Raising Ryland
Page 13
After giving it a second’s thought, Jeff looks at me. He nods. We’re both convinced now that this transition needs to happen sooner rather than later. I find myself tearing up as I tell Darlene, “In my heart and my gut, I’ve known the truth about Ryland. We just needed a professional to back us up and confirm what we already knew was best.”
“I completely get that,” she says. “And if you’d like, I can begin to guide you in how to begin the transition—how does that sound?”
“Yes, please,” Jeff says, as I dab the corners of my eyes to catch my tears. “That would be great.”
With an approach that is equal parts straightforward and gentle, Darlene starts to use pronouns that refer to Ryland as a male—he, him, and his, instead of she, her, and hers. At first I silently cringe at the thought of getting used to this, but slowly, cautiously, we begin to follow suit to adopt the male pronouns. In this environment, led by a professional, there’s enough room for adjustment not to hurt Ryland’s feelings.
It is extremely awkward at first. It’s like a foreign language—and without even looking at him, I know that Jeff feels similarly. Darlene explains that as challenging as this may be for us, other people will follow our lead in referring to Ryland as a boy. When they slip up and refer to Ryland as “she,” it will be up to us to correct them.
At the end of the appointment, she tells us, “I know how difficult this part of the journey can be, but look at you two, already correcting yourselves. It’s very impressive!”
Jeff and I exchange a humble smile, relieved to be feeling like we’re doing the right thing for Ryland. Darlene sends us off with the recommendation to arrange meetings with Ryland’s teacher, principal, speech therapist, and school psychologist, which I do as soon as we get home. I also send an email to Jenn, Gianna’s mom, to share the status of all that’s been going on. It has been a whirlwind around here, I tell her. We have finally figured out that Ryland is a transgender boy. As soon as I type it, I acknowledge the certainty of it for the first time, and it’s as though I have released an unwieldy balloon into the sky. The truth is out. The truth will set us free.
But first, it will test our strength.
ON JANUARY 15, 2013, we decide to execute the task that will be the first step in the official transition and that may evolve everything at turbo speed: getting Ryland’s hair cut. We just don’t quite know how to go about it.
This will be a pivotal experience in Ryland’s life, and Jeff doesn’t want to cause a stir at his barbershop down the street, with its staff of very devout Catholic men who speak mostly Spanish. I understand, but I can sense that this is his way of cowering and it upsets me. “Why don’t I just cut it!” I tell him one night, fresh out of patience. I turn to Ryland. “Ry, do you want me to cut your hair?”
Ryland’s eyes light up.
“Hill, wait—don’t you think we should have it done professionally?”
“Well, you won’t take her—I mean him—down to your barber.” We have begun to correct ourselves on pronouns . . . constantly.
“Okay,” he says, “fine. Maybe just a little. What if we just do a shorter girl’s cut to start?”
I shrug, exasperated.
“Ryland,” Jeff says, “come sit down. Mom’s going to cut your hair.” Ryland looks at us both with wide eyes, his hopes about to come true. “But there’s something we need to explain first. Some people may not understand why you’ve cut your hair, okay? And you’ll just have to tell them you like it shorter.”
Ryland looks up at me and I ask him, “Are you sure you want to do this, honey?”
Ry nods.
I gently pull Ryland’s long, beautiful, blond hair into a ponytail, past his cochlear receivers, which are colored with adhesive “skins” that are decorated with characters from his favorite cartoon: Power Rangers. I take a deep breath—his hair is like corn silk in my palm. Then, very carefully, I begin to snip across the hair that falls immediately above the nape of his neck. The snips are taking effort, which prolongs the process and makes me even more emotional. This could be the last time I ever see my child with long hair. It feels monumental, but so scary at the same time.
Then, suddenly, Ryland breaks down. Jeff and I look at each other in confusion as he wails with loud, hysterical sobs. “What is it, honey?”
He begins to shake uncontrollably and cry. “No!” he says. “Put it back on! Put it back on!” Our child stands with his back to me, hysterical, now with hair that is just below his ear on the right and shoulder length on the left.
“I can’t leave it like this!” I tell Jeff.
“Honey,” Jeff says. “We thought you would be so happy to have your hair cut short; wasn’t this what you wanted?”
Ryland is sobbing so hard that he can’t communicate what’s going on. Eventually we convince him to let me finish the cutting job, telling him that it’s not too horribly short. But it’s not until we see Darlene Tando the following week that we understand what actually happened.
We didn’t realize it at the time, but we pushed our fears for what others would think onto Ryland when Jeff warned him that people might not understand it. We were trying to protect Ryland by forewarning him of people’s judgments; trying to help him anticipate what people might say and strategize how he could explain the haircut—but instead of setting him up to win, our idea just confirmed that he should be worried about what other people think of him. We alerted him to fear rejection from his classmates, and we made it his job to defend his reason for doing it. Now, with Darlene’s insight, we understand: that was supposed to be our job. “So we should have said something like, ‘Ryland, you will look so handsome with short hair! You are going to rock short hair!’”
