“But remembering and reacting are part of the process. Sometimes it’s sudden and out of the blue–like a veteran that still has nightmares years after the war. Sometimes it’s triggered. I just have to deal with it.” Paige started to cry. “I know it hasn’t been easy living with me, and I’m sorry.”
He tried shaking his head but Paige grabbed his face in her hands and stilled it. “Don’t deny it, and don’t gloss over it as if it’s nothing. I watch what it does to you, and it’s so hard sometimes–knowing that I can’t be everything you want me to be.”
Nate lifted his eyes to meet hers, and for once he didn’t try to argue or steer, and something crumbled inside.
Tears spilled over onto her cheeks. “Thank you for sticking by me.” She leaned back and looked up at the ceiling. “Honestly? I never thought you would.”
“I can’t help it.” He brushed the hair back away from her face. “I couldn’t leave you if I tried. I love you Paige.”
Her eyes softened and a smile kissed the corners of her mouth. For once he’d gotten the timing just right.
__________
On Saturday morning, nine a.m. came and went and Brendan didn’t show. Nate ended up apologizing to Jeremy and then heading back to his office. When he fired up his computer there was an email from Brendan, saying he’d be late and could he show up at nine-thirty instead. In his defense he’d sent it at one a.m. so he had given notice, Nate just hadn’t checked his email yet. Jeremy would be there most of the morning so Nate decided to just wait it out.
At nine twenty-eight Brendan walked in the door. With no Christina to stop him, he headed straight for Nate’s office, past a curious Jeremy.
“Good morning Brendan.”
“Did you get my email?”
“Just.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“So what held you up, if you don’t mind me asking? I mean, you obviously knew in the middle of the night that you’d be later than planned.”
“I had to go to the bank. They didn’t open until nine and they close at one on Saturdays. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be here this morning. I hope it wasn’t a problem?”
Nate couldn’t figure out why he was so agitated. It was a Saturday, for goodness sake, and it wasn’t like he was paying Brendan to be there. “It’s fine, Brendan. Come on–I’ll introduce you to Jeremy.”
“Oh–wait! I’ve got something for you.” Brendan slid a messenger bag off his shoulder and opened it up. “I finished a bunch more stuff. I wanted you to see it.” He grinned sheepishly. “In fact, I decided to try out a few ideas on how I’d refocus my dad’s company’s image, just for fun, because I know that’s the kind of thing you do here. It’s the only business I currently have a little bit of firsthand knowledge of, so I put some ideas in there that I’ve been working on. To show you what I can do, you know.”
Nate took the folder and set it on his desk. “Thanks. I’ll take a look at it.”
Brendan looked disappointed but followed Nate out to where Jeremy was working. Since Jeremy had already been briefed on Brendan’s visit, there wasn’t much to do except leave them alone to get acquainted.
Nate went back to his office and shut the door. The wall of glass provided a nice view of their interactions, but shutting the door indicated a nice balance between trust and oversight.
He pressed the button on the espresso maker and waited while it dripped out an Americano, then sat down and flipped open the folder. Brendan’s work was brilliant for an eighteen-year old kid with no formal training. His eye for page design and image placement was nearly perfect, and some of his ideas for a makeover of Frank’s image were things even Nate hadn’t considered.
He sat sipping his coffee and marveling at the kid’s talent. Brendan and Jeremy appeared to be totally engaged in one another’s processes. Brendan’s eyes were bright and clear. In fact, Nate noticed for the first time that Brendan was dressed in a nicely ironed, plaid button-down shirt, clean jeans without holes, and he’d ditched the Converse in favor of what looked like a nice pair of leather shoes. His hair was short and the piercings were gone–at least for today.
Around eleven Nate slipped out to let them know he’d ordered in some lunch. When Brendan excused himself to use the bathroom, Nate turned to Jeremy.
“So, what do you think?”
“Of Brendan? He’s great.”
“He sure seems to be enjoying himself, which is always a plus in my book.”
“Yeah. He’s really passionate, and he showed me some of the photos he’s taken. He’s got a real gift for photography.”
“Hard copies?”
“No, but he’s got a gallery online. Said he’s sold a couple of shots to magazines and is hoping to continue freelancing while he’s in Europe this summer.”
“Send me that link, would you?”
“Sure thing, boss.” Jeremy laughed and turned in his chair. A few clicks later he turned back.
“Thanks.” Nate was watching the bathroom. “You like him, don’t you?”
It didn’t take Jeremy long to answer. “Well, yeah. He’s funny and talented and he seems to love this stuff. What’s not to like?”
“I knew you’d be the right person to train him, Jeremy. You’re secure enough in your own abilities not to be threatened by other people with talent. I have a lot of respect for that.”
Jeremy nodded his mutual respect. “Wait. Train him? Are you hiring him? I thought this was a high school, job shadow type of thing.”
“It is.”
“But…you’re looking with eyes toward the future?”
“Always.” Nate stood up just as Brendan got back. “I’m going to let you two get back to work. Lunch will be here in about a half hour.” He slapped Brendan playfully on the shoulder and inclined his head toward Jeremy. “Don’t fry his brain, ok? I need this one alive after you leave.”
