His words, his anger, they're slicing me open, causing internal bleeding.
"I didn't throw you away. I couldn't."
He grabs my arms. His eyes have a stronger hold on me than his hands. "Is there someone else?"
"Of course not."
"Then why? Why did you just give up?"
"Because when a situation is hopeless that's what I do. Even if you're perfect and do everything you can to make me believe, I can't, because I don't. I don't believe in true love or that we can beat the odds. Those ideas aren't realistic. They don't work in the real world. We're young and separated by distance. It's not a great distance, but it's far enough, and sooner or later you'll realize you want to be with other people.
"We're not that far. And if that were true I wouldn't be here tonight. I'd be back in my dorm room, hooking up with those girls my roommate brought back." I'm grateful he decides to stop there. I already hate his roommate and the thought of "those girls." "I didn't have to go away to college to cheat on you. I had plenty of opportunity right here at home."
I look away. I know it’s true, but it hurts to hear. I don't need to travel far back in my memories to visualize Alana hanging on him like a baby monkey on its mother. She was one of many. He could've had anyone.
"But you don't care. You moved on."
"It's because I do care that I let go. I tried to do what was best for you, too."
"What was best for me? That was something we could've decided together." He shakes his head and moves toward the door. "You know what, it doesn't matter."
"It does matter." I can't let him leave, not with raw pain pouring out of his eyes. "You came all the way here to prove to yourself that I still love you when you could've asked me over the phone, I'd say it matters a lot."
"It would be too easy for you to lie over the phone. I had to come look into your eyes; see how it felt when you kissed me. I know those are things you can't fake."
"There's no one else. There never has been."
"Then what is it?"
I turn from him.
I squeeze my eyes closed. I want to tell him, I want to open up and let the words flow from my mouth like water from a faucet, free and unrestrained, but there's nothing more I could say to make him understand. When it comes right down to it, I'm a coward, that's all, end of story. I open my eyes and he's standing right in front of me. His arms slip around my waist, and he leans his forehead against mine.
"You're so worried that I'll hurt and forget you, that you missed how you destroyed me."
"Please don't say that." Still searching for words, I shake my head. "Don't ever say that."
"It's true."
"Don't think for a minute this is easy for me. I think about you every minute of the day, and go to sleep hoping I'll be lucky enough to dream about you. I constantly wonder who you're with and what you're doing. I think about calling you and hanging up just so I can hear your voice. I just want to know that I'm on your mind. And even though it makes no sense, I want you to know all this without me having to tell you. I want you to know that without you my world is cold and empty. My heart is shriveling up like a raisin."
"Then why do you act like you're completely over me?"
"I'm not over you. I'm far from over you."
He leans in for another kiss. This one is sweet and tender. I find myself holding on tight; I don't want him to slip away again.
"Trust me." He looks deep into my eyes. Into my soul as well. "I think I've earned that."
"It was easy for me to trust you before. We went to the same school, we were together all the time. But now . . ."
"Now is where the trust comes in. You were comfortable before; it was convenient. I'm starting to wonder if you ever trusted me."
"Of course I did."
"Look, if I wanted to be with someone else I wouldn't be here right now. Kenzie, I haven't even looked at anyone since we've been together. Give me a chance. Homecoming is in a month. Let's agree to have an open mind and reevaluate then."
"I don't know if I can do that."
"Yes. You can." He pauses. "You are coming aren't you?" I hear a hint of anger in his voice and hesitate answering. "Damn it, you promised me."
"I promised, only if you wanted me to come. There's still time for you to change your mind."
"My mind won't change. Understand?"
I nod.
"If we still feel like this in a month, we get back together. End of story."
"I don't . . ." I try to speak, but as his lips press against mine, they silence any protests I have.
"Come on, Kenzie."
"Okay, fine."
He pulls me into his body for a long hug. It's different than when he held me earlier. His arms are warm and welcoming, no longer desperate and full of need. He pulls me over to my bed, and thoughts I shouldn't allow start swimming in my mind.
Brayden sits, stretches out his long legs and pulls me down next to him.
"Talk to me."
"About?"
"I don't care. Anything. Tell me what's been going on in your life."
"Besides missing you?"
He smiles and squeezes his arms tighter around me. "Tell me all about your classes. I want to know everything."
"Guess who I'm lucky enough to have a class with?" I begin.
Two hours pass in the span of five minutes. I know eventually he'll have to leave, I just never realized how soon eventually was, or how much it would hurt to see him go.
Chapter 10
Back to the Present
The lights in the garage flick on. I'm busted. It doesn't matter, I fucked everything up with Brayden again, and whoever came looking for me will forget about my meager problems as soon as Jessica snaps her fingers. I sniffle trying to pull myself together. Maybe if I stay quiet they'll leave. I can only hope, I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to have to explain. Tired and beaten down by life, I don't want any of it anymore.
The car door opens. Jessica stands there, her eyes squinted as she looks down at me in my homecoming dress.
"Rough night?"
I can't answer. I sit up and let the tears fall again. What she does next surprises me more than if she told me she was going hunting in the snow wearing nothing but a bra and panties. She climbs in the back seat with me.
