Insight

by Deborah Raney

  He paced through the house, trying her phone again every few minutes. Olivia didn’t have anyone to check up on her. She’d made a few friends at her church, but no one who would make sure she was safely home each evening, no one to help her if she wasn’t feeling well. That had become his job—his privilege—over the last few months as he’d grown to love Olivia. Without him, she was alone in the world.

  The knowledge goaded him into action. He grabbed his car keys from the kitchen counter and hurried to the garage.

  Five minutes later he turned the Escape onto Glenwillow Road. September was nearly over and the days were growing shorter. Already the sky was gloomy with dusk. There were no lights on in Olivia’s house, except for one that glowed dimly from the back of the house—probably the kitchen.

  Reed got out of the car and rang the doorbell. No answer. His loud knocking got no response either. He went around back and checked the door. It was locked, but Tiger came racing from the side of the house and meowed up at him.

  “Hey, buddy. Where is she?” He scratched the cat under the chin, suddenly feeling silly talking to a dumb cat. It relieved his mind that Tiger was here—and made him realize that his biggest fear was that Olivia would pack up and go back to Chicago. But she wouldn’t leave Tiger alone.

  The cat followed him to the garage. He peered in the side window to see that her car was gone. That eased his mind further. Maybe she’d just gone for a drive to think things over. Or maybe she’d driven to her friend Claire’s house.

  Back in the car, he bent over the steering wheel. Be with her, Lord. Keep her safe. Show me what you want me to do, Father. Get my attention if I need to look for her. He sat there, doing everything he knew to open his ears to what God might be telling him. He heard no trumpets, saw no flashing lights, but gradually peace came.

  He didn’t know how things would ultimately end between Olivia and him, but for tonight, he felt constrained to leave her alone. God loved her more than he ever could. Tonight he needed to trust Olivia to His care.

  He would face tomorrow when the sun came up.

  The sky was inky black when Olivia finally turned her car toward home. She had left Reed’s house in a fog, aiming her car in the direction of Parker & Associates, needing some connection to Derek. Something to sober her and help her understand everything that had happened. She’d sat in the parking lot for almost an hour, weeping and confused and not getting any of her myriad questions answered. Finally, she’d left the office complex and headed down a paved county road that led to who-knew-where. She’d passed through a series of tiny burgs. Finally, as the sun sank below the trees, she turned the car back and headed home, not knowing what else to do.

  But now, as she approached the turnoff for Glenwillow Road, she simply couldn’t face the empty house. She had to talk to someone. And it could not be the one person she’d grown to depend on to be her best friend.

  But maybe Claire? She turned her car toward the Meredith’s house. Ten minutes later, she pulled up in front of the cozy Cape Cod. The house was ablaze with lights in nearly every window. A tricycle was parked haphazardly on the uneven sidewalk in front and a huge gray tomcat sat curled on the porch. What a difference between this homey place and her empty house on Glenwillow Road.

  Before she could lose her nerve, she hurried to the door and punched the doorbell.

  The door opened and Claire’s inquisitive face appeared behind the screen. “Olivia! Come in, come in. What are you doing in our neighborhood?” She took in Olivia’s face. “What’s wrong?”

  Olivia stepped over the threshold into the scent of cinnamon and vanilla. “Do you…do you have time to talk…just for a minute?”

  Concern creased Claire’s forehead. “Is everything all right?”

  “Oh, Claire…” She looked around the room, worried that Michael and little Katherine might overhear.

  “What is it, Olivia? Please, come sit down. Michael took Kat to her grandma’s in Billings, but he’ll be back in a little bit.”

  “I won’t stay long…you guys probably had a nice quiet evening together planned.”

  Claire’s expression told her she was right, but her words didn’t give her away. “Don’t be silly. Come on in.” Claire closed the door behind them and led the way through the living room to the rumpled family room off the kitchen where they’d sat when Olivia visited before.

  “Can I fix you some tea?”

  “Oh, that would taste good. It’s almost chilly out tonight.” She pulled her baggy sweater around her belly.

