Regret Me Not

by Danielle Sibarium

  Brayden's quiet, the air around us heavy, weighed down with silence.

  "Way to come back."

  He gives me a quick sideward glance. "You think?"

  I nod. "I do. You were great."

  "Thanks," he says in a quiet voice.

  "Listen, if you want to take me home, I understand."

  "Why would I want to do that?"

  "Because Scott was a dick."

  "Did you tell him to throw the game?"

  "No."

  "Do you have secret mind control powers over him that I don't know about?"

  "Of course not."

  "Did you replace the real Scott Stevens with an uncoordinated cyborg?"

  I giggle, feeling much more comfortable than I did a few minutes earlier.

  "I didn't think so. So why are you apologizing?"

  "I just feel like he wouldn't have done that if I weren't at the game, and if we weren't . . ." the air is thick again. I don't know how to finish that sentence. There really isn't anything going on between us, but the more time I spend with him, the more I want there to be. "Going to the party together."

  Again silence.

  "Brayden," I feel a pulling in my chest. Why can't I let things be and see how they play out? "Why have you been so nice to me this week?"

  He shrugs. "I like how I feel around you. I can be myself."

  "How is that different than how you are with everyone else? You're one of the few guys in school that everyone likes."

  "Sure, everyone likes me because they want to be associated with Brayden Turner football superstar, future NFLer. You don't seem to care about any of that."

  "How do you know?"

  He chuckles. "The way you spoke to me last week. You were snippy, just the way you are to everyone else."

  "So is that what you want?" I tease, "For me to be snippy with you?"

  Brayden reaches over and squeezes my hand. "I just want you to be yourself. Don't try to be anything else."

  Chapter 5

  Getting Closer

  We sit with the same crowd, in the same basement we were in for the last party. Unlike the week before, the music isn't blaring and the crowd is subdued. All eyes turn to us as we walk in together. Scott doesn't hesitate; he walks right over to us.

  "What the hell is she doing here?"

  "I invited her."

  "Why?"

  "She's my friend."

  "Fuck toy is more like it."

  Brayden's hand is around Scott's throat in no time. "I've had enough of you tonight."

  A few of the guys jump up and separate them. "Dude, he's not worth it." Josh presses against Brayden's chest.

  Brayden nods, his face red. Slowly he lets go of Scott. His eyes sear into his teammate. "Back the fuck off."

  "I can't believe you're choosing her over your friends. Over the team."

  "There's no choice. I'm here. I did my part. You're the one that fucked up. You cost us the game, not me."

  Scott looks around at the rest of the guys. "Is that how you all feel?" No one answers. Instead, the inquiring eyes just focused on the scuff turn away. "Yeah, whatever. I'm out of here."

  I step back, away from Brayden as his friends encroach and surround him. I can't remember ever feeling more uncomfortable in my life. I want to leave, but I can't ask Brayden to take me home yet. Not after what just happened. Josh is by Brayden's side, he's not an option either. I wish I could just fly away somewhere and disappear. I imagine the rest of the guys are pissed at me, too. Not pissed that I'm with Brayden or friends with him, or whatever they deem we are, but because I came between friends and I'm causing strife on a team set to break records.

  "You okay?" Olivia slings her arm over my shoulder, and leans her head against mine.

  I nod pulling myself together. It's one thing for Olivia to realize I'm shaken from the incident with Scott. I need to put my game face on. I don't want anyone else to see it, especially not Brayden.

  "We were only together for like two weeks. What the hell is his problem anyway?"

  "Don't mind him. He's embarrassed." Josh answers. Before he speaks I don't even realize Josh is standing there. A minute ago he was with Brayden. "He's used to being the one to walk away. It was bad enough you pushed him off you in front of all of us when he kissed you, but then you left without saying anything. And you left with Brayden. The guys went off on him, and I don't know if he'll ever live it down."

  Brayden breaks away from his posse and stands next to me with a beer in his hand.

  "He really got to you didn't he?" I ask looking from his eyes to the open bottle and back.

