Finding Forever

by Christina C Jones

  A painful tightness gripped my throat as I clenched my hands into fists in my lap. “So… all of that stuff you were saying to try to convince me not to give up on love… what was that? Just platitudes? You didn’t believe any of that shit, did you? You were saying what a ‘good friend’ would say, anything to make poor, lonely, can’t-seem-to-get-it-right Tori feel better, huh?”

  “Tori… you know I’m looking out for you.”

  I sucked my teeth. “Well how about you try not doing that, huh? Because what we’re not going to do is act like you have it all together, as if you’re the queen of great decisions. Oh, and let’s not forget I introduced you to your husband!” I hissed across the table, trying my best to keep my voice down and not make a scene in the restaurant. “Des, you were in the same damn boat I am, whining about how you couldn’t find a good man, but refusing to— wait a minute, is that why you would never let me set you up with anyone? You encouraged me to start my business, but didn’t trust me to do it for you.”

  “It wasn’t li—”

  “Save it, Des,” I interrupted, pushing my chair back from the table. “I’m gonna go drown my helpless, lonely sorrows at the bar. Don’t follow me.” Ignoring the open-mouthed stares of my dinner companions, I walked away, purse in hand as I made my way through the crowded restaurant.

  As soon as I sat down at the bar, I ordered a margarita. Maybe a little inebriation would bring about some much needed clarity, because I was confused as hell. I had been a little withdrawn from Des lately, and on the surface, I’d thought it was my guilt from what had occurred between Avery and me. I didn’t like keeping secrets from Des, but I realized now that keeping it to myself wasn’t just because Avery was her brother. I just didn’t want to hear Des’ mouth about it.

  Des had been my friend for years, and I still considered her one, but she was being more and more vocal in her criticisms since she started dating Drew. Once they were engaged, it got worse, and now that she was married, the only time she wasn’t talking about her family or herself was when she had a ‘suggestion’ to make. Frankly, it was getting tiresome. She was getting tiresome, but I knew she was going through a lot of big changes at once, finding out she was going to have a baby just a few weeks after her wedding. Therefore, I tried to give her a little leeway, but tonight, she had gone too far. I didn’t need her protection, and I wasn’t a charity case. Going off on her brother on my behalf? Unnecessary, and rude.

  This was definitely not turning out to be a good last night in Chicago, yet another parallel with the trip to the Maldives. When the waiter delivered my drink, I took a sip, hoping the cold, icy texture would sooth my residual anger, but the way I was feeling… I needed at least three more.

  Thirty minutes later, I was still on the first one when I heard a familiar voice behind me. “You’re not gonna need a designated driver are you now Ms. Kennedy?”

  With my guard significantly lowered by the tequila, I grinned up at Avery as he slipped onto the empty barstool beside me. “If all goes according to plan, I might. Are you volunteering?”

  “If the need arises, but I hope you’re not gonna let my crazy ass sister drive you to drink.”

  I shrugged. “Not just her… but, I’m joking anyway. That was the plan when I sat down, but now that I’m talking about it, it seems silly. Did they send you over here to get me?”

  “Kind of. After the uh… incident, everybody decided it was best to call it a night. Des wanted to talk to you, but we— collectively— convinced her it wasn’t a good idea. I did promise to make sure you got back to your hotel safely though, so here I am.”

  “What are you, my personal security now?” I asked, playfully bumping his shoulder with mine. “Why is everybody so concerned with my protection? Do I seem that fragile?”

  “To me? No. But to Des… well, you’ll have to talk to her about that.”

  A slight twinge of guilt pricked me as I thought back to the interaction between Avery and Desiree. “Hey… I know it’s probably not worth much, but I’m sorry about that stuff Des was saying.”

  Avery chuckled, waving away my words as he motioned for the bartender. “I’m not too messed up about that. Des and I will be fine again in no time. The two of you, on the other hand… I’m guessing it’s the first time you’ve ever had a falling out?”

  I pressed my lips together in a tight smile as I nodded. “I think it’s been brewing for a while though.