  Claire turned on the flame under a chipped teakettle and came to sit across the table from Olivia. “Tell me what’s going on.” She glanced at Olivia’s round belly. “Everything’s okay with the baby?”

  She sighed, her breath coming ragged after a day of tears. “I’m going back to Chicago.” The statement surprised her almost as much as it surprised Claire. She hadn’t realized how strongly she’d entertained that possibility until the words were out of her mouth.

  “Olivia…” Claire frowned. “Oh, but why?”

  “Oh, Claire. I just found out something that…” She put a fist to her mouth to staunch her sobs.

  “What is it? What happened?” She waited while Olivia collected herself.

  “I got this—” She pulled the rumpled letter from the pocket of her sweater and handed it to Claire.

  Claire read it and looked up, confusion on her face.

  “Reed wrote this.” She pointed to the signature. “REV is Reed Elliott Vincent.”

  Claire’s jaw went slack. “You mean…? He got…?” She put a hand to her face.

  Olivia nodded and let the shocking story spill out in a stream still tinged with disbelief.

  When she finished, Claire shook her head slowly. “It’s almost too incredible to believe. It makes me wonder if…it’s more than just a coincidence.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m not sure, but… I don’t pretend to have any special insight into how God works in our lives, but maybe…maybe God is in this whole thing. Maybe it’s all part of His plan. For you…and for Reed.”

  “What plan could that possibly be, Claire? I…I’ve tried to get it to make sense and I just can’t. Any more than Derek’s death makes sense.”

  “Oh, please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying Derek’s death was God’s will. I just wonder if this is part of God working all things for good…even something as terrible as your husband’s death.”

  “I still don’t get it.”

  The teakettle’s low whistle rose to a piercing wail and Claire excused herself and jumped up to turn off the burner. As she poured water over tea bags, she eyed Olivia. “You care a lot for Reed, don’t you?”

  Olivia felt the heat rise up her neck. She didn’t know how to answer without giving her true feelings away.

  Claire brought steaming cups to the table and set one on a saucer in front of Olivia. Olivia made a production of dunking her teabag, stirring her tea, hoping Claire wouldn’t notice her flushed cheeks. But she felt her friend’s eyes on her.

  “Olivia?” Incredulity stole into Claire’s voice. “Do you… Are you in love with Reed?”

  Am I? Do I even know what that means anymore? She shook her head. “What kind of woman would I be if I was? Oh, Claire. I’ve been so unfair to Derek. We had our problems, but we were working things out. I’m having so much trouble remembering that…remembering the good times. Because…well, frankly, there weren’t very many. And it—” Her voice caught. “It wasn’t Derek’s fault that he died before we could make new memories—good ones. But I don’t know if I can live on what might have been.”

  Claire reached across the table and put a hand on Olivia’s arm. “God doesn’t expect you to. He’s given you a hope and a future.” She moved her hand to place it gently over Olivia’s belly. “Just think about it! This child is the chance for you to make those new memories. To have something good out of—”

  The muted mechanical grind of a
garage door opening caused them both to look toward the back kitchen door.

  “That’s Michael,” Claire said.

  She said it with apology in her voice, but Olivia didn’t miss the spark of love and anticipation that was there too. It was time for her to go. They probably didn’t get much time alone, just the two of them. She pushed her cup away from the edge of the table and started to rise, but Claire stopped her.

  “Just wait. Stay a little longer. Talk to Michael for a minute.”

  The kitchen door opened and Michael Meredith ducked through it. He waved when he saw Olivia. “I wondered whose car was on the drive. Hi, Olivia.”

  Michael went to plant a kiss on Claire’s forehead. She touched his cheek. “Did you get the princess delivered to Grandma’s?”

  “Safe and sound. She and Mom were deep in cookie dough by the time I left.”

  Watching their affectionate exchange, Olivia felt awkward and in the way. She pushed back her chair. “I really need to go…”

  Michael held up a hand. “Oh, no, please. Don’t leave on my account.” He went to stand behind Claire and massaged her shoulders. “How are you feeling, babe?”

