Sisters of the Heart - 03 - Forgiven

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Sam’s eyes widened. “Cute? Well, hmm. Yes, I suppose it is.”

  As usual the charming town was bustling and busy. All around them, shoppers and tourists were chatting, eating waffle cones, carting boxes of fresh Amish baked goods, and talking on cell phones.

  Though no one was rude enough to try and photograph her, Winnie was particularly aware of her dress and how obvious their differences were as she and Sam sat side by side.

  Since he was saying nothing, she murmured, “I, um, I’m sorry if I seemed discourteous when you first entered. I was just surprised, is all.”

  “No, I should’ve warned you that I was thinking about stopping by.”

  Remembering his hurt expression about passing up lunch, she said, “And lunch—going out to lunch would be mighty nice. Another time.”

  “Yes. Maybe another time.”

  He sounded so doubtful; she did her best to be encouraging. “If you’re out this way again, lunch would be a treat. If…If you’d still care to um, eat.”

  “I imagine I’ll want to eat lunch another day.”

  Now that she finally saw his smile and heard his humor, Winnie relaxed. “Tell me a story from your week, Sam. I want to get back to how we used to be. I don’t care much for this stilted, strained conversation.”

  “Gladly. Would you like to hear about my parents’ latest letter? It seems that my grandparents’ health has really improved. They’ll be starting home before too long.”

  Relaxing against the back of the bench, Winnie nodded. “I’d love to hear about your family, Samuel.”

  And so, Sam talked. Winnie listened, but also daydreamed at the same time. And, against her better instincts, she wondered what a future by his side could be like. If it was even possible.

  Because at the moment, Winnie didn’t know if she’d ever felt happier than she did right then—sitting in the sun with a broken foot, all while talking about families and work and nothing at all.

  Perhaps God really did answer prayers.

  Chapter 13

  Caleb kicked the milk pail. As his thick-soled boot hit the metal brim, fresh milk splattered everywhere, speckling the packed earth underfoot and the sides of the thick fencing with white dots.

  For one startling moment, the three Miller brothers stared in disbelief at the terrible mess.

  “I didn’t mean to do that,” Caleb said.

  “I’m sure you did,” Sam replied. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have launched your foot at the pail.” Looking their little brother up and down, he added, “I sure am glad I came out here this weekend to help some more. Eli shouldn’t have to deal with your tantrums on his own.”

  “I am not having a tantrum.”

  “You are certainly not doing anything good. I have to tell ya, Caleb, I expected more from you.”

  Caleb puffed up a bit, definitely in a huff. “Well, I expected to be trusted.”

  “We don’t always get what we want, now, do we?” Looking as mad as a hornet, Eli pointed to the milky mess. “You’re going to have to clean every bit of this up, and sanitize the bucket, too. We don’t have time for such dumhayda, such foolishness. We have work to do, don’t you remember?”

  Scowling, Caleb said, “Of course, I remember. All I ever do is chores. It’s you two who seem to find time for other things.”

  Sam had had enough of the tantrum. “Such as?”

  Crossing his arms over his chest, Caleb replied, “Things like sneaking around and watching me.”

  Eli shook his head. “I wasna sneaking, Caleb.”

  “Oh, yes, you were! You were watching me and talking to Winnie Lundy about me—and thinking things. I canna believe you thought I would knowingly burn down the Lundys’ barn.”

  “No one has accused you,” Sam pointed out.

  “Sure you did. Well, you were going to.”

  Eli groaned. “Caleb—you shouldn’t have been listening to other people’s—”

  “You shouldn’t have been saying such things!”

  “Enough.” Sam knew it was time to try and bring a bit of calm into the situation. It wasn’t going to be easy. Ever since Caleb had overheard them speculating about his involvement in the fire, things had gone downhill fast. “We all need to calm down and talk this through.”

  “I don’t want to.” Bright red splotches of anger formed on Caleb’s cheeks. “I wish Mamm and Daed were here. They’d tell you how wrong you were.” His chin lifted. “They would.”

