by Jenna Bernel
He twisted out of our hug and turned off the lamp by my bed. Then he maneuvered us until he was spooning me, holding me closer than usual as we readied for sleep. I relaxed a bit, realizing tonight wasn't the night. That was okay because I didn't think I was prepared to redefine our relationship on top of everything else that happened today. I think Evan sensed that. He always knew when I was going through something, whether I chose to talk about it or not. And tonight, he knew I just needed a little support and comfort, simply being us as we always were before.
Still, just because we were only snuggling didn't mean I couldn't test the waters a bit to know how it felt to be closer to him. I clasped my hand over his, which rested across my waist to see what he'd do, and he nuzzled deeper into our embrace, deftly encircling my fingers.
"Goodnight," he whispered, giving my shoulder blade a light kiss, which sent a pleasurable hum down my back.
"Goodnight," I whispered back, pressing into him further. I could feel his warm breath breezing through my hair when he laid his head back down. My eyes started to flutter. They felt so heavy from emotional exhaustion, but just as I closed them, I remembered I'd soon be meeting Alec in my sleep, and they snapped back open. What was I supposed to do, kick Evan out? No matter what I said, Evan would think that he’d done something wrong. Besides, I wanted him here with me. I tried to ignore the guilt, feeling like the other woman more than ever before. I forced my eyes shut and tried to relax.
I thought of Alec and the ocean of pain he created. It was not as if he'd be standing in my bedroom with us. I tried to justify it, but even if Alec and I weren't together, or would never be together again, it still felt criminal. My brain and body, which had been so deprived all week, took over, and I fell into sleep quickly. Too bad it would be another restless night.
Chapter 12: Cloud Crashing
When I opened my eyes, I was standing at the usual spot in my dream, right at the edge of the ocean. The water splashed over my feet. It felt so much warmer than the freezing winter lake. I looked out into the abyss, waiting for him to appear, accepting him into the dream as he instructed. I guess subconsciously I was allowing Alec and Roman into my dreams without knowing it. Roman, however, was the only one to appear until recently. A part of me wished Alec had shown up a long time ago, but I also appreciated knowing this was the one part of my life where he gave me some space. I felt lighter in my dreams, and more myself than when I was awake. I had cried here on many occasions, and it felt good, like a release. I was letting go of what caused me pain instead of keeping it bottled up until it turned me darker and darker. Alec appeared by my side, and I jumped in surprise, expecting to find him out in the ocean.
"That's quite a party trick," I said, recovering from the startle.
"You can't always predict the landing," he said tightly as he turned to face me.
"Thanks for keeping your end of the deal," I said, brushing his arm, and he stiffened.
"What's the matter?" I asked, and he stepped a few feet into the water. He pointed his finger down at the surface and began to swirl it in a circular motion. The water began to eddy until a frame of liquid moved against the current, and a picture started to appear in the middle. I saw myself in bed, with Evan holding me against him, just as we were when I fell asleep. I put my hand to my mouth, feeling shock and guilt all at once. I didn't know people in my dreams could create a window into reality like that. It felt like I was cheating on them both, on Alec, for falling asleep with Evan, and on Evan, for knowing I'd be meeting Alec here.
"I'm sorry. He just came over, and we fell asleep. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew you could see it," I said dumbly, like that was some sort of excuse.
"Forget it. I have no claim to you anymore. You've made that clear," Alec said bitterly.
"It's not like that, Alec," I said, pulling at his arm so he'd look at me. This was so strange, that again in this dream state, it felt like we were together and I was somehow betraying him. I knew if I were awake, I wouldn't feel the same need to defend my actions.
"Then what is it like?" he snorted, looking at the picture swirling in the water again and making a throwing motion with his hand. It disappeared with a big splash.
"I don't know. It's too soon to tell," I said honestly.
"I think you're just running away from me and into his arms because it's easier to deal with," Alec said, looking at me angrily. He was masking his hurt with that anger, because I saw pain in his eyes.