Brendan looked surprised. “Me!? I’m the one taking a sip of water from a fire hose over here!”
But Nate was already halfway to his office and he didn’t look back. Sitting back at his desk, his thoughts continued to churn. He picked up the phone and dialed his father’s cell.
“Nathan! How’s my favorite son?”
Nate took a deep breath and let it out as he talked. “Great dad. Where are you at? Sounds like the club.”
“You always did have good ears. But I’m not in the city. We’re in Connecticut. Your mother and I came out for the day to visit some friends and play a round of golf. Would you like to join us for dinner?”
“I’m afraid I can’t make that tonight dad, but I do have some things I need to discuss with you. How’s Monday morning?”
“Are you alright Nathan?”
“Fine dad. It’s just business.”
“Well then, if it’s business I’ll make the time. Why don’t you come by the house? I’m sure your mother would love to see you. We can have breakfast together–that will make her happy, and then you and I can have our business meeting in the library.”
“Fine. I’ll see you Monday. Eight-thirty, right?”
“You remembered the time. Impressive!”
“Like Daria would ever let me forget? The woman is a stickler for mealtimes. She’s worse than mom!”
“Ah yes, but she does make the best Belgian waffles, doesn’t she?” His father chuckled.
“When are you going to let that old woman retire?”
He laughed again. “All she has to do is ask. She likes me, what can I say?”
“I’ll see you Monday dad.”
“See you then.”
Nate hung up the phone and spun his chair toward the view. As much as he hated it, it was game time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
“My boy’s wicked smart.”
- Good Will Hunting
At twelve-thirty, Jeremy brought Brendan back to Nate’s office. “I think we’ve both had enough for one day.”
Brendan shook Jeremy’s hand. “Thanks for your time, man. I really appreciat
e it.”
“No problem.” The young man looked at Nate. “I’m outta here.”
Nate nodded. “Thanks Jeremy. See you next week.” He gestured to the chair across from his. “Sit down, Brendan.”
Brendan did as he was told, but Nate didn’t say anything at first. He walked around the side of his desk and fired up the espresso maker. “Americano?”
Brendan nodded. “Sure. Thanks.” He sat looking at the front page of the newspaper that was sprawled across Nate’s desk.
“You read The Journal?”
Brendan looked up. “Huh?”
“The Wall Street Journal. Do you read it?”
“Um–no. But my dad does. It’s like a religion or something.”
“It can be for some people.”
Brendan took the drink Nate offered. “My father has seen fit to fund my trip to Europe this summer.”
“How’d that happen?”
“He’s a business man. He’s playing the odds.”
“And the odds are…”
“That I’ll get whatever it is out of my system and start Wharton in the fall like he planned.”
“Did he say all that?”
“He didn’t have to. The note said it all.”
“The note?”
“The ‘Here’s five thousand dollars, I can’t make it to graduation because I’ll be out of town, see you when you’re packing for Wharton’ note.”
“Guilt money.”
Brendan sighed. “Most likely. But I’m not complaining.”
“Well, a smart man never looks a gift horse in the mouth.”
Brendan didn’t say anything.
“So that’s it? You’re out of here?”
“Maybe.”
“I’m not sure I’m following you. Did you change your mind?”
Brendan started fidgeting, shifting in his chair. He bit his lip and took a deep breath. “The things you had me do–on the tutorial. You know, when I was learning those programs?”
“Yes?”
“And all of this, today?” He pointed to the desk he and Jeremy had just vacated, then leaned forward, resting his forearms on top of his thighs. “It’s what I was made for.”
Nate could see the intensity rimming Brendan’s eyes, which were otherwise clear. “How long have you been clean?”
“I’m working on it.”
“How long, Brendan?”
“Not quite a week, if you don’t count the withdrawals. I’m not there yet, but I’m trying really hard.”
“Who’s helping you?”
“You are.”
Nate shook his head. “Brendan, I applaud your efforts, but–”
“I’ve been working on the stuff I’ve been creating–that stuff I handed you this morning.”
Nate took the folder and fanned the pages. “This is your rehab? This is your methadone?”
“I’ve never done heroin.”
“It’s just an expression.”
“Listen, this works for me. It’s how I started escaping a long time ago, before the drugs, and it still works for me.”
Nate eyed him suspiciously. “I don’t doubt the possibility, but the probability of long term success? You’re just replacing one addiction with another. That’s not dealing with the roots of the issues Bren.”
Brendan’s jaw tightened as he slid to the edge of his chair. “I can’t deal with the roots until I have a way out! I have to get out of there and right now I only have two options–three if you count jumping.” He got up and started to pace around Nate’s office. “One, I disappear in Europe. Two, I become part of the pavement, and three, I become part of your team.”
“Who’s to say if you go to Europe you won’t end up in Amsterdam actually doing heroin?”
“There is that chance.” Brendan admitted. “Especially if I don’t have anything to come home to.”