"Huh, I almost forgot what it looks like back here," she jokes, then puts her arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. "It's okay to cry you know. Sometimes life just sucks."
I snort as I laugh. It seems so ridiculous that she's giving me advice, yet she is. I miss her. We were never close, but still I miss being able to go to her when I have a problem. I lean against her shoulder not crying, not laughing, just allowing my sister to comfort me.
"What are you thinking about?" Jessica asks after a long stretch of silence between us.
"I'm thinking about when Brayden and I first got together, and everything that led up to now."
"I'm glad he was there for you. I know things were rough when I first came home, and then I self-destructed. I'm so sorry."
I nod.
"You looked beautiful tonight."
I sniffle, "Thank you."
"What happened?"
"He wanted to get back together," I squeeze my eyes closed. "And of course I pushed him away. This time there's no turning back. He hates me. I think I hate me, too."
"Why did you break up with him in the first place?"
"I love him, and I don't want to hold him back. He has a future, a promising one."
"So do you."
I shake my head. If I had a future I wouldn't be invisible to my family.
"No, Jess. I don't. And I don't want him to give up on his future for me, because if the roles were reversed I wouldn't sacrifice mine for him. And either way he's going to hate me in the end, so why not cut him loose now?"
"He's a good guy, Kenzie. You don't find guys like him all that often."
"I know." That's the part that bites at me. I should've treasured hi
m and held on tight with both hands rather than let him go. But I put him first. I did what's best for him over what I want.
The tears start all over again.
*
I flip the lid of the toilet seat down as I sit and wait. Weeks passed since the dance. I'm only a day late, but I know. I just don't want to believe it. I set the timer on my phone and place it next to the stick. Lost in thoughts of Brayden and the homecoming dance my hands, my legs, my whole body trembles. The night was beautiful, perfect. At least the part when we were still at the dance. No matter what, I will keep those memories intact. As for the rest of the night, those memories will haunt me the rest of my life.
My phone chimes, time's up. I wipe my sweaty palms on my pant legs. And pick up the stick.
I can't breathe.
There's a blue line where there should be an empty window.
I cover my mouth to muffle the agonizing sounds coming out of it. My first thought is to call Brayden, but I know that isn't an option. He hates me.
I stare in mind numbing silence at the stick. What the fuck am I going to do now? I can't think ahead. First, I have to figure out what to do with the test. I can't just throw it in the garbage, someone might see it, and then questions will follow. I wrap it up in toilet paper, stuff it in the waistband of my jeans, and pull my shirt down over it.
Once in my bedroom safely, I reach for the pregnancy test and stuff it in the bottom of my purse. I make sure to cover it with my wallet and make-up until I have the chance to throw it out in a garbage can my parents won't possibly sort through. Not that they have any reason to, but I've seen them go through the garbage after Jess came home from rehab, when they worried she was using again. I can't chance them finding it.
*
I want to tell him, but I don't know how. This is something that needs to be said in person, but I can't get in touch with him. We haven't spoken since the homecoming dance. I try to call and text Brayden, but he won't respond. I wonder if he blocked my number. I email him, but it bounces back as undeliverable. He unfriended me on all the social media sites we belong to. The worst part of it all is that he's my best friend, the one I turn to when life gets out of hand, and like a poof of smoke, when I need him most, he vanishes in thin air.
My parents don't notice how tired I am all of a sudden, how I can't wait to crawl into bed at night. Or the many times I run to the bathroom after eating. Neither do my friends. Not that I see many of my old ones, just a few in passing at school. Olivia, like Brayden, and it seems everyone else important in my life, is away at school. The only one to notice anything out of the ordinary is Jess. She knows it has to do with Brayden. And she's been the only one paying enough attention to know when it began. The week before Thanksgiving she comes into my room, and sits on my bed with her legs crossed.
"So if you're taking it this bad, how is he holding up?" she asks.
I shrug. "He completely shut me out. I can't get in touch with him. He won't take my calls, he blocked every form of communication."
"Do you want to talk? I've been learning how to be a good listener."
"Not really."
"I'm worried about you. I think this has to do with more than the argument you had the night of the homecoming dance."
I look away. I have a hard time lying to her face, to anyones face. And in reality, it has everything to do with that night. That's why he cut me off.
"Kenzie," she takes my hand, "I fucked up in every way imaginable. I'm working hard at reclaiming my life, please let me help you. I don't want to see you make the same mistakes I did."
"I've gone out of my way to make sure I don't repeat your mistakes." The bitter edge in my voice surprises me. "I mean the reason I broke up with him in the first place is because of what happened between you and Mike. And the reason I freaked out when the . . ." I catch myself and clamp my mouth shut.
"When what?"
"Nothing. Forget about it."
"I can't." She strokes my hair. "I see what's going on. You look like shit, you're extremely depressed, and I hear you throw up after you eat. So either you have an eating disorder or you're pregnant."