  “Shh… I’m fine.” She slanted a glance at him and Olivia didn’t miss the silent warning she tried to send with her eyes.

  Olivia looked from one to the other. Had Claire been sick? It would be just like her to listen to Olivia’s troubles without mentioning her own.

  But Michael ignored his wife’s warning. “Didn’t you tell Olivia our news?”

  “Michael…” Claire turned to Olivia with a sheepish smile. “We’re pregnant,” she said, the smile growing to a full-fledged beam. “I just found out Monday.”

  “Oh, Claire! That’s wonderful.”

  For a moment, Olivia forgot her own troubles. She smiled across the table at the dear couple. No one was more deserving than they were. “I bet Katherine is beside herself.”

  “We haven’t told her yet. We thought we’d wait for a few weeks…”

  Olivia eyed Claire. “Is everything okay?”

  “Oh, yes. I’m doing fine. But nine months is a long time for a little girl to wait.”

  Olivia gave an inward sigh of relief. “Well, I’m just thrilled for you.”

  “We can compare baby notes,” Claire said. Then, her smile faded, as if she’d just remembered why Olivia was there, and that she wouldn’t be around to compare notes. “Can I tell Michael…?”

  Olivia shrugged and nodded.

  “Honey,” Claire looked up at Michael, put her hands over his on her shoulders. “Olivia got some…disturbing news today.”

  “Oh?” Michael’s eyes filled with genuine concern. He out pulled a chair beside Claire and sat down. He looked from Olivia to Claire, then back.

  Claire explained about the letter.

  When she finished, Michael blew out a heavy breath and shook his head in disbelief. “That’s got to be a tough one to handle.”

  Olivia shrugged and dipped her head, not knowing how to respond.

  “Honey,” Claire said, “You spent quite a bit of time with Derek, didn’t you?”

  “Well, I only knew him for a few weeks before he died, but yes… We shared pretty openly in our men’s group and Derek wasn’t shy.” He gave Olivia a smile. “Your husband was a great guy.”

  “He was a good guy.” Olivia gave him a grateful smile that turned quickly to a frown. “We had our problems…in our marriage. Pretty serious problems. But things had gotten better before…”

  Michael nodded. “Derek told me a little about your struggles. He dealt with a lot of guilt over his…affair. But he was so eager for you to come to the Falls and live together here. He was nervous about the house—whether you’d like it or not. He bragged about how you’d fix it up when you got here. I didn’t realize you did it professionally until Claire told me, but Derek said you were really gifted at that kind of thing.”

  Olivia sat, stunned by all this. “Derek said that? That I was gifted?”

  “Oh, yeah. More than once. He thought you hung the moon.” Michael smiled thoughtfully, then cocked his head and studied her. “I take it he never got around to telling you?”

  She shook her head and swallowed back tears.

  “He was learning, Olivia. Even in the short time he was in our men’s group, we saw him grow in his faith. And he never missed a meeting. Church, too. If he wasn’t going back to see you in Chicago for the weekend, he was in church on Sunday morning, sometimes Sunday night. He soaked it all in. He gave the rest of us a run for our money with his questions about the Bible and what it meant to live out one’s faith.”

  “Oh, Olivia,” Claire said softly. “It’s so sad that you didn’t get to know that stronger side of him.”

  Olivia took a sip of the now-tepid tea, trying to get rid of the giant lump in her throat. “I guess I’m thinking it’s sad that he didn’t get to know this other side of me either. I…I wasn’t perfect in our marriage, not by a long shot.” She bit her lip. “And now, in a way, I’ve been as unfaithful to Derek as he was to me.”

  Michael and Claire exchanged glances. “What do you mean?” Claire asked.

  Olivia bent her head. “What I’ve felt…for Reed. It’s like I’ve been unfaithful to Derek. Comparing him to Reed…and not in a good way. I don’t think I ever really grieved Derek. And already my affections have turned to…someone else, and—”

  “No.” Claire’s voice rose. “You’ve got it all wrong, Olivia. You can’t be unfaithful to a dead man!” Her face blanched and she put a hand to her mouth. “I’m sorry. That didn’t come out very tactfully. But…I just think you’re making yourself—and Reed—out to be villains. It’s no crime that you happen to care for each other. Sure, it’s probably wise to give yourself some space—” she gestured toward the letter Olivia had laid on the table— “especially after that.”