  He leans in and whispers close to my ear, "It's for show really. If I don't at least act the part it looks suspicious."

  He tilts the bottle in my direction offering it to me. I take a long sip and hand it back meeting his once again playful eyes. Knowing he's back to his calm, level headed self, I feel much better.

  Between the two of us, we eventually down half a beer, with me drinking most of it. We stay at the party long enough for the guys to start joking around and acting like nothing happened. When Brayden isn't nearby, I make it my business to seek out Olivia. Josh understands and finds an excuse to leave us alone each time.

  "C'mon, time to ditch this awesomeness." Brayden teases.

  With my hand in his, Brayden leads me up the steps and out the door. My stomach flips and my chest tightens as he leads me straight to his car. Hesitating just a moment, Brayden steps in close to me as he opens my door, closer than he has to. Our bodies are only centimeters away, we're not touching, but I can feel a thin veil of energy coming to life between us. I stand frozen as I look into his eyes. They meet mine and something passes between us before his eyes fall to my slightly parted lips. I wonder what he's thinking, if he has the same tantalizing thoughts racing through his mind, but then he turns away. The moment is gone. Instead of engaging in an earth shattering kiss, he heads around to his side of the car.

  The letdown of the moment stings. He wanted to kiss me, I saw it. I have no idea why he changed his mind. Neither of us say much on the drive, making the ten minute ride seem a lot longer than it is. Almost at my house, Brayden pulls over to a dark, desolate spot at the end of my block. I wonder why he chose to park there. I hear Scott's words "fuck toy," ring out in my head. Is he right? Is that what Brayden is after?

  "Can I ask you something?"

  Is he going to ask my permission before he makes a move? It surprises me, and I feel my heart react to him again. I don't expect him to talk, I expect, no I want him to lean over and try to kiss me.

  "Of course."

  "What happened to your sister?"

  "Excuse me?" I snap, immediately on the defensive.

  Brayden places his warm hand over mine. "I've heard about how smart and beautiful she was. The things I've heard about her, sort of remind me of you. I'm just curious, what happened to change that?"

  "Nothing much. She fell in love with an asshole. That's all."

  I open my door.

  "Kenzie, wait!" I feel his hand on my arm.

  "What do you want, Brayden?"

  "Nothing." His eyes fall, and I know he's lying. When he meets my eyes again I give him a knowing look, and he changes his tune. "You. Okay? I want you."

  "Too bad. I'm not on the auction block." Hurt, disappointed, and angry, I jump out of the car and walk the rest of the way home. Brayden's car moves at a snail’s pace beside me.

  "I'm sorry, Kenzie," he calls through his window. "C'mon, get back in, I just want to talk."

  With a lump in my throat and an ache in my chest, I keep walking, thinking it would be better to ignore him. Better to let him go back to his team, back to his friends. I'm not important in his life. He needs to focus on school and football, and I need to keep my distance, because the last thing I can handle is falling for Brayden Turner.

  *

  As the weekend speeds by, my mind keeps drifting back to the moment we had by his car. I replay all the t
hings I could've done to change the outcome. I could've stepped into him, bringing us chest to chest. I could've reached up and touched his face, or just all out pressed my lips against his. I wanted it, yet I freaked out when he parked. I know I have to apologize. I doubt Brayden will accept it. I wouldn't if I were him. Too chicken to face the consequences of my actions before I have to, I don't call him. I decide to wait until I see him in school Monday morning.

  Entering the building, I wonder if he'll avoid me. My head throbs. I nibble on my bottom lip worrying about how he'll act when I see him. I don't have to wait long to find out. As I approach my locker, Brayden is leaning with his back against it, knee bent waiting for me.

  I meet his golden brown eyes. They're much more serious than I'm used to, and I feel my insides tremble.

  "I'm sorry," I spit out before he can say anything.

  "You can't apologize."

  My stomach sinks. He won't accept my apology, he probably regrets siding with me against Scott. I expect him to make a big show of telling me to stay away from him. Looking into those eyes, those deep brown pools, I feel the letdown of disappointment. I won't have this close up view of him much longer. I don't know what to say.