My stomach slams to the floor. She knows. I think I'm doing a great job hiding it, but the only thing I'm great at is lying to myself that I can do anything competently. Jess caught on and figured it out. And if she knows . . . "Oh God, Jess, do you think they know?"
"Who? Mom and Dad?"
I nod.
She shakes her head. "No, I've got you covered. They're too focused on what I'm doing, but that's changing, so you don't have a lot of time to make a decision."
"What kind of decision?"
"What you're going to do."
"There's no decision. I can't have it." My eyes tear up. I don't want to do it, but I have to. I never wanted to be in this situation, I did all I could to prevent it, and still here I am, alone, unmarried and pregnant. It’s not fair. "I have to get rid of it."
"The choice is yours, but don't do something you might regret, something you can't undo, because it can affect the rest of your life."
I can't believe my ears. Is she just trying to get me to look worse than her? To make a bigger mess of my life than she did with hers?
"What are you saying? You think I should have it?"
"I think it's a decision you should make with Brayden. I know it's hard, but you need to find a way to tell him."
"It's not hard, it's damn near impossible. He won't talk to me."
"Kenzie, I know you still love him. You'll hate yourself if don't tell him."
"What do you possibly know about this?"
"More than you think."
"Jess, were you . . . ? Is that what happened?"
"No." Her eyes fall down and study my comforter as she takes a deep breath. "I just . . . I did things I wasn't comfortable with because Mike pressured me to. I told myself it was okay as long as we were together, as long as he still loved me after the fact." I want to ask, but I don't dare. This is the most she's said about what happened. "I compromised myself and what I knew was right, and in the end, I felt like shit, and when everything came crashing down around me, I had a hard time looking myself in the mirror. I just wanted to forget. I wanted something to numb me and take away the pain."
I give her hand a supportive squeeze.
"You're my baby sister, I don't want to see you go through the hell I've put myself through. Especially if you don't need to."
"Thanks Jess. I can't tell you what that means to me." I pull her toward me and give her a hug.
*
I take my sisters words to heart. I don't dismiss her warning. I spend the next week gathering up the courage to see Brayden over the short break. Saturday afternoon Jessica takes a ride with me, offering the encouragement I need to stop by his house and ring the doorbell. We drive around for an hour, going nowhere, before I feel I could go through with it. I glance back at my sister waiting in the car as Brayden's brother answers the door.
"Hey, Dean. Can I speak to your brother, please?"
I see the conflict in Dean's large brown eyes. "He doesn't want to see you."
"You can't possibly know that. You didn't even tell him I'm here!"
"He warned me Wednesday night when he got home. He told me if you showed up and I let you in he'd kick my ass."
"Please, he'll change his mind if you tell him I'm here, if you tell him its important."
"If it were up to me, I would . . ."
"Fine, don't let me in, but at least tell him I'm here. Tell him I won't leave . . ."
"I can't, he's not . . ."
Mrs. Turner appears at the door. "Dean, is everything alright?"
"Fine, Mom."
She turns her suspicious eyes on me. "Oh, Mackenzie." Her voice is void of all emotion.
"Hi, Mrs. Turner."
Her thin lips press together into a tight line. She can't even fake a smile. "I guess you're looking for Brayden. I'm sorry, but he's not here, he's out with his friends. Seems like
a long time since he had a nice relaxing day with the guys."
I know a dig when I feel one. Her comment slices right into my heart. Although Brayden always denied it, I sensed his parents weren't happy when we were together. His mother just confirmed it. And I wonder, why am I here? What did I expect from him anyway?
"Just please tell him I came by."
"Sure," Dean answers.
"I don't think that's necessary." His mother says. "I've watched you toy with my son, and God only knows why he cares so much about you, but he's finally moving on. So don't think you're going to waltz back into his life like nothing happened."
With my head hung low, I turn and head back to the car. I start the engine and drive down the block, far enough away from his house that they won't see me break down and cry from a window.
Jessica rubs my back until I bring the car to a stop. After pulling over to the curb, she pulls me in for a hug. I can't speak as my body racks with sobs. It’s over, my decision is made. I'm going to get rid of the thing growing inside me.
Chapter 11
Sisterly Love
"It's not a thing, Kenzie. It's a baby. Yours and Brayden's." Jessica reminds me as often as she can over the next few days.
"Please don't say that. I can't deal with this."
"If you can't deal with the thought of it now, how are you going to live with yourself when it finally hits you?"
"It hit me."
"Not the fact that you're pregnant, the fact that you're planning to abort it. Don't you think you'll wonder about it, about what it is, what it would look like, and how Brayden would react if he knew?"
Once again she has me second guessing myself. I can't let her keep getting in my head like this. I have to end it, and the sooner the better. But I have no idea where to go. I don't wan't my parents to know. I don't want to see the disappointment in their eyes, the hurt and pain serving as a reminder that I fucked up.
"Please, Jess, just help me do this. Help me find a clinic."
"If you're sure this is really what you want I'll help you. But we do it my way. You need to get checked by a doctor in an office. There are a million things that could go wrong before a baby is born. Maybe we'll find out it's not a viable pregnancy and you're stressing over nothing."
Regret Me Not Page 10