  He placed his drink order, then turned to me before he continued. “Des, by nature, is the nurturing type. That’s why people love her, you know? She’ll give her heart, with no reservations, but in exchange,… she wants to mother you. With Deidra, she can let that controlling flag fly. Dei is my cousin and I love her, but she’s a doormat, and she rolls with whatever Des wants. You, one the other hand… you’re a challenge. You’re not one to be forced to do anything, so she couldn’t ‘protect’ you. After you didn’t listen to her about your ex-husband, she was in super-protective mode, so she went full force at whatever threat she saw — me.”

  I frowned at what he was telling me. How could he say that so casually, with what appeared to be a hint of a smirk on his face? “But you’re her brother, Avery. How did I end up ahead of you in the hierarchy?”

  “I don’t think that’s the case… I’m sure we’re probably even,” he said, laughing as the bartender delivered his drink. “Des considers you a sister… and she wants me to as well, but, ah… that would be difficult, considering…”

  “… Considering you ‘know’ me in some pretty un-sisterly ways.”

  “Right.” He took a sip from his drink before turning back to me, capturing me with the warmth of his eyes. “Listen… try not to be too mad at Des, okay? She was doing what a friend is supposed to do, trying to protect you.”

  “From you.”

  He nodded. “From me. But… you do a pretty good job on your own.”

  “Well, Des did warn me about you beforehand,” I laughed. “But , now that I’ve gotten to know you a little more… I don’t think you’re as bad as she said.”

  Avery shook his head. “I’m not, but… several years ago, I had a… situation with one of her friends. We had an arrangement, and a month into it, she wanted to renegotiate terms. I wasn’t with it, so she turned to Des, presumably to ‘get me in line’. I still don’t know what that girl said to my sister, but since then, when it comes to my dealings with women, she assumes the worst. At the time, I mean… I was a young guy, business was doing well, so I had a little money in my pockets. I had women throwing it at me, so hell, I caught some of it,” he laughed. “Des hated that I wouldn’t settle down, and then when I did, with Natalie, she was cool for a while, even though she didn’t like her. When the Natalie thing fell apart, I went back to doing what I was doing before— making arrangements— and she went right back to hating it.”

  “So what changed?” I asked, resting my elbows on the bar. “What made you decide you were ready to settle down again, and stop ‘making arrangements’?”

  Avery chuckled. “Des made me decide. I mean, if it takes settling down to convince her I’m not a bad influence…. I guess that’s what I’m gonna try to do.”

  “That’s bullshit, and you know it. Give me the real deal. This isn’t just about proving something to Des.”

  He stared at me for a moment, with an intensity in his eyes that almost made me lose my breath, before he dropped his gaze back to his drink. “Okay… it’s not about proving anything to Des… it’s about proving it to myself. I loved somebody once, thought she was gonna be my wife, and have my kids… all of that.” He glanced up at me with a dry smile. “I need a do-over, and I think your service can facilitate that, while helping me make sure I don’t get screwed over again… I don’t think I could handle that.”

  A fresh wave of guilt swept over me as he carefully avoided my eyes by taking another long drag from his Jameson. Avery was — inadvertently, I was sure — laying out his vulnerabilities to me, and he was depen
ding on me to help him through it.

  “Avery… again, I’m sorry about things not going as anticipated. I’m sure we—”

  “Tori, stop. I’m not concerned about that, and you shouldn’t be either. I told you, I trust you to make it happen.” His vote of confidence brought a bit of relief, but he wasn’t done. He turned on his stool so he was fully facing me, and brushed my hair out of my face, allowing the hand to linger at the base of my neck, sending a pleasant hum of electricity from every place our skin met. “Although… I don’t understand why we can’t just—”

  “Avery….”

  He blew out a heavy sigh as he removed his hand. “I know, I know. Science, and algorithms, I remember.”

  I averted my eyes, feeling guilty, again, about misleading him. I hated lying, but just like I was keeping our previous antics a secret from Des, I didn’t feel like it would be wise for Avery to know the ‘science and algorithms’, as he put it, did match up. What would it accomplish?