The weight of it rested firmly on Nate and he took a minute to consider the implications. It was no small task, given the complications with Paige’s situation. “What’s your father going to say when he finds out you’re spitting in the face of Wharton?”
“If I can make enough money to live on my own, I won’t have to care, will I? There are plenty of people running around this world who have a crappy relationship with their parents. I’ll just join the club. It’s got a growing membership, I hear.”
Nate considered that. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Why not go to U Penn for graphics and design, Computer Science–something!”
“He already told me he’s not paying Ivy League money for a sissy profession.”
“A what?!”
“What you do. It’s a sissy profession. His words, not mine.”
Nate sat fuming.
Brendan laughed. “I almost forgot. Here–I brought you something.” He pulled a neon green tennis ball out of his messenger bag and set it on Nate’s desk.
“Apple for the teacher?”
Brendan stuck his arm out and made a tight fist, then tapped the inside of his elbow a few times. “Methadone.”
Nate looked down at the veins popping out of his forearm and nodded. “Touché.”
“Look, Nate, the bottom line is, I’d rather work full time and take night classes at NYU than have to put up with his bullshit for the next four years. I will get my degree, but it’ll be on my terms, no matter how long it takes me. Maybe I can find an internship that will help pay for part of my classes? I don’t know yet, but graduation is less than two weeks away and my ticket to London leaves right after that. What I need to know is if there’s something worth coming back for.”
“So Europe is still part of the plan?”
“To travel and take pictures, yes. Might be the last chance I get to travel on someone else’s dime.” Brendan broke into a grin. “I’ve sold two of my pictures to small, relatively insignificant magazines, but it’s a start. I’m going to be backpacking and hiking and riding trains most of the way to save money. Besides, I want to photograph places that are off the beaten path.” He pulled a business card out of his pocket that had his name and a web address on it.
“Nice logo.”
“Thanks. I designed it myself.”
“Photography, huh?”
“I set up a website to market my photographs, and while I’m in Europe I plan on stockpiling a few thousand pictures on an external hard drive. Once I’ve played with them I’ll try to market them. Or, you and I could negotiate for copyright so maybe we could incorporate some of them into design templates.” He smiled. “You never know.”
“Backpacking with a laptop and an external hard drive. Not your usual combination.”
“True, but I think it’ll work. Electricity is relatively free and Europe has an awful lot of free Wi-Fi.”
“Sounds like you’ve done your research. So it’s a trip designed to get you working?”
“It’s a trip that’s designed to put some distance between me and this lifestyle.” Brendan added. “Staying away from the bigger cities can only help.”
Nate put his hands up. “Hey, I get it, and I applaud your efforts. Perspective is everything. What about your girl?”
“On hold.”
“Your call or hers?”
“Hers. Mostly.”
“Mind if I ask why?”
Brendan leaned back in the chair and looked out the window. He began by clearing his throat. “I used to have a friend, Tessa. More than a friend, really, but we never declared anything.” He shifted again in his chair. “Hell, it may not have even worked between us, but now I’ll never know, because–”
Brendan looked up at Nate. The words wouldn’t come out.
“She jumped?”
Brendan’s eyebrows went up.
Nate looked down at the desk. “Lucky guess.”
Brendan was silent.
“So you’re not quite over her, and it’s hard to tell whether or not you’re trading a loss for a gain?”
Brend
an swallowed. “Yeah.”
“This other girl–what’s her name?”
“Sarah.”
“And Sarah–she knows all about Tessa?”
He nodded. “Yeah. She knows. Not everything, but enough.”
“And she’s the one putting the brakes on?”
“Yes. No–I don’t know. I mean, if she hadn’t, I probably would have anyway. It’s not fair to her, you know?”
Nate could see the struggle in the way Brendan held his whole body in tension. “You’re a good man, Brendan.”
Brendan was shaking his head, trying to will back the tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “And how do you figure that?”
“A lesser man would just use the new girl to massage his pain away. You have too much respect for Sarah to do that. My guess is, you really do care about her, you’re just scared.”
Brendan’s eyes shot over toward Nate, but he didn’t deny it.
“We all get scared. And if you ask me, it’s ok to spend some time figuring yourself out before you ask her to ride the roller coaster with you. You’re doing the right thing.” The boy nodded. “And your photography and the poems–is that all about her? The one who’s gone?”
“Mostly.”
“I underestimated you Brendan, and I’m sorry.”
“What?”
Nate leaned his arms on the desk and folded his hands in front of them. “You’ve seen and lived with an awful lot of pain for an eighteen year old, but it seems like you’ve done the best you could to cope with things–trying to bring beauty from the ashes, so to speak. That’s why your photos are so powerful. They have passion behind them. They carry your message.”
“You can see all that in a photograph?”
“I can see all that in your eyes.”
Brendan sat blinking back tears.
“Testing always comes before promotion, Brendan. Everything in you has been tested, and you’re just starting to come through the fire.”
“A promotion? Already? You shouldn’t have.” Brendan shook his head, trying to make a joke, but his voice broke in the middle of it.
Letters From The Ledge Page 26