Nina sighed and pulled out her phone to call up Google Maps. They needed to go left. ‘Not a step!’ she barked. ‘We’re taking you to Nando’s.’
‘You’d better do what she says,’ Noah advised. He gave a theatrical shudder. ‘She’s frightening when she gets cross.’
‘Terrifying,’ Nina said in her scariest voice. ‘OK, get into pairs ’cause we are going to make like a crocodile and I don’t want any bitching about it.’
There was no bitching but quite a lot of groaning and then with Nina at the head and Noah bringing up the rear, they delivered twenty boys to Nando’s and the neglectful parents of Sunil and Sanjay.
‘Why am I so changed? Why does my blood rush into a hell of tumult at a few words?’
It was a good half hour later that Nina finally had a gin cocktail bigger than her head on the table in front of her. Unfortunately, she’d only managed one sip because she was currently crying with laughter.
‘And … every … time … he … got … shot … he … acted … like … he’d … just … been … elec … tro … cuted,’ she wheezed as she recounted Peter’s last stand. ‘Really, he’s wasted at Ye Olde Laser Experience … he should be … on the stage … Oh God, don’t make me laugh any more. My ribs are killing me.’
‘I haven’t … said … a … word.’ Noah shook his head; he was laughing so hard that he had to stop speaking and cling to the edge of the table to keep himself upright. His face was pink, the freckles standing out in stark relief, as he dabbed at his eyes with a napkin. ‘Can’t speak.’
Nina had recovered enough that she could now take an appreciative sip of her spiced-pear martini. ‘Talking of which, what exactly did you say to Peter? He went quite pale.’
Noah waved a feeble hand, the laughter dying down to a few stray chuckles. ‘I told him you were an undercover trading standards officer sent in by the council to make sure they were complying with all aspects of Health and Safety after several customer complaints. And once that had softened him up, I told him that he was being a dick to a ten-year-old boy who was there to celebrate his birthday.’ Noah took a sip of his negroni. ‘I hate bullies and now that I’m in a position where I can stand up to them, I do.’
And there it was again: the reason why this could only ever be a non-date. Why would Noah ever want to willingly spend time with the sister of the boy who’d bullied him mercilessly when he hadn’t been able to stand up for himself? It was probably time to confess. Maybe she should start with mentioning how sorry Paul was – he’d texted Nina earlier that week reminding her of his offer to do free plumbing for Noah.
‘You’re very good with the pre-teen male demographic,’ was what Nina heard herself say. She rarely shied away from a confrontation, except, apparently, tonight. ‘Is this where you tell me that you have a couple of sons tucked away at home?’
‘Not that I know of.’ Noah shook his head again. ‘Actually, I can categorically state for the record that I have no children. Though I’m racking up an alarming number of godchildren and nephews and nieces. How about you?’
‘No godchildren,’ Nina said, because none of her friends had got around to reproducing yet, though she’d bet even odds that Posy would be pregnant before the end of next year. Sebastian was already talking about adding another wing to their already huge townhouse to accommodate the brood and though Posy usually rolled her eyes and told him to shut up, she didn’t seem averse to the idea of having children. ‘Nieces in the plural. My two favourite people in the world.’
Again, this was a perfect opportunity to bring up the father of those nieces but instead Nina pulled out her phone so Noah could admire Ellie and Rosie in a selection of princess and superhero outfits.
Then Noah showed Nina his nephews and one niece, who were still quite pint-sized and ranged in age from two to eighteen months to just hatched.
‘Kids don’t really give you a lot to work with until they’re at least a year old,’ he said. He flashed up another picture of two-year-old Archie. ‘This one didn’t start speaking until a few months ago though now he never stops. Mostly about trains. We took him to an adventure park with a Thomas the Tank Engine ride and he just about exploded.’ He picked up his almost empty glass. ‘Now, you, you were very good with our new best friends. Very indulgent when it came to the selfies.’
Before they’d parted company at Nando’s, Nina had agreed to numerous selfies with Sanjay’s friends and cousins. She’d refused the requests for kisses, but had gamely draped an arm around each of their shoulders so they’d have bragging rights back at school for having their picture taken with ‘a fit bird’.