  “Come dance with me.”

  Lifting an eyebrow, I turned back to Avery as he was stepping away from his seat. “Dance with you?”

  “Are you a parrot?” He laughed at the scowl that crossed my face, using my moment of annoyance to catch me off guard by slipping an arm around my waist and pulling me off my barstool. “You owe me a little grinding, remember?”

  “Oh no, I don’t owe you, excuse you! Besides, these shoes are not meant for dancing,” I argued, directing his attention to the four-inch heels I’d chosen to complete my outfit.

  He stepped closer as he gazed down at me. “Just a few songs?”

  It struck me, quite suddenly, that even in my heels, Avery was still tall enough to have to look down at me, wearing the hell out of salmon-colored button up and a tan blazer. He looked good, as always, and he smelled good, as always, and — to my annoyance— he felt good, as always, from his large hands resting at my waist, to the heat radiating from his body, which was almost touching mine.

  “Yes.”

  Wait, What?

  Ignoring the nagging voice saying “Tori, this is another bad decision”, I allowed Avery to lead me to the restaurant’s surprisingly crowded dance floor. Ignoring everything except the beat of the awful popular hip-hop song, I began dancing, not minding when Avery pulled me closer to his body as I rolled my hips. I laughed and danced with him through song after song, as the music got slower and more suggestive until finally, one was queued up that made me cringe. Not because I didn’t like it — quite the opposite— it was one I kept on a very specific playlist, that wasn’t getting much use these days. The lyrics, paired with the singers voice, the instrumentation and the beautiful harmonies were, for me, the musical equivalent of mind-blowing sex, and I did not want to dance with Avery to this song. Why the hell was the DJ playing this anyway? Was he trying to get people pregnant?

  I tried to pull away, but Avery drew me closer, leaning down to mumble against my ear, “Last one, then we can go.”

  Letting out a quiet whimper, I resigned myself to the fact I was just going to be going to sleep hot and bothered— but that didn’t mean I had to suffer alone. I pushed aside any inhibitions and turned to face him, looking him right in his eyes as I threw my arms around his neck, then began slow grinding against him to the beat. That… was a bad idea. A very bad idea. Avery didn’t shy away from my gaze. Instead, he met it with lust-filled eyes of his own as he moved with me. I looked away first, overwhelmed by the amount of heat flushing through me. I felt his erection growing against me, and this time that little voice started telling me “Girl, run!”

  I didn’t. I marinated in the heady little cocoon of arousal created by his arms around me, his hands unabashedly gripping my butt to pull me closer to his groin, and the leathery, masculine scent of his cologne. By the time the song began winding down, I knew I needed to get the hell away from him before I did something I would regret.

  Or… would I?

  “Tori, did you hear me?”

  The song was over, and his mouth was so close to my ear that his lips brushed against me, sending a pleasant tingling sensation straight to the juncture of my thighs.

  “Hmm?”

  “I was asking what hotel you were in… it’s pretty late, I should get you back.”

  “Oh! Uh, the Thompson.”

  He nodded in recognition. “That’s pretty close by… you feel like walking?”

  “Yes!” The hint of cool in the early fall air was probably exactly what I needed.

  Avery led me out of the restaurant, possessively draping his arm around my shoulders as we stepped onto the crowded sidewalk. It felt so natural to slip my arm under his blazer to rest at his waist it made my heart ache. I never felt this connected — without saying a single word— to Rafael, even though we were matched. The gut feeling I relied on so heavily for my clients had never presented itself with him, but I’d gone in full force anyway, relying on our on-paper match and sexual chemistry to do the job. The only things I’d gained were a failed marriage and a keen determination to never freely offer my heart again— even to a man who made me feel the things Avery did.

  Avery was in the same emotional place I’d been when I met Rafael. Willing, and desperately wanting to give it one last chance before hanging up his gloves, and giving up the fight. It made me angry to think of him getting to the point where I was now: lonely, but hopeless, unwilling to take a step deeper into the quicksand— even if it meant the difference between being rescued or certain death — because I was afraid of the aftermath if it failed. I didn’t want him to know this feeling.

