Sarah looked tentative. “Did she make it for you?”
Brendan nodded, looking down at the box. “Sort of.”
“It doesn’t bother me, you know.”
“What doesn’t?”
“That you loved her.”
Brendan nearly choked on his bite of sandwich.
“I’m just saying–it’s ok.”
Her eyes were strong and sure, her smile gentle and understanding. He’d never known her kind of peace, and it drew him like quicksand. He started to lose his footing, but looking at Tess’s box pulled him back to the edge. What was he holding onto? The past was dead. Tess was dead. And besides, he’d never felt this deeply about Tess. Theirs had been camaraderie–a shared pain that fed itself in the dark places but couldn’t breathe life into the light.
She hesitated as she watched him. “I do need you to know something though.”
“What’s that?”
Brendan wasn’t prepared for what came next.
“I can’t…be with you while you’re still in love with her. My heart’s just not wired that way.”
He stopped chewing altogether and swallowed what was left in his mouth.
“I really like you Brendan, but I don’t want to get in the way.”
“In the way of what?”
“In the way of your journey; your healing.”
Brendan tried to smile, but he didn’t like where this was going. “Someone’s been reading too much of The Alchemist.”
She laughed. “Well, you were right about Fatima. I do like her. But this is me talking. I can see you’re grieving Brendan, and–” She looked at the bruises on his face. “–there’s still a lot I don’t know about you. A lot you’re not willing to share with me yet.”
Tess’ pain was over, but his was still very much alive. It was all so convoluted. She was right. He had no idea where grief ended and attraction began, and he had no business getting involved with her while that was the case.
His mind reeled and twisted on itself, dark images flashing and interspersing with faces–Sarah, Tess, Nate, his father, and back again. “Look, I–”
She put a finger up to his mouth. “Just let me finish.”
Brendan closed his mouth and had to fight against the urge to kiss her again to stop her from talking–to stop her somehow from continuing to state the obvious.
“We’re just not there yet, and I’m ok with just being your friend for a while until you figure it out. Or maybe–” She looked down at the ground. “–Maybe we can’t be friends for a while so you can figure it out.”
“Sarah–”
She looked out away from him. “I’m leaving in a few weeks anyway.”
“What? Where?”
“I’m going to Newfoundland.”
He blinked back his surprise. “Newfoundland?” He said the word as if it were some made-up place that people didn’t actually visit. “Really? As in–Canada?”
“Yes.” She smiled. “As in Canada.”
“Wh–why? What’s up there?”
“My aunt. I’ve been going there every summer for as long as I can remember. She owns a small restaurant in Brigus. I help her out during the summers.”
“But you’ll be back, right?”
Sarah sighed audibly. “You’re graduating Brendan. You’re heading to Europe, and I’m starting to think…that this was a bad idea.” She was holding back tears and his heart just about exploded.
“Stop it. Stop talking like that.”
“Why? You know I’m right, Brendan.”
He pushed the box out of the way and in one deliberate motion moved in toward her. “This isn’t nothing.” He took her face in his hands and kissed her. She struggled momentarily and then relented. He felt her mouth relax and find its rhythm as his kiss intensified. He kept trying to pull her into him so that she wouldn’t let go.
All at once she put her hands up against his chest and pushed him back. “Please stop. I don’t want it like this.”
He was breathing heavily. “Tell me you don’t feel that.”
“Of course I can feel it! I’m not dead, Brendan.” She looked in the direction of Tess’s grave and hesitated. “But if we’re falling over the edge of this thing, I don’t want to fall all by myself and then find out at the bottom that you never let go.”
Her words landed with a deafening thud. Tess couldn’t feel a thing anymore, and yet he was clinging to her as if she was still alive; could still save him from himself.
“Remember I told you about that guy I saw who almost jumped off his balcony?”
He blinked at her. “Yeah.”
“Well, it was the weirdest thing. I woke up in the middle of the night one night from a really strange dream, and I looked out my window. I saw him out there. He was out on the ledge, just like always, but he was laying down, and he started to fall.”
Brendan’s heart stopped momentarily. He leaned forward ever so slightly. “Wh-what happened next?”
She smiled sheepishly. “You’re going to think I’m crazy. Maybe I was still dreaming, I don’t even know.”
Brendan’s jaw twitched but otherwise he made no further movements. He was pinned to grass by the weight of what she was about to say.
“I saw what looked like–I don’t know, angels? They didn’t have wings or anything, they were just floating in the air. But they were huge, like bouncers at a bar or something, with these huge arms.” She motioned with her hands pulled out several inches from her own bicep.
“And?”
She blew her breath out all at once and finished abruptly. “And they picked him up, and put him back on the ledge.”
His eyes started to twitch along with his jaw and he lowered his head, trying to process the information. That couldn’t have been real. He’d convinced himself it was a drug-induced hallucination.
“I told you you’d think I was crazy. You’re laughing at me, aren’t you?”
He looked up, serious, searching her face. “No. I don’t think you’re crazy.”