"Easy is all I can handle right now. Can't you understand that?" I asked, holding his face with my hands, while he clasped my wrists to keep them there.
"No, I can't. I'll take complicated any day to have us back together, to feel this warmth again on my skin when we touch," he said, as he twisted his head to kiss the inside of my palm. I thought I saw a spark coming from his lips. I cleared my throat, unsure of how to respond. I couldn’t deny the heat we created with any contact. I slowly pulled my hands away, trying to refocus on why I was here.
"Can you teach me how this works?" I croaked out, changing the subject. Alec smiled almost imperceptibly. He knew he had an effect on me still; and I couldn't hide as well in my dream as I could out there in the real world.
"Yes, but first tell me why you want to know about your Nephil Gifts all of a sudden," he said, crossing his arms and scanning me curiously.
"That wasn't part of the deal. I held up my end. I asked you all sorts of questions today, which brought some horrifying answers I knew I didn't want to know, I might add. One of which included a life-changing, heart-wrenching catastrophe of a secret about some wayward, rat bastard of a biological father, who ditched me to figure out this paranormal life on my own!" I said, my frustration bubbling over as a crack of lightning burst into the sky, causing me to yelp and jump at the same time. Alec dropped his head and shook it like he thought he was a dead man.
"Perfect," he said, sounding subdued, while looking up at me.
"Could you refrain from the 'smiting your father' talk, please? I'm already in enough trouble for telling you," Alec said, mouthing, I'm sorry into the sky.
"What was that?" I asked, still looking around for another lightning bolt to have me jumping out of my skin.
"It’s him, telling me he's good and mad," Alec said, raking his hands through his hair.
"He's Cloud Crashing my dreams? But I don't want him here! You hear that? You're not invited!" I shouted into the sky, as it slowly began to darken into a rumbling storm.
"Yeah, that's not going to work. He's too powerful for you to kick him out," Alec said with a small smile, like he thought it was cute that I was trying.
"So now I don't even control my own dreams," I said, throwing my hands up.
"Of course you do," Alec reassured me, as another crack of lightning struck, all the way down into the water, and a man appeared on a floating platform as if to prove otherwise.
"That's not… is it?" I squinted at the man way out in the ocean, but the distance was too great for even my heightened vision to make out his features.
"Yes, that's your true father," Alec said, finishing my thought.
I sucked in a sharp breath, shooting upright in bed, and Evan snapped up beside me.
"What? What is it?" Evan said, panicked at being startled awake. But I couldn't breathe and kept gasping with my hand to my throat. "You're sweating," he said, concerned, and feeling my forehead for a temperature. "Dani, you're burning up. I'm going to get you some water," he said, jumping out of bed. I heard him quietly retreat down the stairs into the kitchen. Right then, Alec opened my balcony door and came in.
"Are you okay?" Alec whispered, coming toward me as I looked at my bedroom door in panic.
"You can't be here right now! Go home!" I whispered back, but much sharper.
"I'm sorry. I've never seen anyone snap out of Cloud Crash so fast. I was worried," Alec said, ignoring me.
"I'm fine. Please don't make me explain why you've magically appeared, just go," I said, pointing to
ward the balcony, and he rolled his eyes.
"You really need to start prioritizing things in your life," Alec said, like it was ridiculous that I wouldn’t want Evan to come back up here, only to find my ex-boyfriend in my bedroom.
"That's what I'm doing, now get out," I said through my teeth. He glared at me, shutting the door, and jumping right off the balcony and out of sight.
I closed my eyes and fell back into the bed, raking my hands over my face. My hair was plastered to the back of my neck from the sweat, so I twisted it up on top of my head to let the air hit my skin and cool me down. Evan returned a moment later, sitting beside me with a glass of ice water and a cold, wet washcloth.
"Here you go," he said, handing me the glass. I tilted up in bed just enough to take a few cooling sips before setting it on the nightstand. I lay back down, and he placed the cold washcloth across my forehead.