‘My twelve-year-old fanbase are pretty easy to please,’ she said modestly. ‘It’s the grown-up boys that are real hard work. Present company excepted.’
‘I’ll take that as a compliment,’ Noah said lazily and he clinked their now empty glasses, and it was a compliment because being with Noah, in a non-work scenario, felt like the easiest thing in the world.
They’d been on two non-dates and Noah hadn’t even seen Nina in actual date mode, when her dresses were skin-tight and she was cleavage as far as the eye could see, but she still caught him giving her these appraising side glances, when he thought she wasn’t paying attention, like he was properly checking her out. And from the way his eyes darkened and he caught his bottom lip between his teeth, Noah liked what he saw.
Nina really should have brought up the non-date thing by now but actually this was all starting to feel quite date-like. Noah’s legs were brushing against hers under the table, not in a lecherous way, but because he had long legs and it felt as if they were both comfortable with each other now and yet it also felt thrilling, giddy, sexy.
‘You should take it as a compliment,’ Nina said slowly. ‘You are really nice.’
But I don’t think we should be anything more than friends.
But you do realise that this is a non-date.
But there’s something I have to tell you.
But I don’t have feelings for you. Not in that way.
But the buts never came. And Noah pulled a face. ‘Nice? Nice is a bit lukewarm, isn’t it?’
It was. Especially when your type could be filed under B for bad boy … ‘Nice is a bit of a welcome relief after some of the horror shows I’ve dated,’ Nina said truthfully. And then because this was going off-message fast and their glasses were empty, she stood up. ‘My round. Same again?’
Noah nodded and looked at her, thoughtfully this time, as Nina picked up her purse. She smiled at him a little warily and yes, she was a little regretful that she was wearing a big twirly skirt so that he couldn’t check out her hips as she walked away.
When Nina got back from the bar with their cocktails and with an order of nachos to come, her mind was made up. They’d talk of innocent, innocuous subjects like their assorted nieces and nephews, maybe even a bit of business analysis, but Noah didn’t even give her a chance to take the first sip of her drink.
‘So, you said that your dating hasn’t been entirely successful,’ he prompted.
Nina sighed. ‘It’s been an absolute disaster lately. Nothing but creeps and chancers. What about you? Are you on HookUpp?’
She was pretty sure Noah wasn’t because he would have come up in her matches when they were both at the shop together, unless Sebastian’s dating algorithms had decided that they were spectacularly incompatible.
But Noah was shaking his head. ‘I wouldn’t trust Sebastian not to hack into my account and either pair me up with some right shockers or completely rewrite my profile.’
Nina grinned. ‘I worry about that too. Worse! That he and Posy discuss my matches and dates over breakfast. “Nina’s not going to be fit for anything this morning. She was up-swiping past midnight.”’
‘So, you’re on HookUpp a lot?’ Noah asked carefully then fixed his eyes on his drink.
‘Well, yeah.’ Nina felt as if she was confessing to some terrible crime or a disgusting habit like one of her old
flatmates who used to pick at her toenails while she watched TV. ‘It’s the twenty-first century, it’s what people do. Not so many opportunities to lock eyes with someone across a crowded ballroom these days, is there?’ There was really no need to mention her new resolve to quit HookUpp and really redouble her efforts to find her one true love; it might give entirely the wrong message …
‘But it is pretty much for hooking up, not so much for relationships,’ Noah mused. He was still staring down at his glass like it was the most fascinating receptacle for liquid that he’d seen in a long while. ‘I mean, casual dating can be fun but sometimes it feels a bit like being on a hamster wheel. Going round and round in circles without achieving anything. You know what I mean?’