A bright red that rivaled her jacket had crept into her cheeks. “Well, anyway, whether it was a dream or not I think …I think he just wasn’t ready to fall.”
Brendan’s throat closed off, and he couldn’t have swallowed the blue pill even if one had been offered to him. He was absolutely certain this was one rabbit hole he didn’t want to go down.
Her face was earnest. “You know, like these people who have out of body experiences, and they die but then they come back because it’s not time yet and they still have stuff left to do on the earth?”
He nodded dumbly.
“Well, maybe it just wasn’t his time. And maybe I needed to see that in my dream or whatever, so that I could understand a little better about timing.”
He smiled weakly and tried to push the words through the constriction in his throat. “Sounds logical to me.”
She got up onto her knees and laid her hand across his leg. “Thank you for lunch. It’s been a most interesting date.”
When she leaned over to kiss his cheek, he turned into her mouth instead and kissed her as gently as he knew how. He felt a strange need to protect her; as if he could somehow keep her from breaking.
Her eyes were full and ready to spill over. “I really have to go. Please just let me.” She started to turn away but then stood frozen. “I just want you to know something.”
Brendan looked up without speaking.
“I believe in you.”
Such a simple statement, but it hit him like a train, throwing him back so that he physically had to jolt upright. She walked away and left him sitting there, heart pounding in his chest. When the red of her jacket had faded into the distance he reached into his pocket with shaking hands and pulled out a joint. Laying back on the grass, he looked up at the sky and joined Tess in the clouds.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“Men don’t follow titles. They follow courage.”
- Braveheart
“There you are!”
Nate came up behind Paige and put a hand on her shoulder, then leaned over and kissed her cheek.
She pretended to peruse the menu with interest. “I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.”
“Nonsense. And miss this view?”
“What view? We’re in downtown Manhattan.”
He took the seat across from her. “This view.”
Paige looked up to find him smiling at her. “Oh you’re a smooth one, aren’t you? You think you can just waltz in here late and sweet talk me into forgiving you?”
“No.” He pulled his other hand out from behind his back, producing a small but perfect white rose. “But I was hoping maybe this would push you over the edge.”
She filled her lungs with its delicate fragrance. “Are you going to tell me that you’re late because you stopped to buy me a flower?”
He shook his head, matter of fact. “No. I’m late because I was stuck on a conference call. I had my secretary buy you the flower so that I would have something other than an apology to bring with me.”
“At least you’re honest.” She turned the flower around in her hand. “And Christina did a very nice job. This will be gorgeous when it finally opens up.”
Nate looked at her while she looked at the flower. “Yes, I think it will.”
The waiter came and Nate ordered a sparkling water, then laid the napkin across his lap and sipped the water already on the table. “So, did it work?”
Paige looked up. “Did what work?”
“Am I forgiven?” His eyes were warm and sincere.
“I guess so.” She fiddled with her water glass. “But I’ll have you know I’ve had three marriage proposals since I sat down.”
“I don’t doubt it. You look very beautiful tonight. Did you get your hair cut?”
“Um, yeah–actually I did.”
The waiter slid the bottle and a chilled glass in front of Nate. “Thank you.” He looked back at Paige. “It’s nice. I like what it does for your face.”
She eyed him skeptically. “Do you want something?”
“No, why?”
“I don’t know. You just seem to be in an awfully good mood.”
“I am in a good mood! So, tell me about your day.”
“Well, considering the fact that we’re not on a beach in Barbados right now, I’d say it was a pretty good day. Frank’s been really quiet lately, which is totally uncharacteristic.”
Nate shifted in his seat. His hackles immediately went up. “How so?”
“Well, normally he’s all over me about every little detail, making comments about my wardrobe, stuff like that. I should be done with everything by the middle of next week, so I’m just trying to limit my interactions with him, but I had to talk over a report with him today and it was like he was in another world.”
“Oh yeah?”
“He was highly distracted, and kind of angry. He’s so unpredictable sometimes. It makes me nervous.”
Nate couldn’t help it. Brendan’s face, swollen and discolored, ran through his mind followed by the photo on the LCD screen of his purpled ribs. He started tapping his fingers on the table, totally disengaged from whatever it was she’d said.
“Hello! I’m over here!”
Nate looked over. “Sorry. You were saying?”
“Hey–a minute ago you were feeling great–what changed?”
“I don’t know.” Nate looked down at the table.
Paige put both arms up on the table. “You know, you’re a terrible liar. It’s actually one of the things I like best about you.”
His eyebrows went up. “That’s a strange thing to like about someone.”
“Yeah, but think of it from my perspective” she teased. “Nothing will ever be hidden from me.” Her eyes took on a sultry look. “And considering you’re one of the hotter tickets on the market, I’d say I sleep pretty well at night.”
He blushed, shaking his head. “You’re shameless.”
“I’m just saying, is all.”
He sipped his water and tried to avoid further questioning.
Paige hooked her hands under her chin. “Come on Nate, what gives?”