  Eli glared. “I wish they were, too. Because then you probably wouldn’t have pulled half the things you’ve done this spring.”

  Back went the obstinate look. “Like what?”

  “Like staying out late. Lying about your whereabouts.”

  Kicking the ground, Caleb said, “I don’t want to be ganged up against.”

  “Then don’t ruin a day’s milk, bruder.”

  “Look. I know I made a mess. But, that doesn’t mean I set fires.”

  Eli leaned his head against one of the stable doors. “You are not listening.”

  Grabbing Caleb’s shoulder, Sam gently squeezed. “Just listen, will ya? You can’t live your life in separate lanes, like on the hills around us, Caleb,” Sam cautioned. “Things don’t move on their own, parallel. They mix together, influencing each other. Your actions of late have cast doubts. We didn’t blame you, but I’d be lying if I said we didn’t feel like we needed to ask you about the fire.”

  “And we were going to,” Eli said.

  “Only after I heard you talking about me.”

  Eli sighed. “This discussion is the reason I was reluctant to ask you about things. I was worried you’d get all hotheaded.”

  Turning to Sam, Caleb’s eyes filled with tears. “Sam, I thought you liked me.”

  “I do.”

  “Then why won’t you believe me? I promise I’m not lying.”

  Sam’s heart broke as he pulled his kid brother in for a hug. No, they hadn’t handled this conversation well at all. Neither he nor Eli had a woman’s knack for tact. Winnie would’ve known what to say. And well, Caleb was right. Their parents were far better at dealing with conflicts. They did have six kinner, after all.

  Nestled against Sam’s chest, Caleb’s body shook. “You did say things could be separate. Like how you were Amish in your heart even though you went out into the world.”

  This time it was Sam who felt Eli’s curious glare. Now, though, Sam was beginning to realize that “separate” wasn’t how he could live his life after all. Slowly, he spoke, verbalizing his thoughts the moment they became clear in his mind. “I was wrong.”

  “What?”

  “I wanted to learn when I was your age. I wanted something different than what I already had. And it made me feel ashamed. No, it wasn’t driving cars or smoking or staying out late. But it was different, and I wanted it badly. Mamm and Daed understood my feelings and let me go live with the Johnsons. I was so relieved.”

  As he caught Eli’s interested gaze, Sam realized that he’d never shared these inner feelings with his older brother either.

  His desire not to hurt anyone’s feelings had backfired. Instead of creating an aura of peace, it had only instilled a fair amount of distrust and confusion.

  Thinking back, Sam felt driven to confess everything completely. “Being away from here was hard. As I studied for my GED, I tried to cling to our ways and still fit in with all the Englischers. I stayed in my clothes, hugged my beliefs tightly. But then…I began to feel too different. I wanted to learn so badly, I put that first and began to adopt some of the Johnsons’ ways.” With a helpless shrug, he added, “It was easier to get along.”

  This time it was Eli who did the reaching out. With a pat on his arm, he murmured, “Do not be so hard on yourself, Samuel. You were only sixteen, after all. That’s not so old. And everyone likes to fit in.”

  Sam shared a smile with Caleb. “Jah, Caleb. I was only sixteen.”

  Caleb looked at him suspiciously. “What’s that smile supposed
to mean?”

  “It means that at sixteen, I, too, thought I knew so much. But sometimes I still made mistakes, just like I do now.”

  “Back then, what did you do?”

  “I prayed. I clung to my belief in Christ. But I let the conveniences influence me, same as anything else. I moved on, away from our ways.”

  “But you’re a fancy Englischer now—a college professor. Everyone says you’re a smart man and is proud of you. Why do you think you did something wrong?”

  “Because I tried to live my life in a narrow path, thinking I could have everything if I only looked straight ahead, never side to side. But that was a foolhardy thing to do. We’re all connected to each other, Caleb. The Lord lets us live in communities because we need them. For too long, I tried to excuse my behavior by thinking that it was okay for me to ignore some of our rules, because the Lord had gifted me with a strong desire to learn.”

  “And a really large brain.”