Darlene gives us a forgiving wince. “Well, yes,” she says. “That might have been a better approach.” Instead, we warned Ryland that others may not like it or understand him. This is a moment of learning for us when Darlene explains, “It’s best to avoid warning Ryland of others’ opinions again. It will teach him that others’ opinions are more important than his own feelings.” Darlene says that we need to embrace him and support him as a boy, and only allow positive people and energy to come into our world. It’s our job now to be the best protectors and the biggest fans of our child—our boy. In things I’ve read and in our support group, I’ve heard parents say that they’re waiting for their child to initiate the transition—but kids are kids! They won’t initiate the transition without their parents’ blessing. It’s our responsibility, mine and Jeff’s, to establish how we expect people to treat Ryland, the boy.
Jeff takes Ryland down to a kids’ salon and has his hair evened out into a cut that falls just beneath his ears. Ryland returns home beaming. I’m amazed at how everything has just changed, but my child is still absolutely beautiful.
Now, with Ryland presenting as a boy, we know that we have to address it. Imagine running into someone we know—friends of friends, one of Ryland’s former teachers, someone from the cochlear implant team—who’s speechless and baffled because the Ryland they knew was a little girl dressed in frills and bows. I would feel the heat of the blood start to fill my face as I struggle to find the words to explain what was going on, without also offending my now-son standing before them.
I admit this is more of my own fear of others’ judgment, but also, it could hurt Ryland severely if they react to him negatively. I begin to force myself to get past this fear of judgment. I know my child’s life depends on how I demonstrate courage in each scenario we face. I cannot avoid running into people who knew us before the transition—we’re a familiar family in a close community. It’s inevitable.
In hopes that it will alleviate much of the stress of trying to explain our five-year story to all of them, Jeff and I decide that it’s necessary to write a letter and send it to everyone we know—our family, friends, neighbors, a very select few of Jeff’s coworkers who know Ryland and our situation extremely well. This letter will need to answer any questions before anyon
e even has the opportunity to ask. I’ve heard so many questions already, and for the last three years we’ve grown exhausted of bold and uninformed comments that people have given us unsolicited: “It’s a phase!” “Take the boy stuff away!” or “It’s okay, she’s a tomboy.” No, no, no. I’m so tired of hearing everyone’s opinion and questions. It’s time for me to take a stand. The letter is intended to set a boundary, and I intend to stick to it.
For guidance, I refer to the book The Transgender Child and the website genderspectrum.com. Then, bearing in mind the things Darlene has taught us about the importance of Ryland’s emotional well-being, with Jeff’s help I craft the following message:
Dear Friends and Family,
This is an incredibly difficult letter to write. As you all know, Ryland was a late talker due to her Deaf diagnosis at 13 months old. But, from the moment Ryland could hear and speak—at around 20 months of age—she would scream, “I am a boy!” until she would break down into tears. We thought it was a little odd, but we laughed it off. We also thought it to be simply a phase, but this behavior has continued and strengthened over time. Our concern has led Jeff and I to seek help from numerous professionals and countless resources to help us discover the root of Ryland’s consistent expression as a boy. Many of you have seen them, and there are certainly more examples than I can write, but a few of the instances that stood out are:
• Hiding in Jeff’s closet so she could put his clothes on while making me promise not to tell anyone that she was a boy. Her shame was very unsettling at such a young age!
• Temper tantrums starting at age 2, whenever we made Ryland wear dresses, skirts, or female Halloween costumes. We initially thought this was her being a spoiled brat, but later realized it was more about the pain of looking like a girl than Ryland being a defiant child.
• Self-portraits are always male.
• Only desiring typically male toys and colors.
• Refusing to wear girls’ bathing suits beginning at age 2. Wanting to wear no shirt.
• Trying to stand up to urinate on multiple occasions.
• Desiring and hiding in order to wear boys’ underpants (she had an accident and borrowed a pair of boys underwear at a friend’s house).
• Purposefully ripping her girl hat she made at school, so she didn’t have to wear it.
• Not wanting to go to fun events if she had to be a girl (in dress).
• Obsessing over and questioning gender in strangers that have gender-neutral looks.
• Always choosing to be the “dad” when playing house with friends.
Though these may seem trivial to some, the turning point came this last December when Ryland saw the return address labels I personalized for our family Christmas card. Ryland burst into tears when she saw that her personalized character had long, blond hair. She began crying, “Mom, how could you make me look like that?! You gave me long hair and made me look like a girl!” I didn’t know how to respond. She continued to cry that night in bed and through the tears and a quivering lip she said to me, “Mom, when our family dies, I will cut my hair so I can be a boy.” Ryland obviously did not want to disappoint us by transitioning to a boy while we (her family) were still alive. It made my heart break to think that Ryland would think she had to wait until we died to be who she really felt she was inside! The next day continued with sadness when she said, “Why did God make me this way? Why didn’t He make me a boy?” Again, I didn’t know how to answer my baby, but I knew I couldn’t hide this pain anymore.
As mentioned above, I began reading books, watching documentaries, contacting multiple agencies, and sought as many professionals as I could find. Jeff and I have met with the leading specialists and doctors, attended support groups, talked to families with similar stories, and researched as much as possible. We have determined that Ryland is a transgender child.