  “Olivia…” Claire touched her hand. “You have a lot on your plate right now. But if you love Reed…my goodness, there’s no shame in your feelings for him. You don’t have to punish yourself.” She turned to her husband. “Don’t you agree, Michael?”

  He looked thoughtful. “Derek’s only been gone a few months, so you may be right about not giving yourself enough time to grieve. Only you can know that. But I certainly wouldn’t compare it to being unfaithful. And I’ve known more than one person who was legitimately ready to find love again before that first year of mourning was up. I don’t know who set that timeline anyway.”

  Olivia toyed with the handle of her empty teacup. Could Claire and Michael be right? But what about the bizarre bond that now linked Derek and Reed? She sighed. “Even if you’re right, why would God have let Derek, of all people, end up being the donor for Reed? That just seems like a cruel joke.”

  “I don’t see it that way,” Michael said thoughtfully. “Obviously, the transplant was a blessing to Reed. You care for Reed. Is it possible that God orchestrated everything so that you would get to meet someone who directly benefited from the generosity that caused Derek to sign that donor card?” He shrugged. “I’m only speculating, but it seems possible. It seems like something God would do.”

  Olivia shook her head. “I don’t know…I’m just so confused. About everything. I…I don’t feel like I can think straight. Maybe time will heal these wounds. Maybe there will come a day when I can see this differently, but for now, I can’t stay here. I can’t. It’s not fair—to Derek or to Reed.” The baby turned flips inside her and she gave a little gasp. Knitting her fingers into a cradle under her belly, she bowed her head. “And it’s not fair to Derek’s child.”

  She scooted her chair back from the table. “I really do need to go.”

  “Can we pray with you first?” Claire asked.

  “I…I’d like that.”

  To Olivia’s surprise, Claire and Michael got up and came to put their hands on her shoulders.

  Michael prayed, asking God to give Olivia wisdom and peace and direction. Listening to his sonorous
voice, her thoughts calmed and she felt the first glimmer of hope since she’d discovered Reed’s letter.

  “We’ll keep you in our prayers,” Claire told her a few minutes later as she and Michael walked Olivia to her car.

  “Thanks, you guys. And I’m so sorry to ruin your evening.”

  Michael shook his head. “Please. It was our privilege. If there’s anything we can do to help, you let Claire know. We’ll do whatever we can, Olivia.”

  Olivia drove home without an inkling of what tomorrow would hold. Would she be able to sell her house? Could she find a job in Chicago—especially now that she was seven months pregnant? Would she ever see Reed again?

  And yet, over it all, she felt a tentative peace. She remembered a Scripture Claire had copied on a note card when Olivia was threatening to miscarry. “The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”

  She felt those everlasting arms carry her now into the unknown.

  Chapter 34

  The doorbell pierced the silence of the studio. Reed slid his paint palette onto the counter and glanced at the clock. Nine-fifteen and Olivia hadn’t come in to work yet, but he knew her special ring and that wasn’t it.

  Sighing, he plunked his paintbrush in a jar to soak and wiped his hands on a rag. He padded through the kitchen, praying he wouldn’t be forced to give a studio tour or talk to a prospective client. He wasn’t in the mood to see anyone.

  His pulse quickened when he saw Olivia’s car on the drive. He opened the door.

  She stood on the porch, slump-shouldered and definitely not dressed for work, in black dress pants and a billowy blouse. Her eyes were red and swollen, her makeup streaked.

  “You look terrible.” He beckoned her inside.

  She ignored his comment. “Reed, I’m sorry…I know this leaves you in a lurch, but…” She started crying. “I can’t do this.”

  “Here…” He put a hand lightly on the small of her back and led her to an overstuffed chair in the living room. She slumped onto the cushions, still overcome by tears.