“You know, my timing kinda sucks sometimes, and I’m not sure it’s is the best time to talk about this.”
“Talk about what? We’re not going to look at the dog poop again, are we?”
He rubbed his temples vigorously with the palms of his hands. “I saw Brendan the other day.”
“Frank’s Brendan?”
“Yeah.”
“How? When?”
“He called me and wanted to meet, so we had a cup of coffee at Starbucks.”
Paige sipped on her water and adjusted her position. “Ok, so?”
“I’m probably going to be working with him on the possibility of a job somewhere down the line.”
“With Brendan. A job? Really? Isn’t he a little young?”
“He’s about to graduate.”
“But he hasn’t been to college yet.”
“I know. We’re working on that.”
“Well, what kind of skills does he have? Aside from rolling joints and scaring the neighbors half to death.”
Nate grinned. “Hey, that was pretty good.”
“Well, you know–I do what I can.” Paige sat back and crossed one leg over the other.
Nate tried to find a way to relay the jist of his conversation with Brendan, but the image of those bruises wouldn’t leave his mind. Brendan had all but asked him to keep it between the two of them. Surely Paige was safe with Frank in the office during business hours.
The real question was whether or not it was worth her trust to withhold that kind of information. Chances were good she’d find out eventually, and with the way things had been going between them, he couldn’t risk another wedge. The last thing in the world she would want was to feel somehow unprepared for that kind of a possibility. He shook his head. Always the skipper; always calculating the odds. Why couldn’t he just have a normal conversation with her?
He gathered the words he needed and tried to bundle them together into some sensible order.
Paige’s forehead crinkled into a mass of lines. “This isn’t good, is it?”
“No, it’s not.” Nate blew all his breath out and then took in a fresh supply. “When Brendan showed up at the coffee shop he was in bad shape.”
“Drugs?”
“Well yeah, that too–but I think I know why he uses so much.”
“Do tell.”
It was so much harder to get the words out than he thought it would be. Even though it was happening to someone else, he couldn’t help feeling shaken. “Frank beat him up, Paige. Black eye, cut on his cheek, and probably some broken ribs.”
Paige blinked back her surprise. “What?!”
“Apparently Frank was drunk at the time but–I know” Nate sighed. “I couldn’t believe it myself until I saw the bruises.” He hesitated, watching her for signs of triggering. “It wasn’t the first time either.”
Paige’s shock turned briefly to skepticism. “Are you sure, Nate? I mean, the kid uses drugs. He could have gotten in a fight with anyone. He could be playing on your sympathies.”
Nate shook his head. “No. I’m sure. I’ve had some pretty deep conversations with Brendan over the last few weeks. I don’t think he’s playing me.” He sighed again. “I know he’s not Paige. This is real, and I didn’t want to freak you out, but I thought you should know.”
“That can’t be. I mean, Frank’s a lot of things but surely he’s not capable of–”
He let the information sink in. As understanding dawned, Paige began to tremble, ever so slightly. Nate grabbed her hands to steady her. “Paige, look at me.”
Her eyes went everywhere but his. “With all of his sexual innuendo if he has a violent side too then…I can’t believe this. I went to Switzerland with him. He could have…I don’t know–I don’t–”
He watched her head jerk forward. She clamped a hand over her mouth and
bolted for the ladies room.
For a full ten minutes Nate paced outside the entrance to the women’s bathroom. He tried to concentrate on letting the blood flow so he didn’t lose all the feeling in his fingers. An older woman finally came out but still there was no sign of Paige.
She smiled sympathetically. “Is that your wife in there?”
Her assumption caught him off guard. He must have had that deer-in-the-headlights look.
She grabbed one of his hands and patted it. “Don’t worry dear–the morning sickness only lasts a few weeks. She’ll be right as rain before you know it.”
“Thanks.” It wasn’t worth explaining.
She let go of his hands and started toward the exit.
“Wait! Was there anyone else in there?”
“I don’t think so dear. I was the last one out besides your wife.” She hunched up her shoulders and whispered loudly. “Oh go ahead! I don’t think anyone would mind!”
She barely had the words out before Nate flung open the door to the ladies room and stepped inside. All the stall doors were open except for one, and when he dipped his head he could see Paige sitting on the floor.
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
He swallowed, squatting down in front of the door. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you.”
“Yes, you should have! You can’t protect me from the world Nate!”
“Look at you! How can you say that?”
She opened the door, took a deep, exasperated breath and blew it out at him, hooking her arms around her knees. “Just because I react to the things I’ve been through, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be allowed to go through them – or even talk about them.”
Nate put his hands together between his knees and dropped his head down. “Every time this happens I get so scared. You go places I can’t follow, and I never know when or even if you’re going to come back to me. The psychiatrist said we should keep triggers to a minimum. It can’t be healthy for you to–”
“I know what the psychiatrist said.” She grabbed hold of his forearms, pulling herself onto her knees until she was forehead to forehead with him. His body began to shake and for once she was the comforter–a strange sort of role reversal, given the circumstances.
Letters From The Ledge Page 25