‘I’ve been on that hamster wheel for ages,’ Nina said with great feeling. ‘Stop the wheel, I want to get off!’ Then she realised how that sounded. ‘Not the rude kind of getting off …’
‘Though the rude kind of getting off can be fun,’ Noah said and he was looking up from his drink now, directly into Nina’s eyes, so she squirmed in her seat, stretching out her legs so she bumped knees with Noah under the table and just that incidental touch seemed to light a fire deep in her belly and made Nina squirm again. Now it was her turn to stare down at her glass because she knew that if she looked at Noah, she might do something silly. Giggle or blush or reach across the table to yank him closer so she could kiss him.
‘I don’t agree to any kind of funny business until the third date,’ she muttered with only five per cent of her usual sass.
Noah picked up his phone from the table. ‘I must make a note of that,’ he said in such a dark, drawly voice that Nina had to steel every muscle she possessed so she wouldn’t squirm for an unprecedented third time.
‘So, past relationships, have you had any?’ Nina asked baldly as she told herself sternly to calm the hell down. The only reason she felt so giddy every time Noah’s leg brushed against hers was because this was an actual second date after months of first dates that never went anywhere. The thought lifted her heart – a man! Not a Heathcliff, not by any stretch of the imagination, but a rare breed of man who didn’t think that getting the first round in counted as foreplay!
‘Yes, Nina, I have managed to persuade a few women to see me on a regular basis,’ Noah said gravely. ‘It was quite hard at Oxford, because all the girls were at least two years older than me and I still had acne and my beloved pocket protector but Sebastian gave me some tips on personal grooming and an introduction to a girl in his tutor group, a maths prodigy, who was also two years younger than anyone else.’
‘Sebastian is actually quite the nurturing sort,’ Nina said because Sebastian had taken Sam under his wing too and now Sam would only wear jumpers made of cashmere and no longer asphyxiated them all with the noxious smell of Lynx because he’d upgraded to asphyxiating them all with a Tom Ford cologne that he was only meant to use sparingly. ‘Did he tell you all about the birds and the bees too?’
‘Thankfully no, I don’t think either of us would ever have recovered. Anyway, I was with Laura for my last two years at Oxford, then I went travelling and she went off to do her masters degree at Durham and we agreed that the long-distance thing wasn’t practical. We’re still friends,’ Noah said and it sounded nice that his first relationship had been so cordial but it was hardly a story to stir the passions.
Noah went on to describe a couple of very casual relationships from his travelling days, then he’d moved to San Francisco and become part of the tech scene and a very work-heavy culture, and dated until he met ‘Patricia, who I was with for nearly four years. We broke up last summer before I came back to London,’ Noah said, but his attention was distracted by his empty glass. ‘Shall we get some more drinks and find out what’s happened to our nachos?’ So it was impossible to know how he felt about Patricia and the break-up.
Still, Nina was determined to find out. To see what lurked behind Noah’s mostly affable, occasionally sarcastic, exterior, so as soon as he came back from the bar with their drinks and with the news that apparently their nachos were on the way, she asked maybe a little too eagerly, ‘Did Patricia break your heart? Or did you break hers? Was it very painful?’
‘Well, during the big fight that led to our parting of the ways, she threw a Microsoft-branded stress ball at my head, which was painful,’ Noah said and he rubbed his right temple as if he could still feel the phantom pain. ‘But she was more cross with me than heartbroken.’
‘She sounds pretty heartbroken to me. You don’t throw stuff at the person you’re splitting up with if you don’t care,’ Nina said, because if something didn’t get broken (usually crockery or glassware, and once an iPhone) along with her heart then the relationship had hardly been worth it – and if Noah could rouse this kind of passion in his ex, then perhaps he might have hidden, Heathcliff-like depths.
‘Nope, definitely cross.’ Noah took a sip of his fresh G&T and wrinkled his nose. ‘See, Patricia was a planner. She had a one-year plan and a five-year plan, even a ten-year plan, and live-in boyfriend transitioning to husband then to father of her babies was an important part of the plan, but it felt like any spare man would do. Like, ticking the boxes was more important than being in love.’
Nina leaned closer. ‘So, you believe in love?’
‘I think so.’ Noah raised his glass to the elusive spirit of love. ‘But love doesn’t come with a five-year plan. It either happens or it doesn’t, right?’