  "That's what I'm doing here," he takes my hand in his.

  And just like that, Friday night is behind us.

  *

  "Don't think he actually likes you."

  I hear the voice but don't realize she's directing the words at me. Too focused on finding my math book in my overstuffed locker, I don't pay much attention until I feel fingers close around my arm.

  "Do not ignore me."

  I turn to find Alana in my face. I've never seen her this close up before. Remembering how comfortable she was on Brayden's lap before he drove me to the hospital, I take a good look at her, sizing up my competition. Her brown eyes spaced too far apart, aren't warm and gooey. In sharp contrast to Brayden's, they're dark and cold. Her blond hair is dull, as if it needs a dye job to pick it up and revitalize it. Instead of adding to her looks, it takes away from them, making her look ordinary, like just another average blonde in a sea of them.

  "What? Are you too dumb to speak?" She smirks like she just came up with the best insult ever.

  I pull my arm free from her grasp. "Unless you want me to wipe the floor with your face you better not touch me again."

  "Please do. I mean I'd love for you to try. You won't get very far, but when the teachers and principal come into the hall to see what's wrong, I can prove to everyone that you're just as unstable as your junkie sister. Your ass will be kicked out of school and Brayden will forget you exist."

  "Alana!"

  We both turn to the booming voice and find Brayden next to us.

  "Come on, you know it's true. You can't possibly see anything in her . . ."

  I take a step away, but Brayden pulls me back and with his arm around my shoulder holds me close.

  "Kenzie and I are none of your business."

  "That's where you're wrong. You are my business. Whether you realize it or not."

  "Did you hear that?" I ask looking at Brayden. "Talk about being unstable, she sounds pretty desperate it you ask me."

  I wait for Brayden to tell me I'm out of line. I assume he'll stick up for the cheerleader, after all they're sort of an extension of the football team.

  Alana smirks again. Another evil grin that sends shivers up my spine. "I get it, she's as easy as her sister. She's the girl you get off on. The one you . . ."

  Brayden lets go of me and leans over Alana, using his height to intimidate her. "Shut your mouth before I have you kicked off the squad."

  "You couldn't."

  "Try me."

  "You know, when you're tired of her, you'll be begging me for another chance, and I might just have to turn you down." With a flip of her hair, and the shaking of her ass, Alana is gone.

  "Yeah, that pretty much screams desperate."

  During our confrontation, the hall filled with curious bystanders and inquiring minds stare and whisper. I pretend I don't see or hear them. Hoping to drown them all out I drop my eyes until they realize the show is over and start to clear out. Brayden looks nervous when our eyes meet again. "I'm sorry."

  "Did you tell her to attack me in the hall?"

  "No."

  "Did you stick your hand up her ass to make her mouth move and use ventriloquy?"

  "Of course not." The corners of his lips draw up into a smile.

  "Did you implant an evil life form in her when I wasn't looking?"

  "What do you think?"

  "I think there's no reason for you to apologize for her."

  "C'mon, let me walk you to class."

  "Won't you be late?"

  He shrugs. "It'll be worth it."

  At the end of class, I see Brayden standing in the hall, waiting. My pulse quickens. Trying not to let myself embrace the excitement ricocheting around in my veins, I look around to make sure one of his friends isn't in the class with me. When our eyes meet, I have no doubt he came to see me.

  "I was wondering," he starts speaking as we head for my next class. "Anyone else giving you shit about us spending time together?"

  "No. I mean besides the dirty looks I get from Scott."

  "It's best just to ignore Scott. That's what I do. But if anyone else even thinks about giving you a hard time, let me know."

  I nod. At that point I expect him to turn and leave. Instead he remains by my side.

  *

  I don't notice at first how that day changes everything. From that moment on he walks me to every class. It slips my attention that his habit of stopping at my lunch table to say, "Hi," turns into Brayden swinging his leg over the bench and having a regular seat next to me. Suddenly it’s no longer Olivia, me and the other girls laughing it up at the table. We are now a rowdy foursome, Olivia and I paired off with Josh and Brayden.

