If You Really Love Me

by Gene Gant

  I’m so glad he left me this note. It means he’s thinking about me too. God, that makes me so happy.

  I still have some of the money left that Mr. Luigi paid me. On my lunch period, I treat myself to a burger and salad combo. With my tray, I make my way through the crowded dining area until I find an empty table. It’s empty because a bunch of kids ate there and didn’t bother to carry their dirty trays and dishes to the dishwasher’s station. I push aside one of the trays and sit down.

  The burger is nice and hot, the salad is cool and crisp. I lucked out going through the line when I did. For once, the food is really fresh. I eat slowly. Soon, my mind is drifting. There is sudden movement right behind me, and I think it’s just some guy on his way to somewhere else. Only he doesn’t pass by. He plops down on the empty metal stool beside me.

  “Man. Could you be any harder to find in this place?” Saul snipes at me with a smile. “I thought I was gonna have to send out a bloodhound.”

  I’m surprised and pleased to see him but also nervous. “What are you doing here?”

  “Cutting my Econ class so I can drop in on your lunch period,” he answers. “I couldn’t wait until Botany to see you.”

  I take a quick look around. A couple of kids are giving us these weird, what-the-hell looks. Saul shouldn’t be here, not with me.

  “Why are you hiding out on the backside of the cafeteria at a dirty table?”

  “This was the only vacancy.” I hope he won’t keep pressing me on this. To make sure he doesn’t, I ask, “How’d you know this is my lunch period? And how’d you know where my locker is?”

  “I asked at the office. The secretary didn’t want to tell me at first, so I told her you forgot your inhaler this morning and your mom gave it to me so I could get it to you, and if I didn’t get it to you, you could wind up having an asthma attack and going to the hospital. She gave up the information right after that. Please tell me you don’t really have asthma, because I’m going to feel like a major dirtbag if you do.” He leans toward me, his big shoulder almost touching my puny one.

  “No, I don’t have asthma.” My throat is suddenly so dry my voice squeaks.

  He’s sitting with his back to the table, very close to my seat, and his face shows how glad he is that we’re together once more. For the first time, it occurs to me that he actually likes me. I don’t want him to be hurt, but we’re sitting together in a crowded cafeteria, and kids are looking at us.

  Saul kicks up a conversation, and I realize he’s not the silent person he appears to be in Botany. It turns out he is a real talker. He tells me about everything: his dad’s father, a big homophobe who would probably disown him if he knew the things Saul did with me on my living room sofa; his addiction to protein shakes; his favorite TV shows. I like hearing him talk, and I’m interested in everything he says. When he mentions how hooked he was on Avatar: The Last Airbender as a little kid, my brain blazes with excitement.

  “Man, that’s one of my favorite shows of all time,” I blurt out, interrupting him. “I must’ve watched every episode about a hundred times, and I still get totally geeked every time it comes on.”

  “I’ve got the whole series downloaded on my iPad,” Saul says. “Why don’t we get together and watch it from the beginning?”

  “Wow. That’d be so cool.”

  He says we’ll hook up after school, drive to my place, and watch the first two episodes before he takes off to do his workout. I look around again as he talks. None of the other kids are paying much attention to us. Thank God for that.

  AFTER SCHOOL, Saul drives me home. We go up to my apartment, and Mom is still at work, so Saul settles down on the sofa to get his iPad ready while I make peanut butter sandwiches. We eat our sandwiches, huddled together on the sofa over his iPad, watching Katara and her brother Sokka free Aang from his ice cocoon. By the time the episode gets to the first fight between Airbender Aang and Firebender Zuko, Saul and I are both cheering crazily for Aang like spectators at a boxing match.

  We don’t make it to the second episode, however. We laugh at how stupid we sound, doing rah-rahs for a cartoon character. I watch Saul as we tease each other. He’s so good-looking and rippling it sucks the laughter right out of me. His laughter fades too. He turns off his iPad. Then he grabs me, and we spend the next hour or so trading gropes and peanut-butter-flavored kisses.