  We spent the short walk to the hotel in silence, each absorbed in our thoughts, but as we approached the door to my room, the thought of going in alone to deal with the same torrent of emotions I’d been dealing with before dinner — and now the blowup with Des — made me lightheaded.

  “Hey, you wanna join me for one last drink?” I pressed my back against the door, looking at him as I felt in my purse for my keycard.

  “Depends on the selection.”

  “Well, I have wine… and whatever’s in the mini bar.”

  Avery chuckled. “Wow, you’d dip into the mini bar to accommodate me? I can’t say no to that.”

  An hour later, we were perched on the couch in the sitting area of my room, drinking wine straight from the bottle. More accurately, we were close to finishing a freshly opened bottle, and the warm buzz of inebriation was starting to settle over both of us. I’d discovered yet another thing Avery and I had in common — we were goofy drunks. Well, neither of us was exactly drunk on one shared bottle of wine, but we were undeniably tipsy, and everything was a little funnier because we were.

  “Wanna know something?” I asked him, sliding my bare feet into his lap. We had long ago stripped off shoes and jackets.

  “Hell no.” Avery’s eyelids drooped low as he grinned, a result of the alcohol and the late hour. “Is this about to be another crazy story about the shit you used to get into with Des?”

  “No… maybe. Yes. Okay, I won’t tell you that one then. You probably don’t want to hear very much about your sister’s sexual adventures, huh?”

  “I’d rather not,” he said, laughing as he took the now empty wine bottle from my hand and sat it on the floor.

  “Ok then… I’ll tell you something else. Truth moment.”

  “I’m listening.”

  I pulled my feet out his lap, tucking them under me as I sat up and faced him. “Earlier… when you said you didn’t know if you could handle getting hurt again by someone you loved… I admire that. Everybody acts as if heartbroken people are supposed to just get up and keep trying, no matter what. Nobody wants to admit that sometimes you just don’t recover from it.”

  “You’re suggesting some broken hearts don’t heal?”

  Nodding, I rested my head against the back cushions of the couch, but kept my body turned in his direction. “I think some of us are only getting by. And it’s not necessarily one single breakup that do
es it, but the build up, over time. All of the mistakes, regrets, the lies, and harsh words… the betrayals… all of that shit adds up, until it’s like… why?”

  “That’s your ‘truth’?” he asked, staring at me in a way that made me feel entirely too exposed, so I dropped my gaze first.

  “Yeah, it is.”

  He brushed away the hair that had fallen into my eyes. “You wanna hear mine?”

  I nodded again, but didn’t move away from his touch as buried his hand in the curls at the nape of my neck.

  “You asked me earlier, what made me change my mind about wanting to settle down.”

  I looked up. “Yeah… you said you wanted to prove you actually could have a wife, kids, all of that.”

  “Okay… I see you were listening,” he said, smiling. “But… that’s not completely true. Well, it is true, it’s just not the whole truth.”

  “So what’s the whole truth then?”

  He sighed, dropping his eyes to the couch. “I was lonely. I mean… physically, I was with someone, but if you don’t feel anything for them, are they really there? What’s the point, you know? Shit was getting old. No, it was old. Then….I met you, at Des’ wedding. I’m not going to attempt to front about the fact that initially, I wanted to sleep with you. Then I talked to you, and got to know you, and … I felt something. I still feel it.”

  His fingers were grazing my scalp, causing a pleasant tingle, and I swallowed, hard as he continued. “You’re sending me on these dates with all of these women who are gorgeous, and successful, and supposedly everything I need, but I don’t feel anything for them, not like with you. It’s the same emptiness from before, and honestly… it’s draining. I wanna feel something again… you know?”

  I gave him a slight nod. I knew exactly what he meant, because the same unanswered need was coursing through me as well. In that moment, none of the reasons I had not to be with Avery made a lot of sense. What I wanted sounded exactly like what Avery wanted.