  Eli chuckled. “But now you think you are not fitting in?”

  “Now I see what I have given up to reach for my dreams. I haven’t been here for you, Caleb. I haven’t been here for Eli or our parents.” He also hadn’t been around for Winnie, and had a feeling that if he had had her steady, bright influence, his world might have run more smoothly.

  Eli cleared his throat. “Caleb, since we are now certain you did not start the fire, I have a terribly important question to ask you.”

  Those golden eyes of his blinked. “Yes?”

  “Do you know who did?”

  After two eternal minutes, Caleb nodded slowly. “I think so. But I don’t know why.”

  “You need to tell us who. Jonathan Lundy needs to know the truth.”

  “First—I’ve gotta ask you something.”

  “Yes?”

  “Would either of you mind if I only told Jonathan?”

  Sam was shocked. “You don’t want to tell us?”

  “No.”

  Eli scowled. “You don’t trust us now?”

  “I trust you, but I know this friend of mine trusted me.” Looking away, he said, “I know I need to betray his confidence. But if I’m going to do this, I’d rather only tell the one person who needs to know.”

  “And it’s not us,” Sam said with a knowing look to Eli.

  “Are you mad?” Caleb asked.

  “No. If I’m honest, I’m right proud of you,” Eli replied. “You, little brother, have just grown up. Do you want me to take you to Jonathan’s tonight, or do you want to go on your own?”

  With a new resolve in his features, Caleb shook his head. “I’ll go on my own. Now that we’ve talked…I think I’m finally ready to accept responsibility.”

  Sam looked at Eli and felt as old as the hills. “We’ll be here waiting, then. Waiting and praying.”

  “But first,” Eli said with a raised brow. “First, it’s time to clean up your mess. Yes?”

  With a sigh, Caleb reached for the bucket. “Yes.”

  “I am thankful you could come help me with this work, Caleb,” Jonathan said to the teen when he’d shown up late in the afternoon unexpectedly. All he’d said was that he wanted to help with the barn for a bit. Guessing that far more was on his mind, Jonathan nodded, slipped on his work gloves and led Caleb to what was left of the pile of burnt lumber.

  Now, as they worked hard together, Jonathan prayed that he and Caleb would eventually get to the real reason for his visit. And that he would listen with a bit more patience and tact than was his usual habit. However, his insides were raging and impatient. All he wanted to do was let loose of the crazy mesh of emotions that had been rolling inside of him from the moment he’d heard the first snap of burning wood.

  Pulling out a partially burned board and tossing it into the scrap pile with a grunt, Caleb merely nodded.

  “I am going to need a lot of help prepping this area, especially if it is going to be ready for the barn raising.”

  “What are you going to do with all the wood?”

  “Burn it. Not much else it’s good for.”

  With a sideways look, Jonathan added, “You know, it’s a terrible shame that this even happened. All from someone’s carelessness.”

  Caleb’s hands stilled. “Mr. Lundy, that’s why I came here. I need to talk to you about that.”

  “Oh?”

  “See…well—are you sure you need to know who started the fire?”

  “I think I do. While I’m putting the Lord firmly in charge of things, I feel a need to know. A need to understand.” He glanced Caleb’s way to make sure he was listening. “See, it looks like a spark from a cigarette created all this destruction. Something so small changed everything in one minute. Right while I was sleeping. I pulled my sister out right about here.” He pointed to the spot where the barn’s doors used to lay. “Caleb, if the Lord hadn’t put me here, she might have died. It’s hard to come to grips with something like that.”

  Caleb swallowed. “What do you mean, come to grips with?”

  “To realize that through someone’s honest mistake, my sister could have been taken from me.”

  “But it was just an accident.”

  “But we need to take responsibility even if something was unintentional. Though I’m ashamed to admit it, it’s these things that keep me up at night. I’m trying to forgive, but my heart isn’t ready until I have someone to forgive.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I’m going to keep hoping and praying and watching. Maybe one day I will know who was responsible.”