  At six o’clock, he lets me go and stands up. He stares down at me for a while with this wild look in his eyes. “Man,” he gasps with a hot little grin. “I could so take those clothes off you right now and… and….”

  I smile back at him. “And what?”

  “You don’t want to know.” He makes a frustrated noise in his throat. I’ve already told him Mom’s shift was over an hour ago, and she could walk in at any minute. “You want to come work out with me?”

  I want to. But Monday is the day Mom expects me to clean the bathroom and the kitchen. I have to make sure that’s done. “Maybe another time.”

  I get up to walk him out. He works his hand under my shirt and massages the small of my back as he pastes a long good-bye kiss on me. After he leaves, I start doing the cleaning. Even scrubbing out the toilet doesn’t bring down my mood. This has been the first day at school in a long time that I haven’t felt like a complete freak.

  THE LAST thing I do in cleaning the kitchen is mop the floor. This evening, I mop my way toward the back door. It’s been a while since I talked to Cary, and I’m dying to tell him about Saul.

  I take the fire escape down and knock at Cary’s back door. Through the window, I see him enter the kitchen. He gets a sort of pissed look on his face when he sees me. The second he opens the door, he says, “Where the hell have you been hiding?”

  It’s freezing out, and I’m shivering. I hurry into the kitchen, rubbing my upper arms with my hands.

  Cary closes the door. “I came up twice yesterday and nobody answered at your place,” he continues, chewing me out. “Hell, I started to wonder if you’d passed out in there or something. You never go anywhere on Sunday.” He’s wearing a tracksuit; his mom keeps the thermostat set low in cold months like my mom does. He takes off the jacket and hands it to me.

  I pull the jacket on, wrap my arms around myself, and take a seat at the table. “Yesterday was my movie date with Saul. I told you that, remember?”

  “Oh yeah. So how did that go?” He sits down across from me. “Did you ask him the big question?”

  “Well… not exactly.” The grin spreads across my face. “But he is gay. He put his hand on my leg, right there in the movie theater, and we wound up holding hands. Then, after the movie, he came up to the apartment and we… did stuff.”

  Cary’s mouth forms this exaggerated O, and he wags his head. “Oh ho. So that’s why you didn’t answer the door. You were in there gettin’ busy with the dude.”

  “Actually, I don’t remember hearing any knock.”

  “It must’ve really been wild if you didn’t even hear me pounding on the door.” He looks at me and nods approvingly. “Well well well. Scared little Ellis finally got himself some.”

  “I can hear you, boys.” That’s Cary’s mom, calling out from the living room.

  I cringe, shrinking down in my seat. “Why didn’t you tell me she was home?” I whisper at Cary.

  “Mom, stop eavesdropping,” Cary shouts at her.

  “Who’s eavesdropping? You’re talking so goddamned loud I can’t hear the television. Keep it down. Hello, Ellis.”

  “Hi, Auntie Jeanne,” I call back, feeling the burn in my face and neck.

  Cary waves her off. “So was the sex really good?”

  “We didn’t actually have sex.” I say that loudly so Auntie Jeanne (she was never Ms. Baker to me) will know it. When she mentions to Mom that I was making out with a guy in the apartment—and she will mention it—she can pass on the no-sex bit too.

  Cary looks disappointed. “Why the hell not? You had the dude right there, and it sounds like he was rea
dy.”

  I lower my voice. “Mom was out on a date, and there was no telling when she would get back. You know what she would have done if she walked in and saw—”

  “Ohhh,” Cary says, getting it. He shivers himself, apparently imagining Mom’s reaction. Mom has never hit me in front of him, but he’s seen how angry she gets.

  “But Saul is amazing, man. Today, at school, he cut class to sit with me on my lunch period. He went out of his way to walk me to a couple of my classes. And in Botany, he sat right next to me. He likes Avatar. I’m talking about the cartoon series, not the movie. Can you believe all that? After school, he came home, and we watched the first episode together. And we kissed some more before he had to go. This guy likes me, man. I still can’t believe it.”

