous.
That just pissed me off even more. Before I spoke, I looked at Tommy. He was staring at me with a frightened expression. He had never seen me angry before. I had never been that pissed so I knew I was absolutely terrifying.