‘So, I’m told,’ Nina said with a wistful sigh because she was also a huge believer in love but it always seemed to happen to other people.
‘And what about you? What’s been your longest relationship?’ Noah asked as he had every right to because Nina had been grilling him about his love life.
Five years, seven months, three weeks and six days, Nina could have replied because she used to be the sort of girl who would measure out a relationship in really specific terms. Like she deserved some sort of long-service medal when actually what made up a relationship was kisses and longing looks and staying up all night talking about everything and nothing, and rowing then storming off but running back into each other’s arms in the rain, and still getting that feeling that made you tingle when you’d been apart and were about to be reunited. That kind of thing.
‘It was a childhood sweetheart deal,’ she said breezily. ‘Started dating when we were practically children and then of course by the time we were all grown up we realised we had nothing in common.’
Noah sat up a little straighter. ‘Oh. Was he from Worcester Park too?’
Nina slumped in her seat as if she could shrink back into the leather-look red vinyl. ‘Yeah,’ she admitted unwillingly. ‘But I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have known him. He didn’t … he went … he kept himself to himself.’
Both of them flinched. Noah because the mention of their hometown must conjure up all sorts of barely repressed memories and Nina, because she knew that her brother had been the root cause of the agonies that Noah had suffered.
And as for Dan, Nina really didn’t remember him being involved in the bullying but then again, so few boys in their year were innocent bystanders.
Nina could hardly bear to think about how much pain, both physical and emotional, Noah would have been in while she walked the same corridors and playgrounds completely oblivious. God knows, she couldn’t bear to think about Dan either, not after their terrible break-up, and so it was easier to distract, divert, deflect.
Her usual tirade would do. ‘Anyway, that was then and this is now, and now I don’t want to settle down or settle for some all-right guy just so I can be in a “relationship”.’ Nina made scathing quote marks around the word. ‘I want more than that. It’s like I told you when we went out last week: I want passion. Life without passion is just existing.’
Noah blinked a few times like he had something in his eye. ‘I’m not sure I agree with you. You can still settle down and have the passion too, can’t you?’
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‘Well, yes, but—’
‘I mean, you can be madly and passionately in love but the two of you still need to pay your Council Tax and do a supermarket shop every now and again.’
‘I hear what you’re saying,’ Nina said in the time-honoured way of someone who violently disagreed with what was being said but didn’t want to cause a scene. ‘But that doesn’t sound very passionate to me.’
Noah grinned like he was enjoying playing devil’s advocate. Or maybe he wasn’t playing at all and was simply enjoying winding Nina up. ‘You could have passionate rows in the cereal aisle over whether to get cornflakes or Rice Krispies.’
It was very hard not to grin back, but Nina didn’t want to encourage Noah and also the subject of passion was something that she felt very serious about. Still, she did mutter, ‘Cheerios. Always Cheerios.’
Noah took pity on her. ‘You can’t have passion 24/7. You need more solid foundations to build love on. Unless you’d rather have passion than love.’
‘I want love too. Of course I do, doesn’t everyone?’ Nina asked with a sigh. ‘But then I don’t want to be in a relationship for two years, five years, ten years and it just becomes safe, dull, routine. That’s why Wuthering Heights resonated so much with me.’ Nina wasn’t going to say anything but the lingering adrenalin from their laser tag victory and the kick of her spiced-pear martinis was loosening her lips. ‘I was stuck in a safe, dull relationship and my whole life was heading in the same safe, dull direction and around the same time I read Wuthering Heights and I realised that I had to jump off before it was too late.’
‘Jump off what?’
The matrimonial merry-go-round, Nina almost said but she shook her head. They were only two non-dates, two dates, in and it was too soon to bare her soul and share all of its darkest secrets. ‘That relationship I was telling you about. I ended it because I realised that I was twenty and for the first time in my life I needed to listen to what my heart wanted, not what everyone else told me I should want. And my heart wanted passion. God, I’d never been passionate about anything before that, except never eating carbs. It was no way to live.’
Crazy in Love at the Lonely Hearts Bookshop Page 16