  “Sounds like you’re on your way to having your first boyfriend. I’m impressed. You finally grew a pair and went for it.”

  I give him a little sneer, just a bit miffed. “That’s something for you to say, an eighteen-year-old straight dude who’s never had a girlfriend.”

  “Hey, there’s a difference. You never tried to hook up with a guy before. I’ve been hitting on girls since I was thirteen. It’s not my fault they couldn’t see what a great guy I am.”

  “Whatever. Any luck with the job search?”

  Cary’s face seems to fall, and that makes me sorry for bringing up the subject. “No. Even with the Christmas shopping season opening up, there just isn’t anything out there for me. I’m giving up the search.”

  “Come on, Cary. You can’t do that.”

  “Ellis….” He pauses and then looks away. “Got something I’ve been meaning to tell you.” He sighs and looks at me again. “I’m moving out.”

  It feels as if he suddenly switched to a foreign language. “What? What did you say?”

  “Mom and I talked it over with my gramps. He says he can get me a job working at this movie theater in his neighborhood. He knows the manager. When Grampa leaves for home after Christmas, I’m going with him.”

  “All the way to Phoenix?” Just saying the name of the city makes my head hurt. “For how long?”

  He lifts his shoulders in a little shrug. “For good, I guess.”

  Chapter Eight

  A REAL friend, a decent human being, would be happy and supportive. I guess that’s not me. I left Cary’s apartment without offering him one word of encouragement. I’m sitting on the fire escape, staring into the darkness, fear stinging in my chest like heartburn. I’m not afraid for Cary, moving hundreds of miles away to a new city. All I can think about is what my life will be like without him. We’re as close as brothers. We’ve always been there for each other. We’ve never said it aloud, but we love each other. I know he loves me as much as I love him. For the past two years, he has been the only friend in my life, the only friend who stuck with me, the only person I can really talk to.

  What am I going to do without him?

  The cold air is freezing me. I get up, climb the rest of the stairs, and let myself into the kitchen. Mom is at the sink, filling a vase with water. She looks happy.

  “Hi.” I rub at my arms, trying to generate warmth.

  “Come here,” she says quietly.

  I walk over to her, and she gives me a little swat in the back of my head. “Stop going outside in the cold without your jacket on,” she says, smiling. She unwraps a huge bunch of flowers from a green paper sleeve and puts them into the vase. “See what Breeze gave me?”

  “They’re pretty.”

  She looks at me. “What’re you so down in the mouth about?”

  “Cary’s moving to Phoenix.”

  “Yes, I know. Jeanne told me.”

  I want to ask why she didn’t tell me, but I don’t.

  “Ellis, for God’s sake, don’t cry.” She takes me firmly by the chin. I swallow hard a couple of times, sniff, and look down at the floor until the burning in my throat goes away. Mom lets me go. “People move on,” she says. “That’s life. Cary’s a young man now. He’s doing what a young man should, leaving the nest. You want him to do what’s best for him, don’t you?”

  I nod because I don’t trust my voice right now.

  She gives me a one-arm hug and then pats the side of my face. I can’t keep thinking about Cary and Phoenix. I have to get my mind on something else. “How’d you wind up with the flowers?” I ask.

  “Breeze sent them to my job. The girls were shocked. So was I.” Mom starts rearranging the flowers in the vase. Her cheeks get red, and her face gets that swept-off-my-feet look some of the girls at school get when a guy does something romantic for them. “No one’s ever sent me flowers before.”

  “Breeze must really be something.” My voice is a little shaky. I clear my throat. Hunger has been gnawing at me for a while now. Since there are no grocery bags in sight, it’s obvious Mom didn’t do any shopping on her way home from work. I cross to the fridge and look in. It’s just as bare as it was yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that.

  “You’re on your own for dinner tonight. Breeze is taking me out.” She picks up the vase of flowers as if she’s going to hug it. “Don’t wait up.”