"Thanks, that helps," I said, closing my eyes again. He lay down next to me with his head propped in his hand, as he draped his arm over my stomach. I kept my eyes shut, but held his arm more tightly against me. Did that really just happen? Did my father, whom I'd never heard of until today, just Cloud Crash my dream?
"Do you feel sick?" Evan asked, tucking a pillow under his head, but still keeping his arm around me.
"No, I think I just had a really bad nightmare." That was the honest to God's truth, the worst nightmare of my life, in fact.
"Do you want to tell me about it? Sometimes that helps," Evan suggested.
"I just really want some sleep." It came out like a whimper, almost desperate, and it was. I hadn't had a full night's sleep in over a week, and it was starting to wear on me. Every day and night was like a walking nightmare of, "this is your shitty life." I was probably the one, not Harper, who would soon snap. The only problem was that I could be much, much more dangerous than she or your average teenager…
Chapter 13: The Kate Way
My eyes fluttered open and my room was brightly filled with sunshine. I guess the sleet from last night must have finally subsided. I looked over at my nightstand and saw that my alarm would go off in ten minutes, and I groaned. I could sleep all day, and still not feel caught up. I'm just glad that everyone left me alone in my dreams so I could get at least a few good hours. At the sound of my voice, Evan began to stir in his sleep. Half awake, he nuzzled his nose into the nape of my neck and it tickled. I turned over to face him and his eyes were only half-opened, but he still gave me a sideways smile.
"Let's both ditch today and go back to sleep," he said, pulling me into his chest. I smiled, it was tempting, but two days in a row would put me way behind.
"You should get going," I said, softly rebuffing his suggestion and he shook his head, holding me tighter. It felt strange, and new, but welcome all at the same time to hold each other again like this. I hugged him close, rubbing my hand over his back and dipping down into his neck to smell his earthy, masculine cologne. He turned his head just enough to kiss the side of my temple and pulled back to look at me.
"Have I ever told you how beautiful you look in the morning?" You'd think he was joking because I'm sure I was a mess, but the sincerity in his eyes was too real to miss. I swallowed and shook my head, wondering how we managed to turn this corner so easily.
"Well, you are," he said, kissing my forehead and holding his lips there for a moment longer. He slipped out of bed and put on his shoes and coat before turning back to me. I sat up to say goodbye.
"I'll see you at school," he said, brushing his fingers along my jaw and I felt the butterflies returning, kicking me fully awake.
"Okay," I croaked out, watching him leave. I hugged my knees to my chest, thinking about Evan's actions. He was clearly hedging for something more, and I was feeling things that I never felt before. Maybe they were always there, just below the surface of our friendship, or maybe Alec was right and I was running away. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was hurt Evan.
My alarm beeped sharply, pulling me from my thoughts and I hit the “off” button before jumping out of bed. I went to the bathroom to take a nice, long shower and decided to try and look presentable at school today, feeling tired of walking around like a gaunt zombie.
*****
"Hey, thanks for playing hooky without me," Kate said as I clipped in my seatbelt.
"You already have a dress," I countered.
"That doesn’t mean I didn't want to ditch school too, and help you shop," she explained and I smiled.
"Sorry, next time," I said, smoothing out my skirt.
"See? You don't even know how do to it right. You look way to nice today for anyone to believe you were sick yesterday," Kate continued, while looking over my outfit. Instead of my usual jeans and sweater, I wore black leggings for warmth under a skirt with leather, knee-high boots and a fitted, long-sleeved shirt. I finished the ensemble with a long necklace that had sparkly charms dangling at the end. I even had time to do my hair and makeup. Amazing what even a little sleep can do for your mood, or maybe it was waking up to Evan that started my day right.
"I'm just taking advice from the Kate Harris handbook and trying to be positive," I said and she smiled.
"Good, you were bringing me down," she retorted and I laughed. If she only knew how depressing my life really was.
"So did you find a dress?" Kate asked and I nodded. "Eee, what does it look like?" Her face lit up with excitement as the subject turned to one of her favorite interests: fashion.