  Caleb picked up another two boards and laid them on the pile. When he picked up another piece of wood, a good portion of it crumbled under his fingertips. As the black ash flew to the ground, the boy looked troubled.

  “Careful, now,” Jonathan said. “This looks like just wood, but there’s nails and things around here. If we’re not careful, we’re going to get cut.”

  “I’ve got gloves on.” The boy held up two hands to prove his point.

  “Gloves don’t protect you from everything. That’s why the Lord gave us a mind, don’tcha think? We need to use it every now and then.”

  “Jonathan…if you do find out who burned your barn, what are you going to do to him?”

  “I don’t know. Talk to him, I suspect.”

  “That’s pretty dumb. Talking doesn’t help.”

  “It might help me, though.” He caught the boy’s eye. “I’m thinkin’ if someone is able to come forward and talk to me about the fire, about what happened, it might help a lot. A conversation can be pretty powerful.” With a shrug, Jonathan lifted another board and added it to the pile. “Of course, we both know that no one has come to talk to me. I wish that wasna the case, though.”

  “Maybe the person was scared.”

  “I suspect he was. Or she was. Of course, I was scared too, that night. Ach.” With a grimace, Jonathan pulled a nail out of the thick leather of his glove.

  “Did you get hurt?”

  “Not badly. Just a prick.”

  Caleb visibly tried to measure a smile. “I heard that we’re supposed to be real careful with the boards. There might be nails and such.”

  “I heard boys are supposed to watch their mouths around their elders.” Jonathan found himself also doing his best to temper his smile.

  “I’m trying.”

  Patting the boy on the shoulder, Jonathan murmured, “So, is that what you wanted to talk about?”

  “Kind of.” Caleb closed his eyes for a moment then with a lost, helpless look, murmured, “I think I know who set the fire.”

  “Who do you think it might be?”

  “David Hostetler. He’s been acting nervous and such. He also handed me some cigarettes and asked me to get rid of them. He acted like he was scared to even touch them.” Golden eyes watering, Caleb said, “I never wanted to tell on him, but my brothers started thinking that it might have been me.”

  It took every bit of effort for Jonathan to keep his expression
neutral and easy. For him not to start peppering Caleb with a dozen questions. “I’m sure that bothered you.”

  “It did. Verra much. I’d rather be in trouble for the truth, you know? Only the truth can help sometimes.”

  “I think you’re right about that.” He held out his hand and shook Caleb’s. “I’ll keep this to myself for a bit. I appreciate you coming here and telling me.”

  “I hope it was the right thing.”

  “I know it was. No one ever promised that the right thing would always feel good. Sometimes the right thing just lets you sleep at night.”

  After Caleb left, Jonathan walked out beyond the remains of the barn, away from the house. He needed a moment to come to grips with what he’d just learned.

  So…David Hostetler.

  He always liked the boy. He felt a bit sorry for his home life. He was such a shy, timid thing, too. In his heart, Jonathan figured if it had been David, he must have been scared to death.

  Frightened.

  Alone.

  That knowledge caught Jonathan off guard. He’d been hugging his anger to his chest like a shield. And consequently, that anger had prevented him from thinking about how anyone else might have been feeling. That knowledge shamed him.

  It was time to fagebb, to forgive. And, he realized, the Lord was asking him to do something harder, too. Instead of waiting for someone to take the blame, he was going to need to reach out to David. Reach out and lend a hand. And hope it was the right thing to do.

  Chapter 14

  “It was kind of you to pick me up after my doctor’s appointment again,” Winnie said to Samuel after he helped her navigate her way from the medical building and into the large cab of his black Ford truck.

  “You should have asked me to come pick you up from home and take you here, too,” he chided as soon as he moved into the cab beside her and buckled up. “I would have been happy to do that.”

  “It was no bother hiring a driver. I don’t want to take advantage of you.” She’d also been hesitant about spending so much time alone with him. The feelings she had for Samuel Miller seemed to become stronger with each passing day. And though she could envision a life with him one day, she still wasn’t sure if he was on the same page, or just helping out a family friend.