  She heads for her room to get ready for her date. I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

  THE ALARM goes off at six thirty. I reach over and slap the off button. I slide out of bed in my underwear, my head still foggy with sleep, and take a leak in the bathroom. After washing my hands, I walk down the hall to Mom’s room.

  Her room is empty, and her bed hasn’t been slept in.

  SAUL IS waiting right next to my locker. He grins at me as I walk up. His grin slowly fades.

  “Hey. You okay?” he asks.

  “Yeah.” Even though I’m so glad he’s here, I have to make myself smile. I dial in the combination on my lock.

  “What’s wrong, El?”

  “Nothing.” I open the locker, slip the backpack off my shoulder, and put it on the floor.

  He keeps looking at me.

  “It’s just… my best friend is moving out of town for good after Christmas.”

  His face softens from worry to sympathy. “Man. That’s a big bummer.” He grabs my shoulder with his hand and gives me a little reassuring squeeze right there in the hall with other kids around.

  “I’m being a big baby, I know. I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry for what? If one of my best friends moved away, I’d be down too.”

  “We’ve been friends practically since we were born. Cary’s always been there for me.” I start to take off my jacket but a sudden wave of sadness hits me and I slump forward, resting my forehead against the locker’s door.

  Saul slides his arm around my shoulders. “Well, I know I can’t take the place of your best friend. But I’ll be there for you, man.”

  A PATTERN develops. Mom goes to work, and she goes out with Breeze. Between her job and her dating, I hardly see her. In a few days, I use up all of the groceries I bought. Saturday, I go back to Southern Market, but Mr. Luigi isn’t there. Two of his sons are running his booth. They say he went out of town for an old friend’s funeral. They don’t offer me any work and seem annoyed that I’m distracting them from their customers, so I leave.

  I spend the last of my money on a box of limited edition pumpkin pie flavored Pop-Tarts. There are six packets of two pastries each in the box. Opening one packet for breakfast and one packet for dinner, the Pop-Tarts take me three more days. Mom keeps forgetting to go to the supermarket, and I know that’s because when she gets off work, the only thing she can think about is seeing Breeze. The few times I do see her, I don’t say anything about groceries because she’s so happy, and I don’t want to ruin that for her. I stop by a few fast-food joints where I have already applied for a job and been turned down. The managers tell me they still don’t have any work for me.

  Usually, in a situation like this, I would go down to Cary’s for a meal, but I’ve kind of been avoiding him. I’m not avoiding him out of anger; I’m not mad at h
im, I swear. I’m staying away from him because I have to get myself used to not having him around. Otherwise, I think it would be too much of a brain shock to go suddenly from him being right downstairs to him being completely gone. I might have a stroke or something.

  But there’s Saul. At school, he manages to spend time with me between our classes, even if it’s only for a few seconds to exchange smiles. Kids at school are beginning to talk. I see them looking as if they don’t quite know what to make of us—like we’re a couple of extraterrestrials and they’re trying to figure out what planet we’re from—and then they whisper among themselves. I don’t care what they say about me, but I do worry over what they think of Saul now that he has so openly shown that he likes me.

  He drives me home every day, and we watch an episode of Avatar together. We do homework together. We make out. We make each other laugh. In just a little under two weeks, he’s become the brightest spot in my life.

  He comes to the rescue. On the Monday before Thanksgiving, we’re sitting on the sofa in my living room while he’s working on his iPad to pull up the next episode of Avatar. “I’m starved,” he says. “How’s about a peanut butter sandwich?”

  One thing I’ve noticed about Saul is that he doesn’t eat a whole lot of “regular” food, at least when he’s around me. Most times when we have a snack, he pulls out one of the protein bars he keeps stashed in his jacket. He does seem to like peanut butter, however, and I feel bad having to turn him down. “Sorry, man. I don’t have any peanut butter.”

  “No problem. You got an apple or banana or something?”

  I shake my head. “Mom hasn’t had a chance to do the grocery shopping.”

  He gives me a long, silent look that is almost suspicious. “Come on.”