"It's a black corset with the most amazing beading; then it blurs into red at the knee like it’s melting into this ruby color when it hits my feet," I said, picturing it in my mind and falling in love all over again. I didn't normally get into any school functions except watching the guys at baseball games, but this dress was worth celebrating.
"Sounds magnificent; I can't wait to see it," Kate said happily as she pulled into the school parking lot.
"We should get ready together," I suggested and she nodded in agreement. I was hoping to spend some time with her. I had been neglecting my human life, and no matter what Alec said, it would always be a priority to me. The moment I thought of Alec, he appeared, pulling into the space right next to Kate and me before we could get out. We both looked out my window and a flash of jealous heat involuntarily ripped through me when I saw Harper sitting in his passenger seat. He jumped out of the car, not meeting my eyes, and Harper shot me a satisfied smile as he ran around to open her door. She hooked her arm in Alec's as they walked together into the school.
I sat back in my seat and looked at Kate, who was also watching with intense interest. She rolled her eyes as if the whole thing was a joke and I managed a little grin.
"She's just doing that to get back at you," Kate said, disgruntled at Harper's obvious game-playing.
"Yeah, then what's his excuse?" I asked, caring much more about the man she was fawning all over than Harper herself.
"You know how guys are; they'll do anything to distract themselves to fill the void of the one they really want. The one they can't have," Kate shrugged and my breath hitched in my throat. It was like every relationship of my life rolled into one crystal clear sentence.
"You are so right…" I whispered, my melancholy expanding to all of the people in my life that applied to, including myself.
*****
Walking into Senior Sculptures, I saw Harper sitting in Alec's lap and I nearly turned around and walked back out. She had her arm hooked around Alec's neck while she showed him her new latte mug, after the other one broke in the kiln. It used to feel like Evan and I had the only closely-knit, secret relationship, but now that it was out in the open, Alec had turned into that guy. Watching Harper get cozier in his lap, when only yesterday, he held my hand as he broke the news about my real Nephil father, was surreal.
I sat down next to them, trying to pretend that it didn't bother me, while I struggled with the urge to shove Harper right off his lap and onto her butt.
"Oh, hi Dani, feeling any bet
ter?" Harper asked, as though she just noticed me when it was obvious she was patiently waiting for me to observe her flirting with my boyfriend. I mean ex, ex-boyfriend.
"Yes, much," I told her and she smiled snidely.
"Yeah, dress shopping can really take it out of you. I should know," she joked, blowing my cover. This school had such a big mouth; but I shrugged, as if not caring.
"Alec was in the city yesterday too, buying a tux and making the rest of our plans," Harper continued. I looked at Alec watching our exchange. I was telling him with my eyes that I thought he could have come up with a more convincing lie.
"Good for him," I said, still looking at Alec. He gave me a lopsided grin that Harper couldn't see, and was almost laughing at his own crappy cover story.
"So are you going home? Or staying in the city after the dance?" Harper kept badgering me; why did she bother? We both knew she couldn’t care less about my plans.
"Um, I'm not sure. I guess I'll do whatever the group wants," I said, instantly losing interest in the conversation.
"I don't know about the rest of the group, but we booked a room right in the hotel," Harper said as an evil smile crossed her lips. I was still looking at Alec and his face went tight at Harper's revelation. I tried not to react, but my eyes rounded out in horror, and I could see why she wanted to chat with me to begin with. She was waiting to segue into that the whole time. Harper and Alec in a hotel room together, all night long. Gak!
I opened my mouth to try and say something clever, but closed it again and looked away so she couldn't see my face. She sighed, relieved to have finally stuck it to me like she thought I did to her. She moved out of Alec's lap and into her own chair. I gave a forlorn, sidelong look at Alec, who was subtly shaking his head like he wished I hadn't found out that way. I guess he was moving on too, and so should I. The bell rang and I shrunk from the sound, feeling like it was piercing my ears. A long, endless hour lay ahead, stuck in the same room with Harper and the man who would give her a hotel key in a few short days.