Although Ryland was physically born with female anatomy, her brain is that of a boy.
Jeff and I will be the first to admit that we struggle with it sometimes—not because we are ashamed of him in any way, but because it makes us worry for his safety: we stick out; people stare and comment. The natural instinct is to blend in; no one likes to be the one everyone is whispering about! We are constantly having to weigh the importance of validating Ryland’s feelings about who he is (that is, not stifling his need to do boy things) and doing everything possible to make sure that he doesn’t begin to think there is something “wrong” with him. As parents of a transgender child, it’s frightening to know that there is only so much we can do to protect Ryland’s self-esteem from a sometime harsh and demonizing world. What we do know, however, is that living in secrecy and shame is not good for any of us.
We are providing this letter because, if it were you having issues in your family that were as important as this, we would want to understand what those issues were and be able to be informed and supportive. Along those lines, there is a lot more information out there about gender variance than I have summarized here and if you are interested we are happy to share.
Below, there are a couple of resources that you might find of interest and we can certainly share other resources if you desire to read more.
We know that if we had said nothing at all, you would accept and love Ryland just as he is. Now that we have said something, I also know that you will choose to either support or not support our decision to let Ryland live as a boy. This means we are listening to Ryland’s request to present as a boy in appearance and to be referred to as he/him. If you DO decide to support us, please also support our decision to let Ryland express himself freely, decide what to wear, and present to the world as he chooses. We expect that you will love, play, discipline, and enjoy him in every way possible, and encourage him to be the happiest and best person he is capable of being. He should not get any extra slack for being different—he needs to learn from each of you how to behave like a good person and that is what we hope you will teach him.
These are the things we try to do to support Ryland, and to help him build a strong character and sense of self: We hope you, our family and friends, will help us in doing everything possible to see that he aspires to great things. For now, we just want our home and our friends’ and families’ homes to be his “safe” places where he can be himself. To that end, we ask you to:
• Love him for who he is.
• Validate him—whenever it comes up or there is conversation, let him know that you know it to be true that there is more than one way to be a boy or a girl, that you imagine it is hard that some kids don’t get how you feel, etc.
• Encourage his individuality (you look handsome in that suit) and avoid stereotypical comments.
• Acknowledge and celebrate difference—he is different and knows it and there is nothing to be ashamed of—when he wants to talk about it, talk about it; give examples of how you are different or how being different can be great!
• Try and deal with your own judgments—recognize your own internal issues about gender and how they play in to your feelings about Ry.
• Be Ryland’s advocate—if you are with him in a situation where something is awkward—someone is teasing or judgmental—speak up for him, and help him speak up for himself.
• No victim blaming—Ryland is not responsible for other people’s intolerance—neither he nor we, his family/friends, have to “accept” that people are going to be judgmental; nor does he/we have to constantly be hiding who he is in order to fit in. When people tease, bully, or are intolerant, they are the ones at fault. Not Ryland.
• Think about acceptance in other things that you do—making the world OK for Ryland means we all have to work on squashing eons of ingrained stereotypes; think of ways to line up or sort people other than “boys in one line, girls in another.” Advocate for others who are different and struggling. Examine the world around you and step up/speak out when someone is treated unfairly or unjustly because they are not like you and don’t blend in.
We are sure that this may be confusing for some of you. It certainly was for us at the beginning and caused us many tears and sleepless nights. What we have learned, however, is that most children realize their “true gender” between 3 to 5 years of age. This has been the case with many families we have met on similar journeys with their children. We have also learned that our child’s transgender identity is not a result of our parenting style, family structure, or environmental factors and that there is nothing anyone can do to change a child’s gender identity. This is not just a phase for Ryland or something that he will outgrow. All of the research has shown that therapeutic attempts to change the child into an acceptance of the born gender are both unsuccessful and detrimental to the child’s mental health. Simple fixes, such as removing all of the male clothing and toys and forcing Ryland into living as a girl, were both examined and found to be full of more harm than good. Our goals for Ryland are the same as when we brought him home from the hospital: to be happy, feel good about himself, to find what he is good at, and to know that he is loved unconditionally. These goals have not changed now that we recognize Ryland’s gender identity.
We are aware of the uphill journey ahead for our now son, and for our entire family, but the alternative of denying who he is puts him at a high risk of depression, anxiety, sexual acting out, substance abuse, and suicide. These are not options for us. Studies have shown that transgender people who have been raised without support for their gender identity have an attempted suicide rate of 41%, while the national average is 1.9%. We will not choose to be unsupportive of our son and hope that he will not fall into the 41%. We will do anything in our power to make sure he is part of the 59% that never attempts to take his own life. Our love and support for Ryland is complete. We hope yours will be, too, since family and friends are so important to us and will be to Ryland as he goes through this transition. He needs to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he is loved as a boy, just as he was as a girl. If you would like to learn more about gender-nonconforming or transgender children, some recommended books are “The Transgender Child” by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper, and “Gender Born, Gender Made—Raising Healthy Gender-Nonconforming Children” by Dr. Diane Ehrensaft. We have also found the website Gender Spectrum very helpful: http://www.genderspectrum.org/.