  Either I'm oblivious or delirious as I don't notice how over the next two months Brayden becomes a part of everything I do. I spend the last five minutes of each class smoothing my hair, and adjusting my clothes as I anticipate seeing him. Hanging out after the football games turns into him picking me up for school every morning and driving me home. I enjoy talking to him late at night until I can't keep my eyes open. I always seem to be the one who needs to sleep. He texts me random bad one line jokes when we're not together. He's the person I most look forward to seeing, and the one I miss the most on the weekend days when I'm forced to spend family time at home.

  Our friendship is comfortable, and yet even though I won't admit it to my friends, the way my heart races at the thought of him, I know already I consider him to be more than just a friend. Not knowing how he feels or what he wants, I keep myself in check and try my best not to let on how deep under my skin he is.

  Early in November I find an anonymous note stuffed into my locker. "Tell your sister I'll trade a hit for a happy ending." Of course it isn't signed, and no one is going to claim responsibility for it. I understand its purpose is to unnerve me, to send me off with my tail between my legs. Too bad, I'm not about to go anywhere. While I can't prove Alana is behind it, she looks way too happy passing me in the halls. I know she has something to do with it.

  "Are you sure you're alright? You're very quiet today," Brayden asks as he pulls up in front of my house.

  I nod. I'm not ready to leave him. Being around him and all the positive energy that oozes out of him helps me forget how upset I am. He makes everything seem so much better and brighter. I want more time with him.

  "Would you like to come in?"

  "Ooh, I finally get an invitation into the house."

  "What? Are you a vampire that you're celebrating an invitation?" I tease. "You should've mentioned sooner that you wanted one."

  "That would've made a difference?"

  "No." I lie.

  I know my mother isn't home. She sent me a text message earlier that she had errands to run. I think that's code for Jessica stuff. I assume the
y're together. I never want to invite Brayden in when they're home. The last thing I want is to give him any insight into just how dysfunctional my family really has become. Hearing rumors is one thing, seeing it first hand; I don't think I could handle that. After jumping out of his car at the mention of my sister, Brayden never asked anything about Jessica or my family again.

  I warn him to park down at the curb instead of in the driveway in case my mother comes home early, but I have no doubt that I'll get him to leave before she returns. The first thing I hear when we enter the house is my sister calling to my mother.

  "Mom, is that you?"

  She walks in from the living room wearing a skimpy pair of shorts I think she had since the eighth grade that make her legs look like they're never ending, and a tank top that's hugging, clinging to her every curve. Jess has her brown hair pulled up in a ponytail, and she's carrying a bowl of ice cream in her hand, the spoon in her mouth, acting like it's the middle of summer. Seeing me with Brayden, she blinks her large grey eyes a few times. I wish I had the power to blink my eyes and make her disappear.

  "What are you doing here?" I ask, stunned and terrified to see her standing before me.

  "I live here, smart ass."

  "I know, but I thought you were with Mom."

  "Oh, so Little Miss Perfect is sneaking her boyfriend in the house for some sexy time?" Her eyebrows wiggle up and down.

  "Shut up. It's not like that."

  She chuckles, "Sure it's not. It's nice to see that the good daughter has a bad side to her, too," she taunts.

  I turn away from Jess and attempt to put my focus back on Brayden. "I'm sorry, I had no idea she'd be here."

  He smiles a warm, flirty smile, at me. I'm so nervous Jessica is going to turn him off to me, my hands tremble. If Brayden notices he doesn't show it. Instead the bright light inside him that draws people to him like moths to a flame shines through. "It's fine, Kenzie. Hi Jessica, I'm Brayden," he steps closer to her and extends his hand.

  Her eyes open a bit wider. For a moment she doesn't make a move, she doesn't do anything. "Hey, Brayden."

  "It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard so much about you." I'm surprised by the kindness and sincerity in his tone. There's nothing demeaning or mocking about it.